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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |96 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 01, 2023

Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

I'm 66 yrs old retired having two sons, both married according to their choice. My wife 60 going to retire in a couple of months. My elder son who is a Bank executive married since 10 years and issueless. The younger son working as an executive in KPMG married since 4 years and having a child. Due some misunderstanding with the their wives the sons are at times not in talking terms with us. My sons are also not in talking terms with each other. In the recent days the elder son directly instigated not to keep contact with the younger one because he did not like our closeness with him. We are put into dilemma and unable to convince both the children to reconcile the situation. Please advise.

Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the strained relationships between your sons and their wives, as well as the tension between your sons themselves. Here are some suggestions that may help:

Open and honest communication: Encourage open and honest communication between all family members. Try to create a safe and non-judgmental environment where everyone can express their thoughts, concerns, and feelings. Act as a mediator, actively listening to each party and facilitating productive discussions.

Family counseling: Consider seeking the help of a family counselor or therapist who specializes in resolving family conflicts. A professional can provide guidance and help navigate the complexities of the situation, facilitating healthier communication and promoting understanding among family members.

Individual conversations: Have one-on-one conversations with each of your sons to understand their perspectives and concerns. Encourage them to share their feelings openly and without interruption. This can help you gain insight into their individual experiences and provide a foundation for finding common ground.

Encourage empathy and understanding: Emphasize the importance of empathy and understanding in resolving conflicts. Help your sons and their spouses see things from each other's perspectives, fostering compassion and promoting reconciliation.

Promote shared experiences: Find opportunities for your sons and their families to spend time together in a neutral and relaxed environment. Encourage activities that promote bonding, such as family outings, celebrations, or vacations. Creating positive shared experiences can help rebuild connections and mend relationships.

Set boundaries: While it's important to encourage reconciliation, it's equally important to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Ensure that everyone understands the need for respect and mutual consideration, both within the family and between the spouses. Reinforce the importance of maintaining healthy relationships while respecting individual autonomy.

Lead by example: Show your sons and their spouses that you value and prioritize healthy relationships. Demonstrate positive communication, respect, and understanding in your own interactions with them and with your wife. Lead by example and encourage them to do the same.

Remember, resolving family conflicts takes time, effort, and understanding from all parties involved. It may be helpful to seek professional guidance from a family therapist who can provide tailored advice based on a deeper understanding of your family dynamics.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |96 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 29, 2023

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I am happily man and 56 with two sisters and one brother and Maa, some how my mother, brother and sisters are extremely devouted to their respective family and highly gentle and have high family values. Likewise even my wife is extremely hardworking lecturer for 25 years and devouted wife and even my son is very sensible young advocate. We care and respect one another very much. Now the problem is my younger sister's husband has taken a big loan of Rs. 60 lakh and had a big business loss due to demonitisation followed by extended lockdown, due to which he is unable to pay loan though he has many shared land assets which he is unable to sell. The loan was taken by mortgaging their three bhk flat in which they live. Now, I have around 48 lakhs to help his out of the load default but my wife opposes this because i got this Rs. 48 lakhs by selling our other unoccupied house. I understand my wife's opinion and also that of my younger sister's condition. Like wise my other siblings have also not been successful money wise in life despite having been very educated. Problem is they all got stuck in life due to high moral values and could not learn ways of the world. My dilemma is whether to help my younger sister's husband out of his problems or not and also my affection for my siblings annoys my wife though she is also very respectful to them and says, they all need to learn we can not support them in their struggles beyond a limit as we are also going to retire. How do is sort this out?
Ans: It's understandable that you are facing a difficult situation and feeling torn between helping your younger sister's husband and respecting your wife's opinion. Here are some suggestions that might help you sort this out:

Consider the impact on your own financial future: It's important to consider your own financial situation and retirement plans before deciding to help your sister's husband. You should also consider the impact of selling your property to help someone else, and whether that could affect your own financial stability.

Communicate with your wife: Have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your desire to help your sister's husband and understand her concerns. Try to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Set clear boundaries: It's important to set clear boundaries with your siblings about what kind of financial assistance you are willing and able to provide. You should also be clear about what kind of support you expect from them in return.

Explore other options: Consider whether there are other ways to help your sister's husband without putting your own financial future at risk. This could include helping him find a job, connecting him with resources for financial counseling or debt relief, or exploring other options for selling his assets.

Seek advice from a financial professional: If you're still unsure about what to do, consider seeking advice from a financial professional who can help you assess the risks and benefits of different options.

Ultimately, it's important to make a decision that feels right for you and your family, while also being mindful of the potential consequences.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2024

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Dear Anu, My son is 17years and has a affinity towards his mother it seems. Whenever i ask any questions about his studies and plans he shouts at me and misbehaves. I have stopped talking to him because of this. I don't know whether he likes me or not. He seems very content with his computer and his friends.. How can i build a relation with him. Also same with my wife. She does not talk to my parents neither to nay of my relatives. I tried on many occasions to make her realize that this is not okay. My Father is 82 and is longing to talk to her and stay with us...I do not know what is the issue with her. I do not abject to anything she does. How can i convince her...
Ans: Dear Trilok,
Why are you so intent on making people be with you or like you? If they don't see value in you, it's their misfortune maybe. This is one line of thought.
Another line of thought could be: Are there other ways of actually connecting with them? You son perhaps may bond better with you over a sport that the two of you can play BUT may connect with his mother over a conversation. Do not expect the same kind of connection...he's your son...rather than complain about what's not happening, how about trying a different approach and make things happen. See what interests him and bond with him on that!
Now with what your wife does...you really must find out what makes her not want to talk to your father. Maybe instead, you can invite your father to stay and encourage a conversation between him and your wife. And please don't form an opinion that just because your wife refuses to talk to your father, your son refuses to talk to you. It's two very different situations...

