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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |358 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 05, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
J Question by J on Jul 04, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello madam, My name is Deepthi am 37 years old married woman with 8 months old infant .in 2011 may I got married to a good man it was arranged marriage. Upto now we are living our life's both sides parents are not supportive ,we are only taking care of child ,the thing is neighbour s (women)are asking y ur parents and inlaws are not supportive , emotionaly putting me down,I am isolated and taking care of child life is becoming challenging for me ,how to gain mental strength,dareness to raise kid ??? another thing is my husband is taking care of my kid and me both sides parents not accepting me without money ,I did not yet recovered fully , emotional ly, physically . neighbour women emotionally draining me creating panic that how u will raise kid alone .I want to distance both parents temporarily .madam how to move ahead in life my husband is always supportive

Ans: Hi Deepthi,

Navigating the challenges you're facing, from feeling isolated without support from both sides of the family to dealing with emotionally draining neighbors, is incredibly tough, especially as you care for your 8-month-old infant and work on your own recovery.
Firstly, recognize and embrace the support you have from your husband. He is a vital source of strength in your life. Open and honest communication with him about your feelings and struggles can fortify your partnership and help you both tackle these challenges together. Knowing that you have a supportive partner by your side can make a significant difference in how you cope with these pressures.

When it comes to your neighbors, setting boundaries is crucial. You don’t owe them explanations about why your parents and in-laws are not supportive. Politely but firmly let them know that you prefer not to discuss personal matters and that you are managing your situation in your own way. Protecting your emotional well-being from their intrusive questions is essential for maintaining your peace.

Focusing on your recovery is paramount. Taking care of an infant is incredibly demanding, and prioritizing your health is critical. Make sure you are getting enough rest, eating well, and finding small moments to recharge throughout the day. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s a hobby, quiet time with your baby, or connecting with supportive friends, can help in your emotional recovery.

To counteract the feelings of isolation, seek out social support. Look for mother-and-baby groups or community activities where you can meet other parents who might be experiencing similar situations. Building connections with others in similar stages of life can provide mutual support and reduce the sense of being alone in your journey.

Building mental resilience is another key step. Practices like mindfulness or meditation can help you stay grounded and manage stress more effectively. Journaling your thoughts and feelings can provide a therapeutic outlet, and engaging with inspiring books or podcasts can offer new perspectives and encouragement.

Regarding your parents and in-laws, it might be beneficial to distance yourself temporarily. Focus on creating a healthy and nurturing environment for yourself and your baby. If interactions with them are causing you stress, consider setting clear boundaries to protect your peace. Communicate your needs and expectations clearly, emphasizing that your primary concern is the well-being of your immediate family.

If the emotional strain becomes overwhelming, seeking professional help is a valuable option. A counselor or therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and offer strategies to cope with your challenges. Professional support can help you build emotional resilience and give you the tools to manage your situation more effectively.

It’s important to recognize and celebrate small wins in your daily life. Every day brings its own set of challenges, but also moments of success. Whether it’s a peaceful moment with your baby, a positive interaction with your husband, or simply making it through a tough day, acknowledging these victories can boost your morale and remind you of your strength and capability.

You are doing an incredible job under very challenging circumstances. Trust in your ability to raise your child and build a happy life. You are not alone; your husband’s support and your own inner strength are your greatest allies. Focus on what you can control, shield your mental well-being from external negativity, and believe in your capacity to overcome these hurdles. With time, patience, and self-compassion, you will find your way forward.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 13, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 12, 2023Hindi
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I have second marriage and staying 9 years. Now my age is 50 years, and my wife age is 40. I have one child years of years 6. I am in a managerial Position in a company. My wife is a Housewife and her behavior's, misconduct, lack of ownership towards me as well as home is always upset and irritate me. My child was born by IFV method due to her irregular period. She has got many opportunities to recover this problem and treatment also got an early-stage life. Due to lack of her understanding and knowledge, lack of own effort, irresponsible and liar nature, did not overcome her problem and therefore, we cannot go for second baby. Now me and my son also suffer from 2nd baby, though I have sufficient resource to look two children. I need to monitor all the things of my son’s health, extracurricular activity, education etc. She also neglects my mother. I feel she is very quality less and very dirty woman and talking valueless, not concern with health of own as well as other family member. Therefore, I and my wife staying in same home, but from last 4 years I have been separated from my wife and living in separate room. Sometimes I think to separate from my wife, but it may affect relation with my son as well as his mental condition. I am trying to adopt a second child also. I found she is not concern with quality, health, and economy. Therefore, I need to do home marketing, finance, monitoring home, health etc. which has already affected at my career also. Please advise me what to do? I feel my future is very dark with my wife. No emotions, no love and intimacy in the relation. I do regular walking & jogging and gardening is also my hobby.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When you seem to have decided that your wife is not going to change, no matter what happens, you will not be able to see that change. Everything about her will be irritating and annoying.
Now you say that she could have done something to avoid IVF, but why are you not thankful that you have a child now.
Having another child as well has to be the choice of both parents. Does your wife want another baby? Just by having money to support the child is not enough. You also need to have the mental and physical ability and willingness to raise another child. Also, do you think it is wise to have another child with the current relationship challenges with your wife?
There seems to be some assumptions that you have made about your wife which could have happened due to misunderstandings and arguments over years. It is definitely from both sides. But since, you are writing in...I can only address your concerns...Obviously her lack of interest in the family also suggests that she also seems to have her challenges.
So, before anything else...first work on having a better marriage and this is a suggestion for both of you! You can eat the fruit from a tree without first planting the seed for the tree to grow.

