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Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 21, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

How to deal with a manipulative mother-in-law?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Again, I don't have much information as to how and when you feel that your mother-in-law is being manipulative. So, I will assume that she is...
1. Ignore her need to pull you into her drama
2. Be assertive about how you feel
3. Do not expect her to change

Instead, get what you want by being more silent and if need be not give in to her demands. When she is faced with a different behaviour from you, she might be willing to look within herself and change. Arguments only lead to more ego clashes and the need to prove that the other person is wrong. But silence at times, has known to make a point and elicit a change.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 07, 2023

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I am brought up in a middle class family where both my parents were working. I am the elder sister and I have a younger brother. Since childhood i feel that my mother has given more time and efforts towards my brother. When he asks something he gets it and when I ask I'm told that it's not required. My mother pretends that she treats both of us equal but i can feel the difference. I'm currently married with a 4 year old kid. My husband is very loving and we have a happy family. My issue now begins when my mother comes to stay/visit us. She begins pointing faults and imposing decisions on us. She does that same with my husband and he doesn't like it either. My mother wants to prove herself right even if she is wrong and will never accept her faults. She is interfering with my child's upbringing too. She will never ever behave like that with my brother. I won't deny the fact that she comes to help when I need since I have no inlaws but just because she knows that we need her she will try to dominate over us. One example is that when my child was 10 months i got a potty seat and she never let me put my kid on it saying that kid is too young and because of this my kid never sat in toilet till he turned 4 years. Another is that she used to feed my son only biscuits all the time even when I used to oppose. Also, once she fed my son ice cream when he was 1 year old and my child developed fever next day and she put blame on me saying I took him our for walk in the evening hence my child got fever. When I used silicon brush to brush my kids teeth she stopped me saying there's no need to brush before 1 month when i objected and continued doing it she blamed .e whenever my kid cried saying that his gums are hurting because you brushed his teeth. Many more such incidents where she puts blame on me and tries to prove me wrong She will almost daily try n tell me that my husband is blaming her for groceries getting over/ equipment not working etc which I know my husband does not (he is very kind hearted ) and she just keeps all this misunderstanding in her head. Many times I've clarified by talking to both of them together. Now, my husband is going out of town and again my mother will be coming. I'm fed-up of these fights n arguments but when in emergency i have to rely on her but she takes full advantage of the fact that I need her. I can't take this anymore and its affecting my mental health
Ans: Dear Leena,
I hear you!
But do allow me to give you a perspective. Relationships are never easy to maintain and manage as they involve emotions and layers through it all. Mothers can at times see their daughters as people who they need to groom for life. It's possible that your mother is doing the same thing. She has made it her sole responsibility to continue to groom you so that you earn a good name in your husband's household. This isn't me saying it, it's the way age-old beliefs could be seeping through your mother.
Now, it has become an interference and it must be conveyed to her. At first, it will hurt her and she might react to it by reminding you of all the sacrifices that she has made in order to raise you; but mind you, be steady in what you convey.
She will eventually understand that her daughter does not need to be monitored and taught to lead her life, but just needs a support system around her. Of course, there might be a withdrawal when she has to help you, but be firm on how you would like be treated from now on.
Polite yet firm is something that works well to avoid conflicts within relationships; so use that well.
Also, the differentiation between you and your brother might just be that she gives you tough love. Tough love is shown by a parent/authority figure to another in order to toughen the other person up and in severe cases it may result in submissiveness. In your case, it is likely that she has a certain belief on how boys and girls must be raised. It will change only when she changes her belief. For now, focus on creating a better environment at home by taking charge and being polite and firm with your mother.
And do know, at the end of the day, she is a mother....love sets everything right.
All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 30, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 30, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I have been married for one year. My mother in law has no respect in her talking towards me. She expects me to do all the household things and she doesn't want her daughter to do any kitchen works. Most of the time I feel like she made her son marry me just to do household things. I don't need any appreciation but I can't bear her disrespectful words. And her cunning character and lies. What can I do in such situations
Ans: Dealing with a challenging mother-in-law can be a delicate situation, but it's important to address these concerns to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse and in-lawsStart by discussing your feelings with your spouse. Share your concerns about your mother-in-law's behavior and how it's affecting you. Ensure that you both are on the same page before addressing the issue with her. When you decide to talk to your mother-in-law, pick a calm and private setting. Avoid confrontations in the heat of the moment, and try to have a rational conversation. Clearly and calmly communicate how her words and actions make you feel. Use "I" statements to express your emotions without blaming her Make it clear what behavior is unacceptable and establish boundaries. Politely but firmly communicate what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate in terms of comments and expectations. If direct communication doesn't yield positive results, consider involving a neutral third party, a trusted family member, to mediate the conversation. Strengthen your relationship with your spouse and build a support system with friends and other family members. Having a strong network can provide emotional support during challenging times. Remember, it may take time to see changes, and it's essential to approach the situation with patience and understanding. Every family dynamic is unique, and finding the right balance may require ongoing effort and communication.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

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