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Anu Krishna |1403 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by Anonymous on Jul 04, 2022Hindi

Hi, I'm someone. Sorry for taking your time please read this and help me I really need someone to guide me in my life right now. Sorry for this long mail. I would be really glad if you take time and read this.
I am 23 years old, a married girl. I got married to my husband on December 10 2021 last year. It was an arranged marriage. Our family met along with us in 2019 and fixed our marriage. At first I didn't wanted to marry because it was too early and I was just pursuing my bachelor's degree but my family didn't listen to me as I was the elder one so they wanted me to get married before they got old.
I agreed and slowly started developing a fondness and liking towards my fiance and later fell in love with him. But after our marriage things started to feel a bit weird. He has too many female friends which I'm absolutely fine with. I'm not that conservative. They all were invited in our wedding and I met them. they seem nice people but one of his friends is bothering. Let’s call her Y. My husband keeps talking to her on calls and messages all the time and the conversations are absolutely boring like they don't have anything to talk but still they keep up the conversation. I used to think it's fine or maybe I'm being too possessive but when I got to know that he spent 12 lakh on her I was shocked. He also spends money on her on a daily basis. He books an Uber for her daily. Whenever she needs anything he will immediately say I will bring it for you. Y is also married her husband is fine with it because he also takes money from my husband. In fact her whole family takes money. They're financially not very strong so I understand this thing of helping someone. What I don't understand is why does my husband have to talk to her all the time? Even when I'm sitting right in front of him he would ignore me.
Apart from Y, there is one more person he treats the same way, his ex.
A few days after our marriage I checked his phone (I know it's wrong but my instinct let me do to so cause of his behaviour) and I found some messages from 2019 between my husband and his ex. The conversations clearly proved that they were in a relationship and broke up in 2019. When I asked him indirectly as I didn't want him to know that I checked his phone he said that the (ex) is his sister. He lied! And I found that they are still friends which I understand. I'm fine with that. But I cannot be fine with them talking on a daily basis and my husband fulfilling all her wishes just like the first girl Y. He even took a screenshot her picture (ex) and saved it when she uploaded it on her WhatsApp status a few days after our marriage. When I asked him why are you keeping her picture, he denied and said oh aise hi, I guess by mistake So I ignored that. But he calls and sends gifts to her. He even takes me along with him to buy presents for her so that I don't think that it's wrong.
I always ask him why are you talking to your ex and Y all the time; you don't even spend time with me. Because of this there are lots of fights happening between us. He said he has work load and is frustrated with his life, dealing with depression, so to avoid those feelings he talks with his friends. I understood and allowed him to talk but he spends Rs 8,000-9,000 every month on them. He once said that he has to give them money so that they won't stop talking with him; that's how friendship works including Rs 5,000 flight ticket and taking loan worth Rs 12-13 lakh for them. I am a fool in love so I got easily manipulated and allowed him but not completely. I set a limit for him to not over spend more than Rs 5000 per month on them.
My family and friends are constantly suggesting that I leave him as he doesn't care about my feelings that I have given him way too many chances. Whenever I try to confront him for meeting up with them or spending too much money on them he immediately starts caring for me the next day. Because of this I always get confused that maybe he loves me too and I'm just being a possessive wife. I told him I will divorce you if you keep treating me like this and keep talking to your girls day and night. He said I shouldn’t talk like that and doesn't want me to divorce him as he loves me and he wouldn't have chosen me in the first place if he liked them.
Whenever I try to confront him about the girls, he says I think you have a boyfriend and you are cheating on me. Give me your phone I will check your phone.
I heard call recordings of him and Y. He records the conversations he has with the girls. When I asked he said he does it so that those girls or anyone won't blame him in future that he said something wrong. Anyway, I heard my husband saying bad things about me to Y in one of those recordings after being frustrated with me as I fought with him because of them. I was really broken. He said I don't give him space which is not true and he wants to go alone to places like markets or KFC or wherever he wants but I'm not letting him do that. At the same time he asked Y if she wants to join him and meet up at a certain place. I don't understand him. If there isn't anything wrong then why is he talking with her day and night and not being bored and with me he rarely spends time and wants space.
His parents are fed up with him they told me he has been like this always. They support me and want him to get away from those girls. They married me to him so that he would leave those girls and stop spending such big amounts of money on them. But he doesn't want to get away from them. He said that if by chance one day those girls stopped talking to him for some reason then he will definitely leave them. But they never stop. I don't understand why is he waiting for them to stop and why doesn't HE wants to stop. Depression? Maybe I don't know. I even told him let's meet up with a therapist but he refused and said he's fine and I'm being dramatic.
He talks to them at work and at home.
If he doesn't talk to them for a day he will get mad. I remember one time he was panicked and kept saying I want to talk to Y. It's not like they are blackmailing and stuff; they don't even want to talk with him. He is the one who keeps calling them; it's very weird. He is fighting with his family, fighting with me, just for them. He manipulates me a lot. He has lied to me several times about not meeting with Y.
Please advice what I should do. My friends say I should divorce him as my mental health is deteriorating because of him. I love him a lot but he doesn't care. He says he loves me but I don't find honesty in those words as he keeps repeating the things that bother me and our relation.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

What exactly are you waiting for me to say? Haven’t you seen enough red flags in your marriage?

Your in-laws telling you that he has always been like this
Your husband playing the victim of Depression to gain your sympathy vote and then refusing to see a therapist
Spending money to earn the validation and attention of two women who are possibly using him
Spending valuable time away from you to indulge his feelings elsewhere
Complaining about you to a person outside of marriage
Invalidating your feelings arising from this situation and making you like the bad one for complaining

Do you want me to go on?

How much more do you want to give in?

If you truly want this marriage to work, he needs to turn himself into a new leaf, which means he needs to address his insecurities, his behavior and more.