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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 21, 2023

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Alok Question by Alok on May 03, 2023Hindi
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Hi Luv Guru, I am 45 yrs old and married. My wife is a lovey companion and we have good relationship with our usual fights and disagreement. We also enjoy each other during our physical relationship. My wife has a friend who unfortunately lost her husband a year ago. She is my wife's friend in her morning and evening walks, common kittys etc. She has hardly come to our house. I was not knowing his husband also never met even. But in a freak accident he lost his life. My wife being a emotional person was very upset and cried a lot. She often talks about her friend and her life that how she is doing and becoming normal. One night during our close moment, I told my wife that you care a lot for your friend, why donot you care for her physical needs also. She is young and may be in need of physical relationship with some one. Why do not you help her by introducing me to her? She asked how come this thing came to my mind? I told just casually, she told me that I am dreaming. After that we have not discussed on this subject. Our relationship is normal. Please guide me whether I suggested some thing wrong?

Ans: Are you nuts? Your wife empathises with her friend who’s just been widowed and you think that offering to have extramarital sex with her is not unusual? What are you, some car that she’s going to rent out to her BFF?! If that widow needs support, give it to her without trying to exploit her situation by trying to get into bed with her, that too after asking for your wife’s blessing! There are a million men out there and with God’s grace hopefully she’ll meet someone else, but you my friend, do not need to figure in that equation. You’re lucky your wife didn’t kick you out!

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 07, 2022

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Dear LG, Please don't disclose my name. I don't want to share my personal problems with others. I am 45 years old, married 13 years ago; my wife's age is now 38 years. I got two kids. My wife is pretty (she takes lot of care for her beauty) and I want to live simple. I kept faith on my wife so I didn't interfere in her life. From last four years, I am staying away from family (because of work I have shifted to other city, monthly once I go back , purchase everything, give money for expense and return to job). She keeps her mobile with security. Once, by mistake, I read her WhatsApp message. One of her office client was praising her pics and she was responding to him. So I told her, be official, don't entertain, if they fall behind you and we may face problem. She agreed but is doing the same thing and deleting his messages. Then I wanted to see what all things she does in WhatsApp. So her link I shared in my mobile and started reading her messages. She use to chat with one married person from last three years, she changed his name in her mobile and kept his wife's name. Three years back he proposed her with love song. My wife used to support him, sometimes she used to delete the messages. He knows all my family history. Whenever they get time, they used to talk each other in phone. Some messages I read, they were planning to meet also. She always come home very late, I didn't question her because I kept faith, but as I told you I have two kids in home. If she comes late, they are facing a problem (they stay alone until she comes back). Simultaneously she is chatting with another married friend. She says he is like a brother in front of me, but that person says baby, darling, dear, love, etc, in his conversation and forwarded some love songs and calling her for long drive. My wife replied some other day we will go. He replies, You always says same thing. I will become old one day. Then I was surprised and guided my wife indirectly. I told, don't entertain any person they may start to trouble you or if anybody troubling you please tell I will help you. We got two kids so we got lot of responsibility. She got a clue that I am reading her messages, so immediately she deleted all messages and after some days she deleted their numbers, along with that she deleted some other numbers also!  Why, I don't know. Once I told my son, beware, I can track you and tell where are you going and what are you doing. But from that day onwards, my wife is blocking her internet at 6 pm (when her office closes) and unblocking when she returns home. I am worried regarding this behaviour. I have stopped reading her messages now. But now I am feeling very uncomfortable because her behaviour is very soft with me, (previously she was very aggressive, she used to fight with me unnecessarily.) Please guide me how to handle the situation. What can I do now? Sometimes I feel I should leave everything go somewhere or is it a punishment for marrying a pretty girl? What to do? Please guide how handle the situation. Regards.
Ans:

So, in a nutshell, you think your wife was flirting behind your back, you dropped some hints and then she has either stopped, or then stopped you from spying on her phone.

First of all, why are you dropping hints to her instead of talking straight? Which husband is going to appreciate his wife being wooed by other men with all this darling-baby love talk?

Even if she’s not having an affair, the flirty behaviour is bound to make you uncomfortable. Don’t you think you should call her out on it instead of pretending like some other man is making her uncomfortable?

Clearly, she’s enjoying the attention!

You seem very timid and intimidated by your wife. And if her behaviour has changed toward you for the better because you suspect she is guilty of something, all the more reason to get to the bottom of it!

