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Is Investing in an Insecure Man Worth It?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |358 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 17, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 17, 2024Hindi
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Is it even worth to invest in an insecure man. A man who keeps his worth very low. He gets easily affected by criticisms of other. However, he whole heartedly accepts even the harshest criticism by me. He is very sweet and loving. However, his insecurities will be a hindrance in future. I am not confident that he will take stand for our marriage. Should I leave him? Should i help him to remove his insecurities? However, i am scared that if I help way too much, he wont be self made and strong. What should I do?

Ans: First, consider the nature of your relationship and the extent to which his insecurities affect it. It's clear that he is sweet, loving, and receptive to your feedback, which are positive traits. However, his tendency to get easily affected by others' criticisms and his low self-worth could indeed pose challenges in the future, especially when it comes to standing up for your relationship.

Reflect on your willingness and capacity to support him through his insecurities. Helping him build confidence and resilience is a noble and loving act, but it's essential to recognize the balance between offering support and enabling dependency. Encouraging him to seek professional help, such as therapy or counseling, could be beneficial. A therapist can provide him with tools to manage his insecurities and build self-confidence independently.

It's also important to communicate your concerns openly with him. Share your feelings about the future and your need for a partner who can stand strong with you, especially in the face of potential opposition from your family. This conversation can be a turning point, giving him insight into the importance of addressing his insecurities not just for the relationship but for his personal growth as well.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave hinges on your assessment of the potential for growth and change within your relationship. If you believe he has the capacity and willingness to work on his insecurities and if you are prepared to support him through this journey, it might be worth investing in the relationship. However, if you find that his insecurities are deeply ingrained and unlikely to change, and if they are causing significant distress or doubts about the future, it might be wise to reconsider your options.

Remember, a healthy relationship involves mutual support, growth, and the ability to face challenges together. Ensure that you prioritize your well-being and future happiness while making this decision. If you do choose to part ways, it doesn't diminish the love and care you have shown; it simply means recognizing the need for a partnership that aligns better with your life goals and emotional needs.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |358 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 02, 2024Hindi
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Dear Anu, I am married for 28 yrs. Throughout my marriage, I have felt very insecure about money. I have always tried to be independent but my husband had discouraged it. So though I earned, it wasn't much. It was enough as my pocket money, or maybe a bit more. Then when I was 46yrs old, and my husband 60, he started saying that he could no longer earn and I had to support myself. At first I was shocked and devastated, but gradually i accepted and started working hard. He also started living separately and comes home for 2-3 days, every week. I have stopped needing him emotionally and financially. But he is very inconsistent with his finances, which brings back my earlier insecurity. Also he doesn't practice what he says. Suppose we plan something and I expect that to happen, but then I find he doesn't do it. I feel very cheated. For example, we decided to rent out our garage, and he said that I could pay the electricity bill of our house with that. But then , when we get a tenant, he takes away the money. This is just a small example. Many other , big things have happened . Because of this, I feel frustrated and very dissatisfied with the relationship. But outwardly, we are a happy family. I have a son of 27yrs also. I have tried talking to him about it, but he avoids it. Inspite of telling him time and again to find something to do he refuses it. His career was also very inconsistent, and a very long story. How do I deal with him? Should I leave? I don't want to. But I really don't know what to do.
Ans: I hear the deep frustration and sense of betrayal you're experiencing. Navigating a relationship where financial security and trust are consistently undermined is incredibly challenging, especially after 28 years of marriage. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to address them thoughtfully.

Firstly, it’s crucial to recognize and validate your own strength and resilience. Despite the obstacles, you've managed to become self-reliant and support yourself financially. This is a significant achievement and speaks to your capability and determination.

Your husband's inconsistent behavior and financial unreliability are understandably distressing. It seems that his actions have repeatedly undermined your sense of security and trust, which are foundational to any relationship. The pattern of him not following through on agreed plans, such as the example of renting out the garage, erodes trust and contributes to your frustration.

Given that he avoids discussions about these issues, it might be helpful to approach the conversation differently. Choose a calm, neutral time to express your feelings clearly and directly, focusing on how his actions impact you emotionally and financially. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel insecure and frustrated when our financial agreements are not honored,” to avoid making him feel defensive.