Seek the help of a professional if you can so that both of you can first learn how to communicate with each other and then settles your differences and then you can start planning a brighter future. Continue with your exercise and always try to look for what's positive in your life. It helps to tide over challenges and have a better outlook towards life!

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 21, 2024Hindi
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |358 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 26, 2024

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Hi I am 40 yrs with wife and kid of 7 yrs. My problem is family oriented. I have three sister, elder two sisters are well married and settled. My younger sister had an arrange marriage in 2004 and she had a divorce in 2011. With that marriage she has a boy child who is almost 18 now and too lazy, she as per her will did an intercaste love marriage in court in 2015 without informing anyone. I used to stay away in delhi and my parents and eldest sister(at her in laws place) in kolkata and d youngest married d guy 2 km from parents house. In 2017 i shifted back to kolkata as my wife was pregnant, so we took a decision dat now it would be better to stay in joint family as d kid will get grand parents and we will also serve my parents, but my youngest sister had a very bad habit of calling my mom every day almost 5-7 times and coming to parental house every alternate days which i rrsisted and i faced backlash from my parents and her too. Then suddenly things changed her husband became a very rowdy person and started beating her as she narrated and she came back to parental house with two kids one was from previous husband and one was from d court love marriage, now she stays in same flat where my parents stays. In 2017 aug my kid was born in 2019 she came back and den i again decided to leave house with my wife and kid as it was 2 bhk flat and all people flocked there as if ut was a zoo so i decided to leave with my family and we moved to ujjain and started living peacefully. Reason for leaving was my younger sis her eldest son and my dad has a very bad habit of shouting arguing nd fighting means domestic violence which i have seen in my childhood days even wen my dad used to do violence with my mom. Now i say her to take divorce and stay with parents or go back to her husbamd or where ever she wants. My dad is retired with a fixed income of around 20k per month. My sis and her son stays at home uses all facilities of home whereas when i shifted to ujjain i did all hardships and built my rented flat. Used to sleep on floor slowly we both husband wife worked hard and bought bed, kitchen utensils fridge and tv. Now my concern is she is not taking divorce and fully dependent on my father. She and her son both earn almost 35k together but their contribution towards house is big Zero towards ration is ZEro yes for basic dey dont pay anythng but like she pays for her small child school fees almost 3000 and whatever dey feel like eating extra den normal homely food she brings for her kids. As she is not taking divorce what can be main reason and future consequences to my kid and my life and my mom and dad have just become a free maid for her kids, my sis does all masti and roams freely till 9 pm without any concern for her kids as my mom is behind as maid to take care. Means my mom and dad have no saving cz of her and no personal life nor any social life cz dey have to take d youngest kid along with dem. My dad is 70 diabetic mom is 65 undergone bypass. Wen i say cz of yoi came back i have to leave dat house she says did i hold ur hand and say to go out. Where as i needed peace but i also need my parents as i want to take care of dem cz she treats dem like servants only. And my parentz dont understand dis dey hav soft cornor for her. She is like deemak but dey dont understand. Kindly guide me.
Ans: Your situation is complex, involving familial responsibilities and personal peace. To address it, start by understanding your sister's reasons for not seeking a divorce. Consider engaging a professional family counselor to mediate and provide support for everyone involved. Legally, explore the options available for ensuring she contributes financially to the household.

Your priority should be to protect your parents' well-being and your own family's stability. If your sister continues to burden your parents without contributing, it might be necessary to seek legal advice on how to manage this dependency. You may also need to discuss with your parents the importance of setting boundaries to ensure their health and financial security. Balancing compassion with firm boundaries is key to resolving these issues while maintaining family harmony.

