Hi Dr Ashish.,
Please keep it as anonymus.
I am married from the past 7.7 yrs outside my community. It was an arrange cum love marriage. He was a kind of aurthodox mindset and I agreed to all his terms & conditions without understanding peroperly before marriage.
Then after I tried my level best to do as I was agreed to it. For an example not having friendship with the opposite sex etc. His father is a negative person and always doubt on me if I speak to my real & close cousins(Kaka's son). I stopped talking to my friends& cousins for him.
This went till a year, then his father beaten me when I back answered him for something, then after we left the house. Since then we are staying separately from his father but he keeps coming to our house in my absense.
I had left my job after marriage then after 3 yrs of marriage I again started working, I continued my futher study(LLB). Now his father is getting older, he wants to keep his father with us. By keeping everything a side I agreed.
But as the domestic violance was already happened in the past, he is fearful if it happened for 2nd time I may take a legal action which I had not done earlier.
Now he is asking me to give divorce and to stay together. He says is the relationship is only with the paper.We won't tell this to the world, it would be confidential between you & me. I want you & need you but I know my fathers nature & your nature.
There are possibilities that the same incident may repeat in the future. If we divorce then you won't be able to take a legal action. I want to be anxiety free.
I am egoistic, sometimes speaks rudely & trust me I am working on it and I am observng the changes in me as well day by day, still when he provokes me my temprament goes up.
Since we married we hadn't a good relationship bcoz he feels I have cheated him because I speak to my male friends, male colleaugues, hand shake etc buy I know it is only professionally.
He says you have less introspection, I am literally failed to convince him.Neither I like or go out with my male friends, after office either I go to temple or home. I handle all the household chores with my job.
Still he doubts & although he is saying he is liberal but genetically the suspicous mindset comes naturally in his behavior.
And also he didn't want to start the family, still I accept it. He never make me the nominee of his savings nor he shares about his future plannings. I always share about future, family, my salary & savings.
Just bcoz he is not keeping me as nominee I also have stopped him. After every fight, I stop talking to him for my mental peace, take my space then we sit discuss & conclude.
Now my mind is saying to move out, but I know after his father there is no one in his life to take care of him. I am disgusted with his mood & mentality. I don't know shall I listen to my heart or mind. Need your guidance.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. It’s clear that you’ve put immense effort and sacrifice into your marriage, often compromising your own needs to meet the expectations placed upon you. However, the situation you are in is both emotionally complex and mentally exhausting. Let’s carefully explore the dynamics and steps you can take.
Key Themes in Your Situation
Emotional Sacrifices vs. Trust Issues:
You’ve made significant sacrifices—distancing yourself from friends and family, adjusting to a different lifestyle, and even tolerating past mistreatment. Yet, your husband’s lack of trust and persistent suspicion continue to dominate the relationship.
Past Trauma with His Father:
The physical violence and controlling behavior from your father-in-law have left deep scars. Even though you’re willing to let him live with you again, your husband’s unusual request for a confidential divorce signals that he prioritizes his own fear of legal repercussions over building trust and stability with you.
Lack of Reciprocity:
While you share your financial plans and contribute to the household both emotionally and financially, your husband appears to withhold significant parts of his life from you. This lack of mutual transparency creates an imbalance.
Communication and Conflict:
Despite your efforts to manage conflicts through discussions and introspection, the cyclical nature of fights suggests that deeper issues—such as trust, control, and insecurity—remain unresolved.
Your Inner Conflict:
You feel torn between your empathy for his loneliness and your need to protect your mental health and autonomy. This inner struggle is a testament to your strength and compassion but also highlights the toll this relationship has taken on you.
Questions to Reflect On
What Do You Want from This Relationship?
Is this marriage providing you with emotional security, mutual respect, and a sense of partnership? Or is it mainly a source of stress and self-doubt?
Is the Current Dynamic Sustainable?
Considering the repeated conflicts, unresolved trust issues, and the request for a confidential divorce, ask yourself whether continuing in this relationship aligns with your personal growth and mental well-being.
What Do You Value Most?
Do you prioritize staying in this marriage to support your husband and his father, or do you feel the need to reclaim your independence and peace of mind?
Recommendations
Seek Clarity about the Divorce Proposal:
Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about his request for a divorce while staying together. Ask him:
“What do you believe this arrangement will solve? How do you see it benefiting both of us?”
This can help you understand his perspective and decide if it aligns with your values and goals.
Set Clear Boundaries:
If his father moves in, establish clear rules about behavior and communication. Ensure that your husband fully supports and enforces these boundaries to prevent any repeat of past violence.
Evaluate the Trust Issue:
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If your husband continues to doubt your professional interactions or friendships despite your transparency, consider whether this suspicion is something you can work through together or if it’s an inherent barrier.
Seek Professional Mediation:
Consider involving a counselor or mediator to help you both communicate more effectively. A neutral third party can help address unresolved issues, including trust, respect, and shared responsibilities.
Prioritize Your Well-Being:
You’ve been handling multiple responsibilities—work, studies, household chores, and emotional compromises. It’s essential to focus on your mental health. Taking time for self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary to make sound decisions.
Plan for Independence:
Whether you choose to stay or leave, ensure you have a solid plan for your financial and emotional independence. Keep your career and savings intact and consider leaning on trusted friends or family for support.
A Gentle Reminder
A relationship is meant to nurture, support, and inspire both partners. If it consistently drains you or leaves you questioning your worth, it’s worth reconsidering its place in your life. Empathy for your husband and his situation is admirable, but it should not come at the cost of your own peace and happiness.
Take time to reflect deeply. Whether you decide to stay and work on this relationship or move forward on your own, the choice should align with your core values and long-term well-being.
If you’d like to discuss further or need help navigating this situation, I am here to guide you.
Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal