Hi mam, I have very close friend of mine. He is a doctor and very cool by personality. He is married for the last 26 years but he is not in good terms with his wife ( who is also a Govt. officer) . Actually they are very different persons by nature. His wife always try to convenience him on certain religious faiths but he is a practical guy who believes in doing good with all humans in touch . She still always jeer him in very taunting ways about his belated parents' behavior with her. He has already calmed her by offering her apologies on their behalf. But still she continues again and again. My friend has tried many a time to convince her for new start of relationship but it goes for only 2-3 days and again the same drama starts. I as family friend has also tried to settle the things between both of them (with their permission) but all in vain. Both are 50+ and not now my friend is having blood pressure problems too, He now has started to avoid the situations at home and tries to remain out of home . But this is not the permanent solution of this problem. According to my observation it is really very difficult to convince her on any point. But still I want to help them. Please suggest any possible way-out.-Thanks.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When two adults consent to living together for the sake of the child despite what's happened, what's the point in playing EGO games? Will the child not be affected by his parents' drama now when he sees them spitting fire at each other or being passive aggressive? This might be really damaging to him.
Kindly advice your friend and his wife to go through this marriage in a somewhat harmonious fashion 'for the sake of the child' (since it's their decision).

There is nothing that will come out of this display of anger and power on the part of your friend. He is only trying to complain and get his hurt ego massaged and his wife will meekly be quiet knowing that she has caused this situation. How is this helping anyone?

So, if they want to live under one roof for the child's sake, let them do it as mature adults. There has to be a certain code of conduct while they live together as a family. And mind you, this is going to be more than just friendly banter. The boy is 13 and needs his parents more at the cusp of puberty and the parents here are looking out for themselves. If this continues, I would suggest that they think of separation at least till they allow the anger to simmer down. This will also allow the boy to breathe easy.

Go the whole hog; don't keep the foot in two places. It tears the family apart.

All the best to your friend and his family and thank you for caring about them! All the best to you too!

Ans: I understand how challenging and emotionally draining this situation is for your friend, and I want to approach this with the sensitivity it deserves. Let's explore the possible paths he can take, keeping in mind the impact on his emotional well-being, his children's future, and the dynamics of his marriage.

If your friend chooses to forgive his wife and continue living in the marriage despite the breach of trust, the primary advantage is the stability it might provide for their children. Growing up with both parents in the same household can create a sense of normalcy and security, which is especially important for young children. However, this decision would require him to accept a relationship where trust has been severely damaged, perhaps irreparably. Living in a marriage without trust can lead to ongoing resentment, emotional distance, and further complications down the line. It could also mean that he would be carrying the burden of this betrayal, which might affect his mental and emotional health in the long run. The strain of pretending that everything is fine, especially when trust is still an issue, could be overwhelming.

On the other hand, if he decides to move on and pursue a divorce, this would allow him to start afresh, potentially finding someone more trustworthy and aligned with his values. This choice could restore his sense of self-respect and emotional stability, enabling him to focus on healing and rebuilding his life. However, divorce comes with its own set of challenges, especially concerning the children. The absence of their mother in their daily lives could be difficult for them to process, and the transition to a new family structure may be challenging. Furthermore, the prospect of introducing a new partner into their lives might be met with resistance or confusion, depending on how they adjust to the separation.

If your friend considers marrying someone else in the future, the impact on his children must be carefully weighed. Introducing a new person into their lives could be positive if handled with care and if the new partner builds a strong, supportive relationship with them. However, it could also be a source of stress and adjustment, especially if the children are still coping with the fallout from the divorce. The key would be to ensure that any transition is done gradually, with the children's feelings and well-being as the top priority.

In summary, your friend is facing a choice between potentially preserving the family unit at the cost of his own emotional well-being, or moving on to seek a healthier and more trusting relationship, which would come with significant changes for his children. The decision ultimately depends on what he values most and what he believes will lead to the best outcome for both himself and his children. He might also want to consider seeking professional counseling, both for himself and possibly for the children, to navigate these complex emotions and to make an informed, balanced decision.

Ans: Rebuilding a relationship when both parties are over 65 and facing significant issues requires patience, understanding, and often professional intervention. Here are some steps that might help in your situation:

First, it's important to acknowledge the depth of the emotional wounds that have been inflicted. Both of you have shared many years together and have supported each other's families, indicating a strong bond that has been strained by recurring conflicts. Recognizing the positive history and expressing gratitude for the past contributions can help set a foundation for reconciliation.

Given that your wife has chosen to live separately and is currently very resistant to communication, it might be helpful to suggest professional counseling. A neutral third party, such as a therapist or marriage counselor, can facilitate conversations in a safe and structured environment. Counseling can help both of you understand the underlying issues, improve communication skills, and work through the anger and resentment that have built up over time.

It’s also crucial to give her space while making it clear that you are committed to working on the relationship. Respect her need for distance, but keep the lines of communication open by occasionally sending thoughtful messages that express your willingness to understand and address her concerns without pressuring her.

Reflect on your behavior and be genuinely open to change. Demonstrating your willingness to work on your own shortcomings can make a significant impact. This might include managing your temper, improving your listening skills, and showing empathy towards her feelings and perspectives.

Involving a close family member or a trusted friend who she respects might also be beneficial. They can act as intermediaries to convey your sincere intentions and help mediate the situation without taking sides.

Lastly, patience is key. Rebuilding trust and repairing a relationship, especially after long-standing issues, takes time. Continue to show her through your actions that you are committed to making positive changes and are willing to put in the effort needed to restore your relationship.

If you both can agree to engage in the process, even if it starts with small steps, there’s hope for reconciliation and rebuilding a happy life together.