Mr Ravi, my boyfriend cheated on me. I caught him but also forgave him because we love each other so much. It's been less than a year and now that we are planning to get married, I am suddenly having trust issues. I look at everything he does with slight suspicion. What should I do?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like you are going through a rough time and I am sorry for it. Here's a thought and I am sure you have thought of it too, try to see things from his perspective. While you know that you never cheated nor meant to, it is important to acknowledge that your boyfriend's feelings are valid. He is feeling betrayed and that's a fact. Now, our goal should be to fix this issue. How do we do it? Communication is the only way. Tell him that you understand his perspective but it is important that he sees yours too. If he wants to vent, listen to him. Do not interrupt or become defensive. Understand whatever he says is coming from his insecurity. I know it's difficult not to take it personally, but his statements will be a reflection of his feelings and not your character. Remember this during the conversation. Once he is done speaking, reassure him that you had no intention of cheating. You can also reassure him of your commitment. Promise to be more transparent and point out that you were honest with him from the beginning. If you had any intention to cheat, you could have easily not shared with him your past. But you did and that shows that you are committed to this relationship. Tell him that you understand the need for boundaries and it is not okay to be in touch with people who make your partner uncomfortable.

Look, rebuilding trust needs work and it also takes time. Both of you need to work on it. You will have to work on making him trust you and he will have to work on letting go of his misconception (which might be his reality) and trust you wholly again. Relationships don't work till two people trust each other completely. If he continues to say that he can't trust you again, it might be best to reconsider this relationship. Even though your words hurt him, you did not cheat on him in reality. Why should you have to live in fear that he will cheat on you merely to take revenge?

After you put in all the effort, see where it goes. If things do not get better, rethinking the relationship would be best. Everyone deserves someone who can trust and be trusted.

Best Wishes.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Clearly this is not the first time that your husband has been involved in 'something on the side'.
When he shows no remorse and no willingness to change his ways, obviously he's seeking a lot of validation from external sources. In this case, it happens to be the maid. (I hope you have sacked the maid already!).

Obviously with repeated instances of him going back on his word, the trust factor is in question. Does he even care? Your marriage is in a place where you must now either work on putting it back OR give him an ultimatum. What will work in your case, is something that only you will know...
Time to bring your husband to his senses; which means perhaps involving a professional to guide you. You may have to go at this by yourself, seek help in managing your husband and his waywardness. Then your husband will be roped in to deal with his deep down need for validation and succumbing to it over and over again. Then you can begin to function as a single unit towards making the marriage work. This looks like a lot to go through BUT the decision is yours.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Whether you want to forgive him or not is your decision. But I would wonder if he has confessed all of it. The risk of carrying infections from visiting these places is heavy; so before jumping into any physical act with him, do suggest to him that he gets himself tested. He may oppose it, but be firm on it.
You love him and that's all okay...But is he in love with you OR is he wants to be with you because his family is involved as well?

What is a red flag is the fact that he was still visiting red light areas while he was in a relationship with you. Do you not want to know why? Do you not want to know what makes him beg for your forgiveness now? Till such time that you are satisfied and you can trust him again, do not act in a hurry.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand how conflicted you must be feeling right now, and I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish I could tell you what would be the right thing to do, but it has to be your decision and yours alone. All I can suggest is to take a beat and not rush into deciding anything.

Take everything into consideration-
On the one hand, infidelity is indeed unacceptable in a relationship. But on the other, it was in the initial stage. He might not have been as serious about the relationship as you during those days. Nevertheless, the timing does not make his action justifiable. I suggest you have an open conversation and ask him why he felt the need to do this. Ask him if he did not consider your feelings. What's concerning is that he did not stop after the first time; he went back twice more. I am not judging his choice of location but the fact that he was in a committed relationship puts him in the wrong. Also, blaming it on peer pressure is inexcusable; this isn't something funny or trivial he did because his friends dared him to. Ask him to take accountability and understand that actions have consequences.

Take it one day at a time. Whatever you decide is okay. And if at any point you want to pick yourself over the relationship, I want you to understand that it is completely alright. You will feel like it's a selfish decision, but it isn't. Remember that. Please do what you need to help you heal from this.

Best Wishes.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Honesty is the core of any relationship and when this is in question like in your relationship, it's obvious that you are going to think and process every move and action of his.
The key here is to separate his actions from what is important to you. Let's assume for a moment that what is important to you is Honesty...then all is actions will be evaluated against this, isn't it? This game will go on and stress you. Instead, hold on to the fact that honesty is non-negotiable and that's that!
Now, assure him that at any point in time he has the space and liberty to talk to you about anything. This will ensure that you are accommodating. Being in a understanding space can put men at ease and who knows his wayward ways may end soon. But, hey you know best...But also know this, once the seed of doubt is set in, it's only going to grow. So, decide whether you want to trust him and if he really is someone you can put your trust on. You will know that being with him for 7 years...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/