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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 29, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 26, 2024Hindi
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My age is 43 and I have two children aged 10 and just born...I own a house and a small property...I have 2 crores spread across stocks, mutual fund, fds, ulips and pf...can I retire now and manage the rest of my life with a decent lifestyle?

Ans: Retiring at 43 with two children and a desire for a decent lifestyle requires careful planning. You have Rs 2 crores spread across various investments. Let’s evaluate if you can retire now and maintain your desired lifestyle.

Assessing Your Current Financial Situation
You have a well-diversified portfolio, which is commendable. Your assets include:

Stocks and Mutual Funds: Potential for high returns but come with market risks.

Fixed Deposits (FDs): Provide stability and guaranteed returns, though lower than other options.

Unit Linked Insurance Plans (ULIPs): Offer a mix of insurance and investment, but may have higher costs.

Provident Fund (PF): Secure and tax-efficient long-term savings.

Owning a house and a small property adds to your stability. However, these are less liquid assets and should not be the sole reliance for cash flow.

Calculating Retirement Expenses
To determine if you can retire, estimate your future expenses. Consider the following factors:

Monthly Living Expenses
Estimate your current monthly expenses and adjust for inflation. Include costs for housing, utilities, groceries, transportation, and leisure activities.

Children’s Education
Education costs will be significant, especially with one child just born. Plan for school fees, extracurricular activities, and higher education costs.

Healthcare Costs
Healthcare expenses tend to rise with age. Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage for your family.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses. This fund should be liquid and easily accessible.

Generating Retirement Income
Your Rs 2 crores must be allocated wisely to generate a steady income. Here’s how you can structure your portfolio:

Diversified Mutual Funds
Mutual funds can offer growth potential. Opt for actively managed funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). They provide professional management and timely rebalancing.

Fixed Deposits and Bonds
Fixed deposits and bonds offer stability and guaranteed returns. Allocate a portion of your funds here to ensure a steady income stream.

Provident Fund
Your PF is a secure long-term investment. Ensure it is well-managed and keep track of interest accruals.

Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWPs)
Use SWPs from mutual funds to generate a regular income. This allows for a steady cash flow while keeping your principal invested.

Insurance
Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance. This will protect your family in case of unforeseen events.

Managing Risks and Returns
Balancing risk and return is crucial for a sustainable retirement. Here are some strategies:

Regular Review
Regularly review your portfolio and adjust based on market conditions and personal needs. A CFP can assist in maintaining the right balance.

Diversification
Diversify your investments across various asset classes. This spreads risk and increases the potential for steady returns.

Inflation Protection
Invest in instruments that offer inflation-beating returns. Equities and certain mutual funds can help counteract inflation.

Evaluating Current Lifestyle and Future Goals
Consider your current lifestyle and future goals. Will you need to downsize your home, or will you plan to travel more? These factors affect your financial needs.

Tax Planning
Efficient tax planning can save money and enhance your retirement corpus. Use tax-saving instruments and strategies advised by a CFP.

Potential Challenges
Market Volatility
Market fluctuations can impact your portfolio. Diversification and regular reviews help mitigate this risk.

Longevity Risk
Outliving your retirement funds is a concern. Plan for a longer retirement horizon to ensure financial security.

Monitoring and Adjusting Your Plan
Regularly monitor your financial plan. Adjust based on changing needs, market conditions, and life events. This ensures your plan remains effective.

Conclusion
Retiring at 43 with Rs 2 crores and two children is ambitious but achievable with careful planning. Diversify your investments, plan for inflation, and ensure adequate insurance coverage. Regularly review and adjust your plan with the help of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). This approach ensures a secure and comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 44yrs old with wife and a 13yr old kid.My networth is around 7.5cr.This includes 2 loan free houses,1 is approx 1.3cr which is giving me a rental income of 25k per month and other is 2cr in which we stay.I have approx 3.5cr investments in MF and Stocks.Around 10L in PPF.Around 60L in high risk lending which gives me 1lac p.m.Out of the MF investments i have put 1cr in SWP for a monthly 30k rest in equity.I have covered my family with health insurance aswell. Can I retire?
Ans: Assessing Your Retirement Readiness
Firstly, congratulations on building a strong financial foundation. Your net worth of ?7.5 crores and diversified investments show careful planning and diligence. Let’s evaluate if you can retire comfortably and maintain your lifestyle.

