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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |287 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 02, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 02, 2024Hindi
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Dear Anu, I am married for 28 yrs. Throughout my marriage, I have felt very insecure about money. I have always tried to be independent but my husband had discouraged it. So though I earned, it wasn't much. It was enough as my pocket money, or maybe a bit more. Then when I was 46yrs old, and my husband 60, he started saying that he could no longer earn and I had to support myself. At first I was shocked and devastated, but gradually i accepted and started working hard. He also started living separately and comes home for 2-3 days, every week. I have stopped needing him emotionally and financially. But he is very inconsistent with his finances, which brings back my earlier insecurity. Also he doesn't practice what he says. Suppose we plan something and I expect that to happen, but then I find he doesn't do it. I feel very cheated. For example, we decided to rent out our garage, and he said that I could pay the electricity bill of our house with that. But then , when we get a tenant, he takes away the money. This is just a small example. Many other , big things have happened . Because of this, I feel frustrated and very dissatisfied with the relationship. But outwardly, we are a happy family. I have a son of 27yrs also. I have tried talking to him about it, but he avoids it. Inspite of telling him time and again to find something to do he refuses it. His career was also very inconsistent, and a very long story. How do I deal with him? Should I leave? I don't want to. But I really don't know what to do.

Ans: I hear the deep frustration and sense of betrayal you're experiencing. Navigating a relationship where financial security and trust are consistently undermined is incredibly challenging, especially after 28 years of marriage. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to address them thoughtfully.

Firstly, it’s crucial to recognize and validate your own strength and resilience. Despite the obstacles, you've managed to become self-reliant and support yourself financially. This is a significant achievement and speaks to your capability and determination.

Your husband's inconsistent behavior and financial unreliability are understandably distressing. It seems that his actions have repeatedly undermined your sense of security and trust, which are foundational to any relationship. The pattern of him not following through on agreed plans, such as the example of renting out the garage, erodes trust and contributes to your frustration.

Given that he avoids discussions about these issues, it might be helpful to approach the conversation differently. Choose a calm, neutral time to express your feelings clearly and directly, focusing on how his actions impact you emotionally and financially. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel insecure and frustrated when our financial agreements are not honored,” to avoid making him feel defensive.

If he continues to avoid these conversations, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a marriage counselor. A professional can facilitate healthier communication and help both of you understand each other's perspectives better.

However, it’s also essential to evaluate your own needs and boundaries. Reflect on what you need to feel secure and fulfilled in the relationship. If these needs continue to be unmet despite your efforts to communicate and resolve the issues, you might need to consider more significant changes.

Leaving a long-term marriage is a profound decision and one that requires careful thought. You’ve mentioned that you don’t want to leave, and it’s important to explore all avenues before making such a decision. However, your well-being and happiness are paramount.

If your husband remains unwilling to change or address your concerns, you may need to create boundaries that protect your financial and emotional health. This could involve having separate finances or setting clear terms for financial decisions and responsibilities.

Ultimately, the goal is to ensure that you feel secure, respected, and valued in your relationship. It's a challenging path, but with clear communication, professional support, and self-reflection, you can navigate this difficult situation and find a resolution that honors your needs and well-being.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1044 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

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Hi Anu, I am 36 year old woman. I am married for 9 years with two kids. My marriage was never a happy one. We had lots of arguments and fights even before marriage. I broke my engagement but later he convinced me that he will always keep me happy but it turned out to be an abusive marriage. He started beating me every now and then after my son was born. I also filed police complaint thrice. After which he improved a lot may be because of fear and shame. Meanwhile I also cracked government exam and got a very good job. Things were okay but after my daughter's birth last year his behaviour changed. He is not interested in physical relationship any more. He says that after our daughter's birth he's started to respect women. I tried to talk to him many times but all in vain. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave him for the sake of children.Now I want to live my life happily with my children and let him do whatever he wants. I don't know if I am right or wrong.He takes money from me whenever required but never spends money on my personal needs. Sometimes I feel he is with me only for money and doesn't love me. I am confused. Help.PS: He is taking good care of children and household.
Ans:

Dear SS,

It is hard to walk out of an abusive relationship and when children are involved, you want to stretch it on longer.

