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Confused wife: Can't move forward without forgiveness from emotionally distant husband

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1355 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Hello, I am a 42 year old woman with a 14 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. Ours was an arranged marriage. I got married at age 23 and my husband is just 2 years older to me. Right from the beginning my husband is great at cooking, household chores etc but never expresses romance openly. I was always a emotional woman who slowly turned to him and stopped expressing my needs well. So far out marriage was great cos I avoided confrontations and arguments. Only thing was he was always a critical person and I am emotional girl . Since I cld not express myself clearly as he never heard me, my communication with him sounded nagging, comparing and complaining. In 2011, he cheated on me and I learnt on his affair. I did not know how to process this phase so immediately forgave him within 2-3 days and even ended up being pregnant with my daughter. However he never used to speak on his past affair not were my feelings resolved. Whenever he would speak rudely or yelled at kids or me for little things, the past trauma would trigger and I would openly remind him of his grave mistake. This went on and he would get agitated and keep quiet. One day he did tell me that lifelong he needs to live with this past of me reminding him. But he has never understood the trauma I have gone through. I have just repressed it all along. Cut short 2024- there is lots of resentment with us. In 2022, I saw messages that he exchanged with another lady colleague on romantic songs , good morning messages and they would casually meet for lunch etc . This time I flew in rage and assumed he has cheated on me again. Told him first time I was a fool who didn't notice things right under my nose and now this is the latest. We had a big fight. I reminded him of his dirty past. At first he looked shocked from these allegations and told me he will clarify everything later. But next day in 2022 , when I asked him, he appeared to be a changed man and sounded more confident that he didn't do anything wrong. I pestered him to take me to office, we went to his office I met this lady and politely told her to stop sending good morning messages to my husband. I indirectly told her I have trust issues because of a past but did not elaborate. My husband who had taken me to the office , later was annoyed because apparently the woman colleague was annoyed about me coming to office and also mentioned about my trust issues. At this point this great husband spilt out to her that he had cheated on me. I never ever disclosed anything to her. Later he messaged me saying he was very annoyed and upset that I disclosed the dirty past to his colleague and if anything happens to his job he will never forgive me. I did tell him I never disclosed but he did not belive me. From 2022 until now we are almost in a silent divorce phase. We sleep in different bedroom and only communicate basic stuff on milk, curd , veggies etc He had never connected to me emotionally and would always get annoyed when I wld cry or show my frustrations. Now after all this he has literally cut me off emotionally. In this period from 2022-till now I did try to get back to normal but his vibes are very negative and disconnected. So even I too started distancing myself. During 2022, after the incident he had mentioned on how it is important to work, ve independent and how he favours open relationships ( non sexually). I was always working but earned lesser and used to depend on him a lot. Now I have changed in these 2 years, I have a better job and am not at all dependent on him emotionally, physically or mentally. Infact I pitch in to our household expenses.Our lives are totally disconnected and we there just for the kids. He cooks for all of us, I take care of remaining chores and help them in their studies . We don't attend family events and this has left many guessing on our status. I have lot of unresolved emotions and since he cannot process my emotions or least interested to hear me out I don't know when I will explode. I am just repressing my feelings and keeping a happy cheerful face for the family and kids. We even went for a vacation for kids sake where we just interacted with kids. Kids know things are not allright and pray for us together. I know this isn't healthy for me and I will invite psychosomatic issues in life later on. I am still attached to him and maybe once he expresses a sorry or a remorse and have a hope we can fall back in love again. Why can he never understand that emotional trauma that I have gone through Inspite of being loyal to him always. For once if he just uses kind words and apologises I will forever love him and forget everything.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband perhaps is someone who is not great at conflict management; he finds it easier to avoid it and avoidance can mean that he hopes that it will go away or that you will stop talking about it or that he can find ways of actually pinning the blame on you for the way that he is feeling.
So, you will come across as nagging and may also feel guilty for asking him to listen to the way that you feel about the past incident. This is classic avoidance response from him that will make you wonder of you are actually wrong and at some point you may even start justifying his actions.
Repression is temporary; eventually all the emotions will collect themselves and hit back when you least expect it. If you want him to hear you and the way you have felt about his cheating, he will again get pushed into an avoidance mode. He has not learned any other way of handling conflicts. So, either you can go to couples counseling together OR you accept this side of him. Sounds too much to do, yeah? But how can you change a person who does not want to change. Some people also cannot express their love the way you have mentioned.
Since you still love him, I can only assume that the marriage holds a lot of significance for you. Then you can be happy only when he changes OR you accept him... which one seems more doable, start with that first...who knows if an external person like an expert can actually guide the two of you, things may fall in place!
I would also suggest requesting him for an honest chat where he is also in a space to LISTEN to you...try...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