Stop playing games and pussyfooting around her. Do some straight-talking for a change instead of going behind her back and reading messages!

And FYI, being good-looking doesn’t give any spouse licence to make their partner insecure!

 

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |176 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 07, 2023Hindi
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I am 40 year old and married for 14 years but what happened in 2011 was me n my wife was working in a same company and my wife became close to a colleague on the same floor we work. She was very friendly n one day her colleague proposed her via her friend my wife didn't tell me n she felt very excited about it and after she became very friendly with him after few days she was ignoring me and she expressed her feelings too.but soon she realised she is going wrong and i noticed her changed behaviour and soon she started ignoring tht guy but he came n offered her chocolate and my wife informed me saying this guy's intentions I ask her to tie raakhi she tried but he was running away later we logged out she asked me to stop him and I forced him to him to tie raakhi and my wife was tying and he said I love u. I gve a tight slap to tht guy. Soon after he left the job. We were still working and left the office n joined different companies.after 6 months she went to same office for 2 months. And suddenly she left the job.Now after 12 years her TL met with my ex colleague and shared he working in tht office my colleague asked hey in tht same office my friend was working with his wife and her TL said ohh yeah his wife had n affair with other guy and he asked his wife to raakhi. And my ex colleague called me n said the same to me and since then I have so many doubts on my wife and after few days she confessed she had feelings for him and she already knew he likes her and she said it was just a feeling. Now we are having difference between us. Please help what can be done now I'm getting disturbed alot. 12 years this was secret.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are facing such issues. Doubt is very destructive in a relationship. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner regarding what happened in the past. Don't push her to give you all the details; it will not contribute positively to your well-being. Aim for a more balanced and productive discussion.

You have to recognize that all these happened many years back. It's in the past. And you cannot change it. While it's essential to acknowledge and understand them, dwelling on them may impact your peace of mind. Focus on the present and try to build a more transparent and communicative relationship in the present. Take this opportunity to work together and strengthen your marriage.

Best Wishes!
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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |97 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
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Hi. I am Sumeet I am happily married. And love my wife and our two kids.I had a female friend in our engineering college I had crush on her and I have said her this. She is happily married and I am very happy for her. I was in touch with her but now some how our companies in which we work have joint ventures and we both are working on same project. Initially she was nice to me but one day, we had phot session and I decide to click one with her and I simply par her shoulder back and kept for photo click but she got too angry and I apologised to her for whole day. But then she did not talk properly henceforth. I felt I am molester and I visit psychiatrist they asked me to forget that incident and move. Now she does not talk with me nicely.i don't know what should I do.
Ans: It's understandable that this situation with your former college friend is causing you stress and confusion. However, it's important to acknowledge that touching someone without their consent, even if unintentional, is never acceptable. Even though you meant no harm, it's crucial to respect your friend's boundaries and understand her reaction.

Here are some suggestions for navigating this situation:

1. Respect your friend's boundaries: While your intentions might have been innocent, it's clear your friend felt uncomfortable with the physical contact. Respecting her boundaries and apologizing sincerely are crucial steps. It might be helpful to have a brief, direct conversation where you reiterate your apology and emphasize that you understand and respect her discomfort.

2. Maintain professionalism: Given that you're working on the same project, maintain a professional and respectful distance. Avoid initiating personal conversations or any physical contact. Focus on work-related communication and interactions.

3. Reflect on your actions: Consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist to explore your thought patterns and behaviors concerning personal boundaries. This can help you develop healthier ways to interact with others and avoid similar situations in the future.

4. Forgive yourself: Remember that while it's important to acknowledge and learn from your actions, dwelling on guilt won't be productive. Forgive yourself for the unintentional mistake and focus on moving forward with respect and understanding.