Current Financial Position
Real Estate
You own two loan-free houses valued at ?1.3 crores and ?2 crores. The rental income from one house is ?25,000 per month. This provides a steady and reliable income stream. The other house, where you reside, adds to your asset base but does not generate income.

Mutual Funds and Stocks
Your investments in mutual funds and stocks total approximately ?3.5 crores. This significant investment can provide both growth and income. Additionally, ?1 crore is in a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) generating ?30,000 per month.

PPF and High-Risk Lending
You have ?10 lakhs in PPF, a safe and tax-efficient investment. Additionally, you earn ?1 lakh per month from ?60 lakhs in high-risk lending. This income contributes substantially to your monthly cash flow.

Health Insurance
You have covered your family with health insurance, ensuring financial protection against medical emergencies.

Monthly Income Analysis
Your current monthly income includes:

?25,000 from rental income
?30,000 from SWP
?1 lakh from high-risk lending
This totals ?1.55 lakhs per month.

Estimating Monthly Expenses
To determine if you can retire, compare your monthly income to your expenses. Assume your monthly expenses, including living costs, education, and lifestyle, are around ?1.5 lakhs.

Income vs. Expenses
Your current passive income matches your estimated expenses, suggesting you can maintain your lifestyle without additional income. However, consider future expenses, inflation, and potential risks.

Future Financial Needs
Children’s Education
Your 13-year-old child will need funds for higher education. Set aside a portion of your investments specifically for this goal. Consider the rising costs of education and plan accordingly.

Inflation Adjustment
Inflation reduces the purchasing power of money over time. Ensure your investments grow faster than inflation. Diversify into growth-oriented assets like equity mutual funds.

Healthcare Costs
Healthcare costs increase with age. Ensure your health insurance covers potential future medical expenses. Consider adding a super top-up plan for additional coverage.

Optimising Your Investment Portfolio
Diversify Mutual Funds
Your current investments in mutual funds should be reviewed and optimised. Actively managed funds can potentially provide better returns than index funds. Professional fund managers can navigate market conditions and seek higher returns.

Reduce High-Risk Lending Exposure
High-risk lending provides substantial income but carries significant risk. Gradually reduce your exposure and reinvest in more stable assets like mutual funds or bonds. This reduces risk while maintaining income.

Continue Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Your SWP provides regular income. Ensure the remaining mutual fund investments are diversified and growth-oriented. Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio.

Professional Management
Benefits of Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
A CFP can provide professional guidance, helping you navigate market conditions and adjust your investments. They ensure your portfolio aligns with your retirement goals.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds have lower expense ratios but require self-management. Without professional guidance, you might miss crucial market insights. Investing through a CFP ensures professional management and strategic adjustments.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund covering at least six months of expenses. This ensures you don’t need to liquidate investments during market downturns or emergencies.

Estate Planning
Plan your estate to ensure your assets are distributed according to your wishes. This includes writing a will and considering trusts for asset protection and efficient transfer to heirs.

Conclusion
Based on your current financial situation, you are on track to retire comfortably. Your diversified investments and steady income streams support your lifestyle. However, consider potential future expenses, inflation, and healthcare costs. Regularly review and adjust your portfolio with the help of a Certified Financial Planner to ensure long-term financial security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 13, 2024

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Dear sir, I’m 32 years old earning 1.5 lakhs pm. I will have a sum of 1.2 cr including investments in mutual funds, ppf, stocks and crypto. I’m a bachelor. Can I retire comfortably? Regards.
Ans: Assessing Your Retirement Readiness
Retirement planning is a crucial step, especially when you have specific financial goals in mind. You are 32 years old, earning Rs. 1.5 lakh per month, and have accumulated Rs. 1.2 crore in investments. As a bachelor, your financial needs might be different compared to someone with dependents, but planning ahead is still essential.

