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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6977 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 17, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 21, 2024Hindi
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I am 53 years old with a wife and 19 year old son who is studying. I am debt free having own house and another apartment up for sale, after settling aside 40 lakhs for emergency fund child education and marriage, besides this all 3 of us have a mediclaim policy of 25 lakhs each.I have 2 CR as retirement fund from which I want to generate a monthly income of 1.2 lakhs with 7 percent increase every 5 years till survival Please suggest me the options for achieving the goal

Ans: You aim to generate a monthly income of ?1.2 lakhs, with a 7% increase every five years, from a ?2 crore retirement fund.

Evaluating Income Needs and Growth
Monthly Income Requirement: ?1.2 lakhs per month.
Annual Income Requirement: ?14.4 lakhs.
Increase in Income: 7% every five years.
Investment Strategy for Monthly Income
Given your goals, a mix of income-generating investments and growth-oriented funds is ideal.

Safe and Stable Options
1. Senior Citizens' Saving Scheme (SCSS)
Offers quarterly interest payments.
Current interest rate: ~8.2%.
Invest up to ?30 lakhs.
2. Pradhan Mantri Vaya Vandana Yojana (PMVVY)
Provides a regular pension.
Current interest rate: ~7.4%.
Invest up to ?15 lakhs per senior citizen.
3. Fixed Deposits (FDs) in Banks or Post Office
Offers stable returns.
Current interest rate: 6-7%.
Can ladder FDs for different maturities.
Balanced and Growth Options
1. Balanced or Hybrid Mutual Funds
Mix of equity and debt.
Potential annual returns: 8-10%.
Suitable for regular withdrawals through Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP).
2. Dividend-Paying Stocks or Equity Mutual Funds
Provides growth and dividend income.
Choose blue-chip companies with a strong dividend history.
Can help hedge against inflation.
3. Debt Mutual Funds
Invest in government and corporate bonds.
More stable than equity but lower returns.
Potential annual returns: 6-8%.
Structuring the Portfolio
1. Emergency Fund and Immediate Needs (?40 lakhs)
Keep this in liquid or short-term instruments.
Ensure easy accessibility and low risk.
2. Income Generation (?1.6 crores)
SCSS and PMVVY: Invest ?45 lakhs (?30 lakhs in SCSS and ?15 lakhs in PMVVY).
This generates regular, stable income.
Fixed Deposits and Debt Funds: Allocate ?55 lakhs.
Ladder FDs and invest in short to medium-term debt funds.
Balanced Mutual Funds and Dividend-Paying Stocks: Allocate ?60 lakhs.
Use SWPs for regular income.
Ensuring Inflation Adjustment
To ensure your income increases by 7% every five years, invest a portion in growth-oriented assets.

1. Equity Mutual Funds
Allocate part of the portfolio to equity mutual funds for growth.
Use SWP to withdraw profits.
2. Rebalance Periodically
Review the portfolio every year.
Adjust allocations based on performance and income needs.
Implementing the Plan
Start with Stable Instruments: Set up SCSS, PMVVY, and FDs for immediate income needs.
Allocate for Growth: Invest in balanced funds and dividend stocks for long-term growth.
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Use SWP from mutual funds for regular income.
Monitor and Rebalance: Regularly review and adjust your portfolio.
Conclusion
With a diversified portfolio, combining stable income instruments and growth-oriented investments, you can achieve your retirement income goals. Regular monitoring and adjustments will ensure you stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6977 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2024Hindi
Money
Retired on 2029. Pf balance of 2000000. Mutual fund investments of 11 lakhs Post office mis 1800000 I have a own house. No pension job Bank Fixed deposit 1000000 Please advise to generate monthly income of 50000 after retirement
Ans: Planning for Retirement Income

Retirement planning is crucial for ensuring financial stability and comfort during your golden years. Generating a steady monthly income of Rs 50,000 can be challenging but achievable with a well-thought-out strategy. Understanding your assets and how to optimize them is crucial.