But have you considered how this has already affected their minds?

Children from violent and abusive backgrounds do not grow up steady and face a lot of challenges later in life.

Now, coming back to you…Hasn’t it hurt your ego and pulled down your self-esteem? I am sure it already has hurt you beyond and more.

Usually, I never ever tell people what to do, but make my suggestions and share perspectives so that the mind has clarity to decide what’s best for them in their context.

But here, I am telling you this and listen hard…Physical abuse is a NO NO.

If what you say that his behaviour has changed, then I believe that he isn’t physically abusive anymore.

I do understand you are giving him the long rope for the sake of the children, but when the parents are unhappy, what environment will the children grow in?

Ask your family to step in as you are going to need their care and support hereon.

Take one day at a time and evaluate on a daily basis what his presence in your life is doing to you.

Is it draining you and keeping you on the edge or is it getting better with him improving?

This will clearly indicate what you need to be doing as the next step.

Just remember to value yourself every moment and make yourself your own priority first.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1044 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 16, 2023Hindi
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Dear Maam, I am a 45 year old married woman. (Married for last 10 years). We do not have any children as yet. My husband was employed at the time of marriage, however, he quit his job within a couple of months of marriage and has remained unemployed since then. His mother, my MIL happily supports him in this matter and keeps treating him like a 10 year old boy. Since my husband has no source of income, he keeps festering me for money to buy all sorts of things and becomes irritated and angry and doesn't speak to me for days when I refuse to give him any money. We do not have a single joint bank account and I am afraid to share my bank account details with him as he will insist on the Debit Card and spend all my hard earned money. I have tried speaking to him about his employment status and have told him clearly that amount of salary is not important, but instead he should be gainfully occupied instead of watching movies with his parents all day long. Another irritating habit of his is to watch his car five - six times a day. People taunt him for his joblessness and his obsession over his car. (Maintenance money is also paid by me). His parents are 100% in his favor and told me many times that they have raised their boy nicely and that I shouldn't tell him how to live. I don't remember the last time I have been physical with him. Must have been 5-6 years back atleast. I am fed up completely and dont know how to put some sense in him.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You have married a man who refuses to grow up. And to top it all, his parents get a kick out of him behaving like a child. Maybe it eases their guilt of being better parents to him than they were when he was much younger. Whatever it is, please think for yourself if you want to raise a child instead of living with a man who is your husband. He shows no signs of wanting to take responsibility and be an adult here.
So, what exactly are you supporting this man for?
Why are you allowing him to live off your money?
What makes you reinforce his tantrums by being a child?
What more needs to happen for you to see that your marriage is in shambles?

Either take him to a professional who can help him sort out his challenges OR if that does not work, think about your life and make solid decisions in your favor.
You are financially independent and even after 10 years of marriage, if you are still squabbling over a husband who is a child, you know how you can lead a better life.
So, try talking him into going to see a professional first...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1044 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 13, 2024

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Hello maam i am married since 18 years and since last 5 years my husband is not earning but my in laws are well to do me and my husband are in a relation where we end up quarrelling even if we have converstion of 2 mins i am financially independent and have son of 14 years but he is truely in influence of his father i dont have parents nor a sibling i dont know what to do i sometimes feel if i leave my husband and if i fail in my job than what about my future my age is 38 in all my surroundings i have seen all husband take care and responsiblity of their wife but my husband is totally self centered and the most pathetic thing is he does not even realize this please suggest what can be done
Ans: Dear Richa,
You are financially independent and any decision you take for your life will be based on that, right?
Who knows what the future hold and one can only be hopeful that all that is done in the present times yield a good result in future.
So, whatever decision you want to take, do that keeping what it is right now...also, have faith in your capability to earn and hold your head high BUT do give your marriage a fair chance considering your son may also get rattled by any harsh decision. Do you not feel that it is time to actually confront your husband. What is he planning on doing? Sitting and waiting for something to happen for him?
He has possibly got into a place where it is comfortable not to work and things happen around him for him and everyone else. So, there really is no need for him to lift a finger. Urge your in-laws to talk to him and drive some sense into him. If he still makes no move to get proactive and take on his part of responsibilities within the marriage, think about how long and how far you want to go with this. A bit of coaching/therapy can help, but only if he willing to see that it's needed for him. More than anything, I want you to have faith in yourself and play to your strengths.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: https://www.facebook.com/anukrish07/ AND https://www.linkedin.com/in/anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |253 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on May 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 22, 2024Hindi
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I am a working women, i have to take care of my parents expenses and also take care of my expenses , i have a child 8 years old, my husband is not supporting me financially, he just spend most of his money for his wants, and no savings so far even after 15 years of marriage, how to make him understand about savings i have quarreled many times on this but no use, i feel like to go away from him, kindly suggest
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am very sorry about your situation. It sounds stressful and you have every right to be worried. Here are a few ways to sort this out:

