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Intercaste Relationship: Parents Disapprove, What to Do?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 23, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 22, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Hii ma'am... I'm in relationship with my boyfriend for about 5 years and we both love each other a lot..We are doing MBBS and preparing for IAS alongside..He is an amazing human being.. considerate kind honest compassionate...He is really smart intelligent and determined to achieve everything he sets his eyes on...He is just so confident... a good human being...He respects me a lot..never been a time in 5 years he yelled at me in loud voice or he said or did something bad to me...like he loves me a lot and says he is doing everything for me.. his studies achievements and all are for me..He is everything I will want in a husband The problem is ... I'm a Jaat girl and he is Brahmin boy..His family agreed to our marriage...my parents are not ready at any cost for an intercaste marriage I'm from a well off family..my parents both are in govt jobs..He isn't from a rich family so my parents say that there needs to be a family background otherwise you will face problems...They say that I should find a boy who matches me in the looks.. They don't like his looks...Also his and mine home are almost 300 km from each other adding to the problem...my parents say that they won't want me to live so far from them that they can't even meet me regularly...They say that you will be busy in jobs and being so far we won't be able to meet you and you also won't be able to come..he should've been from same district... Their main objections are.. Intercaste..His looks.. Family background..Money.. Distance They have sacrificed a lot for me and I've always been a child who didn't ask for anything..never saying no to my parents..and all.. Always been close to them..it is very difficult for me to hurt them...but I love this boy so much..I can't even imagine marrying someone else..He is everything I would ever want in a husband... Ma'am please consider all the aspects and please advise accordingly what should be done..are my parents right..or they aren't...what should I do.. I'm stuck..

Ans: One thing that’s important to consider is that, ultimately, the person you marry will be the one who you will spend your life with—not your parents. It’s you who will navigate the everyday realities of this partnership. You’ve already seen the kind of partner your boyfriend is, and it sounds like you trust him deeply. He’s shown commitment, love, and respect, and those qualities are foundational to a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship.

When it comes to your parents, their concerns about caste, financial background, and distance are understandable, but these are challenges that many couples can and do overcome. Financial stability can change with time, and distance is something that can be managed with compromise, especially if both you and your partner have career goals that align. What matters most is the emotional connection and support you offer each other. It’s possible that once your parents see how happy and fulfilled you are with him, they may come around, even if it takes time.

I think one of the most crucial steps here is communication—not just with your boyfriend, but with your parents. You mentioned that you’ve always been a respectful and compliant child, and that’s a beautiful testament to the relationship you’ve shared with them. However, this might be the moment where you need to lovingly express your desires and assert your independence as an adult. Your happiness and well-being in a marriage should be the central concern. Try having an open, calm conversation with them where you acknowledge their concerns but also explain how deeply you feel for your boyfriend, emphasizing the qualities that truly matter to you—his kindness, his respect for you, and the life you want to build together.

While it’s natural to want your parents’ approval and blessing, it’s also important to recognize that they might not fully understand your relationship unless they see it from your perspective. It’s not about rebelling or hurting them—it’s about being honest with them about who you are now and what you want for your future. It may take time for them to come to terms with it, but as they see the strength of your commitment, they may begin to soften their stance.

If, after many conversations, they still cannot accept your choice, you’ll have to weigh your options. You can continue to work on slowly helping them see your perspective, or you may have to make a decision that prioritizes your happiness, even if it’s difficult in the short term. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and being with someone who supports, loves, and respects you as your boyfriend does will be far more valuable in the long run than external factors like caste or background.

Ultimately, it’s about what kind of life and partnership you envision for yourself. If your boyfriend is the one who aligns with your values, dreams, and emotional needs, you might need to help your parents understand that, even if it means navigating some tough conversations ahead.