Assessing Your Current Financial Status

You have several financial assets. Your provident fund (PF) balance is Rs 20 lakhs, mutual fund investments are Rs 11 lakhs, post office monthly income scheme (MIS) investments are Rs 18 lakhs, and bank fixed deposits (FDs) total Rs 10 lakhs. Owning a house provides financial stability as it eliminates rental expenses. This diverse portfolio gives you a solid foundation for retirement planning.

Certified Financial Planner (CFP) Role

A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help you create a comprehensive financial plan. Their expertise will guide you in making informed decisions. The goal is to maximize returns while ensuring capital protection and liquidity. A CFP will assess your current financial situation, understand your retirement goals, and develop a tailored plan to meet your needs.

Optimizing Provident Fund (PF) Balance

Your PF balance of Rs 20 lakhs can be utilized in a phased manner. Instead of withdrawing the entire amount, consider systematic withdrawals. This approach ensures a steady income while keeping the corpus invested for growth. A phased withdrawal strategy will help you manage your finances better and reduce the risk of depleting your funds too quickly.

Exploring Mutual Funds for Regular Income

Mutual funds offer diversification and potential for higher returns. However, choosing the right type of fund is crucial. Actively managed funds are preferable over index funds. Actively managed funds have professional fund managers who actively select stocks and bonds to outperform the market. This professional management can provide better returns and protect your investment during market downturns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds

Index funds passively track a market index. They do not aim to outperform the market. This means during market downturns, index funds will also suffer losses. They lack flexibility in managing market fluctuations, which can be a significant disadvantage during volatile periods. Moreover, index funds might not align perfectly with your specific financial goals and risk tolerance.

Advantages of Actively Managed Funds

Actively managed funds have the potential to deliver higher returns than the market average. Fund managers use their expertise to make strategic decisions, which can protect your investment during market downturns. They can also identify and invest in undervalued securities, providing opportunities for growth. This active management can be particularly beneficial in a retirement portfolio where stability and consistent returns are paramount.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) in Mutual Funds

A Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) allows you to withdraw a fixed amount from your mutual fund investments regularly. This can provide a steady income stream while keeping the remaining funds invested. An SWP is an effective way to manage your mutual fund investments for regular income. It helps in mitigating the risk of market volatility and ensures a disciplined approach to withdrawals.

Advantages of SWP

Provides a regular income stream.
Keeps the corpus invested for potential growth.
Tax-efficient compared to lump sum withdrawals.
Flexible withdrawal amounts and frequency.
Implementing an SWP in your mutual fund investments can help you generate the desired monthly income while keeping your investment intact for future growth. It is a practical approach to manage your retirement income needs.

Post Office Monthly Income Scheme (MIS)

The Post Office MIS is a safe investment option, providing regular income. However, the interest rates are relatively low. It is important to diversify and not rely solely on this scheme for your retirement income. Keeping a portion invested in MIS ensures capital protection and regular income. It is a low-risk component of your retirement portfolio that provides stability.

Bank Fixed Deposits (FDs)

Bank FDs offer guaranteed returns but have lower interest rates compared to other investment options. To enhance returns, consider splitting your FDs into multiple deposits with different maturity periods. This strategy, known as a laddering approach, provides liquidity and reduces interest rate risk. It ensures you have access to funds at regular intervals without compromising on returns.

Generating Monthly Income

Combining different investment avenues can help achieve your goal of Rs 50,000 monthly income. A diversified portfolio ensures a balance between growth and stability. Here’s a potential strategy:

Withdraw from your PF balance in a phased manner. This ensures longevity of the corpus.
Implement an SWP in your mutual funds to provide a regular income stream.
Keep a portion in the Post Office MIS for guaranteed income.
Use a laddering approach with bank FDs to ensure liquidity and optimize returns.
This multi-pronged strategy ensures you have a steady income while protecting your investments from market volatility.

