Hello gurus.. I have a friend who has been married for 10 years and with 2 kids one 8 yr old daughter and a two year old son. His wife whom he loved and trusted so much had cheated on him with one of her friends for almost 3 years which he came to know about last year. Though he could not digest that and thought of divorcing her but thinking about his children's future he changed his mind and told her to end all communication with him in order to save this marriage .She too had agreed . He hadn't told about this to anyone except me including her parents whom he respected a lot and hence didn't want to hurt them ... But after 3 months he came to know that she was still in contact with her friend using another phone without his knowledge and her affair also had not stopped . This time he couldn't tolerate and told this to her parents and told them that he would be filing for divorce. Her parents literally begged with him not to do so and requested him to give one last chance as they would mend her this time . He told them that even after giving her a chance to mend herself she has cheated again and broken his trust and that he couldn't live with her without trust . So he had decided to move on but his wife and her mother threatened him that they will have no other choice but to commit suicide if he doesnt forgive his wife. He was also worried about his children's future without their mother .. Based on some elders and friends (including mine )advice he gave her one last chance but on condition that there should not be any communication with her affair partner in future and if he comes to know about them being in any kind of contact he would be filing for divorce . His wife and her parents agreed to this and he took her back though not wholeheartedly but due to circumstances. Though they lived under one roof they did not live a harmonious life and lived like strangers and there used to be quarrels very frequently between them . This sometimes had gone physical and on many occasions his wife had threatened him with suicide... And in March this year he came to know that she was in contact with her affair partner secretly using another phone. When confronted she told they were just talking and nothing else...Though there may not be any physical contact this time my friend is very upset and adamant that he wouldn't live with her and want a mutual divorce ...His wife is not agreeing for it and threatening that she would write his name and end her life if he goes for a contested divorce. My friend is too worried about the legal complications if such a thing happens . He is also concerned about his kids especially his daughters future if he goes for a contested divorce based on adultery , the impact it would have on his daughter s future ..He doesn't want to spoil his daughters future ..At the same time he says he cannot imagine living with his wife again after being cheated on twice... Kindly advice what should I advise him ...

Ans: I understand how incredibly difficult this situation must be for your friend, and it's clear that he's grappling with some profound and painful decisions. Let's explore the potential paths he might take, keeping in mind the need for empathy and understanding for everyone involved.

If your friend chooses to stay and forgive his wife again, it might provide immediate stability for the children. They would continue to have both parents in their daily lives, which can offer a sense of security and normalcy. However, it's essential to acknowledge the immense challenge of living in a relationship where trust has been deeply broken.

Trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship, and without it, he might find himself constantly anxious and emotionally strained. This ongoing tension could create a stressful environment for both him and his children. If there's any hope for this path, it would require significant commitment to rebuilding trust and possibly professional counseling to navigate the healing process.

Deciding to move on and possibly seek a new, trustworthy relationship could ultimately lead to a happier and healthier future for your friend. This path respects his emotional needs and acknowledges that rebuilding trust with his current partner may not be feasible. Moving on offers a chance to start anew and find fulfillment in a relationship built on mutual respect and honesty.

However, divorce is a major life transition that will significantly affect the children. They'll need time and support to adapt to the changes in their family dynamics. This process can be emotionally and legally challenging, but it might be necessary for your friend to find peace and stability. His wife's threats are deeply concerning and must be taken seriously. Ensuring everyone’s safety is paramount, and professional help may be needed to manage these threats.

Introducing a new partner into his children’s lives is a delicate process. Initially, they might feel confused or insecure about the changes. However, with careful handling and sensitivity, a new, loving relationship can eventually provide them with a positive and nurturing environment. It can show them that it’s possible to overcome difficult circumstances and find happiness and stability again.

Encouraging your friend to seek professional counseling can provide a safe space for him to process his emotions and support his children through these transitions.

Consulting a lawyer will help him understand his rights and ensure that appropriate measures are in place to protect his and his children's safety, especially given his wife's threats.

Leaning on trusted friends and family can offer much-needed emotional support and practical advice. This is a time for him to draw on his community for strength and guidance.

Your friend's priority should be the well-being of his children and his own emotional health. Whether he chooses to stay and work on rebuilding the marriage or decides to move on, it’s crucial that he feels supported and safe in his decision. He doesn’t have to face this alone, and with empathy, professional help, and the support of loved ones, he can navigate this challenging time and find a path forward that leads to peace and happiness.

Being there for him as a compassionate friend during this time is invaluable. Your support and understanding can make a significant difference as he navigates these difficult choices.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I don't agree with the 'cheating' part, but has your friend bothered to understand what makes his wife step out of marriage again and again?
How is their marriage? Is it compatible? Emotionally are they connected? How is their sex life? These are the ones that can help put their marriage together. These need to be addressed. Honestly, ask your friend to work with his wife on their marriage.
Threats and fights are not going to solve anything. Even if she comes back, the root cause of the marriage breakdown will drive her out of the marriage again...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/