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I am from Hyderabad. Age 40 years old . My name is XY and I’ve been married for 17 years. I have two boys. Ours is a love marriage.I felt like everything will be good and smooth but right after our elder kid was born my life changed. I am an MBA and several times I told my husband that I’d like to work. He said he’d help when the right time and opportunity comes. Until then I should nurture my kids as it's my responsibility and I should support him. But in the 2015, my kid noticed his chats with another lady. I was shocked because many times he’d refused sex with me. We’d get intimate maybe twice or thrice a year. I thought he was busy or maybe he doesn’t like my body. But when I caught him he said, what is over is over. Don't raise the topic. Leave me. I just kept quiet. He said what ever happened, I will be the same for my kids’ future sake. Many quarrels happened. But in 2020 his behaviour came to light. For example if I said anything, he'd punish me by not speaking to me for months. But he'd want me to wash his clothes and fulfil other necessities at home.Once I opened up and said I want to go for counselling. There he told the doctor, ‘She wants my property but she never allows me to care of my mom. She won't allow me to talk to my friends.’ I was shocked. I told him 'I never asked for money or property. I just want to quit.' I went home and told myself if he repeats this another time I won't take it for granted. But again in the month of February, he continued his behaviour. He shifted to another bedroom for a few months where he’d watch TV and have food. He'd even sleep in the kids’ bedroom. I stopped bothering. At some point, I felt like I deserved someone who trusts me.I want to quit because he thinks I am a loyal maid who will take care of kids and the household. He communicates with like ‘What I should get? Milk veggies etc?’ He never treats me with love and affection. Now everything is spoiled. I want to have a new life. I want to be set free from him. Please suggest what to do.
Ans:

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!

..Read more

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Janak

Janak Patel  |8 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 30, 2024Hindi
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Hi, i am 52years old, wanted to retire early, following are my investments, MF - INR 65L, Equity - INR 22L, 3 houses, one is self-occupied, other 2 houses valued at INR 90 L and INR 32L respectively, i have home loan outstanding of INR 12L, FD of INR 36L , PF INR 32L, monthly expenses requirement is INR 1 L, kindly help me to plan my early retirement. Thank you in advance for your reply on my question.
Ans: Hi,

As there are many things to consider for an early retirement, one of the first is to start thinking about it in a more realistic manner. An early retirement is not necessarily stop working life, but think of it as a more comfortable schedule that provides you opportunities to relax and pursue your passion and interests and live life on your own terms. You may or may not undertake an activity which can be monetized, meaning which provides you some sort of income - not necessarily to cover your living expenses in whole/part. So do give it some thought of how you intend to keep yourself occupied once you retire from your "current schedule". Will you generate any source of income or will you incur/require more expense.

At current age of 52, an early retirement even if we consider at 55 years of age, it a still a long life ahead. I will make a lot of assumptions in my response as these are not known from your query - such as life expectancy of another 30 years, average return of 8% on all investments for future etc. Are the 2 real estate properties earning any kind of rent that can be considered as income.
There are too many variables that go into the calculations for retirement which are specific to each individual and their circle of life.

Generic solution - You have a currently accumulated investments valued at INR 2.65 Cr (all investments less loan).

Current monthly expenses is INR 1 Lac, over which inflation needs to be applied each year (depends on lifestyle and composition of items of expenses).

