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Should I continue my SIP in Nippon India Banking & Financial Fund after 10 years?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Nadakuduru Question by Nadakuduru on Oct 14, 2024Hindi
Money

Sir,I did SIP in Nippon India Banking and financial fund from 2012 to 2022.Now,the invested amount is Rs.7 lakhs and returns is Rs.14 lakhs.Total amount is Rs.21 lakhs.But the XIRR of the scheme is hardly 16%.Now there are so many other funds which are giving higher returns,Moreover,this is a thematic fund.Now,I don't know whther I should continue with this fund or come out and invest in some other fund.I need SWP also from this Mutual fund after one year.Please guide me.Thanks.

Ans: You have been diligently investing in a thematic fund for 10 years, which has shown significant growth. Your invested amount of Rs 7 lakhs has grown to Rs 21 lakhs, with a XIRR of 16%. While this performance is commendable, it's natural to explore other funds that may offer better returns in today’s market.

Now, the question arises: should you continue with this fund or switch to another?

Let’s break down the key points that will help you make an informed decision.

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Thematic Funds: Strengths and Limitations
Thematic funds, like the one you’ve invested in, are sector-specific. In your case, it focuses on the banking and financial sector. Such funds can offer high returns when their sector is performing well. However, they are also more volatile and risky compared to diversified funds, as they depend heavily on one sector.

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Why Thematic Funds Can Be Risky?
Sector Dependency: The performance of a thematic fund is directly tied to the performance of the sector it focuses on. If the banking sector faces any challenges, it can negatively impact your returns.

Limited Diversification: Unlike diversified equity funds, thematic funds do not spread your investment across various sectors. This increases risk because if one sector underperforms, the entire fund may struggle.

Given the cyclical nature of sectors like banking, there is always an inherent risk in continuing with such funds for the long term, especially if your goal is stable returns.

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Assessing the Current XIRR of 16%
While 16% XIRR may seem moderate when compared to some newer funds, it's important to remember that thematic funds are known for higher volatility. The question is whether this volatility aligns with your financial goals.

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Is 16% XIRR Good Enough?
Context Matters: The performance of your fund should be evaluated in the context of its sector and your risk appetite. While other funds might be giving higher returns today, thematic funds can sometimes outperform during sectoral booms.

Risk vs Reward: High returns always come with high risk. Are you comfortable with this level of risk for your goals? If you’re looking for stable and consistent returns, it might be worth reconsidering your exposure to thematic funds.

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The Need for SWP After One Year
You’ve mentioned that you will need a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) from this investment after one year. This means you will start drawing a regular income from this mutual fund.

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Why SWP from a Thematic Fund May Not Be Ideal
Income Stability: Thematic funds can have fluctuating returns, which may not provide a consistent income for your SWP. Market dips can reduce your withdrawal amount or even erode the principal.

Tax Considerations: SWP from equity mutual funds will attract capital gains tax. If your gains exceed Rs 1.25 lakh, LTCG is taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains, if any, are taxed at 20%.

Given that you are planning an SWP, it may be prudent to consider switching to a fund that offers more stable and predictable returns.

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Exploring Better Alternatives
There are many actively managed mutual funds that offer better diversification and, potentially, higher returns. These funds are not limited to one sector and are better suited for both growth and stability.

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Why Actively Managed Funds Can Be a Better Choice?
Professional Management: Actively managed funds have a fund manager who selects stocks based on market conditions. This allows for better risk management compared to index or thematic funds.

Diversification: These funds invest across sectors, spreading the risk. You benefit from the growth of different industries, reducing the impact of any sector-specific downturns.

Consistent Returns: While thematic funds can offer high peaks, actively managed funds often provide more consistent growth over the long term.

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Why Not Choose Direct Funds?
Direct funds may seem appealing because they have a lower expense ratio. However, they require you to actively monitor and manage your investments.

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Benefits of Regular Funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
Ongoing Guidance: Investing through a CFP ensures that your portfolio is regularly reviewed. A CFP can help you make timely adjustments based on market conditions.

Better Risk Management: Direct investors often miss key signals for rebalancing or exiting a fund. A CFP will ensure you make the most of market opportunities and avoid pitfalls.

Hassle-Free: With regular funds, you don’t need to worry about monitoring the market constantly. The planner does it for you.

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Your Next Steps
You have a few options going forward, each with its pros and cons. Here’s a balanced approach you could consider.

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Option 1: Stay with the Thematic Fund
Pros: You already have a significant corpus, and exiting now may attract capital gains tax.

Cons: High volatility, sector-specific risk, and unpredictable SWP income.

If you are comfortable with the risks, you can stay invested. But keep in mind that regular reviews are essential.

