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Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 28, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello, I am a 35 year old female, married and having two kids. Our was a love marriage n some 8 years dating and married since 10 years. some days back while I was roaming in my bedroom I heard my husband discussing Thailad trip with his boy gang and the other person happens to comment "y we need to explore good properties as we just going to fuck around". this has made me feel super insecure, I went through severe depression , increased BP and all and had fights with my husband too n he was like it is their fantasy not mine. my question is then y u going to fulfill their wishes. I had super hard time with myself. now the point is when ever they are on call my husband doesn't talk near me or I happen to pass during their talks I just hear they discussing to run away n making plans to go aboard and chill. Point to note - he did not travel after all fights as his father too was not well and my baby too is small so I had to beg him to drop his plan. now his this despo friends just calls him n discusses these things. Also his friend toh went alone to complete his shit fantasies and I did not let my husband go because of this I am a bad wife in their eyes too. i m not sure if I m over thinking or How can I handle this or trust he will not go beyond his limits after drinking

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You either trust someone or you don't...There is no grey area in this...it's black or white!

Has your husband done or said anything earlier for you to actually not trust him? If YES, then your fears are justified...
OR is this a one-off episode where you overheard his talking to his friends? What if you had no heard the conversation, would you then have felt okay if he went along on the trip?
Your husband is not a child and does not need a mother to tell him right from wrong. If he really wants to 'fool around', he can do that in the same city too. And whenever you prevent anyone from doing something, invariably the mind is stuck on the very same thing. Instead, it's wiser to state your concerns to him and what exactly bothers you. what you overheard and how it will bother you if he is part of something like this.

So, a good place to start will be to ask:
Do I have a reason to not trust my husband OR is it my insecurities that are causing me these thoughts?

If it is the first statement, then you possibly are right from your point of view and you can assert your concerns powerfully and express your dissent about the trip BUT if it's the second statement, then simply express, trust and believe.

Trust is what relationships are made up of...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

