Hi, I am 42 yrs and my wife 40 yrs also have 2 kids. My wife not interested in intercourse as opposite to me. Few efforts to be done for this. From Marriage to till date No other issues in our relationship & all going well. I am assuming this might be due to household workload and stress. What to do so that we can do the intercourse on daily basis without any fail. I had also talked about my desire but no result. Pl guide.

Dear CM,

This is a common challenge that many couples I work with face.

Babies take away their freedom to become intimate and this causes a lot of tension between them.

So let’s break it down for you, yeah?

Your wife right now isn’t the same woman she was before.

Being a mom, and a full-time one at that, is a huge job. A seven year old and a three year old at home can only mean full-time attention to them and little time for herself. When a woman is focused on her role as a mom, she invariably forgets who she is or how she looks; her job as the primary caregiver is all that she knows and does.

She is invariably tired and will think about rest, not action, in the bedroom. This is something that I want you to understand. Be more empathetic towards this; maybe you already are!

Now, what you do for her outside of the bedroom will define what happens within the bedroom. So,
- When was the last time you complimented her on her good looks?
- When was the last time you offered to care for the children so that she could step out with her friends and have a good time?
- When was the last time you took her out for absolutely no reason and made her feel good about herself?
- When was the last time you volunteered to cook and take care of the home while she simply sits and relaxes?

Motherhood can be very challenging, especially when the children are young.

Maybe you have tried all this and I am not about to push you back and not consider your side of the story.

But hey, she’s the one who has carried the babies, so it’s natural she is going to be around them.

Do sit down together after the children are asleep and watch a movie.

Do ask the extended family to babysit the children while the two of you spend a day doing things that you did before the babies came along.

Be aware that as you focus on yourself and your pleasures, you might forget that she is missing them too and that, at this point, you can help her feel like a ‘woman’ again.

It takes two to tango. Nothing can be one-sided. It will only end up becoming a selfish act which I am sure you are aware of. Try what I have suggested and let me know.

All the best!

Since you haven’t mentioned her age, I may not be able to relate a particular phase of a woman’s life and sex in relation to that age. But broadly, I can say that for a woman to be in a mood to have sex/make love only when she is emotionally well and fit.

Maybe there is an underlying stress condition that must be looked into as this might make her lose interest in sex.

Also, certain hormonal changes with age can make women less responsive in bed. And sometimes a few medical conditions may also cause this challenge.

Whatever, it maybe, she is your partner and spouse. I would suggest that you first get down to a peaceful communication where the intent is not to drive your agenda of sex but instead being there for her and understanding her as well.

This will create a space of trust where she will be able to share her feelings and what she is going through.

Do get a basic blood work done where a few medical conditions can be ruled out as well.

And if it still persists, then it’s perhaps time to seek a professional out who can help put things into perspective by going deeper into what exactly is going on.

A strong emotional distress maybe the cause for this too.

Whatever it maybe, be with her through this entire journey. She will need a friend to fall back on for sure.

Happy bonding and all the best!

There's no rule about couples having sex twice a week, Vaibhav. That said, you should be in sync when it comes to your sex life, whether it's once a month or once a day.

What is her reaction when you do have sex with her? Is it grudging permission? To get it over with, so you'll leave her alone?

You haven't given me enough information to go by here, but I will tell you this -- it's certainly unnatural for a wife to get so upset that she shouts at her husband when he makes a move!

You need to speak to her and get to the root of why she doesn't enjoy sex anymore and move toward remedying the situation.

A marriage counsellor may help, maybe have it be a lady so that she's more comfortable discussing this particular situation, it being of such an intimate nature.