Stopping to talk to your son or wonder what's wrong with your wife only means that you have managed to externalize the issue and you will soon find reasons to blame them for a failing relationship. Instead assume charge and do what it takes to bond with your family...it works!

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 06, 2024Hindi
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Madam, I have two sons, one aged 22 yrs (is working as a computer hardware support executive and is working hard) and another, aged 17 years (just appearing for his 12th std board exams in Commerce stream). I have obtained a divorce from my wife in sept 2023, after a legal process of 15 months. The divorce was a result of extra marital relationship by my wife for several years and she abruptly leaving the house in april 2022 without proper good byes and without "settling" my sons. My sons have been pulling on so long since they do not want me to get depressed. Particularly the younger one is apparently just going through life as a formality. Could you kindly suggest me how to keep them afloat and motivated, and retain / develop the zest which they had earlier
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This is really sad and I can only imagine what you and the boys must be going through.
Any parent/loved one leaving without a trace does not offer closure and as much as the three of you have moved on, it can get tough making the mind understand and why it all happened.
There is NO clear answer to a WHY as it can only be derived out of one's own perceptions; hence make a story that helps you all move on...
1. Sit down with the boys and instead of reasoning out with them as to WHY it all happened, try and focus on WHAT NEXT?
This transition from WHY to WHAT NEXT brings out a series of options that guide you to transition into the next phase of life. It's not easy BUT possible only if you make that humble attempt.
2. Each of you need to heal from what's happened and the only way that is going to happen if you move into a positive space looking forward to what's in store for you.
3. The boys will slowly move on with career and other stuff BUT do make sure to tell them that 'not all women make similar choices'...this is to ensure that they go on to have healthy relationships in future. Motivate your younger one to join sports/gym; this ensures that he displaces any seething anger that he is carrying. If this does not work, take him to a professional who can help him through the struggle hat he is facing.
4. On your part, move into a space where you have a good social circle and thrive in your work as well. Seeing this, your boys will move away from taking care of you to supporting you. One step at a time...

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 20, 2024Hindi
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Madam, Thanks for your advice recently. I am considering the idea of setting up a meeting of my 2 sons with my ex-wife, so that they get a chance to ask their questions and relieve the burden on their mind. But it can also end up with negative effects since memories carry with them their attached emotions too. Kindly provide your advice, considering the emotional state of my sons which I have mentioned in the previous query. Besides, it remains to be seen whether my ex-wife will agree to come for the meeting and will actually come in reality
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I hope you are the same person who has asked this question:
https://gurus.rediff.com/question/qdtl/relationship/two-sons-aged-22-yrs-working-computer-hardware-support-executive/5150138

Well, a meeting between your sons and their mother might be a good idea but I would still suggest you do that by first talking/meeting her. If she is still in a place of blame-game, then perhaps the time is not right for the meeting. So, speak withe her first and assess if the meeting between her and the sons is a good idea.
If YES, be a facilitator of that meeting wherein you set the expectations of no expectations between them. This approach will allow them to be objective wherein they talk as adults and emotions will be heard but not acted upon. Emotions maybe raw still and the meeting may take a turn for the worse...so be prepared.
Also, if you still are filled with emotions that might get in the way of the meeting, then please ask someone else from the family to facilitate/mediate. Emotions must be used to build and not destroy; so your initial job will be to find out where everyone's heart and mind lie...tough one I agree, but I am sure with an objective mind, you will be able to do this!

All the best!
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Sushil

Sushil Sukhwani  |245 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Mar 28, 2024

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My daughter did her graduation in November 2023 from a top-ranked university in Canada - University of British Columbia, Vancouver (QS World Rank within 35). She is interested in a job in the fields of Artificial Intelligence and related software domains. She graduated with an interdisciplinary BSc in Cognitive Systems, including several courses from Computer Science, Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning, Neuroscience, etc.. Unfortunately, unlike in US universities, there's no Campus Placement facilities available in UBC and most Canadian universities. Please advise how to get into a job in this gloomy economic scenario, in Canada (USA is ruled out because OPT is not available for non-US university graduates).
Ans: Hello Indranil. Thanks for reaching out to us. Given your daughter's background in cognitive systems with coursework in computer science, Artificial Intelligence, Machine Learning and Neuroscience from a prestigious institution like the University of British Columbia (UBC), she has a strong base for having a career in AI and related fields. Although no campus placement is challenging, there are ways to find a job while keeping in mind the gloomy economic condition.

1. Encourage your daughter to leverage her professional network, including alumni, professors, and industry contacts. Attending industry events, seminars, and meetups can provide valuable networking opportunities and help her connect with potential employers or mentors in the field of AI and software development.

2. An online presence, such as having an account on LinkedIn, is important. She can showcase her skills and achievements—both academic and extracurricular—so far, reach out to professionals,etc

For further assistance, you can get in touch with us
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