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Torn between love and family: Can different backgrounds be overcome for love?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |629 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 09, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 08, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am in a relationship from last 2 years. We are very happy together. But when my parents came to know about us they apposed it as we both belong to different castes different social backgrounds i am from a upper middle class family and he is from lower middle class family. He made his career from scratch. I Don't want to hurt my parents by going against them. They always told me how much they care for me what they have done for me and all that i will ruin there reputation by getting married to him. On the other hand i love him so much , he is a very nice person he cares for me a lot and i know i will never be happy without him. What should i do.. nowadays i Don't feel like talking to anyone and my family thinks i dont love them and i am ignoring them which is not the case i just don't feel like talking. What should i do to convince them for us...?

Ans: Navigating this situation requires sensitivity and careful communication. Start by having an open and honest conversation with your parents. Explain your feelings and how much this relationship means to you. Emphasize the qualities that make your partner a good match for you, such as his care and commitment.

Acknowledge their concerns and express gratitude for their care and the sacrifices they've made for you. Reassure them that your love for them hasn't changed and that you value their opinions. Try to understand their perspective and address their worries about social status and reputation.

You might also consider arranging a meeting between your parents and your partner. This can help them see his positive attributes and understand why you love him. Show them how he has built his career from scratch, demonstrating his determination and resilience.

It's important to remain patient and give your parents time to adjust to the idea. Meanwhile, continue to express your love and respect for them, reinforcing that your decision is based on your happiness and future well-being.

Balancing your love for your partner and respect for your parents is difficult, but with open communication and patience, you can work towards finding a middle ground that respects everyone's feelings.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1683 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello mam, glad to find you here. Mam, I'm a female, 27 yrs, I have been in a relationship with my partner since 9yrs, but he is from different caste. We both were immature when we started our relationship but our relationship grew stronger as time passed.We have gone through ups and downs of our relationship and are still intact. When I was into 3yrs of our relationship he was doing some odd job, at that time I told my mom about us and she said 'NO' because of caste issue irrespective of his job. Another reason is that my father is an impulsive person who thinks to harm himself whenever something happens, so mom said my father might harm himself if I go forward. At the same time there were some issues in boys family and my brother met them and he said no to it.But I couldn't get away from him, so I stayed. Later I talked to my partner about his family environment and I said that I couldn't stay with them because of the negative impact. He talked to his family and confirmed that after marriage we will lead our life under different roof but maintain the sufficient relationship with his family. We both are now settled in jobs but he earns a bit less than me but we earn a handsome salary combining our both salaries. Now, it's time for my marriage and I want to marry him and he have changed alot for me without leaving his family and he understands me very well. I feel safe with him. Now the problem is my parents wants to get me married and I also want to get married to the whom I loved but my mom and brother are not yet all giving me the chance to convince them. They are trying to convince me for marriage with others but I couldn't do that, that will kill me all my life. They are saying that if I go for intercaste then they have to suffer all their life and my father might do something to himself if he finds out. I love my family dearly and that's why I have been waiting all these years for their approval. I do not want anyone to lose their life because of me. My partner have left the decision to me because of my situation at home and he is supportive of me. My transfer is nearing where I have two options, one is to opt for my home town(not Village), where I can bring my parents to town with me to stay( now my posting is in another city). Second is to opt for different city( where I have to stay with my brother who doesn't approve of my love and blames me for his career). In order for me to convince them for my marriage should stay with my family or away from them and how can I convince them? Sorry' for the long story and I hope I hear from you.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Be clear about what you want and in this process/journey, there will be a lot of highs and lows...
Also, you may not be able to have the cake and eat it too which is why you are struggling at making a decision. You want to marry the man of your dreams that your parents and brother disapprove of BUT you don't want to disappoint them by going against them...You can't have one foot in two different paths...it will tear you apart; literally...
So, decide what you want, the pros and cons of going against the family...of course there are situations where over time, parents have accepted the boy/girl but there's a lot of patient waiting.
If you are in haste, they are not going to relent and you will be left feeling disappointed...
Decide and then do whatever it takes to make that decision right...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |629 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I'm in a relationship with a guy for last 2 years. We both stay in another country, and we met there. He is a PhD student and I'm a MBA student. We both are about to graduate from our respective courses. We both have a 7.5 years of age gap and he is from Kerala and I'm from Delhi. We both love each other, and are ready to fight for our relationship. He spoke to his parents, and they're very happy with us, but when I spoke to my parents, they made huge issues, and started saying, we will die if you marry him. We will die, you can take your pheras around our burning body. And they came up with some negative stories about him, which is not true. We both are very career oriented people, and respect each other decisions. I'm not saying, my parents won't have an issue, they will, since its about North-South India, also different cultures and Age gap. But they're bringing up issues, that I can't even mention here (political issues). I spoke to my parents first time face to face about this, and they said all that. To which I didn't argue, because I understood, whatever I say right now, they won't listen to me. I just told them, whatever you say, is okay. Can you please guide me with how to talk to them, and convince them?
Ans: When you next speak with your parents, choose a calm and private setting. Start the conversation by expressing your love and respect for them, acknowledging their concerns, and stating your commitment to understanding their perspective. Share your genuine feelings about your partner and the relationship, emphasizing the mutual respect, love, and career aspirations you both share.

