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Single Mom Seeks Advice: How to Explain Dad's Absence to 4-Year-Old?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 27, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Sushma Question by Sushma on Sep 19, 2024Hindi
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I am a Single mother (divorcee) of 4year old kid. I was separated when the kid was around a year old, because of his habits and abusive nature. I didn't want my to go through the same The father or his family never asked to see the kid. Now my kid asks questions "where is my dad", "everyone has father, where is mine". It breaks my heart and i am not sure how to handle it. How can I tell my kid that the father doesn't want to be involved in a polite way so that it doesn't break my kid.

Ans: Dear Sushma,
I am sure this is really tough for you.
What I can suggest is actually reading out books to him that explain separation/divorce through stories. This will enable him to understand that there are families and not all families are the same. But do ensure that you give him a good image about his father. Bitterness as a seed can grow and that is not healthy for a child at all. As the story progresses, you may want to insert the truth that in some families, the father/mother are not involved and choose to be away. This maybe difficult for him to fathom right now but slowly comparing his life with his friends, he will have more questions as he grows up. Take it one day at a time...break the truth gently and very age appropriately and right now, stories seem to be the better way.

Later in life as he grows even older, he can choose to seek and understand the truth in his own way. It may seem like a big contrast then but he will know that you had in his childhood come from a space of concern for his emotional growth.

You may also check in with other single mothers and they will surely have some things to share on it...at the end of the day, do what you think is right as a mother for your child.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Dr Aarti

Dr Aarti Bakshi  | Answer  |Ask -

Child and Parenting Counsellor - Answered on Feb 09, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2023Hindi
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Hello, I am Arvind aged 55, I have 2 kids, elder one is son ( age 26 yrs ) and is already in good job at IT sector in south India, Myself and my wife are raising our daughter who is 8 yrs younger to my son in North India. Our problem/Expectations: My son will not call any of us at his own, He hardly wants to share any part of his routine life, whats going on, untill we will ask him specifics. However, he prefers to just respond only when we initiate the call, txt etc. he would talk as much we asked in limited sentences, bare min txt like OK/Yes. Sometimes, many days would pass even without exchanging any call/txt/msgs- but it does not make him bother to know-hope everything is fine from his side. I mean we are not finding the warmth of son-parent relationship despite the fact that we are not keeping any expectation in terms of money, responsibilities etc. I have tried once/twice to explain that such behaviour hurts all of us. Do not know how to change such behaviour of ignorance, carelessness/avoidance. Pls advice.
Ans: Dear Arvind,
the most fantastic thing of having grown-up children is the world that they can show. Their world is the same as yours, just a different lens. Young adults when guilty shy away/keep to themselves/ or talk in few words. to bridge the conversations my suggestion is talking on neutral grounds. Both you and your child are viewing the world with different perspectives. A few questions that may start a conversation, on your next call, could be:
1.What is that fun app that I don’t have on my phone?
2. What music bands are you listening to these days?
3.Can you send me the link/ play me one of their best songs?
4.Who is your best friend right now? Which activity do you enjoy doing together?
5.Where would be an awesome place to go for a family vacation? Let me know your next break.
6.Did I ever tell you about how I met your (mother)?
Being a loving parent takes sacrifice, but he is an individual. sometimes inspite of being an adult he may not know how to bridge the gap. Do revert, I wish you and your family laughter and conversations.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 24, 2024Hindi
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I am single mother of 12 year old boy and got divorced last year after 7 years of living seperate from my ex husband, I got married in 2010 through matrimonial site and had very toxic and abusive relationship, so I came to my maternal home in 2016 completely. There were many occasions when he approached me and promised to behave properly but failed to do so . He only filed for divorce by making false accusations of being characterless. I gave him divorce and in return I got very less alimony or the amount which was given in cash to them in my marriage. Now I came to know that he remarried and living his life . He is still in contact with my son and sometimes he blame me and my parents for this divorce. My first question is that is he trying to manipulate my son ( he is not bearing any education expenses of my son) And when I ask my son if I can also move on in my life, he refuses and says I don't want to share you with anyone. So I am very confused.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your first question is something that you have already answered yourself. Since you said that you got very less in alimony, obviously it suggests that the terms of separation of assets and monetary compensation and support for you and the child was not drawn up by your lawyer. (if you had a lawyer or was it a mutual consent divorce?) I am unaware if things can be changed through legal means demanding more compensation now; you can check with a legal expert.
But I don't understand the manipulation part. What does he do to manipulate your son?

Secondly when your son says that he does not want to share you with anyone, he is just confused and scared. He has lost his father in this divorce and does not want to lose you as well. At 12, they go through a lot of hormonal changes and it can be a confusing time. Also it is possible that he has not yet processed this separation. Sit him down and explain what has just happened. He needs to first feel safe before he is in a place of accepting another person as a part of your life and his. Address all his concerns gently and provide him with all the reassurance that he seeks to feel stable and safe. On your part, are you looking for a partner only because your ex-husband has moved on? Something to ponder over...

