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Senior Couple Quarreling: How to Reunite After Wife Moves Out?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |444 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 01, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Let it be an anonymous question Husband and my wife above 65 years had quarrels for various reasons including the fact that her brother's behaviour was quite irritating to .But for the wife he was her favorite one.Initially she too agreed this fact and found out a term a term in English about such behaviour of Brother to Sister's husband.The husband used to make such complaints to her.Finally after so many years of happy life she has hired a flat and staying alone.Initially she used to talk to him.But slowly she started telling if she hears his sound the whole day is gone.She has looked after his mother very well andin the same way he helped her parents.Her mother had a heart attack and escaped.His mother in law told publicly that only because of him she escaped.Even though such good incidents were there the present situation is suchthat theyare staying apart.She is not ready to come back.The husband had already put his best effortsto persuade by sending message,voice messages and personal appology for whatever happened.But she is not ready to come back even though his close relatives talked to her several times.But no use.What is to be done to bring back her and to have happy life.Kindly note that the husband is ready for anything to rebuild life.But she is very adamant that she will not come back.In fact both of them are short tempered .But sometimes her anger goes up like a helicopter.How to rebuild this relationship?How to handle the situation?.

Ans: Rebuilding a relationship when both parties are over 65 and facing significant issues requires patience, understanding, and often professional intervention. Here are some steps that might help in your situation:

First, it's important to acknowledge the depth of the emotional wounds that have been inflicted. Both of you have shared many years together and have supported each other's families, indicating a strong bond that has been strained by recurring conflicts. Recognizing the positive history and expressing gratitude for the past contributions can help set a foundation for reconciliation.

Given that your wife has chosen to live separately and is currently very resistant to communication, it might be helpful to suggest professional counseling. A neutral third party, such as a therapist or marriage counselor, can facilitate conversations in a safe and structured environment. Counseling can help both of you understand the underlying issues, improve communication skills, and work through the anger and resentment that have built up over time.

It’s also crucial to give her space while making it clear that you are committed to working on the relationship. Respect her need for distance, but keep the lines of communication open by occasionally sending thoughtful messages that express your willingness to understand and address her concerns without pressuring her.

Reflect on your behavior and be genuinely open to change. Demonstrating your willingness to work on your own shortcomings can make a significant impact. This might include managing your temper, improving your listening skills, and showing empathy towards her feelings and perspectives.

Involving a close family member or a trusted friend who she respects might also be beneficial. They can act as intermediaries to convey your sincere intentions and help mediate the situation without taking sides.

Lastly, patience is key. Rebuilding trust and repairing a relationship, especially after long-standing issues, takes time. Continue to show her through your actions that you are committed to making positive changes and are willing to put in the effort needed to restore your relationship.

If you both can agree to engage in the process, even if it starts with small steps, there’s hope for reconciliation and rebuilding a happy life together.

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |115 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 13, 2024Hindi
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Vikrant Asked on - Jul 03, 2024 Hi Dear Sir /Mam one of my close friend he is 32 years old now married 6 years ago in 2018. he is in govt job and wife is MA, they have a son 5 years old. After around six months of marriage ,the problems started in relation in family, my friend tells her to respect and she listens to her parents only and her parents tell her to come to parental house at every time when a bit of misunderstanding happens in his family,& she leaves this continues and she lived there for six months then my friends father went to her parents house and advise her that's it's not good way your house is in low's house now daughter. And then she understands and came back with his father then after sometime, she again started querreling and threatened his mom that she will sucide and closed the doors ,later nothing happens and next night while chatting with my friends she threatens him while he was on his duty , that she will eat all pills together and will sucide..my friends got feared , then nothing happens later his father took her to his hoke next day . Them again she lived ther for 6 months around then his father again went and have a talk in between some elders and made her understand..then she again said sorry and came back to in law's house... Then after some days my friend take her with him to his duty place to keep her with himself , so that things can better but after few weeks there also she started doing same things and not caring the child and not making food , and telling husband that ,now I willl tell take revenge how u left me for six months at my home like that she fights with him there. He make her understand that's nobody is here let's live peacefully but said I know your parents are daily filling your ears, why do u talk to them ? talk to me only and give me your ATM I will go for shopping.. now I will do what I want ,I can't make food ,take me to restaurant etc ..she speaks loudly in colony ,my friend request her to not do this she then do more and abuse him and his family.. like wise things gone worse she threatens that 8 can make your family ruin ,I will confiscate your brother in rape case , nothing u can't do my friend gets very scared .. one day my friend went for duty then she calls him and tell him that I am throwing this child (Son) from roof now and cut the call ,my friend started crying there ,after all of that my friend shown some courage and file police complaint Then any how she went to parental home from around 2 years back she is there and living there ,now my friend says he doesn't want to live with her because he suffers the bad time with her & suffered from Disrespectful behaviour etc but he wants his son from her but now she says she will live with him but make a seperate house and leave your parents .. Now what can be done in this situation now how my friend can get seperate from her and get his son back ?
Ans: already replied