Highlight the positive attributes of your partner, focusing on his education, values, and how he complements you. Address specific concerns your parents have raised, providing clear and respectful counterpoints to any false accusations or misunderstandings. If possible, arrange for them to meet him or speak with his parents, as this might help bridge cultural and regional gaps.

It’s important to be patient and give your parents time to process the information. They might need multiple conversations to come to terms with your decision. Lastly, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a trusted family friend or relative, who can mediate and provide a balanced perspective.

Your goal is to maintain a respectful and open dialogue, showing empathy towards their concerns while standing firm in your decision. This balanced approach can help gradually shift their perspective and foster acceptance.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |629 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 14, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I have been in a relationship with a guy since 10th grade its been 11 years now so we decided to tell our parents his family had no issues and he is currently in canada as a music student he has even started his own event management company but its still just beginning. My parents reacted in a healthy manner but the moment they came to know about inter caste and his financial status( not upto the mark) they had straight forwardly said no with alotbof drama and foul words even. Its been 9 months now im still waiting for them to agree but they are insisting me to move on and go for arrange marriage. I on the other hand belong to business family and has never done any job. But all this while i have cane to know i cant live without my parents or my bf and definitely not get marriaed to someone else. Please help me out what to do!
Ans: First, acknowledge that this situation requires careful navigation. Your relationship has stood the test of time, and clearly, you have strong feelings for your boyfriend, especially given that you've been together for 11 years. His dedication to pursuing his dreams in Canada and building his career in music and event management is admirable, even if his financial situation isn't yet stable. What you need to assess is whether you're willing to stand by him as he grows and whether you share the same vision for the future.

On the other hand, your parents’ concerns seem to stem from their desire for you to have a secure future, especially given your family's business background. They are likely looking for someone who fits into their worldview of stability, and this has led to their reaction when they learned about the inter-caste relationship and your boyfriend’s current financial situation. Their opposition is likely based on their love for you, but the drama and foul words, while hurtful, might reflect their frustration at feeling like they're losing control over your future.

You’ve expressed that you don’t want to lose either your parents or your boyfriend, and that’s where the conflict lies. In this case, the solution isn’t simple, but it can start with communication. It might be helpful to have an open, calm conversation with your parents—not to argue or change their minds immediately, but to help them understand your feelings. Let them know how much you value their opinion, but also explain why you love your boyfriend and why you believe in his potential. Sometimes parents need time to understand that relationships aren't only about caste or financial standing, but also about trust, love, and shared dreams.

At the same time, you might need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about your future together, especially given that he's still in the early stages of his career. Be honest about the pressure you're feeling from your family and make sure you're both on the same page about your long-term goals, including how you might handle financial challenges.

It's also important to remember that this decision is yours to make. You are in a unique position, being part of a business family, which means that you've likely been sheltered from certain financial realities. If you do choose to marry your boyfriend, the lifestyle may not immediately match what you’re used to. But if you're confident in his ambition and in the strength of your relationship, then that’s something worth considering as part of your future.