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 16, 2024Hindi
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Hi ! 20 years ago, I was under a lot of stress raising my two kids while my husband worked abroad. I didnt realise that I was being terribly insensitive to my teenage son's need for attention and understanding. I did not understand at that time that his stubborn behavior and desire to be alone and the visible signs of hatred towards me were due to lack of outward expression of love from me. I used to think that I had to be even more strict with him to correct him and to bring him up well, not by being soft or kind. I also beat him at times and compared him with others with the intention of making him improve in his performance. All mistakes on my part which he has made me realise now . Today he is married and has a child. He showers her with affection. He hates the sight of me and doesnt want to talk with me saying I am the worst mother any child could ever have. I know I must suffer for my earlier behaviour. Just sharing.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Since you haven't asked me a question, I can't suggest much.
But can say only this: You son's behavior towards you is only a CRY for your attention. He does not hate you; he just wants you around but does not know how to tell you.
Be patient and show him love even if he does not accept it initially. Things will change slowly but surely.
And oh, you did what you thought was right at the time when you did it. So, don't blame yourself; instead focus on how to win his affection back and how to give him the attention that he has wanted...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 21, 2024Hindi
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I got married in 2008. Our son was born in 2013. My wife was doing PhD at that time and we both took good care of him as we were staying in an academic campus. Upon completion, my wife moved away from our place with her job in 2018. Initial one year, everything was fine. I used to visit them once in a month as the place was far away. Later in 2019, she moved to a better job location with our son. This place was also far from my workplace. Due to some reasons, she started avoiding me and I could hardly meet them especially my son. I could talk to my son only once/twice every month and see him on average of every 4 months. She does not allow me talk to him over video call as well. My parents who had a great memory with their grandson also cannot talk to him, except after several persuasions by me, she visits my paternal home once or twice in a year. She takes our son to my parents house for an hour and never allows to stay with them. This is happening for the last 5 years. I am clueless as any movement to court might lead us filing a divorce, which will grossly hurt my parents. Sometimes I feel that I should wait for my son until he becomes 18 (he is 11 now) and see him once he goes out of his mom's house. Requesting for your suggestion.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I truly believe that distance can drive a huge gap between two people in a relationship. Long distance relationships (LDRs) are not for everyone and if someone is into something like this, they would have or must have an honest chat about it.
Not being able to be in the company of one another, not being able to share their day with the other, not being able to communicate as often as they want can lead them to become their own person and highly independent not really missing their partner. It can also lead them to find other pair/pairs of ears almost replacing their partner at that moment. Repeating this over time can lead to romantic associations outside of the relationship as well.

Now, what could have caused your wife to take a step to be isolated from you, only you will know...and what has made you wait for 5 years to actually realize that something must be done about this?

Anyway, talk to your wife...I mean, how long can she avoid you? Meet her at a common place, like at your parents' place so that it does not flare up into a big thing. Take the opportunity to try and win your family back. Maybe it was a simple misunderstanding that caused all of this. Only when you try to find out, will you know, yeah?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu ji, I am 42 yr old single parent. I have a 10 yr old son living with me. My wife and I were separated when our son was 3 yr old and we recently settled our divorce. Immediately after our divorce, my ex-wife got re-married. Her husband isn’t willing to take my son in and hence she handed over his legal custody to me. She has moved on with her life and my son doesn’t feature in her list of priorities. I am more than happy to have him. During the last 7 years of separation, she did not allow me or my parents to meet my son, so we could not build a strong bond together. Now, it has been 6 months since my son has moved in with me. Its only me and him living together ATM. My parents stay in our ancestral village and are unable to stay with me. Though its challenging for both of us to discover and understand each other, it must be tougher for my son. He understands the fact that his parents aren’t together and hence he has to stay with either of us at a time. Sometimes, he does get emotional about this situation not being normal compared to his friends / cartoons / movies etc. He also misses his mother and often keeps quoting that “My mother does it this way...”, “Me and my mum used to do this / that” etc etc and I appreciate that. I am fine with him talking to his mother through WhatsApp and meeting her whenever they wish to. He is also close to his other maternal family members, and I do not have any issues with him maintaining that bond. Now the challenge is, my ex-wife and her family abuses and shoos me away every time I try to ask them about my son such as his eating habits, likes, dislikes, vacation plans etc etc. They also bad mouth me whenever they speak to my son. That poor little soul gets influenced and feels that its punishment for him to live with me. And I feel betrayed as I too have made sacrifices / adjustments in my career, relationships etc to be able to take care of my son. I feel like stopping his communication with his mum and maternal family, but worried if that would adversely affect him. Now I have also started to get angry whenever he speaks to his mum or maternal family and try not to vent out at him, but I sometimes I do. Please guide me to navigate this delicate situation and what should I look forward to in my life.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, stop going back to your ex-wife for things that concern your son.
You have taken the responsibility of raising him, then you can surely figure out his likes and dislikes over time. Spend time bonding with him and be very patient with the outcome. Overnight, you son isn't going to love and fuss over you. So, keep raising him with a lot of love and a very supportive environment. At times, you will see him angry or stubborn bringing reference to the way his mother raised him; that is not the time to be angry but to hear him out and actually agree with him. He is a child, why are you being one? Surely, you understand that this is a very confusing and challenging time for him...why not spend time finding ways to bond rather than get angry when he speaks to his mother? That is their unique relationship; don't stand in the way as your son as he grows older will hold you responsible for keeping him away from her.
Focus on building a connection with him...and if for some reason things get distressing and even more challenging, please take the help of a professional to help the family tide over this phase...
In the meantime, let your focus be on your son, his needs, his joys and sorrows and more...let his know and feel that you as a father will protect him and be there for him at all times...that will change a lot of things for him...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |9701 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jul 30, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 30, 2025Hindi
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Sir, my jee mains 2025 rank is 67898( female gen category) and mhtcet percentile is 95.5(home state maharashtra). Are there any possibilities of securing cse/ece/eee in NITs or IIITs (excluding north eastern ones)?
Ans: With a JEE Main 2025 All India Rank of 67,898 (female, general category) and a 95.5 percentile in MHT CET (Maharashtra home state), securing Computer Science (CSE), Electronics and Communication (ECE), or Electrical and Electronics Engineering (EEE) in NITs or IIITs outside the North East is extremely unlikely. For general category, CSE and ECE closing ranks in even lower-demand NITs and IIITs typically end under 15,000–35,000, and in leading branches at top NITs the cut-offs remain far lower, often closing by 9,000 or less for CSE and 20,000 for other core engineering streams. For IIITs, most CSE and ECE programs close below 50,000, and even the least competitive IIITs have last rounds closing by 55,000 for open seats. However, you have a strong chance of securing reputable CSE or allied branches through MHT CET in Maharashtra’s top private colleges, and potentially in government colleges for non-CSE streams, given that a 95.5 percentile generally translates to about 8,900–9,000 rank—competitive in many top city colleges outside the strictest cut-offs. When considering institutional priorities, both NITs and premier state institutes emphasize academic rigor, modern infrastructure, experienced faculty, industry connection, and robust placements, and these same factors should guide your choice among available Maharashtra options.