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |115 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 13, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Asked on - Jul 03, 2024 Hi Dear Sir /Mam one of my close friend he is 32 years old now married 6 years ago in 2018. he is in govt job and wife is MA, they have a son 5 years old. After around six months of marriage ,the problems started in relation in family, my friend tells her to respect and she listens to her parents only and her parents tell her to come to parental house at every time when a bit of misunderstanding happens in his family,& she leaves this continues and she lived there for six months then my friends father went to her parents house and advise her that's it's not good way your house is in low's house now daughter. And then she understands and came back with his father then after sometime, she again started querreling and threatened his mom that she will sucide and closed the doors ,later nothing happens and next night while chatting with my friends she threatens him while he was on his duty , that she will eat all pills together and will sucide..my friends got feared , then nothing happens later his father took her to his hoke next day . Them again she lived ther for 6 months around then his father again went and have a talk in between some elders and made her understand..then she again said sorry and came back to in law's house... Then after some days my friend take her with him to his duty place to keep her with himself , so that things can better but after few weeks there also she started doing same things and not caring the child and not making food , and telling husband that ,now I willl tell take revenge how u left me for six months at my home like that she fights with him there. He make her understand that's nobody is here let's live peacefully but said I know your parents are daily filling your ears, why do u talk to them ? talk to me only and give me your ATM I will go for shopping.. now I will do what I want ,I can't make food ,take me to restaurant etc ..she speaks loudly in colony ,my friend request her to not do this she then do more and abuse him and his family.. like wise things gone worse she threatens that 8 can make your family ruin ,I will confiscate your brother in rape case , nothing u can't do my friend gets very scared .. one day my friend went for duty then she calls him and tell him that I am throwing this child (Son) from roof now and cut the call ,my friend started crying there ,after all of that my friend shown some courage and file police complaint Then any how she went to parental home from around 2 years back she is there and living there ,now my friend says he doesn't want to live with her because he suffers the bad time with her & suffered from Disrespectful behaviour etc but he wants his son from her but now she says she will live with him but make a seperate house and leave your parents .. Now what can be done in this situation now how my friend can get seperate from her and get his son back ?
Ans: Navigating such a challenging situation requires a thoughtful and measured approach. Here’s a step-by-step plan that might help your friend:

