Hello ma'am..i am 44 years married for the last 3 years with a 3 year old kid..my problem is that my mother and my wife don't get together at all which has made my life hell...both love me however. Please help.

Ans:

What! Are you nuts?

Neither of them wants to live with the other. And this is within two months of marriage, so it's safe to assume there's zero compatibility between your mother and wife.

The solution to living happily and peacefully is to move out!

Relations between them have no chance of improving unless you do so.

And your wife is pregnant to boot... don't you want to support her during this time?

Let me tell you also, Animesh, your mother sounds like quite an ogre -- you yourself have stated that she harassed your wife and isn't even allowing her to move back home! Grow a pair and move out!

 

Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're facing such a challenging situation. Balancing relationships with both your mother and your spouse can be difficult, but it's essential to find a way to create harmony. Here's some advice on how to handle this situation:

Communication: Open, honest, and empathetic communication is crucial. Sit down with your mother and your spouse separately and discuss the issue. Let them both know how much you care about them and the impact their conflicts are having on your life.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define boundaries with your mother and your spouse. Discuss what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Make it clear that you expect respect and kindness toward one another.
Counseling or Mediation: If direct communication doesn't resolve the issue, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a family therapist or counselor, to mediate the conversation. They can provide guidance and facilitate a constructive dialogue.
Prioritize Your Spouse: Your spouse should be your primary concern when it comes to your immediate family. Make sure your wife knows that you support her and are taking her concerns seriously.
Support Your Mother's Transition: If your mother's actions are rooted in a sense of loss or fear of losing you, reassure her that you still love her and that your relationship with your spouse doesn't diminish your love for her.
Time and Patience: Resolving family conflicts can take time. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to mend the relationships.
Self-Reflection: Reflect on your role in the situation and ensure you are not unintentionally contributing to the conflicts. Sometimes, small changes in your behavior can make a big difference.
Establish Separate Boundaries: If necessary, you might consider setting boundaries that involve keeping your mother and spouse apart if they can't peacefully coexist.
Remember, it's crucial to strike a balance and prioritize your spouse and immediate family. While maintaining a relationship with your mother is important, your marital relationship should come first. Seek professional help if the situation doesn't improve, as a therapist can provide guidance tailored to your specific circumstances.

Ans: Hello Sir,
It's clear that you're facing a challenging situation, juggling responsibilities between your elderly mother, your wife, and your own desire for some personal time. Balancing these caregiving responsibilities while maintaining a healthy relationship with your wife can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It's essential to find a balance that works for everyone involved, including yourself. Seeking support from your extended family, exploring professional caregiving options, and prioritizing open communication can contribute to finding a more sustainable and harmonious caregiving arrangement. Have an open and honest conversation with your sisters about your situation, expressing your need for support. Emphasize the strain it's putting on your relationship with your wife and the importance of having some time for yourselves. Consider organizing a family meeting where you can discuss the caregiving responsibilities and come up with a plan that works for everyone. This can help distribute the load more evenly and address any concerns or misunderstandings Explore the option of hiring a professional caregiver or nurse to provide assistance to your mother. This could ease the burden on you and provide a more structured care plan for your mother's needsTake care of your own health and well-being. Work with your sisters to establish a schedule for them to take turns caring for your mother. This way, you can plan your personal time in advance and ensure that your wife's concerns are addressed. Ensure you are not neglecting your physical and mental health in the midst of caregiving responsibilities.

Ans: Dear Trilok,
Why are you so intent on making people be with you or like you? If they don't see value in you, it's their misfortune maybe. This is one line of thought.
Another line of thought could be: Are there other ways of actually connecting with them? You son perhaps may bond better with you over a sport that the two of you can play BUT may connect with his mother over a conversation. Do not expect the same kind of connection...he's your son...rather than complain about what's not happening, how about trying a different approach and make things happen. See what interests him and bond with him on that!
Now with what your wife does...you really must find out what makes her not want to talk to your father. Maybe instead, you can invite your father to stay and encourage a conversation between him and your wife. And please don't form an opinion that just because your wife refuses to talk to your father, your son refuses to talk to you. It's two very different situations...

Stopping to talk to your son or wonder what's wrong with your wife only means that you have managed to externalize the issue and you will soon find reasons to blame them for a failing relationship. Instead assume charge and do what it takes to bond with your family...it works!

All the best!

Ans: Hi there. Thank you for writing in.

I can see that you're feeling distressed, caught between the two most important women in your life. This situation requires delicate navigating, open communication and prioritising your own well-being.

Every family is unique and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Focus on understanding, respect and finding common ground.
Remember that your wife has come from a different family and is trying to become a part of her new one. She is readjusting every aspect of her life.

At the same time, be respectful of your mother’s beliefs and needs.

Remain patient, communicate openly and seek support when needed.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

a. Open and honest communication

1. Talk to your wife calmly about the situation.

Share your concerns about the tension and express your desire for peace and happiness.

See if she's willing to try to build a more amicable relationship with your mother, even if they don't become best friends.

Encourage her to show respect to your mother while maintaining her own boundaries and identity.

2. Do the same with your mother. Express your love and gratitude for her efforts but also your discomfort with the ongoing conflict.

Encourage her to try understanding your wife's perspective and consider setting boundaries to allow each other space.

b. Focus on respect and understanding

Encourage both your wife and mother to recognise each other's strengths and differences.

Remind them that while everyone does not need to get along perfectly, respect is essential.

Encourage them to focus on appreciating each other's qualities and contributions to the family.

A harmonious family environment benefits everyone, including the next generation (if any).

c. Setting boundaries

Discuss and establish clear boundaries with both your wife and mother regarding acceptable interaction and communication styles.

This could involve avoiding certain topics or having separate conversations when tension arises.

d. Consider involving a trusted elder to mediate between your wife and mother.

e. Remain open to finding compromises that consider everyone's needs and comfort levels.

This may involve adjusting living arrangements, sharing household responsibilities differently or finding common ground about shared activities.

f. This situation won’t have a quick fix so be patient and consistent in your efforts.

Focus on individual accountability; encourage both your wife and mother to take responsibility for their actions and communication styles.

Prioritise respectful co-existence. While a close relationship may not be possible, respectful co-existence is crucial for a peaceful family environment.

Remember, you cannot control their behaviour, but you can control how you react.