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Arranged marriage woes: Feeling drained by wife's manipulations

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1406 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 10, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

We had an Arranged Marriage, 6 Months ago with minimal period of Courtship before it. My Wife always wants to have her way with almost everything. Whenever there's any disagreement between us, she emotionally manipulates me & I give in. Sometimes, I get frustrated & argue with her. Whenever, I raise my voice at her, she gets upset. She doesn't talk to me, doesn't let me touch her, doesn't respond to any affectionate gestures like Hugs/Kisses & refuses to engage in any kind of Intimacy. Sometimes, she's in this Sulky Mood for days together & even weeks, if she wants to. For Patching up with her, I'd have to shell out a lot of Money. Her Heart melts only when I give her some Expensive Gifts or take her out & treat her lavishly, only then she would come around to make Love with me. I'd always give in to her demands as I want to lead a Peaceful Married Life with her.But now, she's got used to this Pampering & starts sulking quite often and this is draining me Mentally, Emotionally & Financially. I Love my Wife, Dearly & I'd do anything to see her Happy, but now I've begun to Doubt whether she too Loves me to the same extent or whether she's taking undue advantage of my Kind Nature. Please advise me, how to deal with her & sort out such issues, in the further course of our Married Life? I just want to lead a Happy Married Life along with my Wife & raise a Family in a Peaceful Home.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You seem to have married someone who refuses to leave her 'toddler' days behind.
She's stuck in a childish zone where she relents and gives in and patches up only when gifted something; reminds you of a toddler?
You have to break this loop that she has created perhaps without her knowledge. Healthy couples sort their differences by communicating, debating and coming to some sort of understanding. So, do not go down the path of whether she loves you or not but be aware that she is used to having her way through the loop.
It's going to start with you; the next time you face the same situation...what are you going to do differently that your wife does not act like a child? How are you going to bring it to a place where the two of you can discuss things rather than have her throw a childish tantrum like she is now?
Move in that direction from the pointers that I have given you and there's bound to be some change; but not overnight...it's going to take some time, so be patient!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 10, 2024 | Answered on Dec 11, 2024
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Thank you very much for Answering my Question, dear Anu Ma'am... Quoting from your Answer... "the next time you face the same situation...what are you going to do differently that your wife does not act like a child? How are you going to bring it to a place where the two of you can discuss things rather than have her throw a childish tantrum like she is now?" This is exactly where I need Help... and that's why I am seeking suggestions from an experienced professional yourself... What do I do, when she starts Sulking again? I always try to break the Ice, within days (or even weeks, in some extreme cases) even if I believe that it wasn't my fault, in the first place... and this 'Ice-, breaking' needs me to spend a lot of Money, Time & Effort on her... If I don't take the initiative to break the Ice, she would go on giving me the silent treatment for days, weeks & maybe even months... She can live with herself, without even Caring about my Existence, in the same House. I'm getting frustrated that she's not fulfilling my Emotional & Sexual needs, which are the bare minimum, I'm expecting from her. I've tried to Break the Ice, using Love, Affection & other Emotional means... but she doesn't respond until I pamper her expensively. Her cold behaviour is draining both my Patience & Purse. How else can I get her to come around & patch up with me, whenever she does it again? Please suggest me any other methods to deal with her, effectively.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The questions are for you to dig deeper. Experts often will not tell you what to do as in solutions will not be offered by them but they will guide you to move in that direction.
So use these questions to figure out what you can do now that you haven't done before. There are no prescribed methods to correct things. We are humans and not robots. Every step in the direction of a solution is a successful one...Patience is going to be a huge factor for you here; are you willing to be patient?