1. Legal Consultation
Seek Legal Advice: Your friend should consult a family law attorney who specializes in such cases. The lawyer can provide detailed information on the legal process for separation or divorce and help in understanding the custody laws.
Document Everything: Encourage your friend to keep a detailed record of all incidents, threats, and abusive behavior. This documentation can be crucial in court proceedings.
2. Mental Health and Safety
Assess Safety: Given the threats of suicide and harm to the child, it's important to prioritize safety. Your friend should consider reaching out to mental health professionals for guidance on how to handle these threats.
Support Systems: Suggest that your friend lean on trusted friends, family, or a support group for emotional support. This can help them manage stress and make more informed decisions.
3. Custody and Child Welfare
Child’s Best Interest: Courts generally prioritize the child's best interest in custody cases. Your friend should focus on demonstrating his ability to provide a stable and nurturing environment for his son.
Evidence of Care: Collect evidence that shows his active involvement in his son's life and his ability to care for him, such as school records, medical records, and testimonies from teachers or caregivers.
4. Mediation and Counseling
Consider Mediation: Sometimes, mediation can help both parties reach an agreement without going to court. A neutral mediator can facilitate discussions about custody and living arrangements.
Counseling: Professional counseling for both your friend and his wife might help in addressing underlying issues. Even if reconciliation is not possible, it can provide a more amicable path to separation.
5. Prepare for Separation
Financial Preparation: Your friend should ensure his finances are in order. Understanding his financial standing will help in negotiations and court proceedings.
Living Arrangements: If separation is imminent, he needs to plan where he will live and how he will maintain a stable environment for his son.
6. Legal Actions
File for Custody: If your friend decides to proceed with separation, he can file for custody of his son. The court will evaluate both parents' ability to provide a suitable environment.
Restraining Orders: If there are credible threats, a restraining order against his wife might be necessary to ensure safety.
7. Long-term Considerations
Parental Responsibilities: Emphasize the importance of both parents being involved in their child’s life, if it’s safe and feasible. Co-parenting arrangements can sometimes be worked out even in contentious situations.
Emotional Health: Ensure your friend takes care of his emotional well-being. This situation is highly stressful, and seeking professional help for his mental health is important.
In summary, your friend should act carefully and strategically, ensuring legal protection, emotional support, and prioritizing the well-being of his son. This approach will help him navigate the complexities of his situation more effectively.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1410 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 12, 2024Hindi
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HI mam, i am 55 year old married staying with wife & two daughters & i am earning a good salary, no loans nothing & we can live happily. My wife bit under educated ( 12 std) & she has some health issues also (arthritis from past one year) & getting treatment. We are living separately from my parents from the past 17 years. My wife does not like my mother ( 80 years with old age health issues) coming to my home since my wife commanded by my mother when we were staying with my parents 17 years back. Still she has that old days struggle in her mind & there is a clash between me & my wife whenever my mother comes to my home. So many times I told her to forget all old bad days memories live today's happy life which she never wants to forget. My father passed away 04 years back & my mother comes to my home whenever there is a function or due to health issue stays for hardly about 15-20 days in a year. How to resolve this issue & get back happiness in my family.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I wish it were easy to forget...and it's a matter of choice whether we want to keep the past behind us or bring it again and again in out present moment. If your wife does not choose to keep the past behind, it is going to be a huge nightmare for you and especially you constantly having to mediate between your mother and wife.
Yes, since your mother stays only for a few days with you in a year, it is fair of you to expect your wife to 'adjust'...But she is unwilling, so what do you do?
If you can afford to keep your mother in a separate room and have someone care for her just for those 20 days, it will keep your wife away and having to do anything with your mother. So, your mother's needs are taken care of AND your wife has nothing to do with her.
You cannot force anyone to like someone else and that's what is happening at your home. Your wife has her reasons and your mother would have had hers when she was playing the active role of a mother-in-law. Let bygones be bygones. You want your mother to be treated well for that short time in your home; then give her just that...But without expecting that your wife is going to agree to anything. Instead, do what you need to for your ageing mother but keep your wife off the responsibility...That should keep both sides satisfied...
Life is filled with curve balls; you just learn to navigate then better every time...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Latest Questions
Anu

Anu Krishna  |1410 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 19, 2024
Relationship
I have a question that I’ve been too embarrassed to ask anyone, but I feel like it’s time to get some clarity. I’m a woman in my early 30s, in a stable relationship, but recently, I’ve been noticing something that’s throwing me off track. I’ve been having a lot of intense sexual thoughts that I can’t seem to shake off. It's not just about attraction to my partner; these thoughts are more spontaneous and often come at the most random moments. They feel almost uncontrollable, and it’s starting to affect how I see myself. I feel like I’m living in two worlds – one where I’m a responsible adult, and the other where these lustful feelings seem to take over, and it’s hard to focus on anything else. I’ve tried suppressing them, distracting myself, but it feels like they come back stronger, almost like my mind has a mind of its own! It’s frustrating, and honestly, I’m not sure if I should feel guilty or empowered by these urges. How do I handle this without feeling like I’m losing control? Any tips on how to balance my desires with my everyday life?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Lust and behaviors that arise from it are just one aspect of your life not the only thing. When you get consumed with it in a way that it starts to impact your daily living, then hey, you have to do something really heavy to make a change.
Now, what can that be? A new skill, a hobby...these kind of challenges keep the mind in a learning mode and channelizes your energies into another thing as well.
But of course, do make sure that you and your partner are also having your share of intimacy. This along with learning something new can ideally do the magic. Also, put on those gym shoes, running shoes or anything that gets you enough physical activity. See where all this goes...
On, and guilt, is quite a wasteful job in your case...so drop it and focus on newer things that keep you on your toes.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1410 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, I need some advice that’s a bit out of the ordinary. I’ve been married for 8 years, and my wife and I have recently been discussing investing in property together. The twist is, we have very different ideas on what to do with it. I’ve always been more of a numbers person—thinking about it as a solid financial investment. I want to buy something that will increase in value over time and add to our financial security. On the other hand, my wife sees it more as a home. She’s emotionally attached to the idea of a cozy, dream house, somewhere we can raise our family and enjoy life together. So, we’ve been butting heads a bit, as I’m leaning more towards an investment property in a growing area, while she’s looking for something more in line with what we want to live in now. It’s getting a little tense between us because I feel like she’s not seeing the financial side of things, and she thinks I’m too focused on money and not on our happiness. Is there a middle ground where we can both be happy?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, it's dream v/s practicality, yeah?
When you get to a stalemate situation like the one you and your wife are in, the best way is to go back to the Square A.
Start where you began when you married...list down what's important to each of you and somewhere in your case, it will lead not just to her wants and yours, but it will go back to money and financial prudence. When you hit this, come to an understanding as to how you will overcome this; it has to be mutually agreed upon. Then bring your current home buying issue and solve it just like the way you sorted your differences over finances. Try it...it will work...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7332 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 24, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 47 yr old IT Professional. I have diversified my porfolio across MF - 60L , Direct Equity - 15 L, Gold (SGB - 20L, Physical - 50L) , Real Estate - 2 CR(Flat), Independent home (2.5CR) which fetching 30K Monthly Rental. EPF - 90L, NPS - 20 L, FD - 90L, Sukanya Samridhi for 2 Daughters - 14L Each till date. I am contributing upto 1.5 L monthly into NPS, Equity MF. My MF is diversified into Flexi, mid and small cap fund (Total 8 Funds in portfolio). I am looking to build retirement corpus of 8 Cr based on my current monthly expenses.
Ans: You have a well-diversified portfolio. It includes real estate, mutual funds, equity, gold, EPF, NPS, and FDs. This balance reflects thoughtful planning.

