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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 28, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Oct 28, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
I am 28. We had a love marriage. But I don’t love him.
My parents were pushing me to marry all the time. He was my good friend.
Now I feel trapped living out a lie.
I love him dearly but I am not in love with him.
Is it wrong to continue a marriage based on falseness.
Plz help.
Regards,
Anonymous

Ans:

Dear Anonymous, 

How about that? A love marriage without love!

You sound fond of your husband. And yet you say you feel trapped in the marriage; what you are leaving unsaid, I think, is that you feel attraction toward someone else perhaps?

I understand your situation and I'm sorry that your parents pressured you into what was obviously a hasty decision that you have come to regret. Having said that, please know this: Even couples who fancy themselves in the throes of eternal love sometimes fall out of love and part ways. They stop getting along with each other.

Or then in other cases, the initial spark dies down, and people settle into companionship and caring. 

Don't get me wrong, it's always good to try and keep the romance alive in a marriage. But you seem to have what a lot of people are striving for -- a good relationship with someone who you get along with and do love, even if it's not the stuff of movies.

If you feel like you're unhappy, or destined to marry someone else, I say end it. If not, work on it. You can seek counselling too, to resolve your feelings about this situation.

Do remember, you could find someone else and then that new love may come with a different set of problems. You just need to figure it out, my dear. And you will, you just need to focus on what will make you happy. And if he makes you happy, don't walk away from the marriage.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |839 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

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Relationship
Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.
Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |839 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam, i m 32 year married women, my husband love more than anything, he is good in everything, he take care of me, he bring me whatever i want, he is very good in bed. But i dont love him. Before marriage i had boyfriend, he never accepted me and assured he will marry me, so i decided to marry my husband in 2019. Till oct 2022 i had communication with my ex boyfriend, but when he got married he stopped calling me and i also stoped thinking about him. Lately i meet guy in my office he is 23, music teacher, not so good looking, not completed graduation, not financial strong but i developed feeling for him. I lied to him about my marriage, to get close to him. Once my husband caught me doing wrong, told me to not do. But still i want to continue and want to live with this guy. I want to divorce and live with young guy. I am doing correct or not please suggest.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The fact that you are asking me whether it is correct or not shows that you are absolutely questioning yourself...
You yourself said that your husband loves you more than anything...then what makes you go around in circles searching for love and attention outside? Obviously you are unable to appreciate what you have...when you can't see that you have a stable life, all you think of doing is thinking of the boyfriend who did not accept you and the young boy who all of 23 is immature and financially unstable with who you want to live with!
Are things described in a nutshell now? You are free to make your choices but also know that you will have to bear the consequences.
At 23,
What sort of a life ahead he visualized for himself?
Does it include you?
What is the guarantee that he will not meet younger women later on?
And if you wish to start a family considering that he is already 23, does he have the capability to support you and the baby?
- Have you considered all of this?
Kindly step up for yourself and start thinking rather than running around in a scattered way looking for someone else to make you happy...

All the best!

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam, i m 32 year married women, my husband love me more than anything, he is good in everything, he take care of me, he bring me whatever i want, he is very good in bed also. We dont have kids because i never loved my husband. Before marriage i had boyfriend, he never accepted me and assured me that he will marry me, so i decided to marry my husband in 2019. Till oct 2022, i used to communicate with my ex boyfriend, but when he got married he stopped calling me and i also stoped thinking about him. Lately, in Sept 2023, i meet guy in my office he is 23, music teacher, not so good looking, not completed graduation, not financial strong but i developed feeling for him. I lied to him, told i am not married, to get close to him. Once my husband caught me cheating with him in whatsapp messages, told me to not do. But still i went ahead to continue my relationship with this young guy and want to live with this guy. I want to divorce and live with young guy. My parents and family love and respect my husband like their own son. I am doing correct or not please suggest me.
Ans: No you certainly are not “doing correct”! Here’s a good man who loves you and treats you well and has forgiven your indiscretions and still you want someone else? You agreed to marry, right - no one put a gun to your head. Now honour that commitment and stop being so fickle-minded. At 23, your boyfriend is really young and immature. Right now you’re all hot and heavy, but give it a minute; realistically your relationship is unlikely to survive in the long run. And you want to hurt your husband and walk out on your marriage for nothing…he’s only ever treated you right. Don’t be a fool!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |181 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am a 26 years old girl completed my studies, trying to get a job, 2 years back I fell in love online with a man of 32 years old, we have not met yet physically. He is working on a very small salary in a village i.e. his hometown. He can't get a good government job or private job now due to lack of experience and age. We love each other a lot with all our flaws. My family is strictly against it due to caste difference, low salary, he lives 1600 km away, background differences. Overall they don't trust him and our love and are emotionally blackmailing me to get married with someone they choose. And the thought alone of leaving him makes me sad
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry for the challenges you are facing. I understand how difficult it must be to leave a person you love. Having said that, I would also like to point out that living a decent life is not cheap. You are currently unemployed and your partner has a low salary; it will not be sustainable in the long run. I am not asking you to leave him and marry someone else; all I am suggesting is don't rush. Take the time to find a decent job and ask your partner to do the same. Once you think you both are earning a good amount of money, put forth the idea of your marriage again to your parents.