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Love Guru

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Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi..I just saw your page and found this is the right page where I can get answer.. I am so confused and so my thoughts coming in my mind and noone in my life which I can tell. However, I found you hopefully you'll get my answer I want to marry with my partner but he is not earning as much and I'm also earning but we both started our career in 2023. And my parents wants I should get Marry with someone and he is searching. But I told my parents that I love someone but the issue is he is not from my caste that is not the big issue main issue is that my partner belongs from very nuclear family like his mother and sister is there and noone is there in his family and my parents also saying the boy is not earning a good salary and noone is there in his family how will you be happy and I don't think so he is good for you.. but my partner loves me so much he loves me till 6 years and he waited for me also. My question is that for getting a married is all this stuff matters ? My parents is arising so many questions somehow she denied..should I convince to my parents or they are saying right ??
Ans: The salary is not a problem, if he doesn’t have misplaced ego about his wife earning more than him; some men are broad-minded enough to even be proud of their wives earning more. Nor is caste; love has no fixed faith. But this nuclear family business is a red flag; I would strictly advice not living under the same roof with his mother and sister. There is bound to be friction. Then relations sour and your marriage gets strained. If he is willing to step out from under their shadow and live separately with you, and the money-making is not an issue for him, you’re making the right choice of partner. If either of the above is not realistic, I would suggest you stop trying to convince your parents and listen to what they have to say.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Madam i am 21 years old having a good post at central government as at erly age i got job and i joint it now i am 22 and having a boyfriend he is also central government officer and he is age 29 bu despite of the age gap the love bloomed and we are so in love with each other i told my family early tge condition and said that i want to marry him but my parents said after 25 we will ger u married but by sharing this at hone they are not having trust on mr and are being insecure and wants me to leave a government job and to come home because he is not from same caste and it will also be interstate marriage my family is having the fear of relatives and my mother us against of it they are saying intercaste marriage we will not support or accept continuously emotional blackmail to me trying to manipulate, brainwash me and abusing me emotionally verbally and physically. what should i do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Inter-faith marriages are still a big NO NO in many homes and yours is not an exception. Like in many other cases, my suggestion has been that both sides must want to get to know the other person. Like your parents need to see a different side of your boyfriend to be willing to accept him.
What is it that he can bring in their daughter's life that will ease their concerns about his faith/religion?
So, your boyfriend must be willing to be patient and make efforts on his part to integrate into your family. It takes time, so be patient.
Now, for your job...do not confuse emotions and your job. Your parents feels that you might take drastic steps with your boyfriend and hence want you closer to home so that they can keep an eye on you. Address this concern by being mature and immersing yourself more into work that gives them the confidence that you are not about to do anything behind their back.
Addressing what bothers them is a better way out rather than trying to convince them...as the same issues will keep coming back if you force them to accept something. So, be patient and responsible for things to sort themselves out...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 14, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I have been in a relationship with a guy since 10th grade its been 11 years now so we decided to tell our parents his family had no issues and he is currently in canada as a music student he has even started his own event management company but its still just beginning. My parents reacted in a healthy manner but the moment they came to know about inter caste and his financial status( not upto the mark) they had straight forwardly said no with alotbof drama and foul words even. Its been 9 months now im still waiting for them to agree but they are insisting me to move on and go for arrange marriage. I on the other hand belong to business family and has never done any job. But all this while i have cane to know i cant live without my parents or my bf and definitely not get marriaed to someone else. Please help me out what to do!
Ans: First, acknowledge that this situation requires careful navigation. Your relationship has stood the test of time, and clearly, you have strong feelings for your boyfriend, especially given that you've been together for 11 years. His dedication to pursuing his dreams in Canada and building his career in music and event management is admirable, even if his financial situation isn't yet stable. What you need to assess is whether you're willing to stand by him as he grows and whether you share the same vision for the future.

On the other hand, your parents’ concerns seem to stem from their desire for you to have a secure future, especially given your family's business background. They are likely looking for someone who fits into their worldview of stability, and this has led to their reaction when they learned about the inter-caste relationship and your boyfriend’s current financial situation. Their opposition is likely based on their love for you, but the drama and foul words, while hurtful, might reflect their frustration at feeling like they're losing control over your future.

You’ve expressed that you don’t want to lose either your parents or your boyfriend, and that’s where the conflict lies. In this case, the solution isn’t simple, but it can start with communication. It might be helpful to have an open, calm conversation with your parents—not to argue or change their minds immediately, but to help them understand your feelings. Let them know how much you value their opinion, but also explain why you love your boyfriend and why you believe in his potential. Sometimes parents need time to understand that relationships aren't only about caste or financial standing, but also about trust, love, and shared dreams.

