Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Anu Krishna |1745 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 23, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by RM on Aug 23, 2022Hindi

Respected Anu Madam, Your advice will be of great importance and valuable to me.
I really appreciate your answers and I want to take your valuable guidance.
I sincerely request you to take time to go through lengthy mail. Please oblige and help.
Madam, I got married in 1995.
My wife though well-educated often gets into her parents' shoes and never found to be satisfied with me. Unlike me, she was from a well to do family.
Based on my education and job, I got married to her. Most of the time she used to spend time at her parents' place, say around 5 months in a year. Rest of the period also hardly we used to be together -- maximum 4 to 5 times a month.

In 1997, we were blessed with a daughter. In 1999 she had a miscarriage.
In 2002 I went to the USA, but could not sustain and came back in September 2002.
In April 2003, she had hernia surgery, wherein she was diagnosed as HIV positive.
When I got tested I was negative. I was told that during the 1999 abortion, there was a blood transfusion during which she must have got acquired the HIV.
We didn't reveal this to my family members. Our parents are aware of this dangerous health issue. But I used to suffer extremely bad in all respects.
We started living independently since 2003, and I used to take care of her in all respects.
We never had any conjugal relation since 2003 (I was 35 years old then).
Even before 2003 it was very minimal and formal.
Every now and then we used to fight during which she used to be very aggressive and nothing less than me in anyway.
As a woman she has zero tolerance level. The slightest of things would offend her.
However things kept going. In November 2015, her health got worse and irrespective of consulting doctors, it was not improving.
Her CD4 count (immunity level for healthy living) had gone down to dangerous levels of just 10%. Her liver got affected with water accumulation and she was diagnosed with TB.
At that time, by God’s grace, with great difficulty I found a doctor, who gave her a second life.
For 18 months, I helped her to get back to normal condition while I was dealing with financial and mental stress.
In 2021 during Covid also I saved her life.
In the absence of any satisfaction, happiness or love, I never neglected or ill-treated her. In fact I provided her a very comfortable life in all respects and behaved with her in a usual way.
In 2018, I sent my daughter to the US for MS as per her choice.
In 2019, I purchased a 3 bedroom flat as per my wife’s choice and consent and presently we are living in that.
I give her Rs 10,000 per month as her personal expenses apart from providing all other things.
During my wife’s treatment in 2015, I came across a divorced working woman whose father also died of HIV.
Slowly, she also understood my position, we exchanged views and became closer. ?
She was an extremely fine lady with lots and lots of love and affection.
She never expected any money or small material things from me.
I can say she is a very nice and good woman, whom any person will rarely come across.
I felt very happy with her. She also got very much attached to me because of my attitude and behaviour.
Of course I never told my wife or discussed this relationship. This woman is living separately with her grown up children about 30 km from my residence. But, we love each other so much and have a lot of affection for each other.
Sometimes, very occasionally, I used to speak to this woman. But I never knew that my wife was observing me.
In January 2022, my wife made a big issue out of this. She is suspecting each and every call and movement of mine and looking at me very cheaply, which I am unable to tolerate.
I did so much for her and put my life at stake to bring her back to normal life from a dangerous disease. She is just not able to understand me.
If she doesn't understand my necessities, how can I be happy?
Madam, now my concern is:
1. In 2015 after second woman came in my life and after observing her for about 7 years, I found her very nice, independent, amicable, tolerable, Good behaviour, hard-working and good looking lady. We never want to lose each other, and we will be mutual support to each other in future circumstances. I am 55 and she is 45. My wife is 50.
2. Because of my wife’s nagging, I cannot sacrifice the second woman. I am very much committed to her and want to support her in all respects for the rest of my life. She is the only person who understands me apart from my mother.
3. At my house, I am being treated like a paying guest by my wife. Morning tiffin and night dinner she will cook for me. There is nothing more. Days are going very heavily. Only on need basis, we will talk. There is no affection or love.
4. Being in a responsible position I feel very stressed, depressed and I am not able to execute my duties. I have five years of service left to me and I am unable to understand how to lead the life later, in case my wife survives.
5. I have not done any injustice or ill-treated my wife but in case something happens to her, what will happen to me? I have not done anything out of lust. But as a man, I too will have some feelings towards a woman. But my wife never understood this basic concept and got adjusted.
Neither she will provide me any love (since 2003) nor she will tolerate any woman in my life. Though I don’t give her any pain, I feel this is unfair and sadist.
Because of the conditions prevailing around me and as a man, I was bound to do the above. Under these circumstances please advise me what should I do, thinking down the line after 5 years of my retirement?
Your advice will be a great help to me. Kindly oblige to address the above.

Ans:

Dear RM,

Thank you for being a caring husband and being by your wife’s side no matter what.

The dilemma that you face is something that actually needs a solution from you and not anyone else.

Try describing this to anyone and they might play moral police, advice you to do the right thing, forget the other woman etc.

What is it that you want?

It seems to me like you have stuck by your wife solely out of duty and care and you want to continue to do so.

In that case, how will your wife understand the new connection with the other woman?

How will the other woman accept who you are currently?

It is really difficult to tread on two different paths and to expect either is to understand is equally a difficult ask.

The least you can do is, keep it all transparent (it might sound impossible), talk to your wife to reassure her that your friendship with the other woman is in not in anyway going to undermine her position in your life.

If this does not seem feasible, I can’t see any ecological (something that aligns to your values) way to deal with the situation.

You might not be able to pursue a relationship under the wraps with your wife knowing about it and it is not fair to either of the women.

So, choose wisely and do what seems right keeping in mind that you cannot easily live two lives separately and expect to fulfil both at the same time.

All the best!

RelationshipReply

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Love Guru | Answer |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2022Hindi

Dear Love Guru, My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations. I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months. After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it. However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter. Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour. She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour. Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier. I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped. I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives. I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations. Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required. We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days. These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship. My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family. I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life. She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely. I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me. I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible. However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative. How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier? I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter? Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1745 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024