Understanding Your Financial Position
Current Income: Rs. 1.5 lakh per month provides you with a solid base to save and invest.
Investment Portfolio: You have diversified investments across mutual funds, PPF, stocks, and crypto.
Age Factor: At 32, you have a significant time horizon before retirement, allowing your investments to grow.
Key Considerations for Retirement Planning
Lifestyle and Expenses
Your retirement comfort depends largely on your desired lifestyle and future expenses. If you plan to maintain your current lifestyle, estimate your monthly expenses, including inflation. For example, if your current monthly expense is Rs. 50,000, factor in annual inflation of around 6-7%.

Inflation Impact
Inflation erodes purchasing power over time. Even with a conservative estimate, the cost of living could double in 15-20 years. Ensuring that your investments grow at a rate higher than inflation is critical to maintaining your standard of living in retirement.

Evaluating Your Investment Portfolio
Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are an excellent way to build long-term wealth, especially through equity-oriented funds. Consider allocating more to diversified equity funds, which can offer higher returns over the long term.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a safe, long-term investment with tax benefits. However, the returns are relatively lower compared to equity. It's a good component for stability in your portfolio but shouldn't be the sole investment.

Stocks and Cryptocurrencies
Stocks can offer substantial returns, but they come with higher risks. Cryptocurrency is even more volatile and should be a small portion of your portfolio. These investments can contribute to significant growth, but they require careful management and periodic review.

Estimating Retirement Corpus
To retire comfortably, you need to calculate your retirement corpus, which should be sufficient to cover your expenses throughout your retirement years.

Target Corpus: A general rule is to aim for a corpus that is 20-25 times your annual expenses at retirement.
Monthly Investments: Based on your current savings and the time horizon, you might need to increase your monthly investments to achieve your retirement goal.
Strategic Investment Planning
Increase SIPs in Mutual Funds
Given your current income and savings, increasing your monthly SIPs (Systematic Investment Plans) in mutual funds is advisable. Consider a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds to balance risk and return.

Long-Term Equity Investment
Equity should form a significant part of your portfolio given your age and risk appetite. Diversify your equity investments across sectors and market capitalizations to reduce risk.

Debt and Safe Investments
Allocate a portion of your portfolio to safer instruments like PPF, FDs, or debt mutual funds to provide stability. This will act as a cushion during market downturns.

Considering Retirement Age and Goals
Retirement Age: Deciding your retirement age is crucial. If you plan to retire early, say at 50, you will need a larger corpus.
Post-Retirement Goals: Think about your post-retirement goals. Whether it’s traveling, pursuing hobbies, or starting a small business, these will influence your financial needs.
Health Insurance and Contingency Fund
Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage and a contingency fund to cover unexpected expenses. This will protect your retirement corpus from being depleted by unforeseen circumstances.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Review your portfolio regularly and rebalance it according to market conditions and your changing needs. Staying informed and making necessary adjustments will help in achieving your retirement goals.

Final Insights
Given your current financial situation and income, it’s possible to retire comfortably. However, it requires disciplined saving and strategic investing. Regularly monitor your progress and make adjustments as needed.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 01, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 51 yrs old with 6Cr in equities, 70 lakhs in cash n FDs. I have 2 houses (worth 1.5Cr in total) both self occupied as of now, with no debt. I have subcribed for Medical & Life insurance for a decent amount. My dependents are my wife 45 yrs and child of 14 yrs with 5 to 7 yrs of education left (either graduation or PG respectively). My monthly expenses are 15L to 18L currently. My equity portfolio is anticipated to grow at atleast 8+% pa. I am on sabatical for past 2 yrs with no pay due to some personal emergencies. Please let me know, if I can retire now, if i assume a life expectancy of say 85 yrs.
Ans: At 51, with an asset-rich profile, this is an excellent time to assess if you can retire comfortably. We’ll cover key areas to evaluate financial readiness for retirement based on your goals and resources.