At the same time, you might need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about your future together, especially given that he's still in the early stages of his career. Be honest about the pressure you're feeling from your family and make sure you're both on the same page about your long-term goals, including how you might handle financial challenges.

It's also important to remember that this decision is yours to make. You are in a unique position, being part of a business family, which means that you've likely been sheltered from certain financial realities. If you do choose to marry your boyfriend, the lifestyle may not immediately match what you’re used to. But if you're confident in his ambition and in the strength of your relationship, then that’s something worth considering as part of your future.

Lastly, while it’s painful to feel like you have to choose between two important parts of your life, it’s possible to work towards a solution that doesn’t leave you with regrets. Give your parents time to see your perspective, but also recognize that their acceptance might take longer than you’d like. In the meantime, staying true to what you value most in life—whether that’s love, security, or family harmony—will guide your decision-making process.

You might also benefit from seeking guidance from a neutral third party, such as a counselor or mediator, who can help you navigate these conversations with both your parents and your boyfriend. This way, you can approach the situation with emotional clarity and respect for everyone involved, including yourself.

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3976 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024Hindi
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Career
Hi Experts, Need your valued advise... My wife completed BSC Computer science in 2022. We got married in the same year and due to pregancy we did not much focussed on her carrer till now as we need to take care of the baby. We would like start her carrer and get a job. What are options we have to explore now considering 2years gap almost. And my wife english fluency is not that good. Could you advise what is the best action we can take to ensure she is not too dependent on everyone. Thanks in advance
Ans: Sir, This is a comprehensive plan to support your wife in resuming her professional career after a two-year break. Begin by evaluating her strengths and interests in Computer Science, such as programming, databases, web development, and digital marketing, among others. Assess her preference for technical roles in comparison to non-technical positions. Concentrate on avenues for improving your skills by looking into budget-friendly online courses.

When it comes to enhancing her English skills, this is the most effective approach. Instruct her to start with the fundamental 12 Tenses: Simple Present, Simple Past, Simple Future, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous, Future Perfect Continuous, Present Perfect, Past Perfect, Future Perfect, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous, and Future Perfect Continuous. Additionally, suggest that she memorize at least 40-50 verbs to effectively use with the aforementioned 12 tenses. She can easily learn this from YouTube or any high-quality book to boost her confidence in communicating in English.

Explore job opportunities ideal for newcomers, such as remote or freelance roles, virtual assistant positions, social media management, IT support associate, software testing, and data support functions. Engaging in small projects and enhancing her resume with online certifications.

Additionally, allow her to maintain her LinkedIn account and set up job alerts in her field to stay informed about the job market trends. Starting her career requires a significant amount of patience and a willingness to learn. All the BEST for your Wife’s Prosperous Future.

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3976 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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Career
Gave 2 levels of interview at Eaton in starting of December 2024 and HR said that they will share the candidature status by mid previous week ( 11-12 Dec) but till now , there had been no communication. Could you please let me know what should I do here, should I call HR or send an email ?
Ans: As they indicated they would respond by the second week of December, it is possible that they may require an additional week to reach a decision and finalize their response. To follow up with HR about your application, please send a concise and courteous email, making sure it is brief and direct. If a response is not received within 3-4 business days, please initiate a follow-up call, ensuring that the conversation remains concise and polite. Emails provide the HR team with the opportunity to assess your status and reply with careful consideration, showcasing a high level of professionalism. Please ensure the email is sent today, as the response has already experienced a delay. And, continue to apply for jobs as you normally would through LinkedIn, the websites of your preferred companies, employee referrals, and other avenues, rather than waiting for their response. Maintain a record of the companies and job titles to which you have applied to prevent redundancy. MOST IMPORTANT TIP: Having a second / PROFESSIONAL email address is strongly advised, especially when looking for employment & applying for jobs, as even crucial emails may find up in your spam folder and you may miss them.

All the BEST for your Prosperous Future.