If he continues to avoid these conversations, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a marriage counselor. A professional can facilitate healthier communication and help both of you understand each other's perspectives better.

However, it’s also essential to evaluate your own needs and boundaries. Reflect on what you need to feel secure and fulfilled in the relationship. If these needs continue to be unmet despite your efforts to communicate and resolve the issues, you might need to consider more significant changes.

Leaving a long-term marriage is a profound decision and one that requires careful thought. You’ve mentioned that you don’t want to leave, and it’s important to explore all avenues before making such a decision. However, your well-being and happiness are paramount.

If your husband remains unwilling to change or address your concerns, you may need to create boundaries that protect your financial and emotional health. This could involve having separate finances or setting clear terms for financial decisions and responsibilities.

Ultimately, the goal is to ensure that you feel secure, respected, and valued in your relationship. It's a challenging path, but with clear communication, professional support, and self-reflection, you can navigate this difficult situation and find a resolution that honors your needs and well-being.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |331 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jul 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 17, 2024Hindi
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My boyfriend have insecurities which is affecting our relationship. He compare his family financial status with mine. He thinks that he dont deserves me. He thinks that my family wont accept him. So he is slowly pulling away so that I find someone better. However, he is making efforts too to improve his financial status. But this will take time. Meanwhile my family is searching for a groom. I have made efforts to make my boyfriend realise that his financial status wont be an issue for my family. And at end of the day my family will look at his nature. But he is not convinced. How should I help him to remove his insecurities? Should I wait for him to resolve it himself? I am scared that by the time he improve his financial status, I will be married off to someone else.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand your dilemma. Let's start with the positives- your boyfriend wants the best for you, he is trying to improve himself for you, and your family places more importance on people's nature rather than their finances. These are some great things you have going on in your life. Now, let's try to fix the issues- I am assuming that you have tried having an open discussion with your boyfriend and he is still not understanding your family dynamics. We can't blame him; very few people are as open-minded as your family. The best course of action here would be to arrange a meet-up with your family. If it comes from them that they do not mind his financial condition as long as he puts effort into improving it, he might believe it and might be relieved of his insecurities.

If you feel like you are running out of time between your boyfriend trying to be well-established and your family's search for a groom, it would be best to have a serious conversation about your relationship with your parents.

After all your efforts, if your partner still does not understand or believe that finances are not an issue, you should reconsider the relationship. As much as he is doing everything in your best interest, one insecure partner and the other forever trying to assure them never makes for a healthy relationship. Occasional insecurities are common and completely normal, but continuous ones are exhausting.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 02, 2024Hindi
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Hi Madam. I am married from last one and half years now, there has been numerous fights in between small and big ones both. In between this time I have become a mother, and, my baby is 7 months old now. My husband does nothing, did nothing in past one and half years. He is only occupied with his work all the time, he goes to office everyday mostly. Right now my baby is 7 months old and from last 7 months me and my parents are taking care of the baby. And, he absolutely shows no understanding when it comes to looking after the baby. Am also a working person. Moreover I pay all the bills when it comes to getting household stuff, paying rent, all the expenses related to baby. He is so shameless that he just doesn’t care too, when I pick these topics or raise concerns about handling the baby he gets abusive. I am not sure what to do now! How insensible can a person get if no one sees my husband would never feel that person like him exist in this world. I feel like filing a divorce petition now. He was the one who wanted to have baby so soon. I was never ready. Now when I have the baby I am the only person along with my parents and sister looking after the baby.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband wants a family without responsibilities and that's why neither is he interested in the baby nor in paying the bills...This is not just insensitivity but lack of emotional immaturity and the unwillingness to take on responsibilities head on...Approach a senior male member within the family who is someone that has been a role model to others in terms executing family responsibilities and is also caring and affectionate. This person can appeal to your husband and talk some sense into him.

If there's no one that fits the bill, the only option is to go to a professional for Couples Therapy. There's a reason why your husband avoids his duties as a husband and father and that needs to be uncovered and sorted out. It will also help the two of bond and connect better. Make this attempt before jumping into divorce; separating is a whole different world that comes with its own set of challenges and with the baby now in the picture, work at the marriage and putting things together.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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