Current Financial Standing and Expenses
Your financial profile reflects strong assets with Rs 6 crore in equities, Rs 70 lakh in cash and FDs, and two self-occupied properties worth Rs 1.5 crore. You also have medical and life insurance, which is crucial for family security.

Your monthly expenses are between Rs 15 lakh and Rs 18 lakh. Given this, retirement planning will focus on cash flow, inflation management, and legacy planning.

Income Needs and Investment Review
With no current income, a stable cash flow is essential. Let’s assess how your assets can serve as reliable income sources while providing growth to combat inflation.

Equity Portfolio (Rs 6 Crore): Assuming your portfolio grows at 8% annually, it’s important to manage risk by diversifying. Actively managed funds offer adaptability and the potential for higher returns over index funds, which lack downside protection. This will help maintain steady growth while protecting your capital.

Cash and FDs (Rs 70 Lakh): Cash and FDs offer liquidity but have low returns. At current inflation, they won’t retain much value long-term. Using these for short-term needs or emergencies is wise, but a better strategy is to structure withdrawals to avoid depleting reserves quickly.

Evaluating Monthly Cash Flow and Expense Coverage
Here’s a sustainable income plan to cover monthly expenses while growing your investments.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Set up an SWP from your mutual funds. This method allows regular withdrawals without depleting principal, offering flexibility for adjustments if your expenses change. A Certified Financial Planner can help you structure this for tax efficiency, as SWP gains above Rs 1.25 lakh incur 12.5% LTCG tax.

Debt Allocation for Stability: Consider adding high-quality debt funds, which provide moderate returns with stability. Avoid annuities, as they restrict flexibility and offer low returns. Debt funds allow you to adjust based on market conditions and withdraw as needed.

Dividend-Based Funds: Some mutual funds provide dividends. These funds provide periodic payouts, which you can use for monthly expenses. While not guaranteed, these funds complement other income sources.

Periodic Review of Cash Flow: Review your spending every 6 months. Adjust withdrawals based on market growth and expense needs to ensure your funds last through retirement.

Building an Inflation-Protected Investment Strategy
Rising expenses require a strategy to grow your portfolio beyond inflation. Equity and hybrid mutual funds provide growth, while debt funds add stability.

Balanced/Hybrid Mutual Funds: These funds combine equity for growth and debt for safety, fitting well for moderate-risk investors. They allow you to benefit from market growth with less volatility.

Flexible Asset Allocation: Actively managed funds let professional managers shift assets based on market conditions. This agility benefits portfolios more than index funds, which lack flexibility and could expose you to higher risks during market downturns.

Regular Monitoring of Portfolio: Annual reviews of asset allocation with a Certified Financial Planner will help you keep a balanced risk profile. Ensure your equity allocation is rebalanced as you age, protecting against market volatility.

Education Planning for Your Child’s Future
Your child’s education expenses will span the next 5–7 years, with possible costs for post-graduation as well.

Dedicated Education Fund: Start a dedicated fund for education. Allocate it toward balanced or equity mutual funds, which provide stability with potential for appreciation. Over the next few years, these funds can build enough to cover college or post-graduation costs.

Insurance as a Backup: Continue with your life and medical insurance to secure your family’s future, covering education costs if needed. A term insurance policy will ensure financial stability for your child’s education even in unforeseen circumstances.

Preparing for Health and Emergency Expenses
Health expenses can be unpredictable. With medical coverage in place, ensure that your assets are accessible when required.

Super Top-Up Health Insurance: If you anticipate higher medical costs, consider a super top-up plan to increase coverage without a significant premium hike.