And oh, frustrations do not solve anything; they only make matters worse. You are talking of emotional and sexual needs...here I am asking you to focus on basic communication first. Put this in order before you jump to anything further. Foundation must be strong before you start constructing a building, right?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1406 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 20, 2022

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Hi Anu, I want to be anonymous on this.I'm 34years old and married 4.5months ago. It was an arranged marriage, we are from different caste. I'm a partial handicap person; I have issues with my leg. I am having issues with my wife's behaviour and I am looking for some consultation. During the initial conversations before marriage, she agreed on everything -- cooking, keeping me at bay on all works. I even informed, I don't like people who get angry and instead I like to discuss the issue and get it sorted out.But after marriage everything changed. From Day 1, she got angry on very little things like not giving hug/not drinking milk, using the phone while eating, laughing with colleagues while working or even if I cooked without informing. Getting angry is fine but she locks herself in a room for 5-10 hours and won't even respond to me. That irritates me the most. If by chance the door is open and when I enter, she won't see me and just go away like I'm some sort of stranger. I explained a lot but conveying this is wrong and it hurts me a lot, but still she does the same. I cried like a baby when I held her for not allowing her to leave the room.This has become a habit. In 4.5 months this happened for 2-3 months. My parents came home recently. Even during that time when we went out she got angry on a few things. I am not sure what it was about. When I am with family, I should respond to their needs but can't stay with her completely right? Why she can't understand it?I have to plead with her 1-2 hours to talk to me on the issue and then she tells me 'I did this/that and due to this, she got angry like the one I gave example above.She doesn't wake up till 8:30 or 9am. She won't cook or help me with household activities. And even when my mom came to teach her cooking, she didn't go. But in general, she says I want to learn cooking and especially learn what my husband likes.How much I can do? I'm getting frustrated with this behaviour and even informed her 'You're making me afraid to talk to you thinking what might get you angry.' Still no use. Please help me.
Ans:

Dear SD,

I have heard your side of the story but haven’t heard your wife on the same issue.

It seems the way you have described that your wife’s behaviour is unreasonable and selfish.

But I do believe that it takes two to tango.

What ever made her turn around differently from what she agreed upon before marriage?

Was she forced into this marriage?

Maybe it’s time to ask her:

What can I do for you?

What about me or my behaviour annoys you?

These questions shift from blame game to a solution space where you also take on the onus along with her to make the marriage work.

Obviously, something isn’t going on right and instead of bringing more instances that will prove that she’s at fault, why not bring in a space where the two of you work on your marriage.

Most times, just a shift in this thinking saves marriages and relationships.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1406 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 06, 2024

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Relationship
Hi Madam, I am married (arrange marriage) for 10 years with a son of 8 years, I am middle class person and giving Home loan EMI also, because of which no money is saved. My problem is that my wife always demands money and fights for it. She is all aware of my income and expenditures of every month (I have prepared a list and shares with her). I have no habits of alcohol or smoking, but she always fights with me that I spends money on my bad habits and on friends. She always say that you don't take me outside , don't spend on me and blah blah...(I do take her to movies and wherever she wants to go with me or with her friends). She is very short tempered that I avoids talking to her but she finds a chance for fight. For her demands, I left my parental flat and mother and lived with her in a rented house for 5 years and now purchased an independent home also. But, I am fed up of her demands and fights. She even fights when our son is around and even comes near my body as if she wants to hurt me....(although we never had a physical fight). I am very afraid. For your information, she also works as a teacher in a private nursery school (pays half of our home loan EMI) and she is from village background. My father expired long back and mother is living with my younger brother. I even don't meet my close friends frequently (once or twice in a month) because of her fear, as when I meet them she fights on this issue also. I want peace in my life. Kindly help.
Ans: Dear Sunil,
This needs a bit more of finding out what exactly is going on? What is the root cause of anger and the blame game with your wife?
Whatever I suggest will just be a BAND-AID solution and things will flare up yet again. There is deep-seated anger and insecurities rising (from what I understand from you.
The only thing I can say is; spend time with her on an emotional level and maybe this will ease her emotional highs and lows. But, I do feel it is time to have an intervention where as a Couple you are given to tools to work on your relationship.
Do see an expert who specializes in marriage therapy/counseling. They will be able to guide you in a very structured fashion as to how to re-start and re-build your marriage.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7322 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

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Hi Mr. Ramalingam, Can I check New Asset class (Specialized Investment Fund SIF) for 10 lakhs investment for my kids education(Right now 4months old). Thank you for your response.
Ans: Investing Rs 10 lakhs for your child’s education is a thoughtful decision.

Your child is 4 months old, so you have a long investment horizon.

Currently, SIF is not yet launched or operational.

Equity Mutual Funds: A Reliable Option
Equity mutual funds are proven for long-term goals like education.

