Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Kanchan Rai |628 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by Saurav on Mar 03, 2023Hindi

Listen

Hi, I have been married since 2011 and have a son aged 9 yrs. My wife managed her professional career as well as home. I trusted her to the fullest and allowed her to go out of town alone for work purpose. However in 2017, my wife had an affair with her senior working in bank and it was physical relationship too. It lasted for almost 1.5 yr untill I caught her in August 2018. When confronted she did not had proper justification for doing such gross thing and tried too blame me. Since than she has no contact with that person and even she filed a complain in the office against that person for stalking. She is remorseful and shameful for her act, but i dont feel any attachment towards her. I am still continuing in marriage with mental trauma of affair. What should i do with marriage now?

Ans: Dear Saurav

Discovering that your wife has been unfaithful can be a traumatic experience, and it's understandable that you may be feeling hurt, angry, and betrayed. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health during this time.

Here are some steps that you can take to help you navigate this situation:

Seek support: Consider talking to a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or a support group for individuals who have experienced infidelity. It's important to have someone to talk to who can provide a listening ear and a safe space for you to express your emotions.

Communicate: If you want to work on your relationship with your wife, it's important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings. Let your wife know how her actions have affected you and what you need in order to move forward.

Set boundaries: It's important to set clear boundaries with your wife regarding what is and isn't acceptable behavior. If you choose to work on your relationship, make sure that your wife is willing to take responsibility for her actions and work towards rebuilding trust.

Consider counseling: If you and your wife want to work on your relationship, consider couples counseling. A trained therapist can help you and your wife communicate effectively and work through any underlying issues that may have contributed to the infidelity.

Take time to reflect: Consider what you want for your future and whether or not you are willing to work on your relationship. It's important to make a decision that feels right for you and your well-being.

Don't blame yourself: It's important to remember that your wife's infidelity is not your fault. While it's natural to feel responsible or to question what you could have done differently, ultimately the decision to cheat was your wife's alone.

It's important to acknowledge your own feelings and to take care of yourself during this time. With time and support, it's possible to heal and move forward from the trauma of infidelity. Ultimately, the decision about what to do with your marriage is up to you and your wife, and it's important to make a decision that feels right for both of you.

RelationshipReply

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu Krishna |1679 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 07, 2021

Question by A - Jul 07, 2021Hindi

Listen

I need some help regarding my married life. My wife had an affair in Jan 2018 with my brother's brother-in-law. In May-2018 I came to know about this. From that day to till date she has kept me away from her. From last year she is talking properly but also avoiding me. She doesn't like my touch. We haven't have sex from 2018 till date. Please let me know what I should do.

Ans: Dear A, it's time to reevaluate your marriage and where it is headed.

Sit down as a couple and if it is with a marriage counsellor, it might help as you can have an independent view of things.

Wouldn’t you want to know if your wife wants to continue in this marriage or not?

It’s like closing your eyes and pretending not to look at the elephant in the room.

Why she keeps away from you and why she doesn’t want intimacy in the marriage and whether she wants to be married to you -- these questions need to be answered, so that both of you as mature adults can prioritise what’s important and either work together for the marriage or move on with your lives going separate.

Whatever that emerges out of it needs communication to begin with right this very moment.

Be at peace!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1679 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2022

Question by PP - Sep 12, 2022Hindi

Listen

HI ANUNice to contact you. I need your advice. Hope you can help me.We have been married for 22 years (arranged marriage). For the last 10 years we have some family dispute between my mother and wife.She used to hate me for the same. Moreover she didn’t have any interest in love and sex. She used to sleep in another bedroom. We live together with my son. She is housewife and completely involved in upbringing of my son. Six years back I was attracted and had affair with one of my colleagues. Once my wife come to know about our affair, she created too many problems. She became mad. She abused me verbally and physically. I stopped the affair, changed my job and location. I apologised and changed. I obeyed her. You can say I was a slave to her. In the meantime we never used to sleep together. I was afraid of her abuse so I never asked her for sex or love. She never asked me too. We live together but no love, no sex. Two years ago she told me that she has an affair with a guy from Facebook and they both had sex. That friend used her physically and financially. He had multiple affairs along with my wife. Now he forces her for the relationship. I talked to him and asked him to stay away. At the same time, I was shocked. My wife who completely hated sex and love had an affair with unknown guy. Again we had problems and arguments.If only she’d loved me neither of us would have had an affair.Problem is I can't digest this. I can't sleep at night. I was not physical with my friend. But my wife suspected in her mind and ruined our life. What to do? Shall I seek divorce? Should I consult a therapist to forget everything? Please guide me.

Ans: Dear PP,

If life were that simple enough, why would we be facing challenges at all?

You think if she had loved you, none of this would have happened. You choose to see it from your point of view which is understandable.

What if you take the effort to find out what made her lose interest in you and the marriage?

Women are wired differently from men when it comes to sex. It can be enveloped in emotions and when she is going through an emotionally challenging time (with your mother), it might have been hard for her to be physically close with you.

Did you consider ever resolving the situation between them?

Did you ever ask your wife: “What can I do to help your situation?”

Did you ever find out from her what made her distant from you?

It may sound harsh, but we are talking about much water under the bridge.

If you go on to blame her for cheating on you, when you could and you didn’t, well, it’s not a string place to start if you want to save your marriage.

Do you both want to reconcile and rebuild the marriage?

Communicate, as that’s something that has broken down between the two of you.

It takes two to build a marriage and two to break one. So, time to reflect and look ahead as to what can be done based on what the two of you choose to do.

As far as you not being able to reconcile with the thoughts of her being involved with another man, I suggest before you approach your wife to remedy the situation, kindly settle this thought else tempers are going to fly and things will go from bad to worse. So BREATHE and NOW sit calmly to reflect and act.

All the best!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1679 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2022

Question by PP - Sep 12, 2022Hindi

Listen

Ans: Dear PP,

If life were that simple enough, why would we be facing challenges at all?

You think if she had loved you, none of this would have happened. You choose to see it from your point of view which is understandable.

What if you take the effort to find out what made her lose interest in you and the marriage?

Did you consider ever resolving the situation between them?

Did you ever ask your wife: “What can I do to help your situation?”

Did you ever find out from her what made her distant from you?

It may sound harsh, but we are talking about much water under the bridge.

If you go on to blame her for cheating on you, when you could and you didn’t, well, it’s not a string place to start if you want to save your marriage.

Do you both want to reconcile and rebuild the marriage?

Communicate, as that’s something that has broken down between the two of you.

It takes two to build a marriage and two to break one. So, time to reflect and look ahead as to what can be done based on what the two of you choose to do.

All the best!

Relationship