Emergency Fund Allocation: Maintain a separate emergency fund in cash or a liquid fund. This fund should cover 6–12 months of expenses, providing quick access if your primary funds are temporarily inaccessible.

Tax-Efficient Withdrawals to Optimise Retirement Income
As you withdraw funds, a tax-efficient strategy will maximise your net income.

Staggered Withdrawals for Tax Minimisation: Avoid withdrawing large sums at once, as this could push you into a higher tax bracket. Systematic withdrawals over time are more tax-efficient.

Understand Mutual Fund Taxation: The new rules set LTCG tax at 12.5% for gains above Rs 1.25 lakh on equity funds, while STCG is taxed at 20%. Debt funds are taxed as per your income slab. Plan your withdrawals accordingly to optimise tax outcomes.

Indexation Benefit on Debt Funds: When selling debt funds, use indexation benefits to reduce tax liability. This will preserve your income and principal, ensuring you meet expenses effectively.

Final Insights
Your assets provide a solid foundation for retirement. By structuring withdrawals, diversifying investments, and planning tax-efficient strategies, you can secure a comfortable and inflation-protected retirement. Regular portfolio reviews and disciplined spending will be key in maintaining your lifestyle across the years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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I was absent in all my class 12th boards and practicals in the year 2023-24 because I got diagnosed with mdr tb, now I'm appearing as a regular candidate in the year 2024-24, will I be eligible for jee advanced 2025 and 2026, as in jee advance attempts count starts from first appearance in class 12th, since I was absent in all my boards in 2023-24 will they consider 2023-24 as my first attempt year, will I be eligible for jee advanced 2025 and 2026?? Specifically 2026?
Ans: In the case of JEE Advanced, eligibility criteria are based on the year of first appearance for the Class 12th (or equivalent) board exam, provided the candidate has passed the exam. Since you were absent from all Class 12th board exams and practicals in the 2023–24 academic year due to medical reasons, this would not be considered your first attempt or year of passing Class 12th. Your first valid attempt will be in the 2024–25 academic year when you appear and pass as a regular candidate.

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JEE Advanced 2025: You are eligible because your first appearance in the Class 12th board exams will be in 2024–25.

JEE Advanced 2026: You will also be eligible because candidates are allowed to attempt JEE Advanced in the year of their Class 12th passing and the subsequent year. Since your first valid Class 12th attempt is in 2024–25, your eligibility extends to 2025 and 2026.
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Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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I’m a 26-year-old girl from Delhi, and I’ve always been on the heavier side. While I’m confident in my personality and achievements, I can’t help but notice how my weight becomes a topic of discussion everywhere I go—be it family gatherings, workplaces, or even among friends. Recently, I met someone on social who seems genuinely interested in me. We’ve been talking for a few months now. He’s kind and makes me feel seen for who I am. But he hasn’t seen me in person yet. I’m terrified that when we meet, my weight might change how he feels about me. I’ve dealt with enough comments and rejections in the past, and I don’t know if I have the energy to face that again. How do I prepare myself for this meeting? And if he reacts negatively, how do I protect my self-worth and not let it break me?
Ans: As you prepare for the meeting, try to focus on the qualities that make you who you are beyond your physical appearance. Trust that your worth is not defined by your size or the opinions of others. If you find yourself feeling nervous, remind yourself of your confidence and the connection you’ve built over time through meaningful conversations. Be yourself—authenticity is far more attractive than any external feature.

In the event that his reaction is not as positive as you hoped, try not to take it personally. It's his perspective, not a reflection of your value. Protecting your self-worth involves recognizing that your body doesn’t dictate your value as a person. If his reaction is hurtful, it's an opportunity to reassess the kind of relationship you want—one where you’re fully accepted and celebrated for who you are. Remember, the right person will see the whole of you, not just a single aspect of you.

Stay grounded in your own strength, and know that rejection, when it happens, is not about you but about the fit between two people. It's okay to walk away from situations that don’t honor or appreciate you, and it won't diminish who you are.