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hi sir, I am 34 year women with 2 girl kids. I m working in IT and I earn good amount of livelihood. Sir I hv been married for 6 years and after 1 year of marriage me and my husband understanding issue started where he wants to dominate on me in all senses including financial stuff. But I was okay n in 1 year my 1st daughter born then serious issue started I had rejoined job n discontinued giving all my salary to him. I started savings for my kid where he was nt happy he indirectly demanded my complete salary to be given to him as I did before issue start. Bt in 2020 as lockdown happened he moved to his village where It was very difficult for me to work bt demanded to come to his place. I denied and concentrate my career. So he left us 2 years he did call n check how is kid. Then again he came back 2022 with elders we moved to together to city and again asked money as my sal was increased if nt asked me to barrow 50-60lac as loan n give to him for property which he agreed to make it my name in his place. Bt I denied bc I couldn't trust him meanwhile 2nd daughter born. I came for mother place n he started doing backstabbing abt me n my family within relatives. When I asked he stopped coming visiting me n my daughter and he turn up for 2 baby also it's been year now. Sir my question is ..I m fed up of his behaviour n I dont trust him. As I hv two kids is it really difficult to live without him in this society. As many of my relatives are suggesting go and call ur him how can you live alone with 2 daughter. Sir pls guide me what should I do now ..I tolerate him all these years for kids and society. Now I m done n scared as will I be able to handle all alone. My parents are big support and now I m nt in condition where I go legally against him. Is my decision of living by myself with my daughters and parents is correct or wrong decision or I should go with him.
Ans: Your situation is indeed complex and emotionally taxing. It's important to approach this with both clarity and compassion for yourself and your daughters. Here are some steps and considerations to help you navigate this:

Self-Reflection and Clarity
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s essential to recognize your feelings of frustration, fear, and exhaustion. These emotions are valid and need to be addressed.
Define Your Priorities: What are your primary concerns? Your children’s well-being, your financial independence, your personal peace, and safety are likely at the top of this list.
Evaluating Your Relationship
Assess Trust and Respect: Trust and mutual respect are fundamental to any relationship. If these are missing, it is challenging to maintain a healthy partnership.
Past Behaviors as Indicators: Look at the past behavior of your husband. Consistent demands for money, lack of support, and absence during critical times can be telling signs of his priorities and commitment.
Support System
Lean on Your Parents: Having your parents’ support is a significant advantage. They can provide emotional, physical, and perhaps even financial support as you navigate this period.
Professional Help: Consider seeking counseling or support groups for single mothers. These resources can provide guidance, emotional support, and practical advice.
Societal Pressure
Redefine Norms: Society often has rigid expectations, but your well-being and that of your children come first. Living according to societal norms at the cost of your mental peace and safety is not sustainable.
Role Models: Look for examples of other women who have successfully managed similar situations. Their stories can offer inspiration and practical advice.
Legal and Financial Considerations
Know Your Rights: Even if you’re not in a position to take legal action now, it’s essential to be informed about your rights regarding child support and alimony.
Financial Independence: Continue to safeguard your financial independence. This will provide security and stability for you and your daughters.
Decision Making
Short-Term vs. Long-Term: Think about both immediate needs and long-term goals. What decision will bring peace and stability now, and what will be beneficial in the future?
Children’s Well-Being: Consider the environment your children will grow up in. A peaceful, loving environment, even if it’s without their father, might be more beneficial than a toxic, conflict-ridden one.
Practical Steps
Document Everything: Keep records of communications and financial transactions. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to pursue legal action in the future.
Plan for Independence: Create a plan for your independent living situation, including budgeting, childcare, and career progression.
Final Thoughts
Choosing to live independently with your daughters is a courageous and often necessary step for many women in similar situations. Trust in your strength and the support of your parents. It’s important to remember that living a life of peace and dignity, even if it means being a single parent, is a powerful and positive example for your children.

You are not alone in this journey. Seek the support you need, trust your instincts, and prioritize your and your children’s well-being above all.

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Latest Questions
Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 02, 2024Hindi
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Hi Madam. I am married from last one and half years now, there has been numerous fights in between small and big ones both. In between this time I have become a mother, and, my baby is 7 months old now. My husband does nothing, did nothing in past one and half years. He is only occupied with his work all the time, he goes to office everyday mostly. Right now my baby is 7 months old and from last 7 months me and my parents are taking care of the baby. And, he absolutely shows no understanding when it comes to looking after the baby. Am also a working person. Moreover I pay all the bills when it comes to getting household stuff, paying rent, all the expenses related to baby. He is so shameless that he just doesn’t care too, when I pick these topics or raise concerns about handling the baby he gets abusive. I am not sure what to do now! How insensible can a person get if no one sees my husband would never feel that person like him exist in this world. I feel like filing a divorce petition now. He was the one who wanted to have baby so soon. I was never ready. Now when I have the baby I am the only person along with my parents and sister looking after the baby.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband wants a family without responsibilities and that's why neither is he interested in the baby nor in paying the bills...This is not just insensitivity but lack of emotional immaturity and the unwillingness to take on responsibilities head on...Approach a senior male member within the family who is someone that has been a role model to others in terms executing family responsibilities and is also caring and affectionate. This person can appeal to your husband and talk some sense into him.

If there's no one that fits the bill, the only option is to go to a professional for Couples Therapy. There's a reason why your husband avoids his duties as a husband and father and that needs to be uncovered and sorted out. It will also help the two of bond and connect better. Make this attempt before jumping into divorce; separating is a whole different world that comes with its own set of challenges and with the baby now in the picture, work at the marriage and putting things together.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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