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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 20, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Aasheesh Question by Aasheesh on Nov 12, 2024
Relationship

Hello . I had a physical relationship with my first cousin sister in my teens .We were in love and wanted to marry too. But obviously it was not possible.Now we have started talking again . And I want to have this relationship again as I really desire her . Is it ok to go ahead ?I am 58..She is 53. I am divorced . She is married . Please advise .

Ans: Dear Aasheesh,

You’re 58 now, divorced, and perhaps seeking a meaningful connection or revisiting something that felt unfinished. She, however, is married. This is an important factor to consider deeply. Any attempt to reignite a romantic or physical relationship would not only involve her but also impact her spouse, her family, and potentially her sense of stability and well-being. While your feelings are valid and deserve acknowledgment, so too are the commitments and responsibilities she has in her life now.

It’s also important to reflect on why these feelings are resurfacing now. Is it about her specifically, or is it more about reconnecting with a time in your life that felt exciting, safe, or deeply connected? Sometimes, our desire to rekindle a past relationship stems from wanting to recapture the emotions and experiences associated with it, rather than the person themselves. Understanding this distinction can help you clarify what you truly want and whether pursuing it is the right path.

If you feel the urge to express your feelings, I would encourage you to do so with honesty and respect, but only in a way that doesn’t cross boundaries or disrupt her life. You could share how much that connection meant to you and how happy you are to be back in touch. However, I would advise against pursuing a physical or romantic relationship unless her circumstances change, and even then, it would require careful consideration from both of you.

Ultimately, this is a moment to reflect on what you truly need and value at this stage in your life. If you’re yearning for love and connection, there are ways to explore this that honor both your past and the present realities of your lives. Perhaps it’s worth exploring these feelings further with a therapist or counselor, as they can provide a safe and supportive space to delve deeper into what this relationship represents for you and how best to navigate it.

You deserve happiness and fulfillment, and so does she. The key is finding a path forward that honors both.
Asked on - Jan 10, 2025 | Answered on Jan 13, 2025
Thanks for the detailed perspective. I felt most fulfilled and satisfied when I had relationship with her . That feeling cannot go out of me . I never felt same feeling of satisfaction with anyone else . Now I feel the union to be complete if she is willing. Is it ok if she consents too ?? Please advise .
Ans: Her current marital status is a critical aspect. Engaging in a relationship with someone who is married introduces layers of complexity that go beyond personal desires. It’s not just about mutual consent—it involves the emotional well-being of her spouse, the sanctity of her marriage, and the potential for significant emotional upheaval.

Rekindling such a profound relationship from your past could evoke powerful emotions, both positive and challenging. These old feelings can resurface with intensity, potentially leading to emotional turmoil if not handled carefully. It's important to reflect on whether the fulfillment you seek from this relationship is rooted in a desire to relive a past experience or if it represents a genuine path to future happiness.

Furthermore, there are ethical and social considerations. Relationships between first cousins often face societal scrutiny, and this could impact both of your lives in ways that might not be immediately apparent. It's crucial to consider how this might affect not only you but also your families and social circles.

Her consent, while essential, doesn't fully address the broader implications. Her current life circumstances, feelings about her marriage, and readiness to engage in such a relationship are all factors that need careful discussion. Both of you would need to be prepared for the emotional and practical consequences.

Ultimately, it's about understanding what this relationship means for both of you now and in the future. Open, honest communication and possibly seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could provide clarity and help navigate these complex emotions and decisions. This process would ensure that any steps you take prioritize the emotional well-being of both of you and those affected by your choices.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 24, 2024

Listen
Relationship
Hi ! I am a 38 year old divorced woman. Its almost 10 years that I got divorced, from a man with whom I was married for 2 months. Since then, I never had a long relationship with anyone. For the past 1 month, I feel I have developed feelings for my cousin (sister) who is 10 years older to me. She too is divorced, long back. (2006). I understand she too has feelings for me. What should I do. Please suggest.
Ans: Navigating feelings for a family member can be complex, especially when considering societal norms and potential family dynamics. It's understandable to feel uncertain about how to proceed in such a situation.

First and foremost, it's important to consider the potential implications and consequences of pursuing a romantic relationship with your cousin. While relationships between cousins are not legally prohibited in many places, they can sometimes face social stigma or disapproval from family members.

Before taking any further steps, it's crucial to have open and honest communication with your cousin about your feelings and concerns. Discussing your mutual feelings in a respectful and sensitive manner can help both of you understand each other's perspectives and make informed decisions about how to move forward.