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Option 2: Switch to a More Diversified Fund
Pros: Better risk management, stable returns for your SWP, and potential for consistent growth.

Cons: You may have to pay LTCG tax when you exit your current fund.

This option is ideal if you want a balanced approach with more stability, especially for your SWP needs.

?

Option 3: Partial Switch
Pros: You can switch part of your investment to a diversified fund while keeping a portion in the thematic fund.

Cons: You still face sector-specific risks for the portion you retain in the thematic fund.

This approach offers the best of both worlds—keeping some exposure to high-growth sectors while ensuring stability for SWP.

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Tax Implications of Switching
Before making any decisions, consider the tax impact of switching funds. When you exit your current thematic fund, LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%. Short-term gains, if any, will be taxed at 20%. Calculate your potential tax liability and weigh it against the benefits of switching.

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Final Insights
Your investment in a thematic fund has grown well over the past 10 years. However, it’s essential to assess whether this fund aligns with your current goals, especially with your upcoming need for an SWP.

While a XIRR of 16% is reasonable, there are other funds that may offer better stability and consistent returns, especially for generating regular income. Actively managed funds can provide diversification and reduce sector-specific risks.

Consider working with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to review your options. Whether you choose to stay, switch, or partially switch, regular monitoring is crucial.

In your case, stability and a consistent SWP should be a priority. So, shifting to a more balanced and diversified approach may be wise.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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I am investing in following funds through SIP 1. HDFC top 200 Regular Growth since 2010 Rs. 3000 2. ICICI PRUDENTIAL LARGE & MIDCAP FUND GROWTH SINCE 2014 Rs. 2000 3. BANDHAN FLEXICAP FUND-GROWTH SINCE 2011 Rs. 2000 4. BSL FRONTLINE EQUITY FUND - GROWTH SINCE 2010 Rs. 3000 (STOPPED SIP IN 2020) 5. MIRAE ASSET BLUECHIP FUND - GROWTH SINCE 2021 Rs. 2500 6. HDFC FLEXI CAP - GROWTH SINCE 2022 Rs. 5500 PLEASE ADVICE ME WHETHER I SHOULD CONTINUE WITH THESE FUNDS OR EXIT. I FURTHER WANT TO INVEST Rs. 15000 MORE. PLEASE SUGGEST WHETHER I SHOULD INCREASE SIP AMOUNT IN THESE FUNDS OR START SIP IN NEW FUND
Ans: Assessing Your Mutual Fund Investments and Planning for the Future

Your portfolio demonstrates a disciplined approach to mutual fund investing over the years. Let's evaluate your current holdings and chart a course for future investments.

Analyzing Existing SIPs

HDFC Top 200, ICICI Prudential Large & Midcap, and Bandhan Flexicap Funds have been part of your investment journey for several years. These funds offer exposure to different market segments, providing diversification benefits.

BSL Frontline Equity Fund, while stopped in 2020, has a long track record of performance. It's essential to review the reasons for discontinuing this SIP and assess whether it aligns with your current investment strategy.

Mirae Asset Bluechip Fund and HDFC Flexi Cap Fund, initiated more recently, contribute to diversification and may offer growth potential.

Evaluating Performance and Suitability

Review the performance of each fund relative to its benchmark and peer group. Assess whether the fund manager's investment approach and strategy align with your risk tolerance and investment objectives.

Consider the consistency of returns, risk-adjusted performance, and fund management quality. Additionally, evaluate the fund's expense ratio and turnover ratio to ensure cost-effectiveness.

Deciding Whether to Continue or Exit

Continue SIPs in funds with consistent performance, robust fundamentals, and alignment with your investment goals.

Consider exiting funds that consistently underperform their benchmarks or peers, have experienced significant changes in fund management, or deviate from your risk profile.

Planning Additional Investments

Given your intention to invest an additional Rs. 15,000, consider the following options:

Increase SIP amounts in existing funds with proven track records and growth potential. This approach maintains continuity and capitalizes on the strengths of your current portfolio.

Explore new funds that complement your existing holdings and provide exposure to underrepresented sectors or asset classes. Conduct thorough research and seek professional advice to identify suitable options.

Seeking Professional Guidance

As a Certified Financial Planner, I recommend conducting a comprehensive portfolio review to ensure alignment with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Regular monitoring and periodic adjustments are essential to optimize your investment outcomes.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 20, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 09, 2025Hindi
Money
I have 10 lakhs in. SBI Blue Chip Direct Growth MF through SIP sice last 10 years. XIPR is 17 % average. Should I switch the fund to another funds. Is fund performance is good. Presently I do not need money. Kindly advise me.
Ans: You have shown great discipline by investing consistently for 10 years.

Let us now analyse your situation in a simple and professional manner.

We’ll assess the fund, its style, structure, and what steps you should take next.

