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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |437 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 20, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Aasheesh Question by Aasheesh on Nov 12, 2024
Relationship

Hello . I had a physical relationship with my first cousin sister in my teens .We were in love and wanted to marry too. But obviously it was not possible.Now we have started talking again . And I want to have this relationship again as I really desire her . Is it ok to go ahead ?I am 58..She is 53. I am divorced . She is married . Please advise .

Ans: Dear Aasheesh,

You’re 58 now, divorced, and perhaps seeking a meaningful connection or revisiting something that felt unfinished. She, however, is married. This is an important factor to consider deeply. Any attempt to reignite a romantic or physical relationship would not only involve her but also impact her spouse, her family, and potentially her sense of stability and well-being. While your feelings are valid and deserve acknowledgment, so too are the commitments and responsibilities she has in her life now.

It’s also important to reflect on why these feelings are resurfacing now. Is it about her specifically, or is it more about reconnecting with a time in your life that felt exciting, safe, or deeply connected? Sometimes, our desire to rekindle a past relationship stems from wanting to recapture the emotions and experiences associated with it, rather than the person themselves. Understanding this distinction can help you clarify what you truly want and whether pursuing it is the right path.

If you feel the urge to express your feelings, I would encourage you to do so with honesty and respect, but only in a way that doesn’t cross boundaries or disrupt her life. You could share how much that connection meant to you and how happy you are to be back in touch. However, I would advise against pursuing a physical or romantic relationship unless her circumstances change, and even then, it would require careful consideration from both of you.

Ultimately, this is a moment to reflect on what you truly need and value at this stage in your life. If you’re yearning for love and connection, there are ways to explore this that honor both your past and the present realities of your lives. Perhaps it’s worth exploring these feelings further with a therapist or counselor, as they can provide a safe and supportive space to delve deeper into what this relationship represents for you and how best to navigate it.

You deserve happiness and fulfillment, and so does she. The key is finding a path forward that honors both.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |437 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 24, 2024

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Relationship
Hi ! I am a 38 year old divorced woman. Its almost 10 years that I got divorced, from a man with whom I was married for 2 months. Since then, I never had a long relationship with anyone. For the past 1 month, I feel I have developed feelings for my cousin (sister) who is 10 years older to me. She too is divorced, long back. (2006). I understand she too has feelings for me. What should I do. Please suggest.
Ans: Navigating feelings for a family member can be complex, especially when considering societal norms and potential family dynamics. It's understandable to feel uncertain about how to proceed in such a situation.

First and foremost, it's important to consider the potential implications and consequences of pursuing a romantic relationship with your cousin. While relationships between cousins are not legally prohibited in many places, they can sometimes face social stigma or disapproval from family members.

Before taking any further steps, it's crucial to have open and honest communication with your cousin about your feelings and concerns. Discussing your mutual feelings in a respectful and sensitive manner can help both of you understand each other's perspectives and make informed decisions about how to move forward.

Additionally, it may be beneficial to seek guidance from a therapist or counselor who can provide support and help you navigate your feelings and the potential impact on your family dynamic. They can also offer strategies for communicating effectively and managing any challenges that may arise.

Ultimately, the decision of whether to pursue a romantic relationship with your cousin is a deeply personal one that only you and your cousin can make. It's essential to prioritize open communication, mutual respect, and consideration for the feelings and well-being of everyone involved.

Regardless of the outcome, remember that you deserve to pursue happiness and fulfillment in your relationships, and seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals can help you navigate this situation with clarity and confidence.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Archana

Archana Deshpande  |93 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on Dec 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 11, 2024Hindi
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Career
I am 35, MBA from a reputed college. I recently took over as senior project manager in a software company. Over the last few months, I’ve been asked to lead more high-stakes presentations, but every time I step in front of a group of senior professionals, my nerves take over. I can’t seem to communicate my ideas clearly, and I end up rambling or losing the audience. It’s frustrating because I know the content is strong, but I can’t deliver it with the confidence it needs. I’m starting to feel like this could affect my career growth if I don’t improve. I want to know how to seem more confident and present my ideas with clarity.
Ans: Hi!!

I can understand what you are going through.
I have helped many a people to become better communicators, presenters and public speakers. I agree with you when you say .. that these skills will augur well for your career growth.
What I can say is this .. that it is a learnable skill. Practice and more practice is the only way ahead. You said your content is strong, that is 50% of the job done, so build up on this confidence and practice your delivery in front of the mirror or in front of encouraging family/friends.
The only way to gain confidence is to "JUST DO IT"....to calm your nerves- deep breathing techniques and visualizations techniques will be useful.
I can help you on this journey of being a person who delivers with panache!

There are books by Dale Carnegie on public speaking which can help you out. Also read about Abe Lincoln and his journey of becoming a great orator, it can maybe help you.

Remember, PRACTICE AND PRACTICE is the key to unlock your confidence and become the person who delvers with panache.

All the best!!

...Read more

Archana

Archana Deshpande  |93 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on Dec 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 13, 2024Hindi
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Career
Hello Ms Archana. I have been reading your advice and I really need your help. I am a science graduate from Mumbai. After a lot of thought, I have decided to pursue a side BSc in Psychology to further my interests and career growth. The issue is, that I’m struggling to juggle my 9-to-6 full-time job as a digital marketing specialist in Delhi along with my coursework, assignments, and exams. I am always stressed out, either falling behind at work or feeling overwhelmed by my studies. I know time management is key, but I’m not sure how to create a schedule that helps me stay productive without burning out. Can you please help?
Ans: Hey!!
Kudos to you for dreaming big and also working towards it by investing time and energy in learning and development.
Not everyone can do it... so pat yourself on the back for it!!

