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Kanchan Rai |407 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by Lokesh on Jun 20, 2024Hindi

Thanks a lot mam for your detailed reply. Even I felt the same and advised him to move on and find someone more trustworthy. But my friend is concerned about his kids especially his daughter's future considering the societal norms and taboos. He says if they get divorced his daughter might have to face difficulty while finding an alliance in future. He is also skeptical about whether the new partner will take care of his children like her own as most of the women don't treat their step children with love and care. He s also worried about the entire divorce process as his wife is not agreeing for a mutual divorce and he says even if he applies for a contested divorce it will prolong for years and during this period he s worried about his children's growth and education which will be affected badly.... Considering all these and also his in laws request for forgiving their daughter and giving her a new life , my friend is thinking about giving his wife one last chance . However he s telling that he will not accept her as his wife but will take her only as his kids mother .. He says he will sacrifice his personal happiness and keep her with him only for his kids sake but will never trust her in future. My concern is whether this relationship will stay for long this way....And what is the probability that his wife will not cheat him again because of my friend's indifferent attitude towards her since she has cheated on him twice when he was living her so much... And whether trust can be rebuilt between them after some if she remains loyal to him from now...Kindly provide me insights on above concerns to help my friend...Also suggest me a good professional counsellor to take him for counselling.

Ans: I understand how challenging and painful this situation is for your friend. His concerns about his children's future, societal norms, and the impact of a potential new partner are all very real and valid.

He's worried about how a divorce might affect his daughter’s future, especially considering societal attitudes. While it's true that divorce can carry a stigma in some cultures, it's important to remember that society's views are slowly changing. More people now understand that the quality of the home environment is far more important than whether parents stay together despite significant issues. Children raised in a loving, stable home, even if it’s a single-parent one, often fare better than those who grow up amidst conflict and distrust.

Your friend is also understandably concerned about how a new partner might treat his children. Blended families can face challenges, and not every step-parent bonds well with their partner's children. However, there are many instances where step-parents build loving, supportive relationships. Taking the time to find someone who genuinely respects and cares for his kids is crucial.

Considering his wife’s threats and the prolonged nature of a contested divorce, he’s caught between maintaining a stable environment for his children and protecting his own emotional health. Divorce is tough and can be particularly challenging for children, but living in a household where there's no trust and emotional connection can be just as damaging, if not more so.

If he decides to give his wife another chance for the sake of the children, it's essential to set clear boundaries and perhaps seek professional help. But, given that she has broken his trust twice, it's natural for him to be skeptical about whether she can truly change. Living together merely as co-parents without rebuilding trust may create a cold, unloving environment that children will sense and be affected by.

Rebuilding trust after such betrayals is incredibly difficult and requires a lot of effort and transparency. If he chooses this path, it should involve both of them working towards healing, possibly with the guidance of a therapist. However, it’s also critical for him to consider his own mental health and whether staying in a trustless marriage is sustainable or healthy for him and his children.

Encouraging him to seek professional counseling can provide him with support and clarity. A qualified therapist can help him navigate these complex emotions and make the best decision for his family's future. Services like BetterHelp or local therapists listed on platforms like Psychology Today can be great resources to find professional support.

Your friend is in a very tough spot, trying to balance his children's well-being with his own emotional needs. It's a difficult journey, but with your support and the right guidance, he can find a path that prioritizes his and his children’s well-being.