5. Focus on your marriage: Remember that you have a loving wife and family. Reinvest your energy into strengthening your relationships with them and prioritize their well-being.
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Shalini

Shalini Singh  |59 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Mar 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 26, 2024Hindi
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Hi Shalini ji i am married since 2007 last 18 years my life was going very we'll and we both have good understanding and we both taking care of our family having two kids very well last year i come to know that before marriage my wife were having one male friend this male friends usually meet my wife at that time and gossips and even he taken her to visit on some locations 4 to 5 times as per my wife this friend was taken her to his room also 4 time but as they were good friends only so they just gossiping there as well as per my wife she had no any feeling with that guy but in between one day he asked her that he want to marry her , as per my wife he was telling him that he has been broken by his old girl friend and now since my wife listening him very carefully he started liking her , my wife still meeting him in between and go for outing at that time one day he asked to visit her home for marriage than my wife reject his proposal, after that this man gone out of station and than not met her, as per my wife telling me that i have not liked him and not having any feeling at that time and she telling that my 1st love is my husband only i am not able to decide anything now and not able to sleep properly not able to focus on me my health and my work i am vey shocked that the girl i love how she met with other man in past why she gone for outdoor and his room in past i am vey upset from last one year now and nkt able to find any Solution what to do now how to live life ahead pl guide me
Ans: Whilst I comment on dating and how to find your person, I will like to comment on this

1. basis of what you have shared you are overthinking and ruining what you have had since 18 years. your wife decided to stay with you and invest in the relationship with you is the fact that she cares for you and the relationship so stop being upset, be kind to yourself, her and the relationship.

on another note

2. marriage should not stop us from having close friends from the opposite gender.

3. if you are married, it means you are an adult which means if two adults consent to adultery its their responsibility to accept it. say if you are attracted to a woman and go all the way its not the woman who has lured you, both are in their senses and know what they are doing.

4. yes even after marrying or being in a committed relationship you can and will find others attractive and you will be found attractive to others. Its upto you and only you on how you wish to act if such a situation arises. As I shared you are an adult and someone who can not think but also overthink so you decide how to act in such a situation.
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Dr Karthiyayini

Dr Karthiyayini Mahadevan  |696 Answers  |Ask -

General Physician - Answered on Apr 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 11, 2024Hindi
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My grandmother has Parkinson's and got a tube in her nose that extends to her stomach that so we can inject liquids easily as she completely avoids eating food and doesn't even swallow a sip of water. She snatched the tube out of her nose completely and now it cannot be used again. We cannot keep a check on her for full 24 hours but we try our best. Please suggest anything to avoid the snatching as once a tube has been taken out it cannot be re-inserted. And please one more thing that she keeps wetting the bed despite of using diapers. The diaper always leaks out and then my mom has to clean grandmother, her clothes, the bed sheets etc. She gets tired by doing this twice a day as it is a lot of work. Pls suggest something about the bed wetting to how to minimise it. She is around 70 kgs and cannot even get up herself so my mom has to pull her out of the bed which requires a lot of strength. My mom feels pain in her back and shoulder a lot. All of this happening around the house is too much. I will be grateful if you reply.
Ans: To avoid bed wetting you need to make her wear the correct size diaper. Undersheets can be used as an added protection.
Normally soaking happens if we do not change the diaper adequately.
Please ask your Mom to do some upper body work outs through a physios, help.
With respect to the Ryle's tube, it is an irritant that one gets used to. If your Grandmom does not like it and non cooperative not much can be done. But you could check up with her Physician if now and then Parenteral nutrition can be given by hospitalising her
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Dr Karthiyayini

Dr Karthiyayini Mahadevan  |696 Answers  |Ask -

General Physician - Answered on Apr 23, 2024

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Hello doctor, my father had a mini heart attack in September. He was experiencing asthma and jhanjhanahat (I don't know what else can I call it) in shoulders and hands . His hands would get tight all of a sudden and it would pain a lot. Also, he is very physically active. He used to go to a pulmonologist for asthma but he overlooked all of these and suggested to put volini spray on it. So when he got the heartattack his left body got paralysed for a while and after that he was fine. The doctor said that there was blockage in artery so he got a surgery done where the stunt was placed near waist. We maintained a good diet after that but when he got back to his house my brother's wife would not care much about the diet and fed him oils and refined oil as much as she could. Now it has been 7 month now he has been experiencing tightness in hands and legs again. Please suggest doctor. I fear that he might get heart attack once again. And sir please suggest on one more thing that he used to be a very strict and sophisticated person. But now he has completed changed. Now he is not as strict as before but some weird behaviour is something that I have been noticing over few months. He is highly forgetfully. Like he will ask you for something and then forget about it just after few minutes and then scold you for it. He keeps repeating what he says during a conversation. Sometimes he reacts violently without understanding the situation well which was not the case before. I fear he might have some psychological problems as my mother in law as severe dementia that she cannot even eat or walk. I fear the same.
Ans: May be you father is having vascular dementia
Please consult a Neurologist
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