Your rental income of Rs. 30,000 adds stability. Contributions to Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana secure your daughters’ futures.

Your focus on NPS and diversified mutual funds is commendable. These build long-term wealth efficiently.

You aim for Rs. 8 crore as a retirement corpus. With careful adjustments, this is achievable.

Key Areas to Strengthen
1. Portfolio Consolidation

Your portfolio has eight mutual funds. This may lead to overlap and inefficiency.

Review these funds with a Certified Financial Planner. Ensure no duplication across asset categories.

Consider consolidating into 3–5 actively managed funds. This maintains diversification while improving focus.

2. Asset Allocation

Your portfolio is heavy in real estate and gold. These are illiquid investments.

Aim to rebalance toward financial assets like equity mutual funds. These provide liquidity and growth potential.

A Certified Financial Planner can assist in optimal asset reallocation.

3. Emergency Fund

Ensure liquid funds for 6–12 months of expenses.

This fund should not overlap with FDs or long-term investments.

Maintain this emergency fund in a liquid fund or savings account.

4. Mutual Fund Taxation

When selling mutual funds, consider capital gains tax:

Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term gains are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income slab.

Plan withdrawals with this tax implication in mind.

Actionable Strategies
1. Increase Equity Exposure

Your diversified mutual funds are strong.

Consider increasing equity mutual fund SIPs for long-term wealth.

Focus on flexi-cap, large-cap, and mid-cap funds for balanced growth.

Small-cap funds are volatile; limit exposure to 10–15%.

2. Optimise NPS Contributions

NPS is excellent for retirement. Its tax benefits under Sections 80C and 80CCD are helpful.

Invest up to Rs. 50,000 annually for additional tax savings.

However, review NPS as it locks in funds till retirement. Maintain flexibility elsewhere.

3. Rationalise FD Holdings

FDs are safe but offer low post-tax returns.

Shift a portion to debt funds for better returns and tax efficiency.

Debt funds balance portfolio risk without sacrificing liquidity.

4. Review Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana

Your contributions here are thoughtful. They offer assured returns for your daughters’ education.

Continue until the full maturity period. This ensures maximum benefit.

Retirement Planning
1. Expense Mapping

List all post-retirement expenses. Account for inflation at 6–7% annually.

Break these into essentials (medical, household) and discretionary (travel, hobbies).

Use this as a guide to calculate your future income requirement.

2. Corpus Building

Your current investments, including EPF and NPS, are solid.

Increase your mutual fund SIPs marginally to stay on track for Rs. 8 crore.

Continue Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly contributions strategically across financial instruments.

3. Health Coverage

Health insurance is critical post-retirement.

Review coverage for yourself and family. Ensure at least Rs. 50 lakh in coverage.

Consider adding a top-up plan for unforeseen medical costs.

Gold Portfolio Insights
Your gold portfolio is significant at Rs. 70 lakh.

SGBs are excellent for regular interest income and long-term growth.

However, physical gold is less efficient. Selling may involve lower liquidity and higher costs.

Convert a portion of physical gold into SGBs or financial assets.

Final Insights
You have made strong financial decisions so far.

Focus on reducing portfolio complexity and enhancing liquidity.

Rebalance your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner. This ensures alignment with goals.

Stick to disciplined contributions toward NPS and mutual funds. This will help you reach Rs. 8 crore comfortably.

Ensure diversification without overextending into illiquid assets.

With this strategy, your retirement goals are well within reach.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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