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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |272 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 05, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
J Question by J on Jul 04, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello madam, My name is Deepthi am 37 years old married woman with 8 months old infant .in 2011 may I got married to a good man it was arranged marriage. Upto now we are living our life's both sides parents are not supportive ,we are only taking care of child ,the thing is neighbour s (women)are asking y ur parents and inlaws are not supportive , emotionaly putting me down,I am isolated and taking care of child life is becoming challenging for me ,how to gain mental strength,dareness to raise kid ??? another thing is my husband is taking care of my kid and me both sides parents not accepting me without money ,I did not yet recovered fully , emotional ly, physically . neighbour women emotionally draining me creating panic that how u will raise kid alone .I want to distance both parents temporarily .madam how to move ahead in life my husband is always supportive

Ans: Hi Deepthi,

Navigating the challenges you're facing, from feeling isolated without support from both sides of the family to dealing with emotionally draining neighbors, is incredibly tough, especially as you care for your 8-month-old infant and work on your own recovery.
Firstly, recognize and embrace the support you have from your husband. He is a vital source of strength in your life. Open and honest communication with him about your feelings and struggles can fortify your partnership and help you both tackle these challenges together. Knowing that you have a supportive partner by your side can make a significant difference in how you cope with these pressures.

When it comes to your neighbors, setting boundaries is crucial. You don’t owe them explanations about why your parents and in-laws are not supportive. Politely but firmly let them know that you prefer not to discuss personal matters and that you are managing your situation in your own way. Protecting your emotional well-being from their intrusive questions is essential for maintaining your peace.

Focusing on your recovery is paramount. Taking care of an infant is incredibly demanding, and prioritizing your health is critical. Make sure you are getting enough rest, eating well, and finding small moments to recharge throughout the day. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s a hobby, quiet time with your baby, or connecting with supportive friends, can help in your emotional recovery.

To counteract the feelings of isolation, seek out social support. Look for mother-and-baby groups or community activities where you can meet other parents who might be experiencing similar situations. Building connections with others in similar stages of life can provide mutual support and reduce the sense of being alone in your journey.

Building mental resilience is another key step. Practices like mindfulness or meditation can help you stay grounded and manage stress more effectively. Journaling your thoughts and feelings can provide a therapeutic outlet, and engaging with inspiring books or podcasts can offer new perspectives and encouragement.

Regarding your parents and in-laws, it might be beneficial to distance yourself temporarily. Focus on creating a healthy and nurturing environment for yourself and your baby. If interactions with them are causing you stress, consider setting clear boundaries to protect your peace. Communicate your needs and expectations clearly, emphasizing that your primary concern is the well-being of your immediate family.

If the emotional strain becomes overwhelming, seeking professional help is a valuable option. A counselor or therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and offer strategies to cope with your challenges. Professional support can help you build emotional resilience and give you the tools to manage your situation more effectively.

It’s important to recognize and celebrate small wins in your daily life. Every day brings its own set of challenges, but also moments of success. Whether it’s a peaceful moment with your baby, a positive interaction with your husband, or simply making it through a tough day, acknowledging these victories can boost your morale and remind you of your strength and capability.

You are doing an incredible job under very challenging circumstances. Trust in your ability to raise your child and build a happy life. You are not alone; your husband’s support and your own inner strength are your greatest allies. Focus on what you can control, shield your mental well-being from external negativity, and believe in your capacity to overcome these hurdles. With time, patience, and self-compassion, you will find your way forward.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1021 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

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Dear Anu Mam, I may sound very silly but I have a very small issue which is bothering me a lot. This is my second marriage. My ex husband who is now no more used to physically abuse me so I had to separate from him, a few years later, he passed away. I remarried after 4 years and now have a 2 yr old daughter. I stay with my in laws. I am working and also manage the house. My husband doesn’t feel responsible towards the daughter in any way. He is always finding excuses to let her spend time with me. Ditto with my in laws who are also very old and cannot take care of a toddler. Since I am also working and managing the house, there are days I feel extremely tired and helpless. But none of them seem to notice that. We have a maid who helps around the house. I feel very lonely and guilty sometimes. If the lockdown is lifted, I don’t know how I will manage everything. I can’t afford to quit my job and be a full time homemaker. My in laws don’t want me to put the baby in daycare. They are indirectly suggesting that I quit the job or look for some profile where I can work out of home. I don’t want to bother my parents. But I feel very helpless and there is no one to give me an honest solution.
Ans: Dear VN, This is possibly the story of many women in India who live in a joint family system and are having to adhere to the family systems of that house.

Other than caging the women, it doesn’t do much…It’s like a forced choice, wherein she needs to give up the career, look after the home and the child and the baby.

Of course, your in-laws are simply being a product of the belief systems of their generation that obviously honed the skills of a woman as a homemaker.

Breaking that in their minds is definitely going to be a task, but not impossible.

Obviously your husband is falling into the same system and unwilling to support you in the manner that you want.