They offer inflation-beating growth over a 15-18 year period.

Start investing now to benefit from compounding.

Choose funds with a consistent track record.

Wait and Observe SIF Performance
SIF is a new asset class and lacks a performance track record.

It’s wise to wait for its launch and review its stability.

Assess the fund's returns, risk profile, and management quality.

Investing in an untested asset could increase risks unnecessarily.

Diversify Investments Over Time
Initially, focus on equity mutual funds for growth.

Later, as SIF stabilises and performs well, consider it.

Diversify across asset classes gradually based on market insights.

Final Insights
Begin with equity mutual funds for your child’s education fund.

Monitor SIF's launch and performance over the next few years.

Decide on SIF only after it demonstrates a solid track record.

Keep your investments aligned with your long-term goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |790 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

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I& my wife is 32. What would our ideally retirement corps. I assume 20Cr. Correct me if I'm wrong. My current saving & income are below - 1) Rs 2,40,000 take home per month combined. 2) We both have PPF for the last 7 years contributing 1.5L each year from starting and plans to continue till 60. 3) LIC will give us 2Cr when we hit 60. 4) NPS we contribute 1L per each year form 2022 combined plans continue till 60. 5) Mutual Fund of SIP Rs 10,000 each month for last 1 year combined plans continue till 60. 6) APY we will get 5000 per month at 60. 7) FDs of Rs 36Lakh 8) Gold of Rs 15Lakh bonds 9) Got Inherited Rs 1.6Cr in form of FDs 10) Have Medeclaim of 40Lakhs and have own house. 11) Monthly expenses is around 40,000. 12) Have 1 year old Kid. 13) Have PF of 8 lakhs and will grow till 60. Also taking Gratuity in account.
Ans: Hello;

Your current monthly income need of 2.4 L will grow up to 12.27 L after 28 years (At your retirement age of 60) considering 6% inflation.

Assuming your expenses at retirement will reduce so you may need 75% of this income to cover your expenses at that time therefore you may need a monthly income of 9.2 L.

To generate this income you may need a corpus of 27 Cr(Min.) at the age 60 that may generate post-tax monthly income of around 9.2 L.

Your investments will grow as follows,

1. PPF: 1.5 L per person per year for 35 years will grow into a corpus of around 4.32 Cr. (6.9% return assumed)

2. LIC: policy maturity proceeds will provide 2 Cr at age 60.

3. NPS: 1 L per person per year may grow into a sum of 2.5 Cr at 60.(8% return considered)

4. MF sip of 10 K may grow into a sum of 2.05 Cr at 60. (10% return considered)

5. FD of 36 L will grow into a sum of 2.1 Cr if held till 60. (6.5% return assumed)

6. Gold in form of bonds if reinvested into gold mutual funds and held till 60 may yield a corpus of around 1.1 Cr. (7% return assumed)

7. Inherited funds if held in FD till the age of 60 may yield a corpus of 9.9 Cr.
(6.5% return considered)

8. EPF is expected to grow into a sum of around 1.8 Cr at the age of 60.(7% return considered)

A summation of investment values at 60 indicates a sum of around 25.77 Cr thereby hinting at a gap of around 1.23 Cr.

You may begin another monthly sip of 7 K now which may grow into a sum of around 1.3 Cr by 60 age.(10% return assumed)

If the mediclaim policy is from employer, do buy a personal health care cover after 50-55 for your family for post retirement needs.

I presume you both have adequate term life insurance cover apart from LIC policy.

The financial goal for your kid's education and family expansion, if any, is not factored here. You may need to plan for it suitably.

Also it appears that your allocation to equity is quite low, may be due to limited risk appetite but you have time on your side and although short to medium term(5-7 yr) equity asset class may be impacted due to volatility but over a long-term(10 yr+) they have demonstrated good inflation adjusted returns so may be you may consider to increase allocation through hybrid funds suiting your risk appetite.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7322 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

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Meri family ki income 80 lakhs hai yearly aur 40 lakhs expense hai aur age meri 48 hai capital family ki 4 cr hai to unko kaise manage aur kaha invest kare
Ans: Current Financial Snapshot
Annual Income: Rs 80 lakhs
Annual Expenses: Rs 40 lakhs
Capital Available: Rs 4 crores
Age: 48 years
Your income and existing capital provide a strong foundation. With proper planning, you can secure your financial future and achieve your goals.