Now the most important thing, you have met him online and never met him in real life. Is it worth taking this kind of risk before verifying everything in person? I am sure he is genuine but there is no harm in cross-checking. And I can't really blame your parents for having their doubts. Please don't rush. One wrong decision can ruin the rest of your life. Take your time, think this through, and meet him in person, most likely in your city and in a public space. Do a thorough background check. It is easy to get fooled when you are in love.

Again, please don't rush. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Best Wishes

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1323 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 03, 2024Hindi
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Money
I am 41 year old. I have 1 cr in mutual fund. It’s been 7 years I started doing sip with 50000. Which I have increased With time now I have sip of 80000 per month. I need to know how much will have when I reach age 50. In my account
Ans: As you stand at the midpoint of your journey, it's natural to pause and ponder the fruits of your labor. Seven years ago, you embarked on a path of financial discipline, nurturing your wealth through systematic investments in mutual funds. With each passing month, you've diligently contributed to your SIP, nurturing your financial garden with care and foresight.

Magnitude of Investment:
Your commitment to growth shines through as you reflect on your journey. Starting with a SIP of Rs 50,000 per month and gradually increasing it to Rs 80,000 per month showcases your dedication to nurturing your financial future. Each increment, no matter how small, represents a step towards building a solid foundation for your later years.

The Power of Compound Interest:
As the years pass, the magic of compound interest works silently in the background, multiplying your investments manifold. With each SIP, you're not just investing money; you're investing in your dreams, your aspirations, and your future. The power of compounding rewards patience and consistency, amplifying the impact of your contributions over time.

Envisioning the Future:
As you cast your gaze towards the horizon, you can't help but wonder: what lies ahead? At age 50, where will your financial journey have led you? Will you find yourself basking in the glow of a well-nurtured nest egg, ready to embark on new adventures and pursue passions long deferred?

The Path Forward:
As a Certified Financial Planner, I invite you to envision your future with clarity and purpose. While I cannot predict the exact value of your investments at age 50 without specific calculations, I can offer guidance on how to nurture and safeguard your wealth as you continue along your journey.

Embracing Uncertainty:
Life is a tapestry woven with threads of uncertainty and possibility. While we cannot control every twist and turn along the way, we can arm ourselves with the tools and knowledge needed to navigate the unknown with confidence. As you journey towards age 50, remember that the true measure of wealth lies not just in monetary value but in the richness of experiences and the depth of relationships.

Conclusion:
As you stand at the crossroads of past and future, take a moment to appreciate how far you've come. Your journey is a testament to your resilience, your determination, and your unwavering commitment to financial well-being. As you continue along your path, may you find solace in the journey itself, knowing that every step forward brings you closer to the life you envision for yourself and your loved ones.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1323 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 03, 2024

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Money
Hi I am 37 years old and my Husband is 40 years old. Our annual salary in hand at our home is up to 20,64,000. My Yearly Saving is Rs 6 lakhs (mutual fund, LIC policy, Endowment plan, century plan, Post office schemes). My Expense like medical insurance, term insurance, car insurance is RS 50,000. My living expense per year is Rs 6,00,000. My loan is for Rs17,24,112 (including interests) for which I am paying every year up to Rs 4,31,000 till Feb'28. Also next year we have to purchase car because our car is getting expire. So up- to 14-15 lakh car we will purchase on loan. My child is currently in 6th grade and we both are working. So for happy life after retirement and save future, how much I need to save and in which plans. Please suggest. Till now beyond my savings written above I don't have bank balance which I can use as a emergency funds.
Ans: Navigating the complex landscape of finances, especially with looming expenses and future uncertainties, can feel like trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces. It's a challenge many of us face, and it's understandable to seek guidance on charting a path towards financial security and peace of mind.