So if your cumulative investments appreciate at average 8% annually, and your monthly expense increases at 6% annual inflation, your current accumulated investments are just about enough to manage expenses for next 30yrs (excluding tax implications - refer below).

Points to consider -
1. Inflation in real world is more than 6% (depends on the individual)
2. Liquidation of investments e.g. Real estate attract expenses/fees and tax on capital gains as it will be lumpsum
3. PF post retirement will earn interest only for 3 years, so you need to plan to re-invest the amount
4. Interest income on FD attracts tax at slab rate
5. Withdrawal of amount for monthly expense from your investments will attract tax on capital gains (MF and Equity)

I strongly recommend you connect with a Certified Financial Planner for personalized guidance and prepare a plan that will take into consideration your risk profile and overall investment management towards the retirement. Benefits will include a more tax efficient plan which will consider your requirements and ensure retirement goals are achieved and if there is a shortfall - what alternatives you need to consider.

Hope this is helpful and all the best for the future.

Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

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Dr Nagarajan J S K

Dr Nagarajan J S K   |174 Answers  |Ask -

Health Science and Pharmaceutical Careers Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Career
Sir I am preparing for mbbs, but I'm not able to crack that. I'm a middle class student. Can I pursue mbbs in abroad under 8 lakhs in a best college for mbbs?After that can I able to be a doctor in India?
Ans: Hi Lagna,

It seems you haven’t provided the details clearly on this platform. If you could share more information, I’m sure you will receive helpful input.

Based on your message, I understand that you are considering pursuing a career in medicine. If you intend to enroll in a medical program either in India or abroad and plan to practice in India after completion, here are some important guidelines according to the National Medical Commission (NMC):

You must appear for the NEET exam, as it is a mandatory requirement for anyone wishing to pursue graduate medical education in India or elsewhere while intending to return and practice in India. According to the NMC eligibility criteria: “No student shall be eligible to pursue graduate medical education either in India or elsewhere (if they want to return and practice in India), except by scoring the minimum eligible score at the NEET UG exam. The UGMEB will announce the list of eligible students periodically.”

Therefore, I recommend preparing for the NEET exam and trying to secure admission in India itself. If you choose to pursue medical education abroad, you can still practice in India, but you will need to pass exit exams as well.

Regarding your question about pursuing MBBS abroad for under 8 lakhs, are you asking if this is per year or for the entire course? Studying abroad at that cost per year is possible. However, when you take into account the total expenses, which include course fees, accommodation, food, travel, visa, and other costs, it might be more feasible to complete your MBBS in India.

I hope this clarifies your queries!

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Patrick

Patrick Dsouza  |879 Answers  |Ask -

CAT, XAT, CMAT, CET Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

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Hi Sir, I am 41 years old. I've 15 years of experience in Finance (FP&A) domain. In last 2.5 years I have changed 3 companies due to lay off, Cultural misfit and latest one due to Personal and family issue. I quit my last job in Sept'24 (from Apr;24 to Sept'24). Due to some family issues, Lay offs, Challenges faced on the job I am feeling very low. I don't have any confidence left as a result don't want to return to work out of fear and anxiety. However, I also want to upskill myself and thinking of pursuing US CMA. But I am in dilemna that with around 15 years of work experience would it open any gates for growth opportunities going forward. Another dilemna that I am constantly fighting is to whether think of making a switch from Finance domain to Learning & Development domain. I have good communication & interpersonal skills and have always had a liking towards L&D domain. Now myself on a Career break I am not sure how to proceed further - Whether to pursue my Career in Finance and look for jobs in Finance domain and then gradually look to switch to L&D domain or Look for the opportunities only in L&D domain. I have an emergency fund that can take care of my expenses for next 6-8 months. Looking forward to your guidance that can help me bounce back in my career as I am feeling lost, depressed and Lack of Confidence at present in life. Thanks.
Ans: Learning is a continuous process. So doing a course in Finance should not be a problem. As far as getting into LnD domain, start with being a faculty in one of the colleges or can start with taking private tuitions. See if it suits you. If it does, then you can decide to make the switch.

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