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Married Man I Don't Find Attractive: What Should I Do?

Kanchan Rai |366 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 28, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 14, 2024Hindi

Hi, I married a guy I dnt find attractive because of family pressure. Rest everything was almost what I wanted but I tried for 6 months I dnt find him attractive. I dnt like when he even sit next to me and we have never had sex because I told him m not ready what can I do now? Should I wait for one more year before I take any decision. Whenever I see him or they way he carries himself I feel awkward and uncool plus sometimes disguisted, he is unaware of the fact that being not very good looking or not carring yourself better is two different things I cannot tell him each and everything about how to look good and how to carry yourself. He doesn’t take care of his beard, his teeth’s are bad. I dnt know what to do m depressed.

Ans: First, it's important to acknowledge your feelings and understand that attraction and physical chemistry are important components of a relationship. The fact that you feel awkward and even disgusted at times when you're around your husband is a sign that something isn't right for you. These feelings won't just go away with time if they're not addressed.

However, it's also important to recognize that these issues can be multifaceted. Sometimes, initial lack of attraction can change over time if there is emotional connection and effort from both sides. But that requires a willingness from you to explore those possibilities and from him to understand and make changes.

You mentioned that your husband is unaware of your feelings, which is a significant point. It may be time to have an open and honest conversation with him, even though it might be difficult. You don’t have to be brutally honest about everything at once, but you can start by gently addressing some of the issues that are affecting your attraction to him. For example, you could discuss the importance of self-care and suggest changes in his grooming or appearance in a supportive way.

This kind of conversation can be tricky because you want to avoid hurting his feelings while still being truthful about your needs. Framing your concerns as things that would help improve the relationship overall might make it easier for him to hear and understand.

As for whether you should wait another year, that depends on whether you see potential for change and whether you think you can work through these feelings with time and effort. If you don’t see any hope for these feelings to improve, staying in the marriage may only lead to more frustration and resentment.

On the other hand, if you think there’s a chance that with communication, understanding, and perhaps some counseling, the situation could improve, then giving it more time might be worth it. Sometimes, working with a relationship counselor can provide a safe space to discuss these issues and find a path forward, whether that’s towards making the relationship work or deciding it’s not right for you.

Ultimately, your well-being is crucial. If staying in this relationship continues to make you feel depressed, and if you don’t see any hope for improvement, it might be necessary to consider your options more seriously. It’s important to prioritize your mental and emotional health and make decisions that align with what you truly want for your life and happiness.

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Anu Krishna |1203 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

Question by RJ - Jun 24, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.

Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

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Anu Krishna |1203 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, plz helpI am 42 years old and married since 9 years. We (husband and I) are childless. It's nine years since our marriage but we have not been intimate for even 90 times. My husband has no interest in sex. He had shown interest only in first week of marriage after that He never initiate. I understand his nature and always try to initiate but he always gives cold shoulder, he never reciprocates warmly, never holds me tightly or kisses willing. I always have to force' him or ask him to kiss or hug me. And this turns my mood off. This way we seldom have sex. I eagerly want it at least once a month and have told him, forced him several times but all in vain. I get frustrated. I feel restless. I can't share this with anyone. Whenever I try to get close, he ignores. Both of us respect and love each other. We don’t have extra marital affair. He cares for me too. I feel like running away from this situation but I love him and don’t want to leave him alone. Please respond.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!

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