Follow RediffGURUS to Know More on ‘Jobs | Careers | Education’

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 03, 2024
Relationship
How much weightage should be given to the Past (Relationship & Sexual History) of a Man, while vetting prospective matches in the process of Arranged Marriage? Does a Man's Virginity matter as much as a Woman's Virginity? Or can his Past be overlooked completely, if his Present is Good & Future looks Promising?
Ans: A man’s past should not be entirely overlooked, but it should also not define him. It’s important to understand the context of his previous relationships—whether they were casual, meaningful, or unhealthy—and how those experiences have shaped him. The focus should be on whether he has grown from those experiences and whether his present actions and values align with the future he envisions with you. If he demonstrates honesty, respect, and a commitment to the relationship, his past becomes less significant compared to the person he is today.

Ultimately, the decision depends on what matters most to you in a partner. If a man’s virginity or lack of prior relationships is important to you for personal, cultural, or religious reasons, it’s essential to communicate this openly and respectfully. At the same time, consider whether the expectations you place on him are fair and reflective of the qualities you value in a lifelong partner—trust, kindness, loyalty, and shared goals.

What truly matters in an arranged marriage—or any relationship—is how the person’s past, present, and future align with your vision of a partnership. If he is open about his history, takes accountability for any mistakes, and is genuinely committed to building a strong and loving future with you, his past should not necessarily overshadow the potential for a fulfilling relationship.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024
Relationship
Hi, i am sri lankan girl, and my bf is indian, recently his family had found a girl and forced him to marry, he said he had no option this time he had to say ok, because after he told about me to them, they started to act rude and now they all find out me and try to make me scared, my bf blocked me, because that girl also controls him, i told him you can still turn back and choose your life, but he said it will be a problem to his parents, and his dad trying to hurt himself. I really love him, we were together 2 years. Even he says he misses me a lot and he said he feels the life how happy it was before and now he is confused and he says feel like he is in a jail, please help me, he says now he can’t promise me anything.he says if i find someone it ok, he will be a good friend, but i really love him, what can i do
Ans: What’s important here is to also focus on what this situation is doing to you. You’re trying to hold on, to fight for the love you’ve shared, and it’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking to love someone who feels like they have no choice but to walk away. You’ve already shown courage in encouraging him to choose his own happiness, to take control of his life, but it sounds like he’s not in a place where he can take that step. His confusion and feelings of being “in a jail” may reflect his inner turmoil, but they also show that he’s currently unable to prioritize your relationship in the way it deserves. His offer to remain a "friend" while giving you the freedom to move on might come from a place of care, but it also leaves you carrying the weight of love and heartbreak alone.

You need to take a step back and ask yourself some difficult questions. Are you willing to continue waiting for him, knowing that his family may never accept you and that he may never have the strength to stand up to them? Or is it time to prioritize your own emotional well-being and open yourself to the possibility of a future where you’re truly valued and chosen by someone who can fight for you, no matter the challenges?