Investment Cum Insurance Policies

If you hold LIC, ULIP, or other investment cum insurance policies, evaluate their performance. These policies often have high charges and lower returns compared to mutual funds. Surrendering these policies and reinvesting in mutual funds might be a better option. Mutual funds typically offer better returns and more flexibility compared to traditional investment cum insurance policies.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds

Direct mutual funds have lower expense ratios compared to regular funds. However, they require you to make all investment decisions. This can be overwhelming without professional guidance. Regular funds, through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a CFP credential, offer valuable advice and help in selecting the right funds. The additional support and guidance can be invaluable in achieving your financial goals.

Benefits of Regular Funds

Investing through an MFD with a CFP credential provides access to expert advice. They can help you navigate market complexities, select the right funds, and achieve your financial goals. The additional cost of regular funds is justified by the professional guidance and support. This ensures you make informed investment decisions that align with your retirement goals.

Maintaining Liquidity

It is essential to maintain liquidity to meet unforeseen expenses. Keep a portion of your investments in liquid assets such as savings accounts or short-term FDs. This ensures you can access funds without disrupting your investment strategy. Having liquid assets on hand provides financial flexibility and peace of mind.

Inflation and Retirement Planning

Inflation erodes purchasing power over time. Your investment strategy should aim to outpace inflation. Actively managed funds and equity investments can provide inflation-beating returns. Regularly review and adjust your portfolio to ensure it stays aligned with your goals. Staying ahead of inflation is crucial for maintaining your standard of living during retirement.

Tax Implications

Consider the tax implications of your investments. Different investment avenues have varying tax treatments. For instance, long-term capital gains from mutual funds are taxed differently than interest from FDs. Plan your withdrawals and investments to minimize tax liabilities. A well-structured plan can help you retain more of your earnings.

Health Insurance

Health expenses can significantly impact your retirement corpus. Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage. This protects your savings from being depleted by medical costs. Review your health insurance regularly and update it as needed. Adequate health coverage is essential for protecting your retirement savings.

Review and Adjust Your Plan

Retirement planning is not a one-time activity. Regularly review your financial plan to ensure it remains aligned with your goals and market conditions. Adjust your strategy as needed to accommodate changes in your life or financial landscape. Continuous monitoring and adjustment ensure your plan stays relevant and effective.

Engaging a Certified Financial Planner

A CFP can provide personalized advice tailored to your unique situation. Their expertise can help you optimize your investments, manage risks, and achieve a stable retirement income. Engaging a CFP ensures you have a professional guiding your financial decisions. Their insights and advice can be invaluable in navigating complex financial markets.



Retirement planning can be overwhelming. Understanding your concerns and goals is crucial. A CFP listens to your needs and provides solutions that align with your aspirations. This empathetic approach ensures your financial plan is not only effective but also comforting. Knowing that a professional understands and addresses your concerns can provide peace of mind.



You have done well by accumulating substantial savings and investments. Owning a house and having diverse investments indicate good financial discipline. With a structured plan, you can achieve your goal of a steady retirement income. Your efforts in saving and investing wisely have set a strong foundation for a secure retirement.

Final Insights

Achieving a monthly income of Rs 50,000 post-retirement is possible with strategic planning. Utilize your PF balance wisely, invest in actively managed mutual funds, and diversify your portfolio. Consider professional guidance from a CFP for personalized advice. Implement an SWP for regular income, maintain liquidity, and protect against inflation. Regularly review your plan to ensure it remains effective and aligned with your goals. With a comprehensive and well-structured plan, you can enjoy financial stability and peace of mind in retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6977 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 14, 2024Hindi
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Hi Sir, I'm going to retire next year in March. My SIP accumulated so far an amount of ?25 lakhs and my retirement corpus will be around ?30 lakhs. I've a dwelling house of approximately 80 lakhs and other savings around 10 lakhs. I would like to generate a sustainable monthly income of ? 50000/- pm. Kindly suggest me how can I do that?
Ans: Financial Overview
Current Assets