Additionally, it may be beneficial to seek guidance from a therapist or counselor who can provide support and help you navigate your feelings and the potential impact on your family dynamic. They can also offer strategies for communicating effectively and managing any challenges that may arise.

Ultimately, the decision of whether to pursue a romantic relationship with your cousin is a deeply personal one that only you and your cousin can make. It's essential to prioritize open communication, mutual respect, and consideration for the feelings and well-being of everyone involved.

Regardless of the outcome, remember that you deserve to pursue happiness and fulfillment in your relationships, and seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals can help you navigate this situation with clarity and confidence.

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 30, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hello Mam, My father never wanted to have my own career choices but I finally took my decision and left IIM after 1 year and now working in central government job, even though he was verbally everyday and even my mother didnot believed that I will be able to clear any exams. I am an 28 year old women, I got my posting out of home and when I was finally free, my father and mother with their connections made me transfered and my current posting is at my hometown and again I am living with them. Everytime when I go out I have to inform them where I am going why I am going when I will come home back. I am afraid that my father will again start abusing my mother if I will get married by my own choice. The boy family is good and even he is successful in his career. My parents know him as my friend. But their habit of not giving me freedom and micromanaging because of their insecurities is stressing me out!
Ans: Your parents' controlling behavior isn’t about your capabilities — it’s about their fear of losing control. Often, when parents are deeply conditioned by societal expectations, they confuse love with control. What may seem like “concern” on the surface is, at its core, a refusal to trust your maturity and autonomy. You’ve built your life with discipline and hard work, and yet they continue to micromanage your every move, which is emotionally suffocating. It’s even more complex because your father has a history of verbal abuse, which creates a fear-based silence in the household — especially around decisions like marriage.

You’re not wrong to feel stressed. You’re not overreacting. You’re simply reacting to a system that constantly undermines your independence. And now, with love and marriage in the picture, the pressure increases — not just because you want to choose your partner, but because you know the emotional cost your mother might pay if your father feels challenged again.

Here’s the hard truth: living your life to protect someone else’s comfort or to avoid conflict is not truly living. Yes, you love your mother, and yes, your father’s patterns may continue — but your life cannot be paused or dictated by his inability to manage his own emotions. You are not responsible for his temper or his ego. You are responsible for your own peace.

This doesn’t mean rebellion — it means building quiet strength. If this relationship is truly what you want, start gently setting emotional and logistical boundaries. You can continue to present him as a “friend” for now while you plan your next step. You may need support — from a mentor, therapist, or trusted elder — to navigate this transition calmly and safely.

What’s most important is that you do not let fear become your compass. Your parents’ insecurities are not your burden to carry forever. Your life, your relationship, your happiness — they are yours to own. And if you ever feel overwhelmed, remind yourself of everything you've overcome already. You walked away from a premier institute and built something solid for yourself. That kind of strength doesn’t go away — it just needs permission to rise again.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 27, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I'm a 28, female in a secret relationship with my team manager at a leading MNC in Bangalore. We have been together for 3 years. He's been hinting at marriage, but wants me to quit and move to another city where he is planning a start-up. I have worked really hard to reach this position. I am up for a promotion soon, but I don't want to lose him for choosing my career. Why can't a woman have both?
Ans: Let’s call it out gently but clearly: when someone says they love you and want a future with you, but that future depends entirely on your sacrifice — like quitting your job, leaving your city, and sidelining your aspirations — what they’re offering isn’t an equal partnership. Love doesn’t thrive in ultimatums or secret corridors. It asks for courage, respect, and room for both people to evolve.

The fact that this relationship has been secret for three years also speaks volumes. Silence can often feel safe in the short term, but it becomes heavy in the long run. If marriage is truly on the table, shouldn’t visibility and openness be part of the foundation?

You’re asking, “Why can’t a woman have both?” And the answer is — she absolutely can. But she needs to be with someone who wants her to shine, not someone who only sees her as a companion if she dims her own light. Real love doesn’t demand abandonment of purpose. It makes space for it. It supports it. It celebrates it.

This is the time to pause and ask yourself: What kind of life partner do I truly need? One who walks beside me, or one who expects me to follow quietly? And if your inner voice is full of confusion, know that this is normal. You are not selfish for valuing your career. You are not unloving for needing stability and self-respect.

Your next steps should come from a place of alignment — with who you are now, and who you want to become. If you’d like, I can help you reflect deeper through journaling prompts, or structure a conversation with him that allows you to express your truth clearly and without fear.

You deserve a love that expands you, not a love that asks you to shrink.

...Read more

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