My wife and I have been married for 15+ years and we have two young kids (5 and 10 yrs old).
We are from northern India and sort of settled in the USA.
The issue is that our communication has been very poor and since the birth of our first child about 10 years ago, the problem has become significantly worse.
During the initial years of a kid's life it is obviously understandable to have an infant sleep with parents in bed, but my wife decided to continue doing that years into the birth.
This continued till my first child was 5 or 6 years older. And then came along our second kid and the same thing repeated.
I was not in agreement with this way of having kids sleep in bed every night and I started sleeping separately and have been doing that for years.
I believe this in itself caused multiple cascading communication issues and our detachment from each other.
My wife does not take any time out for the two of us and instead spends almost all her time caring for herself or kids.
My wife is also very (extremely) possessive and insecure with kids and me developing any kind of meaningful bond.
I have to ask her permission for example to take kids out or else she uses sarcasm, demean etc., or other ways to intimidate me as if I am doing something wrong.
I need your help to understand if any of this kind of behavioUr can be considered 'normal'.
Can I say to myself - 'bad luck, but this happens in marriage and is not a good enough reason to consider separation and divorce'? Or the behaviour I am seeing is way out of the ordinary and cause for some action to save my mental health.
I feel lonely, depressed and deprived of emotional support, and really miss time with my kids as well as being a parent to them in ways I think is best for them.
Parenting style significant differences have further increased the rift between us, and since kids spend a vast majority of their time with mom, I see them develop personalities which I think is not best for them as they step out into the world and become independent.
I am really squeezed between many conflicting thoughts.
Should I work on leaving this marriage after years of trying to establish some minimum communication and mutual trust?
Should I stay for the sake of my kids, but if so what is the point, I am not able to parent them anyway in any meaningful way?
We have arguments and verbal fights a lot and that is the only communication we have left now and otherwise weeks and months go by without any calm and meaningful conversations.
I am very lost and hope for some advice that I can apply and clear my thoughts.
I will very much appreciate your help.
Ans: Dear VB, this is like kids becoming the third person in the marriage which is very common in a lot of couples.
Sex waning after having kids is something that many marriages go through, also the mother can be tired after caring for the home, work and the kids…sex is the last thing on her mind.
But, yes you do have a point when you mention that kids are still lurking in your bed which is not healthy for their development.
Just a thought, has your wife found this as a convenient option to avoid any intimacy with you?
If yes, what and why is she avoiding? These can be answered only when the two of you set aside your emotions aside and talk as civil adults.
If that isn’t a possibility, kindly take the help of a professional who will:
- Help your wife transition from mother to wife and ease her into both roles
- Bring to her notice that children need the love and care of both parents and that it is non-negotiable and a dampener for the kids to deny them the fathers’ support
- Guide both of you to bring spark back into your marriage
- Teach the family to discipline itself into conscious parenting that keeps the welfare of the children at the forefront
I would urge you to go down this path before thoughts of separation etc.
The kids can grow up in a loving environment; why not strive for that first?
Wishing you the best!