SIP Accumulated Amount: Rs 25 lakhs

Retirement Corpus: Rs 30 lakhs

Dwelling House Value: Rs 80 lakhs

Other Savings: Rs 10 lakhs

Desired Monthly Income

Monthly Income Requirement: Rs 50,000
Generating Sustainable Monthly Income
1. Diversify Investments

Fixed Deposits:

Invest a portion of your corpus in fixed deposits (FDs).
They offer guaranteed returns and low risk.
Debt Mutual Funds:

Consider allocating funds to high-quality debt mutual funds.
They provide steady returns and lower risk compared to equities.
Senior Citizens Savings Scheme (SCSS):

If eligible, invest in SCSS for higher interest rates compared to regular savings accounts.
2. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)

SWP from Mutual Funds:
Set up an SWP from your mutual fund investments.
This allows you to withdraw a fixed amount regularly.
3. Create a Balanced Portfolio

Equity Exposure:

Maintain a small portion in equities for growth.
This will help with inflation and potentially higher returns.
Hybrid Funds:

Invest in hybrid funds that offer both equity and debt components.
They provide a balanced approach to growth and stability.
4. Use of Retirement Corpus

Safe Investment Options:

Allocate a part of your corpus to safe investment avenues.
Include options like post office monthly income schemes.
Interest-Bearing Instruments:

Invest in interest-bearing instruments for regular income.
Examples include bonds and government securities.
5. Regular Review and Adjustment

Monitor Investments:

Regularly review your investment performance.
Adjust allocations as needed to meet your income requirements.
Rebalance Portfolio:

Rebalance your portfolio periodically.
Ensure that it aligns with your risk tolerance and income needs.
6. Budget Management

Expense Planning:

Prepare a detailed budget for your monthly expenses.
Ensure that your income meets or exceeds your planned expenses.
Emergency Fund:

Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses.
This will provide financial stability in case of unexpected events.
Final Insights

Risk Management:

Avoid high-risk investments in retirement.
Focus on stable and predictable income sources.
Professional Consultation:

Consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice.
They can help tailor an investment strategy that suits your specific needs.
Maintain Flexibility:

Be prepared to adjust your strategy as needed.
Stay informed about changes in financial markets and products.
Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6977 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 16, 2024

Money
Dear Mr. Kalirajan, My Name is Ajay aged 53, i left my job a year ago due to some health issues and do not intend to rejoin again. i have my own house along with a saving of 2.10 CR mainly in MF, Bank FD and direct equity in proportion of 60% Equity and 40% Debt. I have one daughter in class 12th and have earmarked a sum of 50 Lacs for her education invested 50:50 in Debt and equity. with remaining 1.60CR how can i generate an income of one lac Per month. i Am adequately covered in terms of health and life Insurance and also i receive Rs.10000 per month from a pension plan. Your Valuable suggestion will be really helpful. Regards, Ajay
Ans: Assessment of Current Financial Situation

Ajay, it is commendable that you have a well-structured portfolio, especially considering your early retirement due to health reasons. Your current savings of Rs. 2.10 crore, with a 60% allocation to equity and 40% to debt, provides a solid foundation. Additionally, you’ve set aside Rs. 50 lakhs for your daughter’s education, reflecting a thoughtful approach to future needs.

You aim to generate a monthly income of Rs. 1 lakh from your remaining corpus of Rs. 1.60 crore, which will supplement the Rs. 10,000 you receive from your pension plan. Given the current structure of your investments, a well-balanced strategy can help achieve this goal while preserving your capital.

Evaluating the Existing Portfolio
Your portfolio is currently divided into 60% equity and 40% debt. While equity offers potential for growth, debt ensures stability. However, given your goal of generating a stable monthly income, it’s essential to reassess this allocation. At 53, with no intent to rejoin the workforce, preserving your capital and generating a regular income should take precedence over aggressive growth.