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Hi, I'm someone. Sorry for taking your time please read this and help me I really need someone to guide me in my life right now. Sorry for this long mail. I would be really glad if you take time and read this. I am 23 years old, a married girl. I got married to my husband on December 10 2021 last year. It was an arranged marriage. Our family met along with us in 2019 and fixed our marriage. At first I didn't wanted to marry because it was too early and I was just pursuing my bachelor's degree but my family didn't listen to me as I was the elder one so they wanted me to get married before they got old. I agreed and slowly started developing a fondness and liking towards my fiance and later fell in love with him. But after our marriage things started to feel a bit weird. He has too many female friends which I'm absolutely fine with. I'm not that conservative. They all were invited in our wedding and I met them. they seem nice people but one of his friends is bothering. Let’s call her Y. My husband keeps talking to her on calls and messages all the time and the conversations are absolutely boring like they don't have anything to talk but still they keep up the conversation. I used to think it's fine or maybe I'm being too possessive but when I got to know that he spent 12 lakh on her I was shocked. He also spends money on her on a daily basis. He books an Uber for her daily. Whenever she needs anything he will immediately say I will bring it for you. Y is also married her husband is fine with it because he also takes money from my husband. In fact her whole family takes money. They're financially not very strong so I understand this thing of helping someone. What I don't understand is why does my husband have to talk to her all the time? Even when I'm sitting right in front of him he would ignore me.Apart from Y, there is one more person he treats the same way, his ex. A few days after our marriage I checked his phone (I know it's wrong but my instinct let me do to so cause of his behaviour) and I found some messages from 2019 between my husband and his ex. The conversations clearly proved that they were in a relationship and broke up in 2019. When I asked him indirectly as I didn't want him to know that I checked his phone he said that the (ex) is his sister. He lied! And I found that they are still friends which I understand. I'm fine with that. But I cannot be fine with them talking on a daily basis and my husband fulfilling all her wishes just like the first girl Y. He even took a screenshot her picture (ex) and saved it when she uploaded it on her WhatsApp status a few days after our marriage. When I asked him why are you keeping her picture, he denied and said oh aise hi, I guess by mistake So I ignored that. But he calls and sends gifts to her. He even takes me along with him to buy presents for her so that I don't think that it's wrong. I always ask him why are you talking to your ex and Y all the time; you don't even spend time with me. Because of this there are lots of fights happening between us. He said he has work load and is frustrated with his life, dealing with depression, so to avoid those feelings he talks with his friends. I understood and allowed him to talk but he spends Rs 8,000-9,000 every month on them. He once said that he has to give them money so that they won't stop talking with him; that's how friendship works including Rs 5,000 flight ticket and taking loan worth Rs 12-13 lakh for them. I am a fool in love so I got easily manipulated and allowed him but not completely. I set a limit for him to not over spend more than Rs 5000 per month on them. My family and friends are constantly suggesting that I leave him as he doesn't care about my feelings that I have given him way too many chances. Whenever I try to confront him for meeting up with them or spending too much money on them he immediately starts caring for me the next day. Because of this I always get confused that maybe he loves me too and I'm just being a possessive wife. I told him I will divorce you if you keep treating me like this and keep talking to your girls day and night. He said I shouldn’t talk like that and doesn't want me to divorce him as he loves me and he wouldn't have chosen me in the first place if he liked them.Whenever I try to confront him about the girls, he says I think you have a boyfriend and you are cheating on me. Give me your phone I will check your phone. I heard call recordings of him and Y. He records the conversations he has with the girls. When I asked he said he does it so that those girls or anyone won't blame him in future that he said something wrong. Anyway, I heard my husband saying bad things about me to Y in one of those recordings after being frustrated with me as I fought with him because of them. I was really broken. He said I don't give him space which is not true and he wants to go alone to places like markets or KFC or wherever he wants but I'm not letting him do that. At the same time he asked Y if she wants to join him and meet up at a certain place. I don't understand him. If there isn't anything wrong then why is he talking with her day and night and not being bored and with me he rarely spends time and wants space. His parents are fed up with him they told me he has been like this always. They support me and want him to get away from those girls. They married me to him so that he would leave those girls and stop spending such big amounts of money on them. But he doesn't want to get away from them. He said that if by chance one day those girls stopped talking to him for some reason then he will definitely leave them. But they never stop. I don't understand why is he waiting for them to stop and why doesn't HE wants to stop. Depression? Maybe I don't know. I even told him let's meet up with a therapist but he refused and said he's fine and I'm being dramatic. He talks to them at work and at home.If he doesn't talk to them for a day he will get mad. I remember one time he was panicked and kept saying I want to talk to Y. It's not like they are blackmailing and stuff; they don't even want to talk with him. He is the one who keeps calling them; it's very weird. He is fighting with his family, fighting with me, just for them. He manipulates me a lot. He has lied to me several times about not meeting with Y. Please advice what I should do. My friends say I should divorce him as my mental health is deteriorating because of him. I love him a lot but he doesn't care. He says he loves me but I don't find honesty in those words as he keeps repeating the things that bother me and our relation.
Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

What exactly are you waiting for me to say? Haven’t you seen enough red flags in your marriage?

  • Your in-laws telling you that he has always been like this
  • Your husband playing the victim of Depression to gain your sympathy vote and then refusing to see a therapist
  • Spending money to earn the validation and attention of two women who are possibly using him
  • Spending valuable time away from you to indulge his feelings elsewhere
  • Complaining about you to a person outside of marriage
  • Invalidating your feelings arising from this situation and making you like the bad one for complaining

Do you want me to go on?

How much more do you want to give in?

If you truly want this marriage to work, he needs to turn himself into a new leaf, which means he needs to address his insecurities, his behavior and more.

Is he willing to go through all that?

Maybe have an honest sit-down talk with him and then decide keeping yourself at the centre of all this.

You matter and matter to yourself every moment, so DO SOMETHING about it.

You owe a lot of happiness to yourself, so get ahead NOW.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

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Dear mam, I am married for 14 yrs. Love marriage. I used to work earlier but quit because my husband was earning well and he said he will take care of me and my son. We used to be a happy couple but during the lockdown my mother-in-law and sister-in-law decided to move in with us. Slowly they started creating issues between my husband and me often badmouthing my behaviour or complaining about me. I was unaware about it until recently when we had a big fight. That’s when I realised that they have been planning to drive me out of the house and get him married to someone else whom they can manipulate. It’s been over a year now that my husband is not even talking to me properly. I went and stayed with my parents for some time but even they feel I am a burden and should adjust and accommodate instead of giving them reasons to fight. They don’t understand that all this is politics. Now my husband is talking to some girl whom I don’t like. That is causing more problems and fights between us. Anything I say is used against me now. Please help me mam. What to do?
Ans: Dear R, why did they start to create issues between you and your husband?