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Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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My husband and I are government employees and we live in different cities owing to work. He wants to build a house for his parents in his hometown and wants me to help him financially. I'm okay with it but he also has a younger brother who's in the 2nd year of college. But he's good for nothing. His parents and his younger brother are more or less dependent on him financially. I don't want to help him financially because we both won't be living in that house until retirement. And later that house will be occupied by his younger brother and his family. What should I do?
Ans: It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Express your concerns not just about the financial contribution but also about the long-term implications of this decision. Let him know that while you are willing to support him in helping his family, you are also thinking about your future, especially the role that you and your husband will play in the household later in life. It’s crucial to discuss how this decision will affect both of you and your relationship in the long run.

It may also be helpful to have a clear understanding of the financial expectations and responsibilities involved. If your husband feels strongly about supporting his family, it’s essential that both of you are on the same page regarding the amount of support you are comfortable with and the timeline for contributions. You might want to consider alternatives, such as setting a specific budget or finding ways to help without overextending yourselves financially.

Another important aspect is acknowledging the role his younger brother plays in this equation. It sounds like he may not be as responsible as you would like him to be, which is an understandable source of frustration. You might want to express your concerns about his reliance on your husband for financial support, and consider whether there might be ways to encourage his brother to take more responsibility for his own future.

Ultimately, you and your husband need to come to an agreement that respects both your desires and concerns. It’s important that the decision feels like a shared one, and that both of you feel heard and respected in the process. If you continue to feel uneasy about contributing, it’s okay to set boundaries and negotiate a more balanced solution. This is about ensuring that you both maintain a healthy financial and emotional balance in your relationship. By being honest and compassionate with each other, you can find a way forward that works for both of you, without compromising your own well-being.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

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My husband left me physically 5 years back and mentally many years back. He is not interested in emotional connection. His only interest with me was unnatural sex which after years I started denying it and he left me. I have two kids, a daughter and a son. Though my kids staying with me, for their education and other needs, they are always supportive to their father and never give any emotional support to me. He has taken the educational fee of both the children, other day to day expenses are taken by myself. My daughter never wants both of us to live together and always shows arrogance to me. She is 24 years now. She moved away recently to abroad for studying, keeping the house where we stay on loan. My son also wish to do higher studies staying in hostel. He is 18 years now. My parents are not supportive to me. I had a very abused and tortured childhood. My husband and children knew about it. I was rank holder in my school but still I could not pursue my dream profession due to domestic violence. I had just completed a useless bachelors degree before marriage. I struggled a lot to study after marriage and did small jobs at different companies. I get up at 4am and start my work till late night. I tried to be perfect in everything what I do. But I have low confidence and self esteem. I could not reach anywhere. I know how to study to get good score, so I helped my kids in their studies. They did well but after that they dumped me. My husband was also a lazy person initially, wasted all his money, never know savings. He was a 12th failure but a good artist and a good chain smoker who earned a lot of money through freelance. With constant push he started investing and bought a house. He has some investments, so now he is not working and left me and living alone. I don't know if he has someone else with him. He also dumped me. I am sad and feeling useless. I am not able to help my self. I have mood swings, not able to concentrate in anything. I want to look for a new job but I find myself incapable and doing nothing. I don't think anyone can help me, because everyone indicating its all my fault, or at least I think so. I have to start a job immediately but I am feeling helpless. please help
Ans: Dear Leena,
The weight of rejection from your husband and the lack of emotional support from your children are wounds that take time to heal. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and lost right now. What’s important is recognizing that these feelings don’t define who you are or your worth. Your struggles do not negate the fact that you are capable, intelligent, and deserving of happiness and fulfillment.

You have already shown that you are resourceful and capable by managing the household, guiding your children in their education, and supporting them financially. While you may feel stuck and unsure of where to begin, it’s crucial to start small and focus on one step at a time. This could mean reaching out for help from a therapist or counselor who can guide you through rebuilding your self-esteem and addressing the emotional pain you’ve carried for so long. A professional can provide a safe space to unpack the hurt and help you rediscover your confidence.