Equity Exposure: While equity investments are essential for growth, they come with volatility. A 60% exposure may be higher than necessary for your current income needs. It may be wise to reduce this to 40-50%, ensuring that you can still benefit from growth while reducing risk.

Debt Allocation: Your 40% debt allocation provides stability. This can be further optimized to ensure it generates steady income. By including more conservative debt instruments, you can enhance income generation without taking on excessive risk.

Strategies to Generate Rs. 1 Lakh Monthly Income
Your goal of Rs. 1 lakh per month can be achieved by carefully structuring your investments to provide regular income. Let’s explore how to achieve this:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): An SWP from your mutual funds can provide a regular monthly income. By withdrawing a fixed amount each month, you can ensure a steady cash flow while your investments continue to grow. It’s advisable to set up SWPs from both your equity and debt mutual funds, ensuring a balanced approach.

Fixed Deposits (FDs) and Debt Funds: A portion of your Rs. 1.60 crore can be allocated to FDs and debt funds that offer monthly or quarterly interest payouts. This will provide a reliable income stream, supplementing your SWP. Debt funds, in particular, offer tax efficiency, especially for long-term holdings.

Balanced Advantage Funds: These funds automatically adjust between equity and debt based on market conditions. They offer the dual benefit of growth and stability. By investing in these, you can enjoy a balanced approach that aligns with your income needs.

Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS): Although you are not yet eligible, it’s worth considering for future years when you turn 60. SCSS offers a stable income with attractive interest rates, suitable for retirees.

Rebalancing Your Portfolio
Given your current situation, it’s crucial to rebalance your portfolio to align with your income goals. Here’s how:

Reduce Equity Exposure: Lower your equity exposure to 40-50%. This will reduce the volatility in your portfolio, ensuring that you are not forced to sell assets at a loss during market downturns.

Increase Debt and Income-Oriented Investments: Allocate a larger portion of your portfolio to debt instruments that provide regular income. This will help in generating the required Rs. 1 lakh per month.

Diversification: Ensure that your investments are diversified across various asset classes. This reduces risk and provides a more stable return. Consider adding some conservative hybrid funds or balanced advantage funds to your portfolio.

Addressing Education Funding
You’ve wisely earmarked Rs. 50 lakhs for your daughter’s education, split evenly between debt and equity. This strategy is sound, but given that your daughter is in 12th grade, you may need to re-evaluate the equity portion.

Shift to Conservative Investments: As your daughter approaches college, it might be prudent to gradually shift a portion of the equity investments into more conservative debt instruments. This ensures that the funds are available when needed without the risk of market fluctuations.

Education Loans: If necessary, consider an education loan to cover any shortfall in funds. This can be a strategic move, allowing you to preserve your investments while benefiting from the tax advantages on education loan interest.

Managing Risks and Ensuring Stability
Your health issues have already influenced your decision to retire early. It’s essential to consider the following to manage risks and ensure financial stability:

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 12 months of expenses. This ensures that you have immediate liquidity in case of unexpected expenses.

Insurance Coverage: You’ve mentioned being adequately covered in terms of health and life insurance. Ensure that your health insurance provides comprehensive coverage for you and your family. Given your early retirement, also consider a critical illness rider if not already included in your policy.

Inflation Protection: Ensure your investments are inflation-protected. While debt instruments provide stability, they often lag behind inflation. Hence, a portion of your portfolio must still be allocated to growth-oriented assets like equity.

Tax-Efficient Withdrawal Strategy
Generating Rs. 1 lakh per month also requires a tax-efficient strategy. Here’s how you can minimize taxes on your withdrawals:

Long-Term Capital Gains (LTCG): Utilize the tax benefits of LTCG on equity investments. By systematically withdrawing gains, you can stay within the tax-free limit of Rs. 1.25 lakh per year.