What led to this? It rarely happens that people go after people with no reason.

Did you have any reservations about them coming and staying over?

Did you express it in some form to them? (Ask these to yourself so that you know that any act on your part did not lead to this situation. Of course, nothing justifies their plotting to get their son married behind your back).

If the answer to this is NO, then it's time to confront your husband, get a mediator and put things on the table.

What does he want? What do you want?

Do you both want to continue in this marriage?

What are his responsibilities towards your son?

These need to be addressed without anymore delay. Being in a limbo state is not fun as it keeps you guessing and the uncertainty can cause a lot of stress.

Also, kindly sensitise your parents towards what you are going through, so that support you in this time of need.

Act NOW and whatever you decide, put yourself first and take care of you emotional state of mind.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 27, 2022

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Relationship
Dear Anu,I want a solution for my problem that is the result of my imagination (probably).My husband would travel along with his two office team mates in his car daily.One male and one female.The male member met with an accident and the lady continued going with my husband. I developed a fear and some sort of insecurity about the two of them. Things started becoming worse day by day. Regular fights, arguments have become a daily routine. I just wanted him to stop travelling with that Lady but he couldn't oblige to it saying it will hurt his image in office. I couldn't tolerate it and made a call (though caught by husband) to that lady. She understood my problem and stopped going with him.His other team mates started asking the reason for the same. He couldn't digest it and even beaten me. He also started consuming alcohol just to abuse me and shout at me.I convinced that lady to start travelling again with himThen somehow he accepted me.I do understand the things but still I feel he had cheated upon me. I feel lonely and helpless PS
Ans:

Dear PS,

This is an unfortunate turn of events for a situation that needed an open communication between the two of you.

Now, why you were insecure or why your husband didn’t want to see your perspective is anybody’s guess! But nothing justifies his beating you.

And as for his alcohol consumption, it his choice to weaken his senses even further and not wanting to face the situation at hand. And it makes no sense whatsoever when you say that after the lady started to travel with him, he accepted you.

Why does he need another person to step in to accept you? This all points more as a thing that your husband needs to work on.

Possibly he is dealing with more insecurity than you are and hence this behaviour from him. Of course, I cannot judge him without knowing his version of the story, but if you want to get past this, it’s time to have that open communication; involve a third person who will be neutral to mediate and bring in some much-needed perspectives into your relationship.

All the best and be strong!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |252 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 11, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I feel so sorry for my situation which I was put myself in , I first got arranged marriage and got divorced after six years as he has an affair with other women and he is rich but does not love me at all or no relationship between so my family thought of leaving this toxic relationship so we got mutual divorce . Then I had a guy who proposed me before my first marriage but could marry due to caste issue but still he is good freind to me but after divorce I thought I can marry him as he is my best freind instead of marrying unknown second time , when I got divorced my age is 32 this freind of mine has family burdens so he made to wait three years I waited by convening my parents and got married one and half year back now his sisters and mother are torturing me in every thing like they want their son to obey them and my hubby is not serious about our marriage he is not earning anything but I work I had private job , he is addicted to drinking and drinks a lot and depends on my money and my in laws always shout on me and fight with me saying you don’t care us visit us , you people living happily , and buying everything in house and you loved him now complaining about him , he not drinker before marriage because of you he got addicted and my sister in law see me as an insect and fights shouts on me in front of all they don’t call me text me or talk to me when I am there , they don’t treat as I am existed if I got to my in laws house as we stay separately , even they don’t respect my mom dad also ..... I don’t know what to do now . My hubby won’t respond if I say anything on them that I am hurt like that and he won’t earn at all and stiilll drinking also
Ans: Navigating through a divorce and then finding yourself in a marriage where you're facing similar struggles must feel incredibly disheartening. It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed by your husband's drinking, financial strain, and the harsh treatment from your in-laws. Feeling invisible and disrespected in your own home is a heavy burden to bear, and your feelings of frustration and sadness are completely valid.

It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can provide you with emotional guidance and help you explore your options. Having an honest conversation with your husband about your feelings and needs is also crucial, although it may be challenging.

Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and loved. Whether that involves working through these challenges with your husband or considering other options, it’s essential to prioritize your own happiness and mental health. You are not alone, and there are people who can support you through this difficult time.

..Read more

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