1. Current Financial Snapshot:
You and your husband are in your late 30s and early 40s, respectively, with a combined annual income of Rs 20,64,000. Here's a breakdown of your financial standing:

Income and Savings:
Annual savings of Rs 6 lakhs allocated towards various financial instruments such as mutual funds, insurance policies, and savings schemes.

Annual expenses totaling Rs 50,000 for essential insurances (medical, term, car) and Rs 6,00,000 for day-to-day living expenses.
Loan Obligations:

Existing loan of Rs 17,24,112, including interests, being paid annually up to Rs 4,31,000 until Feb'28.
Planning to purchase a new car next year, expected cost up to Rs 14-15 lakhs, which will likely require additional financing.

2. Planning for Retirement and Future Security:
With retirement on the horizon and the desire to secure your future, it's essential to map out a robust savings strategy:

Retirement Goals:
Discuss and define your retirement aspirations with your husband, envisioning your desired lifestyle and financial needs during retirement.

Savings Strategy:
Determine an ideal savings rate that balances current expenses with long-term goals, including retirement, your child's education, and potential healthcare costs.

Investment Mix:
Explore a diversified portfolio comprising mutual funds, insurance policies, and government-backed savings schemes, tailored to your risk tolerance and time horizon.

3. Addressing the Car Purchase:
The decision to replace your expiring car involves careful consideration, especially given your existing financial commitments:

Financial Implications:
Evaluate all options for financing the new car, considering potential down payments and minimizing loan burden to maintain financial flexibility.

Alternative Solutions:
Explore alternative transportation options or delaying the purchase until you've built more financial reserves to lessen the impact on your budget.

4. Building an Emergency Fund:
Establishing an emergency fund is crucial for weathering unexpected financial challenges:

Setting Savings Goals:
Determine specific savings goals for your emergency fund, considering factors like living expenses, loan obligations, and potential emergencies.

Automating Contributions:
Consider automating contributions to your emergency fund to make saving more manageable and ensure consistent progress towards your goal.

Conclusion:
While navigating the complexities of financial planning can be daunting, remember that you're not alone on this journey. By carefully managing your income, expenses, and savings, and seeking guidance from a Certified Financial Planner, you're taking proactive steps towards securing your future and achieving your long-term goals. Keep focusing on your priorities, stay adaptable to change, and trust in the process as you work towards financial freedom and peace of mind.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1323 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 03, 2024Hindi
Money
Iam 40yrs old with 1.6lakhs take home with house wife and 3 yr old baby girl. Below is my current financial condition: 1. Taken Home loan for 35 lakhs for apartment worth of 55lakhs in 2022 with emi requirement of 41k for 11yrs (iam paying monthly 45k and one extra 45k emi yearly) 2. Took Gold loan of 11lakhs in 2022(paying from mar2024 onwards monthly 35k) for apartment purpose 3. Holding 2440 sqft land costs 25lakhs in 2021 now it is 35lakhs planned for baby girl marriage 4. 5lakhs emergency fund in FD 5. 6 lakhs FD for SBI life smart wealthbuilder plan purpose for next 6yrly premium payment, 6. Equity 5lakhs invested now mkt value 8lakhs, 7. Mf 8lakhs now 11lakhs (monthly 20k for 10 different funds with 1k stepup yearly) 8. EPF 20lakhs not withdrawn from beginning for retirement plan 9. Ssy 1.2lakhs for baby girl education (monthly 6k) 10. Ppf 50k for baby girl education (monthly 3k) 11. Nps 4.9lakhs now 6lakhs (monthly 12k from company deduction and 50k annually from my side) 12. Holding agriculture land 1acre 7lakhs near hometown purchased in 2018 now it is same price no increase... Holding bcoz I like to have agriculture land... 13. Holding Gold coins 50gms purchasing when there is Amazon offers.. for baby girl ornaments purpose 14. Term insurance 1crore for me and 50lakhs for my wife purchased in 2022 15. Health insurance 20lakhs with premium 60k for 3yrs purchase in 2022... Monthly 1.6lakhs take home spending as below: 1. 45k home loan emi (annually 45k as one extra emi) 2. 30k mf sip ( 3k each for 10 funds - quant infra, quant smallcap, quant elss, 360 one focused, canara robeco smallcap, canara robeco emerging, mirae largecap, pgim flexicap, parag elss, ICICI prudential technology fund) 3. 35k gold loan prepayment 4. 35k home maintenance expenses 5. 10k ssy and ppf 6. 5k apartment maintenance 7. 45k LIc premium annual requirement 8. 40k term loan premium annual requirement taken 1crore for me and 50lakhs for my wife total to 40k premium 9. 30k annually for bike insurance, services and other maintenance 10. 1.3lakhs for baby girl school fees from this year 50% already paid 50% to be paid in oct 2024 11. 60k premium for health insurance once for 3 years purchased in 2022... I have few ask sir: 1. Want to buy 13 to 15Lakhs car.. when to buy with my financial condition and I have no down payment free cash now 2. Should I change my financial saving/investment please suggest as I am not having any free cashflow post the monthly commitment 3. Want to generate 2nd source of income suggest plz which is good to have it 4. Want to become financial freedom by next 10years so what I need to do for it and plan better. 5. Any changes in the current plan suggestion
Ans: It sounds like you're juggling a lot, but you've got a solid foundation laid out. It's admirable how you're balancing your responsibilities towards your family's present needs and future goals. Let's address your concerns and aspirations one by one.