Tax-Advantaged Debt Funds: Consider debt funds that offer indexation benefits, reducing the tax burden on your withdrawals.

Avoid Early Withdrawals: If possible, avoid withdrawing from investments before they have reached a tax-advantaged status. This will help minimize taxes and maximize your income.

Final Insights
Ajay, your current financial situation is strong, with a well-balanced portfolio and a clear goal. By slightly adjusting your asset allocation and focusing on income generation, you can comfortably achieve your target of Rs. 1 lakh per month.

Ensure that your portfolio remains diversified and rebalanced periodically. This will help you manage risks while enjoying a steady income. Your daughter’s education is well-covered, but a shift towards more conservative investments as she nears college would be prudent.

With these adjustments, you can enjoy a worry-free retirement with a stable income stream that meets your needs.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |397 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 03, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Me and my bf are resident docters in a hospital .We hardly had time with each other ,but always supported each other in difficult times.Through fights ,breakups ,patch ups ,we were there all in these 3 years .He has always been more career oriented , hardly expressed any feelings on his own for me ,he only expressed or said i love when i asked him too .Now i m in my last year of md exams ,he got selected in aiims delhi dm since he was senior to me .Now he hardly communicates with me ,like in 48 h ,all we do is talk for 2 min ,where he hardly says anything ,sometimes he talks is about work.I have asked him multiple times if anything wrong i did ,he has kept on saying he is busy ,he says atleast i call u ,i hardly have time for anyone.He says all he sees now is his work ,patients and career . I have always adjusted according to him ,now it is becoming difficult to adjust .I cant take the trauma of leaving him ,because i have very important exams in 4 months .He was my only bestfriend ,my guide ,my love .He has been changed person .But i m studying and working almost 20 hrs , how to cope up ,i m all alone in this melodrama ,sometimes i wish i was dead
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your feelings are valid. It is indeed difficult to adjust to an unexpressive partner. One out of two things can be happening here- one, he does not know how to express his emotions; that is who he is fundamentally. Two, the work pressure and hectic hours have made him detached. You can try having an open conversation with him about it and let him know that you are not being able to carry on like this. Communicate your concerns and how his attitude toward you has affected your mental health. That is the only way to move forward. After the conversation either of two things will happen- it will be a wake-up call for him and things will change for the better. Or, he will continue to behave the same way and you have to rethink the relationship. My suggestion is to have the talk after your exams. I know you think he is your everything, but you are your everything. Do not let this relationship waste the years of hard work you have put into your studies. Focus on yourself and trust me when I say this- value yourself the way you want others to value you. If you don't, why would anyone else?

I hope this helps. Best Wishes.

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Anu Krishna  |1274 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 31, 2024
Relationship
I am married for last 3 years. I found out about my wife's sexual past just months into our marriage. I even enquired her about her past before our marriage and told her that I don't tolerate lies and don't believe in premarital sex but she still lied to me and deceived into a fraud marriage. So I started sleeping with prostitutes and call girls as a revenge. I even had an affair with a divorced woman but that didn't last long. I know I didn't do anything wrong. She is the one is in the wrong. She deceived me into a fraud marriage. Should I forgive her and live with her?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
instead of dealing with the problem at hand, you decided to go and create more problems?
What prevented you from actually talking to your wife. If you felt cheated, was it not possible for you to channel the anger by having a conversation with her about it? Revenge never helped anyone, but well...
Now, by blaming her, what can happen is that she will defend and you will again accuse and this will go on...
So, yes you are feeling cheated and deceived by her. You have two ways of approaching it. rebuild your marriage and start with a clean slate which means she cannot keep secrets with you anymore OR you can build more anger which is bound to destroy the marriage. I would suggest the first option where you get a fair chance to express how you feel to her and also come clean with your revenge scene with her...this may help both of you put things aside and rebuild the connection. Give this a fair shot!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1274 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hello, I am a 42 year old woman with a 14 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. Ours was an arranged marriage. I got married at age 23 and my husband is just 2 years older to me. Right from the beginning my husband is great at cooking, household chores etc but never expresses romance openly. I was always a emotional woman who slowly turned to him and stopped expressing my needs well. So far out marriage was great cos I avoided confrontations and arguments. Only thing was he was always a critical person and I am emotional girl . Since I cld not express myself clearly as he never heard me, my communication with him sounded nagging, comparing and complaining. In 2011, he cheated on me and I learnt on his affair. I did not know how to process this phase so immediately forgave him within 2-3 days and even ended up being pregnant with my daughter. However he never used to speak on his past affair not were my feelings resolved. Whenever he would speak rudely or yelled at kids or me for little things, the past trauma would trigger and I would openly remind him of his grave mistake. This went on and he would get agitated and keep quiet. One day he did tell me that lifelong he needs to live with this past of me reminding him. But he has never understood the trauma I have gone through. I have just repressed it all along. Cut short 2024- there is lots of resentment with us. In 2022, I saw messages that he exchanged with another lady colleague on romantic songs , good morning messages and they would casually meet for lunch etc . This time I flew in rage and assumed he has cheated on me again. Told him first time I was a fool who didn't notice things right under my nose and now this is the latest. We had a big fight. I reminded him of his dirty past. At first he looked shocked from these allegations and told me he will clarify everything later. But next day in 2022 , when I asked him, he appeared to be a changed man and sounded more confident that he didn't do anything wrong. I pestered him to take me to office, we went to his office I met this lady and politely told her to stop sending good morning messages to my husband. I indirectly told her I have trust issues because of a past but did not elaborate. My husband who had taken me to the office , later was annoyed because apparently the woman colleague was annoyed about me coming to office and also mentioned about my trust issues. At this point this great husband spilt out to her that he had cheated on me. I never ever disclosed anything to her. Later he messaged me saying he was very annoyed and upset that I disclosed the dirty past to his colleague and if anything happens to his job he will never forgive me. I did tell him I never disclosed but he did not belive me. From 2022 until now we are almost in a silent divorce phase. We sleep in different bedroom and only communicate basic stuff on milk, curd , veggies etc He had never connected to me emotionally and would always get annoyed when I wld cry or show my frustrations. Now after all this he has literally cut me off emotionally. In this period from 2022-till now I did try to get back to normal but his vibes are very negative and disconnected. So even I too started distancing myself. During 2022, after the incident he had mentioned on how it is important to work, ve independent and how he favours open relationships ( non sexually). I was always working but earned lesser and used to depend on him a lot. Now I have changed in these 2 years, I have a better job and am not at all dependent on him emotionally, physically or mentally. Infact I pitch in to our household expenses.Our lives are totally disconnected and we there just for the kids. He cooks for all of us, I take care of remaining chores and help them in their studies . We don't attend family events and this has left many guessing on our status. I have lot of unresolved emotions and since he cannot process my emotions or least interested to hear me out I don't know when I will explode. I am just repressing my feelings and keeping a happy cheerful face for the family and kids. We even went for a vacation for kids sake where we just interacted with kids. Kids know things are not allright and pray for us together. I know this isn't healthy for me and I will invite psychosomatic issues in life later on. I am still attached to him and maybe once he expresses a sorry or a remorse and have a hope we can fall back in love again. Why can he never understand that emotional trauma that I have gone through Inspite of being loyal to him always. For once if he just uses kind words and apologises I will forever love him and forget everything.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband perhaps is someone who is not great at conflict management; he finds it easier to avoid it and avoidance can mean that he hopes that it will go away or that you will stop talking about it or that he can find ways of actually pinning the blame on you for the way that he is feeling.
So, you will come across as nagging and may also feel guilty for asking him to listen to the way that you feel about the past incident. This is classic avoidance response from him that will make you wonder of you are actually wrong and at some point you may even start justifying his actions.
Repression is temporary; eventually all the emotions will collect themselves and hit back when you least expect it. If you want him to hear you and the way you have felt about his cheating, he will again get pushed into an avoidance mode. He has not learned any other way of handling conflicts. So, either you can go to couples counseling together OR you accept this side of him. Sounds too much to do, yeah? But how can you change a person who does not want to change. Some people also cannot express their love the way you have mentioned.
Since you still love him, I can only assume that the marriage holds a lot of significance for you. Then you can be happy only when he changes OR you accept him... which one seems more doable, start with that first...who knows if an external person like an expert can actually guide the two of you, things may fall in place!
I would also suggest requesting him for an honest chat where he is also in a space to LISTEN to you...try...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |397 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 01, 2024
Relationship
I am a 27 year old female. I am dating a guy for 10+ years, we have become too casual about each other. Its like our relationship has lost the spark after we left college. We are dragging our relationship just because we both arent ready to put efforts in finding new partners. Whenever we meet, we cuddle and sleep and havent had sex since last 2 years. Emotionally we are too close but physical intimacy is kindof lost. Since its time to get married. I am still unsure whether he as of now is the one for lifetime. Should we venture for new partners respectively or are we the one for each other. Please Suggest.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you have to ask "Are we the one for each other?" something must be going really wrong in the relationship. Moreover, you also mentioned dragging it, so reconsidering the relationship can't hurt. There is another option- you can try couple's therapy and get to the bottom of this detachment. It can be time; it happens to many long-term couples. Nothing comes without effort- you will have to work on it every day and explore new things to bring back the spark. If you don't want to let go of this relationship, try these suggestions. But to continue lugging it because this relationship is all too familiar and comfortable now is not the right decision. If it's okay with both of you, take a break and venture out for new partners. See how things pan out. The choice is yours. The only thing that I can confirm is that at this point, you should not rush into getting married and focus on sorting things out first.