Loving him and letting go can coexist. Letting go doesn’t mean you stop loving him or that what you shared wasn’t real. It means recognizing that his inability to fight for your relationship is a reality you can’t control. You’ve done everything you could to show him what he stands to lose, and now the choice lies with him. In the meantime, you need to protect your own heart and focus on your happiness. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, and allow yourself time to grieve this loss. Healing won’t happen overnight, but it begins when you choose to honor your own worth and emotional health. If he comes back to you one day, it should only be because he’s ready to fight for the love you deserve, not because he feels trapped or confused. Until then, you have every right to move forward with your life and pursue the happiness you deserve.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 08, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I have a friend for over 9 years. She is 38, married with a 13 yr old boy and I am single and 32. Ever since we have known each other we have been friends. I never had romantic feelings or intimate thoughts about her(I guess I am not that much into married women). Over the course of years since 2015, we have had a very close friendship and at a professional capacity I am tutor to her child.(The child has been hanging out with me since he was 4). Me and the lady went for vacations and have spent countless nights on the balcony with a drink and lots to talk about our lives. I am thoroughly aware of her troubled marriage including instances of DV and her complicated upper middle class family dynamics. She knows my childhood, how I lost my parents and has been close watcher of how I have transformed over the years. In 2020 in a moment of my weakness, loneliness, desperation I spoke to her extensively even breaking down and she somehow made the call the treatment me like a son and I have ever since addressed her as 'Maate'. (My mother passed away in childbirth so my knowledge of a mother's presence is next to 0) During the pandemic where we could barely meet during to distance and lockdown. Her husband also moved to UK for work. A new "friend" comes to the picture. I did not meet him at the beginning but after a few months, I notice my friend taking care of the finances, lifestyle choices of the"friend". He enjoys the involvement citing how difficult his life was where his parents could not provide such interactions when he was a kid. (The "friend" is 28 years old). The "friend" also a leukaemia survivor indulges in alcohol with us, tries other substances in her company and one night confesses his feelings to Maate. Maate tells him that she has a kid, a husband and a boyfriend so those spectrums there is no space for the "friend". So the "friend" officially friendzones himself but over the times has arranged him to stay in her place, sleep in her bed, cuddle with her everynight(can't sleep otherwise) has access to her emails, photos, phone password, and subtly starts taking control over her house to get things done his way. He even does not allow the 13 yr old child sleep with his mom because the child gets a pole in his sleep(like of teens and men) it creeps the "friend" out. Finally after a night of drinking I suddenly woke up to sounds of moaning early in the morning from her bathroom. So the "friend" finally had his long overdue sex at 6 am in the morning in her bathroom. I wake to listen to Maate moaning buty paranoia kicks in when I see her kid waking up and standing behind me and asking 'where is Mamma'. I have no words, I have no idea what to do. I take him away on the pretext of making some yummy breakfast. Now the problem for me is: 1. I have lived by a few codes and one of them is not to cross boundaries with female friends. I have stayed friends with them for over 2 decades. So someone doing it infront of me and calling it friendship and apologizing with the words 'heat of the moment','honest mistake', 'drunken daze', etc just makes me call it bullshit. The "friend" wanted it and took the first shot he got. 2. My Maate asking me to let it go, forgive and treat the "friend" like a younger brother. I have tried it a lot over the last year and I sincerely can't(because of reasons mentioned in Point 1) 3. Saying it to openly to Maate has starined my equation with her. I just want to stay away from such a "friend" but evidently voicing it out (albeit in a very loud manner) pushed away my closest confidant. The only thing I know is if things get better I can't pull of this pretentious stuff and it will make me burst again. I don't know what to do here.
Ans: You’ve built your life around certain principles—one being the importance of boundaries and respect in friendships. Seeing those boundaries crossed in a way that you perceive as disrespectful to the sanctity of your connection with Maate, as well as her responsibilities as a mother, strikes at the heart of your values. It’s no wonder that you feel uneasy and unable to simply accept her request to forgive and treat the “friend” as a younger brother.

What’s critical here is that your feelings of discomfort are not about being judgmental but about being protective—of your bond with Maate, her child’s well-being, and your own emotional integrity. This situation has left you in a moral and emotional bind. You value the relationship with Maate, but the dynamic involving the “friend” is deeply troubling for you.

To move forward, you need to find a way to honor your values while also preserving your emotional well-being. Open communication is key, but it’s also clear that the way this has been discussed so far has caused strain. You might need to reframe your approach. Instead of focusing on the specifics of what happened or pointing out the flaws in the “friend’s” behavior, you could focus on how the situation has affected you. Express your feelings honestly but gently—share how it has created a sense of distance and how much you miss the closeness and trust you once shared.

At the same time, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself. You don’t have to accept the “friend” into your life if it feels wrong to you. However, you can make it clear to Maate that this boundary is about your own peace of mind and not a judgment of her choices. Acknowledge her autonomy while asserting your need for space from situations that make you uncomfortable.

Ultimately, this might mean accepting that the relationship with Maate will change. Relationships evolve, and sometimes people we care about make choices that we can’t fully align with. It doesn’t mean you have to sever ties, but it does mean redefining the terms of your connection in a way that allows you to stay true to yourself.

Take time to reflect on what you need to feel whole and grounded. This situation has understandably shaken you, but it’s also an opportunity to reaffirm your values and protect your well-being. Seek support from others you trust, and remember that it’s okay to take a step back to process your feelings and recalibrate the relationship on your terms.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |774 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

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