1. Car Purchase Consideration:
You're eyeing a new car, a shiny symbol of comfort and convenience. However, before diving in, let's assess if it aligns with your current financial trajectory:

Timing and Need:
Do you have an immediate need for the car, or is it more of a desire?
Can you postpone the purchase until you've accumulated a down payment or have more breathing room in your budget?
2. Reviewing Savings and Investments:
Your portfolio is diverse, spanning various assets from real estate to mutual funds. Let's evaluate if each piece is still working optimally for you:

Portfolio Alignment:
Are all your investments aligned with your long-term goals and risk tolerance?
Can you streamline or consolidate any holdings to reduce costs or enhance performance?
3. Exploring Additional Income Streams:
You're eager to bolster your financial stability by exploring secondary income sources. Let's brainstorm some viable options:

Leveraging Skills and Passions:
What skills or hobbies do you possess that could be monetized?
Are there freelancing opportunities or consulting gigs in your field of expertise?
4. Planning for Financial Freedom:
Your aspiration to achieve financial independence within a decade is ambitious yet attainable. Let's outline a roadmap to realize this vision:

Defining Financial Freedom:
What does financial freedom mean to you personally?
Is it early retirement, pursuing passion projects, or having more flexibility in your lifestyle?
Strategic Steps:
How can you increase your savings rate to accelerate progress towards your goals?
Are there opportunities to optimize investments or explore alternative income streams?
5. Optimizing Current Financial Plan:
Let's explore potential adjustments to your existing financial strategy to enhance its effectiveness:

Reallocating Resources:
Can you reallocate funds towards higher-performing investments or areas with greater potential?
Are there opportunities to automate savings or investment contributions for greater consistency?
Conclusion:
Your commitment to securing your family's financial future is commendable. By carefully considering each aspect of your financial situation, from major purchases to investment strategies, you're laying a strong foundation for long-term success. Remember, financial planning is a journey, and with patience, diligence, and the guidance of a Certified Financial Planner, you're well-positioned to achieve the freedom and security you desire.

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |839 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi ma’am My family is not accepting my boyfriend as he is not well settled and doesn’t have any savings. His parent are also divorced and father has a second marriage. The first children custody is still with parents however my boyfriend and his brother live with his mother. He is 5 year younger than me. My family is not accepting my relationship and showing me new proposals every day. To borrow some time i am just refusing the proposal my giving some excuses but now they know that i am still not out from him and waiting for him to get settled. Kindly let me know how can i convince my family to accept my relationship. My boyfriend is working day and night to get settled and have a good account balance. Please advise.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If your daughter came to you with the same situation, how would you advise her?
Would you not tell her your concern that she is actually choosing someone who may not be able to support her when she goes on maternity leave? Would you not tell her that coming from a broken family, she may have to take care of her boyfriend and possibly parent him on different occasions? Your parents are only concerned for you and are unable to tell you what they are worried about. Put yourself in their situation and tell me that you will not be worried.

At the same time, I do get your frustration. What you can do is to work on your parents' concerns and buy time till your boyfriend manages to settle down. And it seems like he is doing all that he can to be in their good books. And that's the only way you can get them to accept him. Wait patiently and don't put him under pressure. Instead be supportive and at the same time, you continue to work and be independent as well.

Never try to convince someone who does not want to be convinced but instead work on how they can accept him by addressing their concerns.

All the best!

...Read more

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