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I'm dating a single dad, how do I set boundaries with his ex-wife?

Ravi Mittal |545 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 19, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 19, 2024Hindi

Relationship

I 32F have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. He has a young daughter from his previous marriage, and they share custody. I’ve been trying to get along with his ex-wife, but it’s been really difficult. She often contacts him for things that aren’t urgent and it feels like she’s overstepping into our relationship, especially when it comes to decisions about their daughter. I understand that they need to co-parent, but I feel like I’m always left out or made to feel uncomfortable. My boyfriend says he tries to balance everything, but sometimes I feel like his ex-wife has more influence in his life than me. How can I set healthy boundaries with her without causing tension, and how can I talk to my boyfriend about how I’m feeling without sounding like I’m being controlling?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are in a tricky spot but it is important to understand that when it comes to their child, they have the right to make decisions and ignore everyone else's, even yours. You should keep your relationship and their co-parenting situation separate. Having said that, if you think your BF's ex is overstepping, communicate that to your partner, while letting him know that it bothers you and might even create friction in your relationship. An open and honest discussion is the only way around it. If expressing your discomfort is causing tension or considered ‘controlling,’ then you need to rethink the relationship.

I am sure your partner is truly trying to balance things, but since he is dating you, he should be aware of the areas where that balance is lacking. Communication is the only way.

Hope this helps.

Relationship1Reply

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Asked by Anonymous - Apr 04, 2024Hindi

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My husbands 25 year old niece is too obsessed with him. She shares everything and discusses every bit of her work with him. They go to gym together, classes together. She is married and stays with us with her husband. Most of the time she is around and just does not give space. For eg. she keeps on asking questions to my husband or has some or the other topic to discuss. My husband is also very attentive to her every need. I don’t find this right. And it upsets me to next level. Is my feeling right? Please help.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Why are you having grown-ups who can earn and fend for themselves in your home?
You want space, then make space by politely asking them to move out. Even they need to learn to live with one another whereby the niece can rely on her husband rather than on your husband. Obviously it also suggests that your husband is either being ignorant of her fancy for him OR he's enjoying all the attention. Whatever the case, it will be healthy for both the couples here to maintain a healthy distance so discuss this with your husband and tell him how uncomfortable you feel with her around you all the time. He may call your doubt as foolish, but stay firm and request him that together you both convey to them to find a space and move out. You may even offer to search for accommodation for them so that they don't feel that they are being rudely thrown out.
But, be firm with this...

All the best!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi

Relationship

My boyfriend's ex happens to be his sister-in law's sister (first cousin). That was his first serious relationship and she had dumped him. It has been quite a few years since, but it bothers me that he is indirectly still related to her. My boyfriend's sister-in-law has a daughter (his niece) whom he loves very much. But whenever he talks to his sister in law or plays with the kid, it makes me uncomfortable. I am broadly uncomfortable with the fact that he is the uncle to the same kid his ex is aunt to. Which means they are somewhat familialy related. I have seen his ex post videos of the kid playing around in his house, which means she still gets regular updates about his household through her sister (his sister-in-law). I really don't want to get into something this complicated, but I love my boyfriend very much. He also loves the kid a lot which makes me hate myself for projecting my hate on the kid/sister-in law because they're not at fault. But it really bothers me whenever I hear the kid's voice or his sister in law's because that reminds me of his ex. I feel extremely insecure and uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with this, but I really want things to work out between my boyfriend and me. What is the solution?

Ans: It sounds like you're dealing with a complex situation that's bringing up a lot of emotions for you. It's completely natural to feel uncomfortable or insecure in a situation like this, especially when there are reminders of your partner's past relationship.

First and foremost, communication is key. Talk openly and honestly with your boyfriend about how you're feeling. Let him know that you're struggling with these emotions and that you want to find a solution together. It's important for him to understand where you're coming from and to be supportive of your feelings.

Additionally, try to focus on building trust and strengthening your relationship with your boyfriend. Remind yourself of the reasons why you love him and the bond that you share. Trust that he's committed to you and that his past relationship is just that – in the past.

It's also worth considering setting boundaries with your boyfriend's sister-in-law, particularly when it comes to sharing information about your household or your relationship with his ex. Let her know that while you appreciate her relationship with your boyfriend and her niece, you would prefer to keep certain aspects of your personal life private.

Remember, it's okay to feel the way you do, but it's important to address these feelings constructively and work towards a resolution that allows you to feel comfortable and secure in your relationship.

Anu Krishna | Answer |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi

Relationship

? rediff.com Rediff Gurus Logo Hi Anwesha | Sign Out HealthHealth MoneyMoney RelationshipRelationship CareesCareer Ask your questions about health, money, relationship or careers here Ask Anonymously You posted: My boyfriend's ex happens to be his sister-in law's sister (first cousin). That was his first serious relationship and she had dumped him. It has been quite a few years since, but it bothers me that he is indirectly still related to her. My boyfriend's sister-in-law has a daughter (his niece) whom he loves very much. But whenever he talks to his sister in law or plays with the kid, it makes me uncomfortable. I am broadly uncomfortable with the fact that he is the uncle to the same kid his ex is aunt to. Which means they are somewhat familialy related. I have seen his ex post videos of the kid playing around in his house, which means she still gets regular updates about his household through her sister (his sister-in-law). I really don't want to get into something this complicated, but I love my boyfriend very much. He also loves the kid a lot which makes me hate myself for projecting my hate on the kid/sister-in law because they're not at fault. But it really bothers me whenever I hear the kid's voice or his sister in law's because that reminds me of his ex. I feel extremely insecure and uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with this, but I really want things to work out between my boyfriend and me. What is the solution?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, this feeling ain't going away that soon as you are bordering on obsession possibly without reason.
Jealousy leading to insecurities and constantly monitoring him is only going to make it worse on you...so either you trust him or you don't...which is it going to be?
Has he given you any reason to doubt him OR is it only your fear and hate fueling it? If it's the ex coming along and bringing with it all the fears inside of you, then work at it before you make this really ugly and now it's in your hands.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion BUT how you deal with it is a choice you are going to have to make. So, start to reassure yourself by saying that it's all okay and good. Challenge your thoughts every time they crop up so that it doesn't grow large enough for you to start projecting. Talk to your boyfriend requesting him to be more patient with you if at all you snap at him for anything. But not for long as he will run out of patience.
If there is nothing going on between him and his ex, why is it taking you so much to trust him? More than a love, a relationship needs trust and understanding. Pour these into it and not only will you feel better, your boyfriend will also be more supportive of what you are going through. Trust or not; it's your choice!

All the best!

Anu Krishna | Answer |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi

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My boyfriend's ex happens to be his sister-in law's sister (first cousin). That was his first serious relationship and she had dumped him. It has been quite a few years since, but it bothers me that he is indirectly still related to her. My boyfriend's sister-in-law has a daughter (his niece) whom he loves very much. But whenever he talks to his sister in law or plays with the kid, it makes me uncomfortable. I am broadly uncomfortable with the fact that he is the uncle to the same kid his ex is aunt to. Which means they are somewhat familialy related. I have seen his ex post videos of the kid playing around in his house, which means she still gets regular updates about his household through her sister (his sister-in-law). I really don't want to get into something this complicated, but I love my boyfriend very much. He also loves the kid a lot which makes me hate myself for projecting my hate on the kid/sister-in law because they're not at fault. But it really bothers me whenever I hear the kid's voice or his sister in law's because that reminds me of his ex. I feel extremely insecure and uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with this, but I really want things to work out between my boyfriend and me. What is the solution? Please help

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your question has been answered here...
https://gurus.rediff.com/question/qdtl/relationship/gurus-logo-anwesha-sign-out-healthhealth-moneymoney-relationshiprelationship-careescareer-ask/5153476

All the best!

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