Key Financial Goals
Retirement Planning: Build a corpus to sustain your post-retirement lifestyle.
Wealth Growth: Invest capital for inflation-beating returns.
Risk Management: Ensure adequate insurance coverage for family security.
Tax Efficiency: Optimise investments to reduce tax liabilities.
Suggested Investment Allocation
1. Emergency Fund
Maintain 6-12 months of expenses (Rs 20-40 lakhs) in liquid funds or a high-interest savings account.
This ensures liquidity for any unforeseen circumstances.
2. Equity Mutual Funds
Allocate 50-60% of your capital (around Rs 2-2.4 crores) to equity mutual funds.
Use diversified funds like large-cap, flexi-cap, and mid-cap funds for growth.
Avoid index funds due to lack of flexibility and active management.
Invest monthly through systematic investment plans (SIPs) for disciplined investing.
3. Debt Investments
Invest 20-25% of your capital (Rs 80 lakhs-1 crore) in debt mutual funds or fixed-income instruments.
Choose funds with low risk to ensure stability and predictable returns.
These funds act as a safety net during market downturns.
4. Children’s Education or Marriage
Allocate funds for long-term goals like education or marriage.
Invest in balanced advantage funds or equity mutual funds for higher returns.
5. Retirement Planning
At 48, focus on building a retirement corpus.
Allocate 20% of your capital (Rs 80 lakhs) to retirement-specific investments.
Use a mix of equity and debt for growth and safety.
Risk Management
Life Insurance
Ensure you have a term insurance cover of at least Rs 2-3 crore.
This protects your family’s financial future in your absence.
Health Insurance
Take a family floater health insurance plan of Rs 25-30 lakh.
Include critical illness coverage to address rising healthcare costs.
Tax Efficiency
Maximise Section 80C benefits by investing in ELSS mutual funds or PPF.
Use NPS for additional tax deductions under Section 80CCD.
Invest in tax-efficient instruments to reduce liabilities.
Regular Monitoring
Review your investments every six months with a Certified Financial Planner.
Rebalance your portfolio to align with market trends and life changes.
Final Insights
You have a strong financial base with high income and significant capital.

With disciplined investing, risk management, and tax efficiency, you can grow your wealth and achieve your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7322 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 22, 2024Hindi
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Namaskar Sir, I am 30 years old and want to start SIP @10,000/-pm in Mid cap mutual fund for next 30 years for a target of Rs 20 Cr (18-20%/year). You are requested to guide me about risks may come in future in MF industry and risk regarding sustainability of the fund house for next 30 years.
Ans: Investing Rs. 10,000 monthly in a mid-cap mutual fund is a commendable strategy. It shows your commitment to achieving a robust corpus of Rs. 20 crore in 30 years. However, there are risks and considerations to address.

1. Potential Risks in the Mutual Fund Industry
Market Volatility
Mid-cap funds are more volatile than large-cap funds.

Short-term fluctuations can impact returns during market corrections.

Economic Slowdowns
Economic instability can adversely affect mid-cap stocks.

Such slowdowns could lower the growth trajectory of the fund.

Regulatory Changes
SEBI and government regulations may impact mutual fund operations.

For example, changes in taxation or investment limits can affect returns.

Inflation Risk
Inflation can erode purchasing power and real returns over 30 years.

This risk must be factored into your long-term goal.

2. Risks of Fund House Sustainability
Fund House Stability
A fund house with a poor track record may not survive for 30 years.

Choose an established and reputed fund house with strong governance.

Fund Manager Risk
Performance depends on fund manager decisions.

Manager changes may impact the strategy and consistency of the fund.

Operational Risks
Fund houses may face risks like technology failures or poor compliance.

Verify the operational strength and risk management policies of the fund house.

3. Realistic Return Expectations
Expecting 18-20% annualised returns over 30 years is optimistic.

Historical data shows mid-cap funds average around 12-15% returns.

Relying on higher returns can lead to unrealistic expectations.

4. Diversification for Stability
Do not rely solely on mid-cap funds for your goal.

Diversify with large-cap or flexi-cap funds to reduce volatility.

