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Arranged marriage woes: Feeling drained by wife's manipulations

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 10, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

We had an Arranged Marriage, 6 Months ago with minimal period of Courtship before it. My Wife always wants to have her way with almost everything. Whenever there's any disagreement between us, she emotionally manipulates me & I give in. Sometimes, I get frustrated & argue with her. Whenever, I raise my voice at her, she gets upset. She doesn't talk to me, doesn't let me touch her, doesn't respond to any affectionate gestures like Hugs/Kisses & refuses to engage in any kind of Intimacy. Sometimes, she's in this Sulky Mood for days together & even weeks, if she wants to. For Patching up with her, I'd have to shell out a lot of Money. Her Heart melts only when I give her some Expensive Gifts or take her out & treat her lavishly, only then she would come around to make Love with me. I'd always give in to her demands as I want to lead a Peaceful Married Life with her.But now, she's got used to this Pampering & starts sulking quite often and this is draining me Mentally, Emotionally & Financially. I Love my Wife, Dearly & I'd do anything to see her Happy, but now I've begun to Doubt whether she too Loves me to the same extent or whether she's taking undue advantage of my Kind Nature. Please advise me, how to deal with her & sort out such issues, in the further course of our Married Life? I just want to lead a Happy Married Life along with my Wife & raise a Family in a Peaceful Home.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You seem to have married someone who refuses to leave her 'toddler' days behind.
She's stuck in a childish zone where she relents and gives in and patches up only when gifted something; reminds you of a toddler?
You have to break this loop that she has created perhaps without her knowledge. Healthy couples sort their differences by communicating, debating and coming to some sort of understanding. So, do not go down the path of whether she loves you or not but be aware that she is used to having her way through the loop.
It's going to start with you; the next time you face the same situation...what are you going to do differently that your wife does not act like a child? How are you going to bring it to a place where the two of you can discuss things rather than have her throw a childish tantrum like she is now?
Move in that direction from the pointers that I have given you and there's bound to be some change; but not overnight...it's going to take some time, so be patient!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 10, 2024 | Answered on Dec 11, 2024
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Thank you very much for Answering my Question, dear Anu Ma'am... Quoting from your Answer... "the next time you face the same situation...what are you going to do differently that your wife does not act like a child? How are you going to bring it to a place where the two of you can discuss things rather than have her throw a childish tantrum like she is now?" This is exactly where I need Help... and that's why I am seeking suggestions from an experienced professional yourself... What do I do, when she starts Sulking again? I always try to break the Ice, within days (or even weeks, in some extreme cases) even if I believe that it wasn't my fault, in the first place... and this 'Ice-, breaking' needs me to spend a lot of Money, Time & Effort on her... If I don't take the initiative to break the Ice, she would go on giving me the silent treatment for days, weeks & maybe even months... She can live with herself, without even Caring about my Existence, in the same House. I'm getting frustrated that she's not fulfilling my Emotional & Sexual needs, which are the bare minimum, I'm expecting from her. I've tried to Break the Ice, using Love, Affection & other Emotional means... but she doesn't respond until I pamper her expensively. Her cold behaviour is draining both my Patience & Purse. How else can I get her to come around & patch up with me, whenever she does it again? Please suggest me any other methods to deal with her, effectively.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The questions are for you to dig deeper. Experts often will not tell you what to do as in solutions will not be offered by them but they will guide you to move in that direction.
So use these questions to figure out what you can do now that you haven't done before. There are no prescribed methods to correct things. We are humans and not robots. Every step in the direction of a solution is a successful one...Patience is going to be a huge factor for you here; are you willing to be patient?

And oh, frustrations do not solve anything; they only make matters worse. You are talking of emotional and sexual needs...here I am asking you to focus on basic communication first. Put this in order before you jump to anything further. Foundation must be strong before you start constructing a building, right?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Hi Ravi, I am 40 yrs old and have been married to my lwife for 12 years. There has been many issues between us ranging from my family's behaviour towards her, my failures in meeting her expectations especially behavioural patterns/attention. Her complain towards me is that I didn't give her the kind of attention and affection which she deserved. I acknowledge that because I struggled very hard in my initial phase of career. In today's scenario she has totally lost interest in me and get attracted towards men who even shows some attention towards her. This is has happened a couple of times. Whenever I countered her for these incidents she tell that it was I who forced her to do all this. I am ready to commit my efforts to make our relationship better but she says she can't have those kind of feelings again for me. She is under constant stress and anxiety due to this and is affecting her health a lot. She is a good person by nature so I don't want to leave her but considering the toxicity of the relation and her deteriorating health due to this relation I suggested her to get separated but she says that she can't divorce because of family/other issues. I can see her struggle/pain in this forced relationship and wanted to help her but can't find out the way. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are in a tricky situation and appreciate that you are putting your partner's needs first. In this situation, there's really no one to blame. You could not give her the attention she deserved but there was always a genuine reason for it. It would have been the right choice to separate since she declared her disinterest in the marriage but even that doesn't seem like an option. There's only one thing left, to peacefully co-exist and continue to put in the effort you couldn't in all those years. Continue to live with mutual respect for the marriage, if not love. Put up some ground rules- things that you are comfortable with her doing and things you aren't; consider going for marriage counseling. Professional help can give you the structured support to bring your marriage back on track, slowly but considerably more than trying your own tricks.

One more thing, don't forget to take care of your mental health. If your wife does not want to seek counseling, you can always go for it. It helps us dig deep and gain clarity over what is important and what should not burden us.

Best Wishes.