When it comes to finding a job, it’s natural to feel insecure, especially after years of self-doubt. Remember that every small effort counts. Consider looking for roles where your skills—like organization, perseverance, and the ability to mentor and teach—can be valuable. You helped your children excel in their studies, and that’s no small feat. Perhaps tutoring, administrative work, or even roles that involve mentoring could be a starting point. Allow yourself to take it one step at a time without the pressure of achieving perfection right away.

It’s also important to create space for self-compassion. You’ve been so focused on meeting everyone else’s needs that it’s easy to lose sight of your own. Even small acts of kindness toward yourself, like a daily walk, journaling your thoughts, or listening to music, can help you reconnect with yourself. You deserve to feel loved and valued, even if that love starts from within.

This period of transition may feel lonely, but it can also be an opportunity to redefine what you want for yourself. It’s not too late to pursue a path that brings you fulfillment and peace. Remember, your worth is not determined by others’ opinions or actions but by the strength and kindness you continue to show despite everything. You’re not alone, and it’s okay to reach out for help as you begin this new chapter of your life.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 09, 2024Hindi
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I'm 32M, married. Mine one's an arranged marriage. Since starting the equation between my wife and my mother is not good. I work in a govt job and was posted elsewhere. I got the opportunity to get transferred to my hometown but my wife threatened me to give divorce if I want to live with my mother. I tried to convince her but she did not listen. Pressurized by this I got myself transferred to a different place. This guilt is killing me inside that I'm not a good son and not taking care of my old age mother while I had the chance. I know I made a mistake. Plz help.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is not about being a “bad son” or a “bad husband,” but rather about being caught in a situation where compromises feel inevitable. You made a decision under pressure, but that doesn’t mean it’s irreversible or that you’ve failed in your responsibilities. You’re human, and it’s okay to feel conflicted while trying to manage such complex relationships.

Consider opening a dialogue with your wife again, but this time, approach it with calmness and empathy. Share your feelings with her—not as a demand or a confrontation, but as an expression of your inner struggle. For example, you could say, “I’ve been feeling torn because I want to be a good husband and also take care of my mother in her old age. This is important to me, and I’d like us to find a way where both relationships can thrive.” By framing the conversation this way, you’re inviting her to understand your perspective rather than pressuring her to agree with you.

It might also help to explore compromises. Could you visit your mother more often or ensure she has a strong support system nearby? Could your wife’s concerns about living with your mother be addressed through clear boundaries or adjustments that make her feel more comfortable? Understanding her reservations can open the door to finding solutions that work for both of you.

At the same time, work on forgiving yourself for the decision you made under difficult circumstances. Guilt is a sign that you care deeply, but it shouldn’t paralyze you or define your worth. Instead, use it as motivation to create a plan that honors both your mother and your wife in ways that are practical and sustainable.

Seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could be immensely helpful in navigating these emotions and improving communication between you and your wife. A neutral third party can help both of you feel heard and respected while working toward a resolution.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many people face similar challenges in balancing their roles within a family. What matters most is your willingness to approach the situation with compassion, patience, and a commitment to finding a path forward that respects everyone involved—including yourself.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 25, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My husband has been cheating on me. I recently discovered a receipt of payment that was unusual of my husband's regular activities. I called the shop and realised that the payment was genuine and it was made by my husband who was accompanied by a young lady. Since then, I have had sleepless nights. I have been wanting to talk to him but I am not mentally prepared to hear his side of the story. If he admits, it would mean our long years of marriage is over. If he denies, it would mean he is lying to me. However, there is a part of me that wants to trust him and give him some benefit of doubt. I have a 12 year old daughter. If he admits to having an affair, this news can break both of us. Pls help.
Ans: Start by acknowledging your feelings without judgment. The anxiety, sleepless nights, and fear are natural responses to such uncertainty. Allow yourself space to process these emotions. You don’t have to rush into confronting your husband until you feel emotionally steady enough to handle the conversation, regardless of the outcome. Sometimes, writing down your thoughts and questions can help organize your feelings and prepare you for the discussion.