RECOMMENDATION: Admission to CSE, ECE, or EEE in NITs or IIITs (except North East) is not feasible at your JEE Main rank; focus on MHT CET counseling for CSE or allied branches in Mumbai and Pune’s top private, autonomous, or government colleges, targeting strong academic environments, faculty, and placement prospects for optimal long-term growth. All the BEST for a Prosperous Future!

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Nayagam P

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Career Counsellor - Answered on Jul 30, 2025

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My son has recently got his admission in vit .. vellore for mechanical engineering.. kindly advise sap for him for mechanical engineering if he is interested to pursue abroad....for mechanical engineering what's the good scope through Vit...what are the options if he wants to pursue abroad while in vit through their 2+2 or 3+1+1 programs or other opportunities if any...and University options
Ans: VIT Vellore’s Mechanical Engineering program is highly respected, offering a comprehensive and industry-aligned curriculum supported by NAAC A++ and ABET accreditations, modern labs, and strong faculty expertise. Students benefit from robust placement opportunities, with typical placement rates for mechanical engineering between 50% and 65%, and access to internships with leading companies in automotive, manufacturing, automation, and energy sectors. For those interested in pursuing international exposure, VIT provides multiple pathways. The Semester Abroad Programme (SAP) enables undergraduates to complete their Capstone Research Project, thesis, or approved coursework at more than 500 global partner universities, enhancing international experience and employability. Additionally, the International Transfer Programmes (ITP) offer structured 2+2 Bachelor’s, 3+2 or 3.5+1.5 accelerated pathways, where students complete initial years at VIT and transfer to universities abroad—partners span the USA, UK, Sweden, Belgium, New Zealand, and Australia. Some key universities include Massey University (New Zealand), the University of Michigan–Dearborn (USA), and institutions in Sweden and the UK, often allowing dual degree or direct entry into Master’s programs in mechanical and related fields. The program selection typically depends on academic standing and specific eligibility criteria, with the student completing the required credits at VIT before transferring. VIT’s International Relations office actively helps students select universities, facilitates credit transfer, and provides guidance on global research internships and short-term exchanges, preparing them for careers or further studies abroad. These pathways significantly boost prospects for international industry roles or advanced research, particularly in areas like robotics, smart manufacturing, aerospace, and energy systems. Besides international collaborations, VIT’s focus on innovation, problem-based learning, and industry partnerships ensures that mechanical engineering graduates remain competitive for both core and interdisciplinary opportunities globally.

RECOMMENDATION: Given VIT’s strong academic structure, extensive international collaborations, and flexible transfer programmes with prominent global universities, your son should actively explore SAP, 2+2, and 3+1+1 options. Engaging with VIT’s International Relations early ensures seamless transition for higher studies abroad and maximizes both academic and professional growth in the global mechanical engineering landscape. All the BEST for a Prosperous Future!

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