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Love Guru

Love Guru   | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

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Hi, we are married for 19 years and have two kids.My wife is ill tempered, very rude and aggressive. Even if I tell her not to get angry and change her attitude, she argues by asking am I so bad? is it my fault always and never ever agrees that she is wrong. Counselling, Communicating and nothing will change her behaviour. Off Iate I understood that she is having an affair with my friend (which is safe because often he comes to our home and he is very close with all of us). If I ask her about this she will never ever accept, rather would retaliate by asking, have I gone insane? She will tear me apart by her aggressive behaviour. She is faking her love towards me and talks all sweet things whenever she requires me or my services as a husband. I am not interested in any counselling or any other such services. She will not budge or accept, thats guaranteed. Please, guide me and kindly dont bring kids angle in this, that will not help me. Shall I divorce (I am sure, it will be initial drama and later on it will not make any difference to her, she is independent and is a professional beautician. I am ready to gift her the plot which is in my name, she will be more than happy). what to do with this kind of aggressive and non accepting behaviour?
Ans: First of all, you have already decided that nothing will work without giving it a try. If marriage counselling didn’t work, people wouldn’t opt for it. But you’ve already said no. Second, you’re assuming an affair — till you have definitive proof, I wouldn’t go so far as to insist there is one. And third, you have already said in so many words that you want a divorce. So what exactly do you want to hear from me? It sounds to me like you’re as stubborn as your wife!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 11, 2024

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Relationship
Thank you very much for Answering my Question, dear Anu Ma'am... Quoting from your Answer... "the next time you face the same situation...what are you going to do differently that your wife does not act like a child? How are you going to bring it to a place where the two of you can discuss things rather than have her throw a childish tantrum like she is now?" This is exactly where I need Help... and that's why I am seeking suggestions from an experienced professional yourself... What do I do, when she starts Sulking again? I always try to break the Ice, within days (or even weeks, in some extreme cases) even if I believe that it wasn't my fault, in the first place... and this 'Ice-, breaking' needs me to spend a lot of Money, Time & Effort on her... If I don't take the initiative to break the Ice, she would go on giving me the silent treatment for days, weeks & maybe even months... She can live with herself, without even Caring about my Existence, in the same House. I'm getting frustrated that she's not fulfilling my Emotional & Sexual needs, which are the bare minimum, I'm expecting from her. I've tried to Break the Ice, using Love, Affection & other Emotional means... but she doesn't respond until I pamper her expensively. Her cold behaviour is draining both my Patience & Purse. How else can I get her to come around & patch up with me, whenever she does it again? Please suggest me any other methods to deal with her, effectively.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The questions are for you to dig deeper. Experts often will not tell you what to do as in solutions will not be offered by them but they will guide you to move in that direction.
So use these questions to figure out what you can do now that you haven't done before. There are no prescribed methods to correct things. We are humans and not robots. Every step in the direction of a solution is a successful one...Patience is going to be a huge factor for you here; are you willing to be patient?

And oh, frustrations do not solve anything; they only make matters worse. You are talking of emotional and sexual needs...here I am asking you to focus on basic communication first. Put this in order before you jump to anything further. Foundation must be strong before you start constructing a building, right?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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We had been Dating since our College days & had a Love Marriage almost 2 Decades ago. My Wife had always been the Dominant one in the Relationship, while I had always been Soft-spoken. She is also much more Capable than me, in terms of Academic as well as Professional Competence, and also very Ambitious. These are some of the Qualities which I always admired in her. Over the years of our Marriage, I had to Compromise on my own Professional Growth, in order to support her Professional Growth. She has a Transferable Job, so I have taken up a Work-from-Home Job which pays much lesser, but allows more flexibility in timings, just to support her Professional Growth, I had given up much better opportunities. I have been literally living like a Stay-at-Home Husband, doing almost all the Household chores & also taking care of both our Children. I have no complaints about any of this, I am doing all this, just because I Love my Wife. My Wife too Loves me a lot, but doesn't seem to Respect me. She feels ashamed to introduce me to her Colleagues in her Office Parties. She often puts me down, in the presence of her Friends & Relatives. She asks others (her Friends, Colleagues & Relatives) for advice, even in matters relating to our Personal Life & gives more importance to their Opinions, compared to mine & has taken several big Decisions, without my Consent/Agreement. She doesn't bother telling me anything about her whereabouts & her Finances. While at Home, she Orders me around like a Boss & talks to me in a Condescending manner. Seeing her attitude, even our Servant Maid, Driver, Watchman & our Teenaged Children also don't treat me with due Respect. Our Neighbours, laugh at me behind my back. I have been Tolerating all this since many Years only because I Love my Wife so much. Many times, I tried to convey my concerns to her but she used to invalidate my feelings, labelling them as my 'Insecurity' or 'Male Ego' even though I never had either of those. She seems to have more time for her Partying with her Colleagues & Friends, rather than having a Productive Discussion with me about my Feelings. Now I am feeling Saturated. I need to do something to Earn Respect from my Wife, Children & the Society as I have realised that my Wife is not up for anything like Couples Counseling & I wouldn't be able to discuss my Feelings with anyone else (almost everyone I know, Respects her more than me). Please give me some Suggestions as to what can I do to become more Respectable in the Eyes of my Wife, Children & our Social Circle?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's heart warming to know that you eased into a role that usually can be not a very 'manly' thing to do. But I guess somewhere your wife has begun to enjoy her dominant status; let me tell you...that part is not easy on a man...
You just adapted to it and slowly, it has begun to erode your self-esteem...
Assume the role that will bring back your self-worth; this will mean actually a career, bringing money home, taking care of your responsibilities as a husband and father. This will also mean a step back from what you are doing at home now...
Your wife may not want the extra chores that you had to drop off and there's bound to be some skirmishes; but better to take all this head on rather than skirt around the issue.
Slowly and steadily inch towards a space where the two of you are equal partners without anyone dominating the other.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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