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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |571 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 30, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Mar 29, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My husband and I have arranged marriage. I am 37 , I have High PMS problems with mood swings, inability to do regular work. Though I have tried to tell him that he may need to be patient about what I say during those 10 days, I feel he doesn't understand this. He gives me example of his mother or sister and how they didn't face this issue. I m highly irritable and unsure of myself and how I will react during this phases leading to conflict. I feel that he doesn't understand me and it makes me guilty, depressed and I don't know what to do. I want to remain silent during these phases. Now I have a function to attend of his relatives during this time, but I don't want to talk to anyone and don't have the energy to pretend. But I know he won't understand this as well.

Ans: it's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Dealing with mood swings and high levels of irritability during PMS can be difficult, and it's important to have understanding and support from your partner. Try to have an open and honest conversation with your husband during a time when you're both calm and relaxed. Explain to him the nature of your high PMS symptoms, how they affect you, and what you need from him during those times. Express your feelings and concerns, and let him know that his understanding and support are crucial for you.Provide your husband with information about premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and its symptoms. Help him understand that every person's experience with PMS is different, and just because his mother or sister didn't face similar issues doesn't mean your experiences are invalid.It's okay to set boundaries for yourself, especially during times when you're feeling overwhelmed or irritable. Let your husband know that during your difficult days, you might need some space and time alone to recharge. Assure him that it's not personal and that you still love him, but you need to take care of yourself. Focus on self-care techniques that can help alleviate your symptoms during PMS, such as regular exercise, healthy eating, mindfulness meditation, and relaxation techniques. Prioritize activities that help you feel more grounded and balanced. Consider consulting with a healthcare professional or therapist who specializes in women's health or mental health. They can provide you with personalized strategies and support to manage your PMS symptoms and any associated emotional difficulties. If you feel too drained to attend the function, communicate this to your husband. Explain that you're not feeling up to socializing due to your PMS symptoms, and ask for his understanding and support in skipping the event. If it's absolutely necessary for you to attend, try to find ways to conserve your energy, such as limiting interactions and taking breaks when needed.Remember that it's okay to prioritize your own well-being and advocate for your needs in your relationship. Your husband may need time to adjust and understand, but with patience, empathy, and clear communication, you can work together to find solutions that benefit both of you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |571 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 03, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I recently got married. I find it hard to live with my mother in law as she wants to micromanage. My husband keeps telling me that things are gonn be alright once you both understand each other ( His mother and I) due in time. My husband hardly stays at home due to work. I find it unfair that I’m made to adjust to his difficult mother while he continues to go about his life. Although we agreed to stay together with his mother after we are married, now that I’m finding it hard and I have requested him multiple times to do something about it since it’s effecting my mental health. And my point is that since it’s hard for me and since he is my husband why can’t he make some arrangements for me to live separate, example by making excuse of my workplace being too far from his house etc. But what he only says is ‘ Everything will be fine with time’ and I find this statement itself dismissing my difficulties. While he hardly stays at home he leaves me behind to adjust to his difficult mother is also something I find unjust. What shall I do
Ans: You’re absolutely right to voice your concerns; it’s a major transition, and feeling micromanaged can take a toll on anyone. But it’s also clear that your husband feels a sense of duty towards his mother and believes that, over time, things may settle naturally as you get to know each other better. While his optimism might feel dismissive, it’s likely coming from his hope that time will help ease things for both of you.

Taking a step back, it might be helpful to consider his perspective. For him, there’s likely a deep-rooted loyalty and sense of care for his mother, perhaps much like what you might feel if it were your own mother. He might hope that the three of you can coexist peacefully and that, with patience, you and his mother will reach an understanding. It’s possible he’s trying to avoid confrontation, believing it will make things harder for everyone.

Perhaps, try to find a balance that respects both your needs and his family obligations. You could approach him with empathy by acknowledging, “I understand that you want us to grow closer and that it’s important for you to support your mother. I’d feel the same if it were my own mother.” But you can gently express that, despite your efforts, the situation is taking a toll on your mental health and that a temporary solution, like living separately, could actually help everyone in the long run. Let him know that you want to build a strong relationship with his mother, but to do so, a bit of breathing room may help you approach her with more patience and understanding.