It is imperative that you broach this topic with your husband and request him to bridge the gap between you and your in-laws.

He also needs to be made aware that spending time with his daughter is not out of duty but is needed for a stable emotional growth.

Every home comes with its own set of rules and rituals that are governed by age-old belief systems. And a joint family system requires every member to contribute to the growth of the other; sadly at times, they work at cross-purposes to satisfy their ego and stress their authority.

Bring in a neutral person/relative from the outside to subtly show them that times are changing and so can they.

On your part, do not go on an emotional tirade and meld into the system as it’s your default home system and you must respect it for what it gives you; security and the company of many family members.

Work your way through it with love and understanding that everyone is different and to integrate these differences into your life may help you grow as well.

Subtle and beautiful balance as you satisfy your needs as well as theirs.

Best wishes to you!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1021 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 13, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 12, 2023Hindi
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I have second marriage and staying 9 years. Now my age is 50 years, and my wife age is 40. I have one child years of years 6. I am in a managerial Position in a company. My wife is a Housewife and her behavior's, misconduct, lack of ownership towards me as well as home is always upset and irritate me. My child was born by IFV method due to her irregular period. She has got many opportunities to recover this problem and treatment also got an early-stage life. Due to lack of her understanding and knowledge, lack of own effort, irresponsible and liar nature, did not overcome her problem and therefore, we cannot go for second baby. Now me and my son also suffer from 2nd baby, though I have sufficient resource to look two children. I need to monitor all the things of my son’s health, extracurricular activity, education etc. She also neglects my mother. I feel she is very quality less and very dirty woman and talking valueless, not concern with health of own as well as other family member. Therefore, I and my wife staying in same home, but from last 4 years I have been separated from my wife and living in separate room. Sometimes I think to separate from my wife, but it may affect relation with my son as well as his mental condition. I am trying to adopt a second child also. I found she is not concern with quality, health, and economy. Therefore, I need to do home marketing, finance, monitoring home, health etc. which has already affected at my career also. Please advise me what to do? I feel my future is very dark with my wife. No emotions, no love and intimacy in the relation. I do regular walking & jogging and gardening is also my hobby.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When you seem to have decided that your wife is not going to change, no matter what happens, you will not be able to see that change. Everything about her will be irritating and annoying.
Now you say that she could have done something to avoid IVF, but why are you not thankful that you have a child now.
Having another child as well has to be the choice of both parents. Does your wife want another baby? Just by having money to support the child is not enough. You also need to have the mental and physical ability and willingness to raise another child. Also, do you think it is wise to have another child with the current relationship challenges with your wife?
There seems to be some assumptions that you have made about your wife which could have happened due to misunderstandings and arguments over years. It is definitely from both sides. But since, you are writing in...I can only address your concerns...Obviously her lack of interest in the family also suggests that she also seems to have her challenges.
So, before anything else...first work on having a better marriage and this is a suggestion for both of you! You can eat the fruit from a tree without first planting the seed for the tree to grow.

Seek the help of a professional if you can so that both of you can first learn how to communicate with each other and then settles your differences and then you can start planning a brighter future. Continue with your exercise and always try to look for what's positive in your life. It helps to tide over challenges and have a better outlook towards life!

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1021 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 21, 2024Hindi
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |272 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 26, 2024

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Relationship
Hi I am 40 yrs with wife and kid of 7 yrs. My problem is family oriented. I have three sister, elder two sisters are well married and settled. My younger sister had an arrange marriage in 2004 and she had a divorce in 2011. With that marriage she has a boy child who is almost 18 now and too lazy, she as per her will did an intercaste love marriage in court in 2015 without informing anyone. I used to stay away in delhi and my parents and eldest sister(at her in laws place) in kolkata and d youngest married d guy 2 km from parents house. In 2017 i shifted back to kolkata as my wife was pregnant, so we took a decision dat now it would be better to stay in joint family as d kid will get grand parents and we will also serve my parents, but my youngest sister had a very bad habit of calling my mom every day almost 5-7 times and coming to parental house every alternate days which i rrsisted and i faced backlash from my parents and her too. Then suddenly things changed her husband became a very rowdy person and started beating her as she narrated and she came back to parental house with two kids one was from previous husband and one was from d court love marriage, now she stays in same flat where my parents stays. In 2017 aug my kid was born in 2019 she came back and den i again decided to leave house with my wife and kid as it was 2 bhk flat and all people flocked there as if ut was a zoo so i decided to leave with my family and we moved to ujjain and started living peacefully. Reason for leaving was my younger sis her eldest son and my dad has a very bad habit of shouting arguing nd fighting means domestic violence which i have seen in my childhood days even wen my dad used to do violence with my mom. Now i say her to take divorce and stay with parents or go back to her husbamd or where ever she wants. My dad is retired with a fixed income of around 20k per month. My sis and her son stays at home uses all facilities of home whereas when i shifted to ujjain i did all hardships and built my rented flat. Used to sleep on floor slowly we both husband wife worked hard and bought bed, kitchen utensils fridge and tv. Now my concern is she is not taking divorce and fully dependent on my father. She and her son both earn almost 35k together but their contribution towards house is big Zero towards ration is ZEro yes for basic dey dont pay anythng but like she pays for her small child school fees almost 3000 and whatever dey feel like eating extra den normal homely food she brings for her kids. As she is not taking divorce what can be main reason and future consequences to my kid and my life and my mom and dad have just become a free maid for her kids, my sis does all masti and roams freely till 9 pm without any concern for her kids as my mom is behind as maid to take care. Means my mom and dad have no saving cz of her and no personal life nor any social life cz dey have to take d youngest kid along with dem. My dad is 70 diabetic mom is 65 undergone bypass. Wen i say cz of yoi came back i have to leave dat house she says did i hold ur hand and say to go out. Where as i needed peace but i also need my parents as i want to take care of dem cz she treats dem like servants only. And my parentz dont understand dis dey hav soft cornor for her. She is like deemak but dey dont understand. Kindly guide me.
Ans: Your situation is complex, involving familial responsibilities and personal peace. To address it, start by understanding your sister's reasons for not seeking a divorce. Consider engaging a professional family counselor to mediate and provide support for everyone involved. Legally, explore the options available for ensuring she contributes financially to the household.

Your priority should be to protect your parents' well-being and your own family's stability. If your sister continues to burden your parents without contributing, it might be necessary to seek legal advice on how to manage this dependency. You may also need to discuss with your parents the importance of setting boundaries to ensure their health and financial security. Balancing compassion with firm boundaries is key to resolving these issues while maintaining family harmony.

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Dev

Dev Ashish  |48 Answers  |Ask -

MF Expert, Financial Planner - Answered on Jul 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 08, 2024Hindi
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I am 28 years old unmarried currently holding salary of 64000 & investing 2000 in less & 500 in small cap fund..How much more investment required to secure future and generate a corpus of 4cr till 2044
Ans: For a target of Rs 4 Crore in the next 20 years, you need to invest about Rs 30-38,000 monthly assuming average returns of 10-12% per annum and that you will be able to increase your monthly investments by at least 5% each year in line with income/salary growth.

So given that you are investing about Rs 2500 in mutual funds each month right now, you will have to significantly increase this monthly contribution amount if you want to reach your target corpus.

We don't have information about your risk appetite. But assuming that it is at least moderately aggressive, then, you can start investing in a combination of largecap index funds, flexicap/large&midcap funds, midcap funds, etc.

Thanks
Dev Ashish,
SEBI Registered Investment Advisor (Fee-Only RIA)
Founder, StableInvestor.com
Twitter (@Stableinvestor)

Note (Disclaimer) - As a SEBI RIA, I cannot comment on specific schemes/funds that are provided or asked for in the questions in the platform. The views expressed above should not be considered professional investment advice or advertisement or otherwise. No specific product/service recommendations have been made and the answers here are for general educational purposes only. The readers are requested to take into consideration all the risk factors including their financial condition, suitability to risk-return profile and the like and take professional investment advice before investing.

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Dev

Dev Ashish  |48 Answers  |Ask -

MF Expert, Financial Planner - Answered on Jul 08, 2024

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Hello Sir, My aim to generate 25L in next 5 years thru Mutual funds and have started 5 SIP of 3000 each in these fund , 1. 1. Axis Bluechip Fund (Direct Growth), 2. Nippon India Large Cap (Direct Growth), 3. HDFC Small Cap (Direct Growth), 4. Parag Parikh Flexi Cap (Direct Growth), 5. Canara Robecco ELSS tax saver (Direct Growth). Please advise whether this funds are enough to generate the required corpes or I need to invest more.
Ans: For a target of Rs 25 lakh in the next 5 years, you need to invest about Rs 25-31,000 monthly assuming average returns of 10-12% per annum.

Right now you are doing Rs 15,000 monthly across 5 funds (with 3K SIP). So unless the returns generated by your funds are a lot more than that, it will be difficult to reach the target amount.

So you should try and invest as close as possible to the calculated amount of Rs 25-31,000 monthly. And assuming a reasonable salary growth and controlled expenses, you should try to increase the monthly investments each year in line with your income growth.

Thanks
Dev Ashish,
SEBI Registered Investment Advisor (Fee-Only RIA)
Founder, StableInvestor.com
Twitter (@Stableinvestor)

Note (Disclaimer) - As a SEBI RIA, I cannot comment on specific schemes/funds that are provided or asked for in the questions in the platform. The views expressed above should not be considered professional investment advice or advertisement or otherwise. No specific product/service recommendations have been made and the answers here are for general educational purposes only. The readers are requested to take into consideration all the risk factors including their financial condition, suitability to risk-return profile and the like and take professional investment advice before investing.

...Read more

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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