Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Anu Krishna |1465 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by R on Jun 09, 2021Hindi

Hi Anu, I am a 35 yr old married guy with one child. Over the past 1.5 years since the lockdown started we have started multiple fights among ourselves.

If I take this sometime back, then from the time our kid was born, my wife has lost interest in sex and then lockdown started.

I tried convincing her many times but nothing seems to be working out.

I can’t go out for holidays or any outing because of the current scenario.

I also look sex starved and keep looking out for some flings outside. How can I get my normal life back?

Is this a normal behaviour of looking for flings outside my marriage? What do you suggest in my situation?

Waiting for a prompt response.

Ans: Dear R, I hear you. As much as flings outside of marriage seem like a good way to escape, remedying the situation that you are in goes a long way in creating a stronger marriage.

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage/relationship but not the only one.

The obsession with sex can absolutely drive a person insane as books are written on the number of times one must have sex in a week, the duration of sex/love making and a detailed participation between the people involved in this activity.

No other activity in the world would have been subject to so much scrutiny and detailed explanations on what to do, how to do, how much to do and so on.

As we are in the know of this, we start to obsess over what is wrong with us.

The most natural activity in the world needs to be under the scanner. That is what could be happening to you like many others who talk of the miseries of sex not being a part of marriage.

Firstly, you need to understand that after a woman delivers a baby, the experience changes her physically, emotionally, and spiritually as well. Her focus now becomes the baby and its well being.

And this can be a dampener for the father who suddenly feels neglected. This can lead to him feeling unloved, uncared for almost competing with his baby.

As cruel as this may sound, this is the reality in many homes with the arrival of a new-born. And somewhere, the mother becomes so comfortable with her role that she may forget to communicate to her husband that she needs time to be in that phase and integrate her role as a mother and wife.

Yes, and many a time, this goes on for years.

How can this be addressed? Communicate your needs without just jumping the gun and stating that sex is all you want.

Yes, that is what you are missing, but there is more to a relationship.

Build your connection from the scratch.

Court her, pamper her, indulge in her and simply love her without making her feel inadequate and guilty…making a mother feel like a woman than just someone who changes diapers and feeds the baby can be an absolute turnaround for any woman.

This takes time and patience… it’s like planting a seed, watering it and watching it grow and when you see it bloom, it can radiate with happiness.

And if you think, she genuinely isn’t interested in sex or any sort of physical intimacy, there might be an underlying problem like hormonal imbalance, stress, fatigue.

These need to be addressed by seeing a professional. I would still suggest; see your wife as a woman who you are in love with and the reason that you are together…that will put things in perspective for you.

Wishing you the best in rebuilding your connection.

RelationshipReply

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu Krishna |1465 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 19, 2022

Question by AY - Jan 19, 2022Hindi

Dear MamI am a 33 year old male working in a PSU at middle management level. Six years ago I was married happily as per my wish to a girl of my choice.Everything was just perfect. My wife is 4.5 years younger to me. I had to go against my parents wish as they were not comfortable with a non working wife. Mine was not a love story but yes I met girl through a common friend and went ahead for the alliance. Our sex life was also great in the start and we welcomed a baby girl just 2 months short of our first wedding anniversary. However now when I compare I do understand that because of household chores she could not give proper time to me, but still I feel a strong urge to have sex with her. She somehow does not reciprocate well and is dull in having sex. Apart from this we still fight over silly things and tolerance level of both of us have gone very down. Sometimes I feel to this extent that I should walk out from the marriage because I really don't want hot talks in our relationship. I agree I have a 5 year old baby girl. I do control my feelings and anger too to some extent. My wife also does the same but really small things trigger me on. Also I always have a huge sex drive and I feel that if I don't get it from my wife I should look out for other options. I have not cheated with her but I feel that given the option I can because of sex urge. May be this is due to higher libido and I do masturbate occasionally fantasizing my neighbour or other female friends and sometimes my wife too. I don't know what goes through me but seeing your column I felt I should tell you these small details so you could give me an honest answer. I don't want to leave her, I do love her a lot but these fights really make me lose my cool and feel depressed.What should be done according to you ? Should I see a psychiatrist?

Ans:

Dear AY,

I will ask you to introspect and ask yourself: When did things start going downhill?

What event led to this? Surely, things don’t happen all of sudden, so something or some thought must have led to this.

Also, it’s important to understand that managing home and a child is a full time job and it tires the woman a lot.

