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My Friend's Wife Cheated! Should He Forgive and Stay or Move On?

Kanchan Rai |331 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 09, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 06, 2024Hindi

Dear Kanchan Mam, I have a very close friend who s been married for 10 years and with 2 kids one 8 yr old daughter and a one year old son. His wife whom he loved and trusted so much has cheated on him with one of her friend for almost 3 years which he came to know about recently. He could not digest that ..He thought of divorcing her but thinking about his children's future he changed his mind and told her to end all communication with her affair partner .She too agreed . My friend didn't tell about this to anyone except me including her parents whom he respects a lot and hence didn't want to hurt them ...But after 3 months he came to know that his wife is still in contact with her friend using another phone without his knowledge and her affair also has not stopped . This time he said he couldn't tolerate and told this to her parents and told them that he would be filing for divorce. Her parents are begging him not to do so and telling him to give one last chance as they would mend her this time . He told them that even after giving her a chance to mend herself she has cheated him and broken his trust . He says he cannot live with her without trust . So he has decided to move on but his wife is telling she will have no other choice but to commit suicide if he doesn't forgive her and has even threatened to commit suicide along with his children. She has attempted a couple of times too . My friend is in depression . He says he is also worried about his children's future without their mother ...At the same time he says he cannot imagine living with his wife again as before after being cheated on twice...He is asking me to advise. I am totally confused . Kindly advice the pros and cons of 1)forgiving her once again and living in a trustless marriage 2)moving on and finding someone more trustworthy . 3) If he decides to marry another person how will this impact his children . Kindly help me to advise my friend suitably...

Ans: I understand how challenging and emotionally draining this situation is for your friend, and I want to approach this with the sensitivity it deserves. Let's explore the possible paths he can take, keeping in mind the impact on his emotional well-being, his children's future, and the dynamics of his marriage.

If your friend chooses to forgive his wife and continue living in the marriage despite the breach of trust, the primary advantage is the stability it might provide for their children. Growing up with both parents in the same household can create a sense of normalcy and security, which is especially important for young children. However, this decision would require him to accept a relationship where trust has been severely damaged, perhaps irreparably. Living in a marriage without trust can lead to ongoing resentment, emotional distance, and further complications down the line. It could also mean that he would be carrying the burden of this betrayal, which might affect his mental and emotional health in the long run. The strain of pretending that everything is fine, especially when trust is still an issue, could be overwhelming.

On the other hand, if he decides to move on and pursue a divorce, this would allow him to start afresh, potentially finding someone more trustworthy and aligned with his values. This choice could restore his sense of self-respect and emotional stability, enabling him to focus on healing and rebuilding his life. However, divorce comes with its own set of challenges, especially concerning the children. The absence of their mother in their daily lives could be difficult for them to process, and the transition to a new family structure may be challenging. Furthermore, the prospect of introducing a new partner into their lives might be met with resistance or confusion, depending on how they adjust to the separation.

If your friend considers marrying someone else in the future, the impact on his children must be carefully weighed. Introducing a new person into their lives could be positive if handled with care and if the new partner builds a strong, supportive relationship with them. However, it could also be a source of stress and adjustment, especially if the children are still coping with the fallout from the divorce. The key would be to ensure that any transition is done gradually, with the children's feelings and well-being as the top priority.

In summary, your friend is facing a choice between potentially preserving the family unit at the cost of his own emotional well-being, or moving on to seek a healthier and more trusting relationship, which would come with significant changes for his children. The decision ultimately depends on what he values most and what he believes will lead to the best outcome for both himself and his children. He might also want to consider seeking professional counseling, both for himself and possibly for the children, to navigate these complex emotions and to make an informed, balanced decision.