The first and the most obvious one- communication. I am sure that you have communicated your concerns to your husband but let's give it another try and this time, make sure it's non-confrontational. For instance, just casually mention the financial burden that is on you without assigning any blame to him. Try "I" statements instead of "You." He might come to a realization that he needs to put in more effort to relieve you of your burdens. Try mentioning some shared goals that you won't achieve if you don't join your finances and share the responsibilities. Next, tell him that you both should start tracking your expenditures and set a budget at the beginning of every month. Try a more practical approach. Set up monthly deposit schemes that would automatically deduct the money from your accounts. Last but not least, seek support from a trusted family member or close friend. While they might not be able to give you any concrete solution, sharing your woes can make you feel lighter.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1044 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 30, 2024

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I am a 37 year old working woman have two kids aged 9 and 5. I am married for 12 years. My husband does not show any interest in house chores and whenever I ask him he will say, hire a maid for everything. I have raised my two kids on my own. We work into IT industry, husband completely works from home. I go to office once or twice month. During Corona, work from home became really stressful. I quit my job thinking that I will focus on kids and house, but that did not make any difference, he started humiliating me for not working. I started considering divorce and looked for a job, soon I got in. At times I feel, that I am too much organised, that's why I am frustrated and stressed out all day long. I mostly have tight timelines, which can't be missed. At times I am too much frustrated and leave home to office so that I can work peacefully there but that's again too tiring. Maids come and leave in hurry cause no one is there to watch them out when I am in office. When I get back home I see that food is kept as it is and kids are hungry because father did not serve them. House also becomes a complete mess with toys, clothes,books lying all around, after coming home I should throw away all food, make the house tidy again and plan for the next day, where as he has complete leisure life, he will get up in the morning, his tea will be ready he will straight go to play badminton, comes back when his meeting is started. His breakfast goes directly to his table. He comes out for his lunch and straight goes to bed for afternoon nap. Again he wakes up for evening meetings. After finishing all this he will go to play tennis. Comes back home for dinner, work a little on his laptop and goes out with friends for a walk, comes back late at night when all are asleep. Seeing this routine I become frustrated now I am planning to move out, Needless to say, we stay in separate rooms, his room is a complete mess all the time
Ans: Dear Pragya,
Congratulations! You have been successful in making a hotel at your home with a perfect and permanent occupant; your husband...
When everything is taken care of right from kids to the food to the cleaning and the organizing and oh, accommodating his game schedules, why would he move a limb? And because he never took interest in caring for the household, you have started to overcompensate and extend your professional skills of organizing and executing back at home. Which spouse would not want that?
You may feel frustrated and drop everything now, BUT there's possibly a way out of this...I say this only because there are children involved in this entire equation and it isn't great for them to live in separate homes. Take a stand; do your part of the work...hire a nanny who can care for the children including their meal times. If this is not possible, call in a female family member to help out for a few weeks. Use those few weeks to pass a strong message to him which is: KEEP YOUR END OF THE DEAL..
No serving him like he is the master...let him walk to the kitchen and take his food or make his juice of whatever.
Initially, there will be a lot of complaints; he will also send you on a guilt trip where you might start to feel bad for his plight. DO NOT RELENT...
Do we not raise children to be respectful humans and respectful citizens? You are doing just that with your husband...he sadly didn't make this transition when he was younger, so you are dealing with it now...Do this as the first step; who knows things might improve and your kids will have a stable home.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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