Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 16, 2023
Dear Maam, I am a 45 year old married woman. (Married for last 10 years). We do not have any children as yet. My husband was employed at the time of marriage, however, he quit his job within a couple of months of marriage and has remained unemployed since then. His mother, my MIL happily supports him in this matter and keeps treating him like a 10 year old boy. Since my husband has no source of income, he keeps festering me for money to buy all sorts of things and becomes irritated and angry and doesn't speak to me for days when I refuse to give him any money. We do not have a single joint bank account and I am afraid to share my bank account details with him as he will insist on the Debit Card and spend all my hard earned money. I have tried speaking to him about his employment status and have told him clearly that amount of salary is not important, but instead he should be gainfully occupied instead of watching movies with his parents all day long. Another irritating habit of his is to watch his car five - six times a day. People taunt him for his joblessness and his obsession over his car. (Maintenance money is also paid by me). His parents are 100% in his favor and told me many times that they have raised their boy nicely and that I shouldn't tell him how to live. I don't remember the last time I have been physical with him. Must have been 5-6 years back atleast. I am fed up completely and dont know how to put some sense in him.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You have married a man who refuses to grow up. And to top it all, his parents get a kick out of him behaving like a child. Maybe it eases their guilt of being better parents to him than they were when he was much younger. Whatever it is, please think for yourself if you want to raise a child instead of living with a man who is your husband. He shows no signs of wanting to take responsibility and be an adult here.
So, what exactly are you supporting this man for?
Why are you allowing him to live off your money?
What makes you reinforce his tantrums by being a child?
What more needs to happen for you to see that your marriage is in shambles?

Either take him to a professional who can help him sort out his challenges OR if that does not work, think about your life and make solid decisions in your favor.
You are financially independent and even after 10 years of marriage, if you are still squabbling over a husband who is a child, you know how you can lead a better life.
So, try talking him into going to see a professional first...

All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below


Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

I am from Hyderabad. Age 40 years old . My name is XY and I’ve been married for 17 years. I have two boys. Ours is a love marriage.I felt like everything will be good and smooth but right after our elder kid was born my life changed. I am an MBA and several times I told my husband that I’d like to work. He said he’d help when the right time and opportunity comes. Until then I should nurture my kids as it's my responsibility and I should support him. But in the 2015, my kid noticed his chats with another lady. I was shocked because many times he’d refused sex with me. We’d get intimate maybe twice or thrice a year. I thought he was busy or maybe he doesn’t like my body. But when I caught him he said, what is over is over. Don't raise the topic. Leave me. I just kept quiet. He said what ever happened, I will be the same for my kids’ future sake. Many quarrels happened. But in 2020 his behaviour came to light. For example if I said anything, he'd punish me by not speaking to me for months. But he'd want me to wash his clothes and fulfil other necessities at home.Once I opened up and said I want to go for counselling. There he told the doctor, ‘She wants my property but she never allows me to care of my mom. She won't allow me to talk to my friends.’ I was shocked. I told him 'I never asked for money or property. I just want to quit.' I went home and told myself if he repeats this another time I won't take it for granted. But again in the month of February, he continued his behaviour. He shifted to another bedroom for a few months where he’d watch TV and have food. He'd even sleep in the kids’ bedroom. I stopped bothering. At some point, I felt like I deserved someone who trusts me.I want to quit because he thinks I am a loyal maid who will take care of kids and the household. He communicates with like ‘What I should get? Milk veggies etc?’ He never treats me with love and affection. Now everything is spoiled. I want to have a new life. I want to be set free from him. Please suggest what to do.

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!


Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

 Hello mam,(I want to remain anonymous )I want to ask regarding my relationship with my husband.We got married in 2013 and after a month and so...He started saying I shouldn't mingle with Muslim friends who were my colleagues in my office. I told him they are good people and we've never had such kind of differences. But he got angry and from here one by one he started picking fights for each and everything. Since we are newly weds, I asked if we can explore new nearby(one day trip)places during the weekend, which he didn't do. My parents lived nearby and since we used to stay at home they'd call us on weekends for lunch or dinner. He started fighting for that also. He also started body shaming me saying I have gained weight (and everyone in his home are commenting about my weight). I had only gained 3 kgs after my marriage.He said I have relationships with colleagues even after my engagement, which was not the case. Later he said I shouldn't go out for lunch meetings arranged by the company for the whole team. He said I'm wasting time in the company and there is no bright future. I tried to find a job outside but I couldn't cope up with the demeaning and exhausting behaviour in the house and non-stop workload in the office. I agree I was a bit lazy to find a new job but I couldn't do it. In 2015 I left the job and was jobless for 2 months (this happened drastically after a big fight in his hometown that too for trivial reasons). During these two months he made my life a living hell. He would fight for the smallest of things. I had to take care of the house, his younger brother and sister. There were times when we fought because I took care more of his siblings and not him (I used to wonder why he is being hostile when taking care of his family).In 2016 we started our family planning and by God's grace we had baby in 2017. Even when I was pregnant he used to pressurize me to ask my mom to come and take care of me but my mom used to work in a different city and I was thoroughly taken care by my granny and my father. He had problems with that as well. When he started fighting for this matter, I asked him to bring his mother (I knew it was not possible because it's difficult to leave the home and come take care of me) but he kept on saying weird things and insulting my mother saying she is dominating, irresponsible.After having the baby he left me in his hometown for 1 whole year saying that till I prepare myself for the interview and find a new job he will not live with me. I kept begging him, fought with him and even tried to commit suicide because I didn't want to live there anymore after 8 months. I just wanted to come back and have my family which he denied saying he has financial problems. Ultimately I had to pressurise my parents to intervene and take me and my child to their home.Whenever he felt like seeing his daughter he used to come. Otherwise he totally ignored us. My parents and I begged him to come home and stay but he refused (we had a tight financial situation so we couldn't afford a house). My father arranged a small home without any amenities to keep his house's unwanted things. My husband said he will stay there and not in my parents’ house for which I objected. Yet he stayed there for almost 6 months. Later I found a job and moved to a new house.When the pandemic hit I lost my beloved father and my job. I could have saved him but my husband did not allow me to go to my parents place even after explaining to him the situation that my parents are facing. My father did not die of Covid but due to medical negligence. He wanted me to cook and take care of his family in his hometown.He suggested my mother and brother to take leave of two months and sort out all the legal activities which they couldn't. My brother had to leave for his job overseas and mother back to her job. She used to come every three weeks and ask for my help to get things done. He got angry for that and kept on blaming me that I only take care of my family and not him. After my father's death he started insulting my mother. He even made his father to call my mom and talk cheap with her and my brother.Fast forward to now, we have been fighting non-stop and every week there will be a fight, name calling, vulgar words exchanged. He stops talking to me for months together and there has hardly been any physical or emotional intimacy. Even after I confess, cajole and plead with him to sort out our family, he agrees momentarily and again within a week there will be a new topic to fight on in such a way it goes to extremes.This roller coaster ride -- the fights in our relationship -- has affected my child immensely and sometimes for the sake of the child we plan not to divorce each other. But I'm guilty that I'm not providing my child a healthy environment. That I'm not a good wife. I'm confused whether I should continue in this relationship or quit it for the betterment of the three of us because I cannot take this emotional abuse and have my child watching me cry non-stop. Please guide me if my husband will change in future. Should I try counselling or do I divorce him? Because whenever I keep my hopes positive, he goes back to his old ways.

Dear VS,

You are married to a man who gets his self-esteem and validation by showing you in poor light, exercises control by telling you who your professional/social circle should be, makes you weak by detaching you from your parents and those who are your support system.

Does this put things into perspective for you as to where you are in within your marriage?

Once you fulfil the above, he might be willing to somewhat accept you, but there will be constant new demands to keep his self-esteem high. It’s all about him, him, and him.

Does he need to visit a professional who can guide him to a better way of thinking? Yes, but that will happen only when he acknowledges his false sense of existence and flushed ego.

If that is possible, do visit a professional who can help him ably and then he might be able to see the marriage in a new light and his contribution towards it.

Till then, this seems to be a battle with a child who is adamant about getting one candy and then another and yet another and then crying out loud when denied.

The child is absolutely growing up in an emotionally challenging environment and this will obviously affect his growth, both physically and emotionally.

I am glad you have been thinking about what to do and now you know what an absolute must-have for the marriage is, to continue.

He must change the way he thinks and acts and treats you like his partner and not someone who was married to him for his sense of validation and self-esteem.

Be wise, watch and decide!

All the best!


Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

I am going through a rough patch in my marriage and need an expert's advice badly since I do not have any elders or family members to help me out. I am a Muslim lady. I had my first marriage to a Hindu guy going against my family, which did not work out and we got divorced mutually. My family has since boycotted me and I am alone with a 14 year old daughter. (Mom stays with me but not much support) I am a working woman, and don't have much issues financially. After a year or so of my divorce, I met a childhood friend of mine after long, we liked each other, we got close and decided to get married. He was already married, but since in our religion, second marriage is legal and the second wife gets equal rights and respect as of first wife, I agreed for the marriage, which we solemnised secretly to not hurt his family (read his wife), but his dad supported us and agreed to our alliance too. It is almost 8 years now since our marriage, my hubby is loving towards me and my daughter, but the problem is he rarely stays with us at nights, he will come in daytime, stay for 4-5 hours, have dinner and leave. Some weekends only, he will stay. Initially I thought with time, it would change, but it's almost 8 years now, but nothing has changed and if I ask him, why he does not stay he says, 'office is far away; difficult to reach on time due to traffic and stuff.' Now, his whole family also knows about his marriage, then also he hardly gives us time and no one from his family contacts me or keeps in touch with me. Since I have been independent most of my life (I don't have a dad, bro or sis), I never asked for money since he also has a family to support. He will never give any on his own, even when I am short, he keeps saying he is in a financial crunch, once business picks up, he will take care of my expenses too. Since I am an only child, I wanted a kid with him, but he kept procrastinating that too, saying condition (financial) is not good right now; additional responsibilities will be an added burden for both of us. I live in a rented flat, while his family has his own (parents' home to be precise). My daughter is now almost 15, and understands quite a lot of things and has started disliking him. I am also at my wit's end now. I am tired and frustrated most of the time, feeling stuck. Any amount of talking and discussion only leads to arguments, and when he calms down, he would say he would try and change his ways but nothing changes. Please suggest what I am supposed to do now. Talking to him is out of question, it’s absolutely no use. I am even thinking of divorce now, (it's) better to live alone than with someone who makes you feel lonely. But I am afraid for my daughter, her marriage, the divorcee tag again and (she) being a laughing stock to society and family again, I do not know what to do. Please help me!
Ans: Dear K, well, I don’t want to be sounding judgmental here, but your husband seems to have it very conveniently laid out for him right now.

Two marriages; only one of which is out in the public and no kids from the second one. Nice arrangement, but one that makes you uncomfortable and now your daughter senses it too.

Ask yourself: what do I want from this relationship/marriage? Write it down clearly starting with the words: I want……… (Do not limit yourself or tell yourself what is possible or not; simply write everything that you want from it)

Once you have done that, go through it and check how many on the list seem like an absolute must have for you; those are some things that you value and cannot be compromised for anything. If you have already begun to compromise on them, then you have begun to devalue yourself and your future as well.

Stop right away and NOW. Anything or anybody who moves you away from what is important to you must absolutely not be given a place in your life.

Since, you mentioned talking to him is not an option, keep this list handy and picture what your life will be without him and check how it feels.

If it feels right moving on, just DO IT. Strength is in holding onto what you value and stand up for. But of course, if it helps, do try to have that discussion and iron things out.

Always remember: Value yourself and value what is important to you and let nothing or no one keep you away from that.

Wishing you a beautiful life!


Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

Hi Anu, I am 36 year old woman. I am married for 9 years with two kids. My marriage was never a happy one. We had lots of arguments and fights even before marriage. I broke my engagement but later he convinced me that he will always keep me happy but it turned out to be an abusive marriage. He started beating me every now and then after my son was born. I also filed police complaint thrice. After which he improved a lot may be because of fear and shame. Meanwhile I also cracked government exam and got a very good job. Things were okay but after my daughter's birth last year his behaviour changed. He is not interested in physical relationship any more. He says that after our daughter's birth he's started to respect women. I tried to talk to him many times but all in vain. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave him for the sake of children.Now I want to live my life happily with my children and let him do whatever he wants. I don't know if I am right or wrong.He takes money from me whenever required but never spends money on my personal needs. Sometimes I feel he is with me only for money and doesn't love me. I am confused. Help.PS: He is taking good care of children and household.

Dear SS,

It is hard to walk out of an abusive relationship and when children are involved, you want to stretch it on longer.

But have you considered how this has already affected their minds?

Children from violent and abusive backgrounds do not grow up steady and face a lot of challenges later in life.

Now, coming back to you…Hasn’t it hurt your ego and pulled down your self-esteem? I am sure it already has hurt you beyond and more.

Usually, I never ever tell people what to do, but make my suggestions and share perspectives so that the mind has clarity to decide what’s best for them in their context.

But here, I am telling you this and listen hard…Physical abuse is a NO NO.

If what you say that his behaviour has changed, then I believe that he isn’t physically abusive anymore.

I do understand you are giving him the long rope for the sake of the children, but when the parents are unhappy, what environment will the children grow in?

Ask your family to step in as you are going to need their care and support hereon.

Take one day at a time and evaluate on a daily basis what his presence in your life is doing to you.

Is it draining you and keeping you on the edge or is it getting better with him improving?

This will clearly indicate what you need to be doing as the next step.

Just remember to value yourself every moment and make yourself your own priority first.

All the best!



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