Lastly, while it’s painful to feel like you have to choose between two important parts of your life, it’s possible to work towards a solution that doesn’t leave you with regrets. Give your parents time to see your perspective, but also recognize that their acceptance might take longer than you’d like. In the meantime, staying true to what you value most in life—whether that’s love, security, or family harmony—will guide your decision-making process.

You might also benefit from seeking guidance from a neutral third party, such as a counselor or mediator, who can help you navigate these conversations with both your parents and your boyfriend. This way, you can approach the situation with emotional clarity and respect for everyone involved, including yourself.

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Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |629 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 25, 2025

Relationship
Off late ( 4-5 months ) iam experiencing extreme anxiety during flying. It was not there before. Also the recent airline accident and reading news reports about flight technical snags are adding to my worry. My job profile requires me frequency travel and i cannot avoid it. Can you pls advice me on some relaxation techniques or methods to calm myself while flying.
Ans: Hello Krish,
The important thing to remember is that flying itself remains one of the safest modes of travel, and your anxiety, while very real, is more about perception than actual risk.
When you notice anxiety rising before or during a flight, try focusing on your breathing first. A simple technique is the 4–7–8 method: inhale through your nose for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 counts. This helps calm the body’s stress response. Pairing this with progressive muscle relaxation — gently tensing and releasing muscles from your feet upwards — can give your mind something to focus on and reduce the physical tension that comes with anxiety.
Visualization also works well. Before your flight, close your eyes and imagine yourself boarding calmly, settling into your seat, and landing smoothly at your destination. During the flight, picture a safe, steady path in the sky, like a road, reminding yourself that turbulence is just like bumps on that road — uncomfortable, but not dangerous.
Practical steps help too. Limit caffeine or heavy news consumption before you fly, carry calming music, podcasts, or even guided meditations on your phone, and try to keep your mind occupied with a book, work, or even puzzles. Some people find comfort in talking briefly to flight attendants — their calm and routine presence can be reassuring.
If your anxiety feels overwhelming or keeps getting worse despite these methods, it may help to work with a therapist trained in cognitive-behavioral techniques for phobias. Even a few focused sessions can equip you with tools to manage the fear more effectively.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10334 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 25, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 25, 2025Hindi
Money
Hi Sir, I am 42 years old with 60K monthly salary. Have one child in 8th class. As far as saving is concerned, having LIC of Rs.2.5K monthly for last 2 years and SIP monthly Rs.3.5K for last 8 months. Have 2 Lac in FD. Can I afford a home loan EMI for at least 20-25 years? How can I plan my financial strategies after home loam EMI burden? Please suggest.
Ans: You have taken very good steps already with SIP and FD. Your intent to own a house and at the same time secure your family’s future is appreciable. With proper planning you can handle a home loan and also balance other goals. Let us look at your situation from a 360-degree perspective.

» Current income and expenses
– Your monthly income is Rs 60,000.
– Existing commitments are Rs 2,500 LIC and Rs 3,500 SIP.
– That means Rs 6,000 is already going into savings.
– You still have Rs 54,000 left for household expenses, EMI, and other savings.
– This gives you capacity to plan EMI if done carefully.

» LIC policy assessment
– LIC investment is small but not effective for wealth creation.
– Traditional LIC plans give low returns, sometimes lower than inflation.
– Since you are in second year only, surrendering and reinvesting is better.
– The amount can be moved to mutual funds for higher growth.
– Protection should be taken separately through pure term insurance.

» SIP and FD assessment
– Current SIP of Rs 3,500 is a good start.
– At your age and goals, SIP amount needs to be increased.
– FD of Rs 2 lakh is good for emergency buffer.
– But FD is not suitable for long-term wealth creation.
– You must maintain part for emergencies but shift extra to mutual funds.

» Home loan affordability
– A safe EMI limit is 30 to 35% of income.
– For you, that is around Rs 18,000 to Rs 21,000 per month.
– If EMI goes much higher, family cash flow will suffer.
– You need to balance EMI with child’s future and retirement.
– A 20 to 25-year loan is possible but keep EMI affordable.