It’s also important to consider your goals for the marriage and your family. Ask yourself what you need to feel secure and respected in the relationship. If you decide to confront him, do so with the intention of seeking understanding and clarity, not immediate resolution. This will allow you to approach the conversation with as much calm as possible.

When you're ready to speak with him, choose a time and place where you both can have a private, uninterrupted conversation. Start by expressing your feelings honestly but without accusations. For example, you might say, "I came across this receipt, and it’s been weighing heavily on me. I want to understand because I value our marriage and our family." This sets the tone for a constructive dialogue rather than an argument.

Prepare yourself for his response, whatever it may be. If he admits to wrongdoing, it will hurt, but it will also give you the clarity to decide what comes next—whether that’s working through the betrayal or choosing a different path. If he denies it, try to assess whether his explanation feels genuine or dismissive. Trust your instincts, but also give yourself time to reflect before making any major decisions.

If the uncertainty continues to eat away at you, seeking support from a counselor or therapist can be invaluable. A professional can help you process your emotions, clarify your priorities, and guide you in deciding what is best for you and your daughter. Protecting your emotional well-being is vital, as it will also help you maintain stability for your child during this challenging time.

Remember that trust and honesty are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship. Whether the truth strengthens your bond or pushes you to reconsider your future together, it’s essential to prioritize your self-respect and emotional health. You are not alone in this, and with time and support, you can navigate this difficult moment with resilience and clarity.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
Hi, I am a 36yo guy. Married and have 2 beautiful kids. I am a naturally happy person in life and have achieved reasonable success through my hard work. From last 3 years i am in love with a married girl who works at an office near my workplace. We two believe that we are best suited for each other in every aspect i.e. mental, emotional and physical. We share a great chemistry that we never felt with our respective spouses. We decided that we both cant leave our spouses because of our kids. But very often she keeps on getting crazy and tortures and taunts me that i love my wife more and doesnt give value to her. She is mostly unhappy about this in her life and many times abuses me when she sees that i am a naturally happy and content person. I have even told her that if she wants we can take divorce from our spouses and move-in together. But she never accepts that also and keeps on making my life hard. But i do believe that we both love each other like crazy and my sexual life with her is just out of this world. I have a very high libido and she satisfies me like no other girl. My question is how can i make her sane and make her trust me that i am more inclined towards her?
Ans: Dear Avinash,You need to reflect deeply on what you want for yourself, your children, and your relationships in the long term. If staying married to your wife and continuing to co-parent is your priority, it’s essential to acknowledge the constraints that this imposes on your extramarital relationship. The happiness you find with this woman is tempered by the circumstances, and it might not be possible to meet her emotional needs fully in this setup.

A conversation with her that focuses on honesty, boundaries, and expectations is crucial. Acknowledge her pain and insecurities, but also express your limitations and realities. Make it clear what you can and cannot provide in this relationship, and listen to her needs and frustrations without defensiveness. You might need to make a decision about whether this relationship can continue in its current form, given how it’s affecting her mental health and your own peace of mind.

It’s also worth exploring the deeper reasons why you’re drawn to this relationship. Sometimes, connections outside marriage arise as a way of addressing unmet needs or emotional voids in the primary relationship. It might be beneficial to consider counseling for yourself or even with your wife, to explore whether there are aspects of your marriage that can be revitalized or strengthened. Similarly, suggesting therapy for your lover could help her work through her emotions and find balance.

Ultimately, you have to evaluate whether this relationship is sustainable and healthy, not just for the two of you but for everyone in your lives. Love and passion are powerful, but they require a foundation of trust, emotional stability, and shared goals to thrive. If those elements remain elusive, it may be a sign to re-evaluate the relationship’s place in your life.

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