Balanced funds can provide a mix of growth and stability.

5. Importance of Periodic Review
Monitor your SIP performance regularly, at least once a year.

Assess fund performance against benchmarks and peers.

Make necessary adjustments to align with your goals.

6. Role of Active Fund Management
Actively managed funds can outperform benchmarks during volatile markets.

Fund managers actively track market changes and rebalance portfolios.

This approach offers an edge over passively managed index funds.

7. Tax Implications on Returns
Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Understanding tax implications helps plan withdrawals effectively.

8. 360-Degree Financial Planning
Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses.

This ensures financial stability during unforeseen situations.

Adequate Insurance
Secure yourself with adequate life and health insurance.

Avoid using ULIPs or investment-linked insurance for this purpose.

Retirement Planning
Parallelly invest in retirement-specific instruments for long-term security.

Diversify your portfolio to include stable growth options.

Education and Marriage
Plan separate investments for future education and marriage expenses.

Diversify investments to balance risk across different life goals.

Finally
Mid-cap funds are a promising option for wealth creation, but they come with risks. Diversify, review periodically, and adjust your strategy as needed. Consult a Certified Financial Planner to build a robust, long-term investment plan tailored to your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7322 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

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I am Pushpinder Singh I will be 24 years in January 2024 and I have almost 12.5 lacs in financial markets 6.71 lac and 5.8 lac in mutual funds I have sip of 22000 per months divided in multiple mutual funds from mostly nippon mid cap fund and some other funds divided in small caps us equities large cap and government bonds and psu debt fund and I will be increasing my Sip to 25000 or 27000 including nps and my father and parents are giving me money for SIPs and mutual fund currently I am in Canada looking for job and planning to come back to India in march 2025 because my permit will expire then. Could you tell me what to do I am really confused and frustrated could you help me please thank you
Ans: At 24, managing Rs 12.5 lakh in investments is impressive.

Your SIP of Rs 22,000 reflects disciplined investing.

Planning to increase your SIP shows future financial awareness.

You’ve diversified across equity, debt, and international funds.

Relying on family for investments now provides flexibility.

However, it’s vital to plan for financial independence.

Clarity on Long-Term Goals
Define your financial goals clearly for better direction.

Examples include building wealth, home purchase, or retirement corpus.

Returning to India in 2025 changes your financial planning needs.

Review Current Investment Strategy
1. Mutual Funds Portfolio
Your focus on mid-cap and small-cap funds is growth-oriented.

These funds are volatile but perform well long-term.

Balance them with large-cap funds for stability.

PSU debt funds are safe but offer limited growth.

International equity exposure adds diversification but check fund performance.

2. SIP Increment
Increasing your SIP to Rs 25,000-27,000 is wise.

Focus on equity funds for inflation-beating returns.

Monitor underperforming funds and replace them if needed.

NPS Contribution and Benefits
Including NPS in your portfolio provides retirement-specific savings.

NPS allows tax benefits under Section 80CCD.

Opt for higher equity exposure in NPS for better returns.

As you near retirement, rebalance towards safer investments.

Financial Independence in Canada
Job search in Canada should focus on income stability.

Allocate part-time earnings to emergency funds or SIPs.

Build a liquid emergency fund covering at least six months’ expenses.

This fund can support you during job transitions in Canada or India.

Financial Adjustments Upon Returning to India
1. Reassess Your Expenses
Post-2025, review living expenses in India.

Adjust investments based on changes in cost of living.

2. Optimise Tax Efficiency
NRI status changes tax rules for your investments.

Understand mutual fund taxation when switching residency.

Keep debt funds minimal as they have higher tax rates.

3. Health Insurance and Risk Management
Ensure adequate health insurance coverage upon return.

Consider personal health policies in addition to family coverage.

Addressing Emotional Stress
Feeling frustrated at 24 is natural during transitions.

Focus on achievable milestones rather than everything at once.

Talk to family about shared expectations for clarity.

Final Insights
Your disciplined start provides a strong financial foundation.

Balance high-growth funds with stability-oriented investments.

Build financial independence while relying on family support initially.

Maintain focus on long-term goals even during temporary setbacks.

Regularly monitor and realign investments to match your evolving life stages.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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