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Anu Krishna |880 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 21, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 19, 2023Hindi

I'm 68 and my wife is 62, I had heart bypass surgery 9 years ago and she underwent Angioplasty 2 years ago, I had a fling with a foreigner around 4 years ago and we went out twice for a few days and I got caught since she has the habit of peeping into my mobile and copied my conversation and pics and she keeps nagging me for that episode, though it was four years ago and since then we haven't met but her nagging and abuses in front of friends and relatives and family hasn't stopped, whenever I want to have sex, I literally have to beg and listen to her taunts and abuses and that puts me off, I have asked for forgiveness and said sorry more than a thousand times but in vain, she still keeps on taunting and abusing me whenever she's in bad mood and forwards me my pics and messages and makes an issue of it. How to solve this is a mystery.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Hurt is hurt and healing from that hurt is difficult as there has been a break in trust.
A mere 'sorry' will not suffice as your wife's taunts reflect her deep hurt. You seriously have to earn her trust all over again...
How?
- Doing things for her that you have not done before
- Offering to help even if she does not ask for it
AND then the game changer:
- Listening to her express her hurt (taunts) and say: I am sorry! I know that you feel hurt by what I did and I want to make it up to you. What do you feel I can do more for you begin to trust me again? (expressing it this way only tells her that you care enough to want to work towards rebuilding the relationship).

If it doesn't work the first time, then try again...This may feel very silly to do, but well, it works like magic! A lot of patience is necessary when you are attempting to rebuild a relationship and YES, don't leave any stone unturned.

All the best!

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Love Guru |187 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 13, 2022

Question by Anonymous - May 13, 2022Hindi

Dear Love Guru, Please keep me anonymous. I am a 45 years old married male. Ours was an arranged marriage. My spouse as well as my in-laws have cynical attitude towards life. They are always abusive towards everyone at their back even. Earlier, I used to take it lightly and also tried to make my wife understand that there are good people also in the world. I also used to think that she may not be having the same attitude at least towards me but I was wrong. I always did my best whenever she was in trouble or otherwise, be it in her social, professional or medical needs but instead of acknowledging she always found some ulterior motive of mine. She acts sweet whenever she wants anything or to get things done from me otherwise she becomes abusive. Moreover, since beginning she discusses everything over phone with her mother and acts as per her guidance. I don't think that anything whatever happens in between us be it good or bad or in our house is not known to her mother. Whenever we have any quarrel she immediately calls her mother and tells her only her side of the things and uses abusive words for me. I have even requested her that even if she feels like calling her mother to lighten up, she may do it, but at least in privacy so that I should not hear the words she uses. But, now after 14 years I am getting fed up and don't feel like being with her. I am continuing because of my daughter as separation may affect the child. We no longer share any emotional or physical intimacy. I am exhausted. Please advise. Regards, Anonymous

Ans:

Sounds like you’re tired of the marriage.

I would suggest attending some marital counselling together before you decide to finalise a split, if only for the sake of your daughter.

I understand that the child’s situation is taking precedence over yours, and that’s good parenting, but how long will you carry on like this? It’s been so many years already.

Your wife speaking to her mother about everything is understandable, but within earshot so that you hear it too is not. She obviously has ulterior motives.

Visit a competent counsellor. I’m sure you’ll be able to make headway in this situation.

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Anu Krishna |880 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 27, 2022

Question by S - Dec 27, 2022Hindi

Hi AnuAt the outset, thank you very much for your time to listen to my situation.I am 50 years old, married to my lover (46 years now) and blessed with two daughters. My wife comes from an upper caste with a poor background. She was my subordinate and got married in 2001 after dating her for more than 18 months.Immediately after marriage, I lost my job due to my mismanagement of responsibility with no criminal action. I suffered for six months and relocated to overseas and lived there for the past 19 years.With my hard work and commitment, my financial situation has improved considerably now. However, my wife's attitude has consistently changed in line with my financial growth. She strongly believes that because of her luck and my daughter’s luck only I was able to earn that much and live comfortably. With my severe official commitments, I did not mind her attitude that much. After the lockdown, I got the opportunity to understand the change and realised that she has constantly ill-treated me over the past 10 years. Also, I lost my parents a few years ago and my father gave his self-earned property worth a few crores to my elder brother and left nothing to me. At the same time, my wife got her ancestor property worth a few lakhs. This incident psychologically weakened me as she consistently abuses me saying she got a few lakhs worth of property whereas I got nothing from my parents. Now, for the last two years, she is not allowing me to perform my parents’ annual death ceremony rituals. She consistently uses bad words against my (departed) parents and makes most negative comments for the donations I made so far and terms me as an Idiot and useless person. She also criticises me in front of my friends and relatives.Her harassment gone to the extent of pushing me to commit suicide and for the sake of my daughter’s welfare, I managed to come out of that mindset on my own. Now, I am determined to live…. at the same time unable to absorb my wife’s harassment. I tried to explain to her in many ways and even begged her many times to stop ill-treating me. Instead, she is asking me how I am able to tolerate despite her ill-treatment for the past few years….Our physical relationship got disconnected for the past five years as she lists out silly reasons for avoiding me. She is refusing to come along with me to meet a psychologist. Also, she disconnected her long-term friends and created a new circle of friends in order to erase her past and maintain a high social image.From your expertise, kindly advise me on how to handle this situation which will be of highest support for me as I am having sleepless nights for the past 2 years.Kindly do not publish my name and request you to keep it anonymous.

Ans:

Dear S,

It’s obvious that there is something that your wife is upset about or missing and you have been blindsided by it.

It could be lack of love, attention or simply family’s worth that she might feel from money situation.

It needs a discussion but from your letter/e-mail, it doesn’t seem like she is interested in it.

What I don’t have information here is in the 19 years that you were out of the country, was she also with you?

This is vital information as things might have gone South while you were away.

Even if she did accompany you, maybe the mismanagement of responsibility situation that you mentioned was something that had thrown her off gear and insecure.

This vital information is missing for me to guide you even more effectively, but I can surely help you navigate with what is.

Yes, it needs a counsellor or a marriage therapist.

Nothing justifies talking ill about family members but when the mind is awry and unsettled, it does not think rationally which is why she is possibly displacing some anger or lack of affection or lack of something that is manifesting itself in different ways.

Ask yourself: