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37-Year-Old Struggling with Family Dynamics and Long-Distance Commute

Kanchan Rai |581 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 09, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 08, 2024Hindi

I am 37 years old and married. My wife and I have been living with my parents at our ancestral home since the lockdown. My office is in Bangalore, about 400 km from our ancestral home, and I own a house there. We were staying in Bangalore until the lockdown. Although I am not a big fan of living at our ancestral home, I adjust solely for my parents. They do not want to return to Bangalore, and I don't want to leave them alone, as it's a big property and I am afraid of leaving two elderly people there by themselves. However, my father thinks that I am here only because I have an eye on their property. I earn a good income and certainly don't need their property to survive, but it hurts me a lot when he says things like this. How do I cope with this?

Ans: I can understand how painful and frustrating it must be to feel accused of something so contrary to your true intentions, especially when you're making sacrifices to support your parents. Balancing your role as a son with your own desires and needs is challenging, and it's made even more difficult when there's a lack of trust or understanding from those you're trying to help.

First, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. It’s perfectly natural to feel hurt and disappointed when your motives are misunderstood, especially by your own father. These emotions need to be addressed, as bottling them up could lead to more resentment or stress. You might want to consider talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings. This can help you process the situation and gain some perspective.

When it comes to coping with your father's accusations, communication is key. It might help to have an open, honest conversation with him about how his comments make you feel. Approach the discussion with empathy, understanding that his fears might be coming from a place of vulnerability or anxiety about the future. You could gently explain that your decision to stay with them is out of love and concern for their well-being, not for any material gain. Reinforcing that you are financially secure and that your focus is on their safety and comfort might help alleviate his fears.

Another aspect to consider is setting boundaries and finding a balance that works for you and your family. If staying at the ancestral home is causing tension, you might explore alternatives. Could you spend part of the week in Bangalore and part with your parents? Or perhaps find a way to ensure their safety and comfort while also giving yourself the space you need? This could involve hiring help or making modifications to the property to make it more manageable for them.

Lastly, self-care is essential. Living in a situation that is emotionally taxing can wear you down over time. Make sure you are taking care of your mental and emotional health, whether that’s through hobbies, exercise, or simply taking time to unwind. Remember that your well-being is just as important as your parents', and you deserve to live in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled.

Coping with this situation will take time and patience. Keep the lines of communication open, consider your options carefully, and don’t be afraid to seek support when you need it. With the right approach, you can work towards a solution that respects both your parents' needs and your own.