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Kanchan Rai |512 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 26, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by bappa on Dec 26, 2023Hindi

Dear, I am a 44 yr old man. I have an issue for which I need some support. We are Bengalis, I am an engineer & was married in 2004. It was an arranged marriage with all those astrological compatibility etc. My wife is 5 yrs younger than me. After my marriage I found that she was very adjusting,loving & people will say that we are an ideal match even today I will also say she is the perfect wife one can have, but one thing I noticed immediately is that she is very unlucky for me. Whenever she is around there will be no success & even things that are working will go wrong. Within 1 yr of marriage, we had a daughter. When she went for delivery I got an opportunity to go to Canada, after a few months she & my daughter joined me & my project closed & I was sent back. Knowing the issue I again sent her for higher education, when she was not around, I got an opportunity to go to the USA, again when they joined me I was sent back. I can give many examples like this, many times we talked about it and met astrologers but all will say our match is perfect. We stayed in Pune. With our daughter around we continued with our family life which I will say was happy, many people will give examples of our family & ostensibly perfect partners we were. But I will tactfully avoid her in times when it was crucial like appraisal etc, & things will work. But I always felt & feared the misfortune she brings. During Covid, this avoidance could not be done & Jan 2023 I was told to leave my job by June 2023. I tried for a lot but could not get a job with her around. In May I sent her to our native & I got a job in Bengaluru. My daughter is in Class 12 in Pune so could not shift my family. In my Pune job , I had a reportee Sumit a Marathi who became somewhat like a friend or better an office tea partner. Many times at tea he would talk about his wife's misbehavior & in the discussion I would tell him how my wife behaves, but my wife had never met with Sumit. They were a childless couple & in Dec 2022 he started living separately from his wife. I being a senior never discussed any private things like family etc with him, One day in May this year out of shear frustration I told him about the bad luck my wife brings, and he responded that" many times one may bring bad luck to one person but maybe good luck to another" Before moving to Bengaluru I called him to our house for lunch since he was staying alone & was having a problem with food etc. Something in my intuition told me that he & my wife may go well, but I never told anyone. A few days later my wife told me that Sumit had sent a Facebook friend request to her & asked me if she should accept it, I said its up to her, she accepted it. My wife has a habit of sending "good morning" messages to a lot of people & I soon found she sent one to Sumit also. I had her Facebook password so could see the messenger messages also. I soon saw Sumit responding to her & they having chats. Initially, she used to tell me about the talks she is having with Sumit but now she has stopped When I moved to Bangalore in June I used to have daily calls & sometimes hot video calls also, I go to Pune every month & we used to have physical relationship but this month when I went to Pune my wife refused getting physical with the reason of she having periods, in Nov she made a purposeful fight with me so that we dont get physical. For 2 months she doesn't do the hot video calls also but regular calls are ongoing. I am in a dilemma, I am happy with my wife but she brings too much bad luck & she has understood it. If I keep quiet now I know by Dec 24 my wife will be Sumit's wife & there traits they will be very happy. But if I even now want I strongly feel that I can stop her drifting further, but I cannot decide if I should do it. Since I think that she going away from my life will stop bringing the misfortune she brings & she & Sumit will be really good partners & will be happy. But I also feel very sad about her leaving me. Please help me with how I should decide. My daughter will complete her 12th next year & I am hopeful by June next year she will be in an engg college hostel & will not be directly affected by this change of relationship.

Ans: Dear Bappa,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging situation. Deciding whether to confront your wife about her growing relationship with Sumit is undoubtedly a difficult and personal choice. It's important to approach this situation with empathy and open communication. Take some time to reflect on your own emotions and the impact your wife's actions are having on you. Consider both the positive and negative aspects of your relationship, as well as your own needs and desires. Choose an appropriate time to have an open and honest conversation with your wife. Avoid accusations and blame, but express your concerns and feelings. Discuss how her relationship with Sumit makes you feel and inquire about her perspective on your marriage Reflect on what you want for your future and whether you believe your marriage can overcome the challenges. Reflect on your own feelings about your marriage. Consider whether your concerns about bad luck and misfortune are based on tangible evidence or if there might be other factors influencing your perception. Consider the impact on your daughter and how decisions might affect her as well. While she may be heading to college soon, a separation or divorce can still affect her emotionally. Consider her well-being in any decisions you make.
Sometimes, people need time for personal growth and self-discovery. This doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage but could lead to a stronger relationship in the future. Both partners might need to work on themselves to contribute positively to the relationship It's crucial to make decisions based on your own values, priorities, and the specific dynamics of your relationship. If needed, don't hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or professionals who can provide guidance and assistance during this challenging time.

Asked on - Feb 14, 2024 | Answered on Feb 14, 2024

Dear Thanks for your quick response to my earlier query, during the last 2 months I have tried to follow your advice & have also started support from our office counsellor, I am writing to you again as some aspects I felt ashamed to discuss with the office counsellor & some to have a 2nd opinion. I had deeply thought about my expectations from my marriage & wife. In the last 6 months as I am staying separate in Bangalore, I have found much better & am much more communicative with my wife, discussing & sharing emotionally. When we stay together the continuous expectation would put both of us in a panic & irritation ultimately resulting in fights & also finally not sharing & the bad luck of seeing her face will add oil to the fire, with many of my outbursts not being very parliamentary. So I see our relationship is better if it is long-distance. I discussed this with my wife & she also agrees somewhat, but the basis of husband-wife relationship is to stay together, where we fail. Since we stayed together for 17 yrs we know each other’s problems & historical facts which no one else knows, so frankly I need a long-distance person with whom I can share emotionally, but for my wife she requires someone who is also close to her physically. One idea that I got is to let things be as it is i.e. let her stay in Pune while I stay in Bangalore & she be in a relationship with Sumit & maybe stay with him without legally separating, maybe when my daughter is having holidays, we can have short trips. This will keep the social well-being intact as people will not know as we don’t have any close relatives in Pune. But I am worried about the long-term impact will our marriage last especially what plans should I make in old age. Want your opinion & what precautions do I need to take. In the last 2 mnths, I have been to Pune 3 times for the reason of my daughters JEE for which I help her. I talked with my wife about Sumit in early Jan & she said they are good friends & they share a lot of intimate talks; she was not ready to tell me anything more than that. On asking about physical relationships she was elusive . But she said she doesn’t want to legally separate from me. I also discussed if she wants, we can have a long-distance relationship supporting each other (without naming Sumit) she did not respond. Though Sumit talks to me once in 7-10 days we never talked about his relationship with my wife, we talk about status of his divorce, old office stuffs etc. 2 weeks ago my wife told me that Sumit's parents, divorced sister who had come for a visit to Pune will be coming to our house to meet her. Later she posted some photos in her WhatsApp status for everyone it will look as if some friend had to come to visit her (everyone will think some lady friend). In mid-January in one of my old office colleagues (who is a friend with Sumit) Facebook I saw that in his son's birthday my wife is there (he doesn’t know or have seen my wife), I tactically asked him who that lady was, he said it is Sumit’s friend. Can you please help me if she is going in the same way I am thinking about the future of our relationship. The last point is something which I could not ask anyone. During my last 3 visits to Pune I had sex with my wife. I will like to tell that my wife is always (since our marriage) very passive in sex she has to be told what to do 1 by 1, (though for me it gave me some amount of pleasure command) which she will do properly & maybe sometimes do 1-2 things on her own or ask me to do. She was same this time also. I never had sex relationship with anyone else so this acts maybe in a distance timeframe gives me a lot of pleasure. I am worried what will be this relationship be if she starts staying with Sumit, what is your advice? My counsellor advised me to sit & talk with Sumit & my wife together but really, I am not seeing any reason to do it, do I need to do this joint meeting & if so, what do I need to discuss

Ans: Dear Bappa,

It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into your relationship and your future with your wife. It's positive that you're able to communicate more effectively when you're physically apart. However, the idea of allowing your wife to be in a relationship with Sumit while you stay in Bangalore raises several complex issues, especially concerning the long-term viability of your marriage and your plans for old age.

Firstly, it's important to consider the emotional implications of such an arrangement. While it may alleviate some of the pressures and conflicts in your current relationship, it could also lead to feelings of loneliness, jealousy, or insecurity for both you and your wife. Additionally, maintaining this arrangement without legal separation could create legal and financial complications in the future, especially when it comes to issues like inheritance, healthcare, and support in old age.

Regarding your concern about your wife's relationship with Sumit, it's challenging to determine the nature of their relationship based on the information you've provided. It's possible that they are just good friends, as your wife has stated, but it's also understandable that you might have doubts given the circumstances. Ultimately, trust and open communication are key in any relationship, so it might be helpful to have a candid conversation with your wife about your concerns and expectations.

As for the idea of a joint meeting with your wife and Sumit, while it may provide some clarity, it's important to carefully consider the potential outcomes and whether it will truly address your concerns. It might be beneficial to seek the advice of a counselor or therapist who can help you navigate these complex emotions and decisions.

In summary, it's crucial to prioritize open and honest communication with your wife, as well as seek professional guidance to ensure that any decisions you make are in the best interest of both parties involved.

Asked on - Apr 23, 2024 | Answered on Jun 06, 2024

Dear. Thanks for response. I have been working with our office counsellor for some time but need a second opinion. To update I had a joint talk with Sumit & my wife in mid-March in which they repeated the same point of being good friends & do not intend to marry & Sumit made it clear he doesn't want to remarry after his divorce. For my wife, she said if I want divorce she is open but she will not initiate. The negative outcome of this for me has been that now she openly goes around with Sumit, which before they were doing somewhat secretly, my daughter has also got the idea. Though my wife only puts very general photos in her FB, WhatsApp status like going to music shows, dressing up but Sumit puts her photos in his FB account, they barely have common friends except Sumit’s family. Even my mom-in -law is not aware of this. Sumit also buys her dresses etc which she wears to this places. Just to mention after the discussion she has started using money which tenants put in her account for many rented properties belonging to her late father in her native,( her brother who stays in USA is not interested in the property & has renounced to her ), though she has CC, google pay etc linked to accounts which I maintain for the last 17 yrs for her. Now this has put me in a difficult situation. I need to decide. I am not a sort of guy who at this stage, age will/can start a new relationship, and neither do I want. On one hand not seeking a divorce will keep the future reconciliation open. I still talk to my wife & take her advice, instruct her as I used to do before. She also discusses with me things like her family, common friends, daughter etc but she doesn't share everything that she used to before & our telephone calls are getting shorter because she just responds to whatever I ask her nothing more about herself. As I told you I have her FB messenger password when I see her conversation with Sumit other then the phone calls she makes I see lots of things she shares about herself & Sumit also replies including talks she has with me & about questions I have asked & replies she has given, they also discuss about it. My office counsellor adviced me to keep status co. what is your take? The second part is something which I am finding very difficult to explain as I had mentioned before for the last 5yrs I wanted not to stay with her due to reasons which I wrote to you in the dec but now feel very sad that she is leaving or have distanced from me. It’s a very odd feeling in the same breath I don’t want her in my life but on the other hand is sad that she is moving towards someone else. My counsellor is only asking me to be mentally strong but it is not helping do you have any other advice