Opening the door to his perspective in this way might soften his stance and encourage him to consider arrangements that balance everyone’s well-being. By approaching the situation together, as a team, you’re more likely to find a solution that honors both his responsibilities and your need for space, making room for a more peaceful family dynamic in the long term.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |571 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Dr. I am 27 year women with a 5 year old girl and 7 months pregnant. I was married 9 years ago. We faced many ups and downs in our life. Three years back , I went to dubai where my husband was working, to spend with him. But as a mobile addict , most of the time he will be on mobile when he was at home or sleeping. We spend little quality time . That too on my or my daughter's insist. Later I got job there as a teacher @ school . I worked there about two years when I got pregnant I return back to my home country. As he was resigned in search of better opportunity, even he is also with me in India now. He is short tempered and whenever he talks he raises his voice. For every single thing he is worried and shouting at me . It makes me feel sad. He is not bothered about my health and if I ask something like fruits to buy he will get angry saying that I am the one who is to manage the expenses and he can't afford buying things for me. He blames me for single thing. I need to ask permission for spending my money. He is in charge of taking care of my money. Main thing that I can't digest from his side is that he demands me to obey him like a slave. He says that how we are to the God , likewise you should obey and bear what ever from his side. Till that my love towards him isn't completed that is what he says. He never ever gives me a chance to explain or communicate my issues. Now I feel emotionally mentally very distant from him. I am staying at my home . Though his house is nearby mine, he rarely find time to visit me or call me. What should I do?
Ans: Your husband's behavior, as you've explained, reflects patterns of control and a lack of empathy for your well-being. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, open communication, and partnership, not dominance or one-sided expectations. The idea that you should obey him like a slave is deeply concerning and goes against the foundation of a healthy and loving relationship. His unwillingness to engage in meaningful communication or to show care during your pregnancy exacerbates the emotional distance you feel.

Right now, your primary focus should be on your mental and physical health and that of your children, both born and unborn. It's important to have a support system around you. Being with your family at this time seems like a good decision, as it gives you some space from the negativity and an opportunity to focus on yourself.

You deserve to feel heard, valued, and supported in your marriage. It's worth considering having a candid conversation with your husband when emotions are not heightened, explaining how his behavior affects you and the marriage. If he is unwilling to listen or dismisses your feelings, it may be time to consider seeking professional help, such as marriage counseling, where both of you can work on your relationship dynamics in a neutral and supportive environment.

If he refuses to engage in any efforts to improve the relationship or continues to demand unquestioning obedience without regard for your well-being, you might need to reflect on whether this relationship aligns with the life you envision for yourself and your children. No one deserves to feel like they are unworthy or diminished in their own home.

Remember, taking care of your emotional well-being is not just about your own happiness but also about creating a nurturing environment for your children. You are strong, and you have already shown resilience by navigating this challenging relationship and focusing on your responsibilities. Trust in your ability to make decisions that prioritize your dignity, health, and future. If you ever feel overwhelmed, consider reaching out to a counselor or therapist who can provide support tailored to your circumstances and guide you through these difficult emotions.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |1150 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Apr 04, 2025

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Sir, Age: 26 Subject: NPS ( National Pension Scheme) Scheme Choice : LC 75 ( Aggressive Auto Choice) Tier : Tier 1 Pension Fund: ICICI Prudential Pension Fund Current value of scheme : Rs. 57927/- Investing Rs. 5600/- on a monthly basis My goals: Want my portfolio to beat inflation and provide a pension of Rs. 1 lakh monthly ( in hopes that beating inflation value of Rs. 1 lakh does not decrease over time) Time horizon : 34 years Questions: 1. Sir will my NPS scheme beat inflation? 2. Is the Pension Fund ( ICICI Prudential) a good choice or should I shift? 3. Will one lakh pension after 34 years be enough to support my lifestyle? (Assuming that everything pans out smoothly) 4. Judging by today's tax law income up to 12 lakh p.a. is non taxable, will I be taxed on my pension still if the law remains as is? (Hypothetical question) My details : 1.Unmarried, never planning on marriage or kids ever. 2.Current utility bills amount to Rs. 15,000 per month 3. Other expenses Rs. 5-7k per month. 4. I have other investments too, but I want to know if I can rely on NPS in old age or not. With this information alone, is retirement with NPS feasible?
Ans: Hello;

Your current expenses add upto 22 K per month.

After 34 years this amount will be 1.6 L per month considering 6% inflation.

This would need a corpus of 5-6 Cr.

Your current investment would fetch you around 1.2 Cr which is quite low.

You need to invest minimum 25 K per month in NPS to expect 5 Cr+ corpus build after 34 years. (A modest 8% return considered from NPS)

Also you may shift from Auto choice to Active choice so as to ensure 75% allocation to equity upto 50 age.(In Auto choice after 35 age equity allocation is tapered down).

You are allowed to have different fund managers for different asset classes based on their performance in respective category.

Current fund manager looks okay however you need to review performance every year.

For generating retirement corpus it is better to have 2-3 investment avenues rather then a single one.

A mix of EPF/PPF, NPS and MFs should be more appropriate.

Best wishes;

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