Hi Anu, I am a 35 yr old married guy with one child. Over the past 1.5 years since the lockdown started we have started multiple fights among ourselves. If I take this sometime back, then from the time our kid was born, my wife has lost interest in sex and then lockdown started. I tried convincing her many times but nothing seems to be working out. I can’t go out for holidays or any outing because of the current scenario. I also look sex starved and keep looking out for some flings outside. How can I get my normal life back? Is this a normal behaviour of looking for flings outside my marriage? What do you suggest in my situation? Waiting for a prompt response.

Dear R, I hear you. As much as flings outside of marriage seem like a good way to escape, remedying the situation that you are in goes a long way in creating a stronger marriage. Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage/relationship but not the only one. The obsession with sex can absolutely drive a person insane as books are written on the number of times one must have sex in a week, the duration of sex/love making and a detailed participation between the people involved in this activity. No other activity in the world would have been subject to so much scrutiny and detailed explanations on what to do, how to do, how much to do and so on. As we are in the know of this, we start to obsess over what is wrong with us. The most natural activity in the world needs to be under the scanner. That is what could be happening to you like many others who talk of the miseries of sex not being a part of marriage. Firstly, you need to understand that after a woman delivers a baby, the experience changes her physically, emotionally, and spiritually as well. Her focus now becomes the baby and its well being. And this can be a dampener for the father who suddenly feels neglected. This can lead to him feeling unloved, uncared for almost competing with his baby. As cruel as this may sound, this is the reality in many homes with the arrival of a new-born. And somewhere, the mother becomes so comfortable with her role that she may forget to communicate to her husband that she needs time to be in that phase and integrate her role as a mother and wife. Yes, and many a time, this goes on for years. How can this be addressed? Communicate your needs without just jumping the gun and stating that sex is all you want. Yes, that is what you are missing, but there is more to a relationship. Build your connection from the scratch. Court her, pamper her, indulge in her and simply love her without making her feel inadequate and guilty…making a mother feel like a woman than just someone who changes diapers and feeds the baby can be an absolute turnaround for any woman. This takes time and patience… it’s like planting a seed, watering it and watching it grow and when you see it bloom, it can radiate with happiness. And if you think, she genuinely isn’t interested in sex or any sort of physical intimacy, there might be an underlying problem like hormonal imbalance, stress, fatigue. These need to be addressed by seeing a professional. I would still suggest; see your wife as a woman who you are in love with and the reason that you are together…that will put things in perspective for you. Wishing you the best in rebuilding your connection.