You are absolutely right when you say TIME MANAGEMANT is the key to avoid burnout. However I'll add compartmentalizing and self care along with time management.

Let's take them one at a time ...here I go-

1. You want to perform at your peak then self care is a must, 20 mins of physical activity(it can be anything, run, brisk walk, suryanamaskars, dancing along with fast paced music, anything that gets your heart beat up)
10 -20 mins of meditation, if you believe in the higher power make efforts to connect with it/him/her.
2. 9 to 6 be fully committed to the office, after that switch off, learn to say NO for anything that comes after this time. You can do only so much right? This was one part of compartmentalizing...
3. be fully present in whatever activity you are doing... this is ZEN, nothing more nothing less. This way you will be razor sharp in your focus and get jobs done faster. When you are studying don't think office and vice versa. This is switching off, this is compartmentalizing. This will take conscious efforts but is doable
4.your course is important to you, so schedule a study time and stick to it .The days you have an holiday too... try to relax a little, schedule a study time, finish your studies and go relax and unwind a little, you deserve it...don't cram too much in a day.
A relaxed mind will always perform better and focus better. I really can't tell you the importance of unwinding and mediation, you really have to do it to experience it and reap the benefits of it
5. Always encourage yourself, be your best cheer leader, don't beat yourself down, be kind to yourself too, your mind and body
need that from you. You are already doing so much.
6 .The only way to stop being overwhelmed is also to put out all your tasks of the day on paper and schedule it, prioritize it.... one task at a time, start taking action. And when the task is don't forget to strike the task out with a clean line over the task with a pen... this is a message your giving to your mind. ...'I got one task done, I am capable of getting another done'.. Ahaha... the joy of getting a job done!!
7. Get a good nights sleep, do "yog nidra' before sleeping
8. Always breathe deep whenever overwhelm creeps in and see how calm you become. A calm mind is key to getting more done.

And remember to write "your gratitude" out in the night before sleeping, you'll sleep peacefully and get up fresh.
Also do remember, all tasks can be done happily too... there is no need to drag yourself or be always overwhelmed!
You chose to work and study as well.... honour your choices joyously and go about life with a spring in your step...All best !!

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |465 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 12, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I (30F) had been in some Relationships at different stages of my Life, which Failed due to different Reasons and I am not Virgin. After getting exhausted emotionally, I quit Dating, 2 years ago & I decided to settle down for an Arranged Marriage, as a last resort. Since the last 2 years, I have met many Eligible Bachelors who seemed to show genuine interest in me, at the initial stage. But at some point of time, all of them asked me about my Virginity & Body Count. I had always been Honest with all of them. And almost all of them Rejected me for this one Reason. Some of them straightaway told me that they couldn't Trust any Woman who's not Virgin. Some of them gave some other Trivial Reason to Reject me, though, I could intuitively guess the Real Reason for Rejection. And some of them, just Ghosted me, immediately. I had been feeling very Bad about getting Rejected, it felt as if I was being Punished for my Honesty. Now I have begun to Question myself, whether I really need to tell my Prospective Partner about my Past? Why should my Past matter to my Future Partner? Do I owe, my Future Partner, any explanation for the way I have lived my Life until now? Is it really Fair to Judge me only on the basis of my Virginity, rather than my entire being as a whole? Does my entire worth depend only upon my Virginity? Why do Men raise Questions about my Past, in the first place, while I never asked any of them about their Past, as I don't care about my Partner's Past? Why are Men so Insecure about Sexually Active Women, is their Male Ego so Fragile that they can't accept a Woman's Past? Do they have the Right to Ask a Woman about her Sexual History, in the first place? Do they really need to know about my Past? Do I really have any Obligation to be Honest with them & disclose about my Past, before Marriage itself? My Family members are advising me that it's not Wrong to say a few White Lies, for the sake of Marriage? Would it be Wise, on my part to follow their Advice & Lie to Arranged Marriage prospects that I am Virgin? Or else, in what other ways can I Answer, Questions about my Virginity, Body Count & Sexual History, raised by future prospects, such that I don't get Rejected?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your frustration. You made some very valid points. You are absolutely right- no one has any business asking you about your virginity. And you are also correct that it does not define you at all. But the truth is, to some people, it matters more than it should. They are not entirely at fault alone; it is the whole society. Nevertheless, you are right. While it is your decision whether you want to lie or be honest, I would suggest telling the truth. Not for their sake; for yours. You should not have to live your married life always thinking "Would my past have mattered to him?" or wondering if things would have been different if you told him the truth. Moreover, being honest will set you free; maybe it comes with rejections, but at least you do not ever have to bear the weight of lies or feel guilty about deceiving someone. And most importantly, you won’t have to settle for someone who cares so much about such superficial things. Happy marriages cannot start with a lie.

We can't control what's important to whom, but we can respect them, even if we disagree. If you are not comfortable disclosing your body count or past, simply answer their question with yours- "Does that matter to you a lot?" If they say yes, you can reject him because your values don't align.

Hope this helps.

...Read more

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