Best Wishes.

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Dr Nagarajan J S K

Dr Nagarajan J S K   |153 Answers  |Ask -

Health Science and Pharmaceutical Careers Expert - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Listen
Career
My daughter has completed BSc in Life Science and Masters in Microbiology in June 2024. She is searching/applyin for jobs in pharma companies but no success Please guide
Ans: Hi Sir,

I am glad to hear that she has completed her MSc in Microbiology. Could you let me know what type of project she worked on during her final year? Additionally, what skills has she acquired during her postgraduate studies? While eligibility might be determined by her percentage, it's important to note that skills play a significant role in the job market.

Did she complete an internship in the pharma industry? Nowadays, many candidates claim to have experience, but often lack competency in their subjects.

One essential aspect is preparing her resume. She should highlight her skills, any internships she has completed, and the projects she worked on during her postgraduate program.

Industries are currently facing various challenges due to human resource issues, making them cautious in selecting candidates for specific roles.

I also recommend that she consider an internship at Biocon for six months. They have an academy focused on biotech-related training, and completing this prograHi Sir,

I am glad to hear that she has completed her MSc in Microbiology. Could you let me know what type of project she worked on during her final year? Additionally, what skills has she acquired during her postgraduate studies? While eligibility might be determined by her percentage, it's important to note that skills play a significant role in the job market.

Did she complete an internship in the pharma industry? Nowadays, many candidates claim to have experience, but often lack competency in their subjects.

One essential aspect is preparing her resume. She should highlight her skills, any internships she has completed, and the projects she worked on during her postgraduate program.

Industries are currently facing various challenges due to human resource issues, making them cautious in selecting candidates for specific roles.

I also recommend that she consider an internship at Biocon for six months. They have an academy focused on biotech-related training, and completing this program successfully may lead to a job at Biocon, depending on her performance.

All the best! m successfully may lead to a job at Biocon, depending on her performance.

All the best!

...Read more

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