To be in a mood for sex, the woman needs to be relaxed and calm…if the work at home is tiring, try and hire a domestic helper or any extra help that will ease her.

That way she will have more time to care for herself and her needs as well. Offer to pitch in and this will also bring the two of you closer.

Your theory of your high libido which is not being matched by your wife may or may not be true as sometimes that solution is simpler than you think.

Sadly, we are used to complicating things and look at what’s obvious in front of us.

Sex outside of marriage seems to be an option that has crossed your mind, but I do understand from your letter that you care and love your wife a lot.

Let not a moment of weakness make you shake the foundation of a beautiful relationship that the two of you share.

Have an open chat with her. Express how you feel and speak of your sexual needs.

Most often, communication solves most marriage issues. If this doesn’t work, kindly seek professional help with a marriage therapist.

Ultimately, you know why the two of you are married and why you chose her to be your wife.

Bear that in mind and a lot of yours mind struggles will ease and you will be able to think more usefully and also move into a better marriage space.

Happy 2022 and here’s wishing you the best in life!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1465 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 27, 2020

Question by PK - Oct 27, 2020Hindi

Hello Anu, I am 48, male. I married in 2007 and we were blessed with a daughter in 2015. Ever since we were pregnant, I left my regular job and started working from home instead. Things went off smooth and professionally there is not much of a problem. Agreed, 2020 has been quite a bad year for almost everyone and I am no exception. But then, things are somewhat better with me when I see people around and learn about their getting unemployed or otherwise. My problem is related to family, relationship with my wife and this has started playing on me. The last time we indulged in any sexual activity was probably before my wife became pregnant. And even before that, she was always uninterested in having anything physical between us. At max, we would have sex just once a month. But after her birth, we have never had sex, no time together. The most we talk about in a day is the stock of this is finishing up or you need to get this or that kind of things. She works in an office, so she has friends, people whom she can talk to and spend time. I stay home caring for my daughter. Though most of the day is spent with caring for her, there is something that is dying inside me. I had tried asking her to make a visit to the consultant locally, but she has always denied. And she keeps telling me that all I need is sex from her, which of course has never been true. I wished there was some medical solution for my problems but I know there is nothing wrong. It is just some psychological issue. At times I just want to leave up everything and quit, but then I prefer not to do it thinking about the daughter. I now feel that I do need some friends, but at my age, finding them is also tough. I do not feel comfortable talking about these issues to even my friends because - 1. I do not feel that close with any and 2. I wonder, if any of those confronted up my wife with this - that would be asking for a chaos as well. I could go on into more details but am unsure if you would have that enough time. Please suggest if you can.

Ans: Dear PK, firstly, Parenting is a lot of work and to be a full-time parent from home, like you are right now, requires a lot of time and energy. Also, let’s not deny and most mothers/parents/others who are full time caregivers of a child will whisper and not say it aloud that doing that 24*7 without a break can be stressful and even monotonous at times.

They are encouraged to take a break every once in a while, to rejuvenate so they can do more and feel less exhausted.

It is pretty normal for women to lose interest in sex for a few weeks or perhaps months after the baby is born as the hormones now secreted elude her away from simply being a wife and the loving mother takes over.

This can cause a lot of rift between the new parents as the man obviously is not aware of this fact.

A book can throw more light on this and I cannot be more emphatic and say this here that it helps when the woman doesn’t have to worry about her husband and focus on bonding with the child which is of utmost importance for the development and growth of the baby.

Besides, there are other forms of affection/intimacy that can be explored so the new parents still manage to keep the spark alive.

The fact of your wife having a parallel life at her work place has become a dampener in your mind as she is definitely able to have a social life at least part of the day whereas you are not.

I do suggest you cook up some ‘Me Time’ over the weekends when your wife can bond with the baby and you can meet friends and simply unwind so that you back with a renewed vigour as the week begins.

And, it is possible to make friends at any age. Anyone who shares common interests and hobbies, can become a part of your inner circle.

It is apparent that both of you have lost communication and either your wife is unaware about how you feel or maybe she is going through something that you don’t know of.

If she isn’t comfortable going to a professional, take charge and revive your communication. Babies can demand a lot of time from their parents and if you can have someone trustworthy to watch the baby for a couple of hours over the weekend, where you and your wife can have some time to yourselves, that might help.

We can go on struggling or we can step up and do something about it. So, give it your best for yourself and your family.

Happy Bonding and have a great life!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1465 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024