» Risk of higher EMI burden
– Higher EMI blocks your monthly income.
– It reduces ability to invest for child education and retirement.
– If income rises steadily, EMI burden becomes manageable.
– But depending only on future salary growth is risky.
– Always choose EMI that you can pay even in tough times.

» Emergency fund before loan
– Emergency fund is vital before taking a home loan.
– It should cover at least 6 months of expenses including EMI.
– Your FD of Rs 2 lakh is not enough.
– Build this reserve before committing to loan.
– It will give confidence and safety during emergencies.

» Insurance protection
– Home loan adds large liability to your family.
– You must have adequate life insurance through pure term policy.
– This ensures family can repay loan if something happens to you.
– Health insurance is also very important.
– These covers reduce stress when EMI is running.

» Child education planning
– Your child is in 8th class.
– Within 4 to 5 years, higher education cost will start.
– This is a high priority goal along with home.
– Education cost inflation is very high.
– You must allocate SIP for this goal separately.

» Retirement planning
– You are 42 now and have about 18 years to retire.
– Retirement corpus needs long-term disciplined investing.
– Many people ignore retirement while paying EMI.
– If you delay, you may face shortage later.
– Even small SIPs now can grow large in long term.

» Role of equity mutual funds
– Equity mutual funds create wealth for long-term goals.
– They help fight inflation and build retirement corpus.
– Active funds give professional management and growth opportunity.
– Index funds cannot protect during market falls.
– Actively managed funds have better risk management for your goals.

» Debt mutual funds for balance
– Debt funds provide stability in portfolio.
– They are useful for near-term goals like child’s higher studies.
– They are also good for systematic transfers into equity funds.
– Gains are taxed as per income slab, but stability matters more.
– Balancing debt and equity avoids excess volatility.

» Regular vs direct funds
– Direct funds seem cheaper but they lack guidance.
– With direct funds, you miss the support of Certified Financial Planner.
– Mistakes in timing or allocation may ruin your goals.
– Regular funds with CFP monitoring ensure disciplined strategy.
– The small cost difference is worth the expert advice and reviews.

» Balancing EMI and investments
– Do not commit entire surplus to EMI.
– Keep part of surplus for SIPs in mutual funds.
– This balances house goal with education and retirement goals.
– House is important but should not block your other future needs.
– Balanced approach reduces financial stress later.

» Systematic plan for you
– Keep emergency fund of at least 6 months expenses.
– Maintain affordable EMI within 30% of salary.
– Take sufficient term insurance to cover loan and family needs.
– Increase SIPs gradually for child education and retirement.
– Review portfolio annually with a Certified Financial Planner.

» Psychological balance
– Owning a home gives comfort but EMI brings pressure.
– Proper planning gives peace of mind.
– Splitting resources between EMI, SIP, and insurance balances responsibilities.
– With discipline, you can handle loan and other goals together.
– Confidence grows when you see both home and investments progressing.

» Tax awareness with investments
– Equity fund long term gains above Rs 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.
– Short term gains taxed at 20%.
– Debt fund gains taxed as per slab.
– Planning redemptions across years can reduce tax impact.
– This will be important when you withdraw for education.

» Importance of yearly review
– Your income, expenses and goals will change with time.
– Loan balance and investments need tracking every year.
– Rebalancing ensures right mix of debt and equity.
– Regular review prevents drift and keeps you on track.
– CFP guidance is essential for this monitoring.

» Currency impact for education
– If your child studies abroad, currency impact will matter.
– Rupee tends to weaken against USD and GBP.
– This increases future cost of overseas education.
– Equity funds can help manage this inflation.
– Some international funds may be considered later for currency hedge.

» Finally
– You can afford a home loan with careful planning.
– Keep EMI around 30% of your income.
– Build emergency fund and take term insurance before loan.
– Surrender LIC and move money to mutual funds.
– Balance EMI with SIPs for child education and retirement.
– Stick to active funds and regular plans with CFP support.
– With discipline and yearly reviews, you can own a house and also secure future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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