Fund Type and Portfolio Behaviour
This is a large cap mutual fund focused on top 100 companies

It follows growth-style investing with low risk in terms of volatility

Blue chip funds invest in established companies with high market capitalisation

These stocks usually offer stability, but limited return potential in bull markets

Suitable for conservative investors who want slow and steady growth

Direct Plan Consideration
Since you mentioned "Direct Plan", let us address the risk of holding it without guidance.

Direct funds don’t offer any advice or handholding during market fluctuations

No professional rebalancing is done as per your financial goals

SIPs in direct funds often lack review, tracking, or correction support

Investors often miss exit signals, goal re-alignment, and tax-saving windows

If your SIP was through a Certified Financial Planner under regular plan, performance would be tracked and reviewed

A regular plan through MFD gives goal-linked advice, not just scheme suggestion

Evaluating the Fund’s Past Returns
You mentioned an average XIRR of 17% over 10 years

This is excellent performance considering it is a large cap fund

The fund has delivered better than typical expectations from this category

Be proud of your consistency—it matters more than fund timing

However, future performance may not match past due to slowing in large cap space

Hidden Risks of Holding Only One Style
Having only one fund for 10 years builds style concentration risk

Large cap funds miss growth opportunities in mid and small caps

You may miss out on newer sectoral trends and evolving businesses

Inflation-adjusted growth could become low over next 5–10 years

Diversification reduces long-term portfolio fatigue and improves compounding

Should You Exit the Fund?
Not entirely. But continuing blindly without review may reduce your future returns.

Keep the existing investment as is—no need to withdraw immediately

Switch only the future SIPs into a diversified mix of active mutual funds

Don’t exit from this fund just to chase short-term high performers

Large cap should form only a part—not the whole—of your portfolio

Suggested Action Plan
Keep existing Rs 10 lakh in same fund (don’t redeem if no immediate need)

Stop SIP in this direct plan and reroute SIPs to diversified funds under regular plans

Select actively managed flexi-cap, mid-cap, and balanced advantage funds

Choose regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner, not through direct mode

Link every SIP to a specific life goal like retirement, child’s future, etc.

Why Not Index Funds?
Some investors move to index funds at this stage. That may not help much.

Index funds only mirror the market—there is no active decision-making

They underperform in falling markets since they can’t shift sectors or stocks

They overexpose you to heavyweight stocks like HDFC Bank, Reliance, Infosys

Sector-specific risks are not managed actively in index strategies

Actively managed funds respond better to economic and political events

Fund manager insights are valuable in uncertain market phases

Asset Allocation Perspective
Review if you have other equity fund categories in your portfolio

A proper mix of flexi-cap, mid-cap, and balanced funds is ideal

Don’t over-allocate to large caps even if performance has been good

Review allocation every 12 months with a Certified Financial Planner

Diversification protects not just returns—but also peace of mind

Taxation Factors (if you redeem)
If you withdraw, the new capital gains tax rules will apply.

Since you’ve held the fund for 10 years, it qualifies as long-term

Long-Term Capital Gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh will be taxed at 12.5%

If gains are below Rs 1.25 lakh in a year, no tax is due

No need to redeem now unless you have a new allocation strategy

Switching SIPs doesn’t create tax—only redemptions do

What You Should Avoid
Don’t make hasty switches due to short-term fund rankings

Don’t move to index or direct funds thinking they are cheaper—they lack support

Don’t mix insurance and investment again—stay away from ULIPs and LIC policies

If you hold any old LIC, ULIP or endowment plans, consider surrendering and moving into mutual funds

Don’t assume past returns will repeat—market cycles change styles

Role of a Certified Financial Planner
At this stage, your fund is fine—but your plan may not be complete.

A Certified Financial Planner will map all goals to right asset mix

They track fund performance, review asset allocation, and optimise tax

They suggest fund rebalancing based on market condition and age profile

They review portfolio during market fall and recovery—not after damage is done

CFPs also consider cash flow, emergency fund, risk cover, and lifestyle goals

Next Steps
Keep your Rs 10 lakh investment untouched

Stop SIP in direct fund immediately

Start SIPs under regular plan via Certified Financial Planner in diverse active funds

Ensure you diversify across market cap and fund styles

Plan for each life goal—don’t leave funds without a purpose

Finally
Your fund has done well. But future growth needs better strategy, not just fund loyalty.

You don’t need to exit now. But change your SIP direction immediately.

Don’t depend only on large caps. Add flexi-cap and mid-cap exposure.

Avoid index and direct funds—they lack guidance when needed most.

Continue your journey with a broader, actively managed mutual fund strategy.

Take support from a Certified Financial Planner to keep your portfolio healthy.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

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Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
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You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

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Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

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Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

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Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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