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44-Year-Old Assistant Professor with 14 Lakh Income - How to Invest?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 12, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 05, 2024Hindi
Money

hi i am working in govt university as assistant professor. my age is 44 years. my annual income 14 lakhs. i am invested only in real state through personal loan. emi 29000. no other investment has been done . i have two sons . pl suggest the investment plan for me

Ans: With an annual income of Rs 14 lakhs, your financial stability is commendable. However, your primary investment is in real estate through a personal loan, with an EMI of Rs 29,000. Having two sons also means you need to plan for their future expenses, including education and other essential needs.

Your current investment strategy, focused solely on real estate, may not be the most effective approach for long-term financial growth and security. Diversification is key to ensuring a balanced and robust financial future.

Assessing Your Investment Goals
Before diving into specific investment options, it's essential to define your financial goals. These might include:

Building a Retirement Corpus: You should plan for a comfortable retirement, given your current age of 44 years. Ideally, you would want to retire with a significant corpus that can provide a steady income post-retirement.

Children’s Education: With two sons, planning for their higher education should be a priority. Education costs are rising, and it's wise to start investing early to meet these expenses without financial strain.

Emergency Fund: Having an emergency fund is crucial. It ensures you have immediate access to funds in case of unforeseen circumstances. Typically, an emergency fund should cover 6-12 months of living expenses.

Health and Life Insurance: Adequate health and life insurance coverage is necessary to protect your family in case of any unfortunate event. This ensures that your family’s financial future is secure.

Building a Diversified Investment Portfolio
Now that you have a clear understanding of your financial goals, let’s explore how to diversify your investment portfolio beyond real estate.

1. Systematic Investment in Mutual Funds
Mutual funds offer an excellent opportunity to grow your wealth over time. They provide diversification, professional management, and a range of options to suit different risk appetites.

Equity Mutual Funds: These funds invest in stocks and have the potential for higher returns over the long term. Given your age, you can consider a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds. These funds are ideal for long-term goals like retirement and children's education.

Debt Mutual Funds: These are safer options compared to equity funds and are suitable for short to medium-term goals. They invest in fixed-income securities and provide steady returns with lower risk. Consider allocating a portion of your investments to debt funds to balance risk.

Balanced Funds: These funds invest in both equities and debt instruments, offering a balance of growth and stability. They are suitable for investors looking for moderate risk with steady returns.

Why Choose Actively Managed Funds?

Avoid index funds as they simply track the market and do not provide the expertise of a fund manager. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, are managed by experts who aim to outperform the market. This approach can potentially provide better returns, especially in a fluctuating market.

2. Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
A SIP is a disciplined way to invest regularly in mutual funds. It allows you to invest a fixed amount every month, regardless of market conditions. This strategy helps in rupee cost averaging and building a substantial corpus over time.

Given your EMI of Rs 29,000, it’s advisable to start with a SIP amount that you are comfortable with. Even a modest monthly investment can grow significantly over the years due to the power of compounding.

3. Public Provident Fund (PPF)
The PPF is a long-term savings scheme backed by the government, offering tax benefits and attractive interest rates. It is a risk-free investment option suitable for conservative investors. The PPF comes with a lock-in period of 15 years, making it ideal for building a retirement corpus or meeting long-term goals like your children’s education.

4. Term Insurance
As a responsible family person, securing your family's future is paramount. A term insurance policy provides a high life cover at an affordable premium. Ensure you have adequate term insurance that covers your family’s needs in case of your untimely demise. The coverage should be at least 10-15 times your annual income to provide sufficient financial security to your family.

5. Health Insurance
Given the rising healthcare costs, having adequate health insurance coverage is essential. Ensure you have a comprehensive health insurance policy that covers yourself and your family. You can opt for a family floater policy, which covers all members under a single plan. This will help you manage any unforeseen medical expenses without dipping into your savings.

6. Emergency Fund
If you don't already have one, start building an emergency fund immediately. This fund should be easily accessible and stored in a liquid instrument such as a savings account or liquid mutual fund. Aim to save 6-12 months of your living expenses, which will cover your family’s needs in case of emergencies like job loss or medical crises.

Steps to Implement Your Investment Plan
Now that we have discussed various investment options, here’s how you can implement this plan:

Step 1: Assess Your Monthly Budget: After accounting for your EMI, determine how much you can comfortably allocate towards investments.

Step 2: Start SIPs in Mutual Funds: Begin with a SIP in a balanced mutual fund. As you become comfortable, gradually increase the SIP amount and diversify into equity and debt funds.

Step 3: Open a PPF Account: Consider opening a PPF account and start contributing regularly. This will be part of your long-term savings plan.

Step 4: Purchase Adequate Insurance: Ensure you have both term and health insurance in place. Review your existing coverage and enhance it if necessary.

Step 5: Build an Emergency Fund: Gradually build an emergency fund by setting aside a fixed amount every month. Keep this fund liquid and accessible.

Step 6: Regularly Review Your Portfolio: Periodically review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your financial goals. Adjust your investments if necessary, based on market conditions and your risk tolerance.

Final Insights
You have already taken the first step towards financial security by investing in real estate. However, relying solely on real estate is not enough to meet your long-term goals. Diversifying your portfolio with mutual funds, PPF, and insurance will provide a balanced approach to wealth creation and risk management.

By systematically investing in mutual funds through SIPs, you can build a substantial corpus for your retirement and your children’s education. Additionally, securing adequate term and health insurance will protect your family’s future.

Remember, it's never too late to start investing. By taking these steps, you will be on the right path to achieving your financial goals and securing a comfortable future for your family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 05, 2024Hindi
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Hi sir am 41yrs old and earning 91k per month and have saving of 1 lac . I have invested 15L in M.I.S ,6.38L in equities and 5k every month in s.i.p.I have two kids , am planning to buy house after 4 years worth 50L kindly tell me any investment plan ...so that I can cover the expense of kids education and marriage
Ans: It's great to see your proactive approach towards financial planning, especially considering your children's education and marriage expenses, as well as your goal of buying a house. Here's a tailored investment plan to help you achieve your objectives:

Education Fund for Children:
Open separate education funds or investment accounts for each child to save specifically for their education expenses.
Consider investing in Equity Mutual Funds or Equity Linked Saving Schemes (ELSS) for long-term growth potential, given your investment horizon.
Start a systematic investment plan (SIP) in diversified equity funds, aiming to accumulate sufficient funds by the time your children reach college age.
Marriage Fund for Children:
Similarly, create dedicated investment accounts for your children's marriage expenses to ensure you have adequate funds when needed.
Explore a mix of equity and debt investments based on your risk tolerance and time horizon.
Consider fixed-income instruments like Public Provident Fund (PPF), Fixed Deposits (FDs), or Debt Mutual Funds for stability and capital preservation.
House Purchase Fund:
Since you plan to buy a house in four years, focus on short to medium-term investment options to accumulate the required down payment.
Consider investing in Debt Mutual Funds or Fixed Maturity Plans (FMPs) for capital protection and relatively higher returns compared to traditional savings accounts.
Evaluate your risk appetite and liquidity needs when selecting investment vehicles for your house purchase fund.
Regular Review and Adjustment:
Periodically review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals, risk tolerance, and time horizon.
Adjust your investment strategy as needed, considering changes in market conditions, personal circumstances, and goal priorities.
Emergency Fund:
Maintain a separate emergency fund equivalent to at least six months' worth of living expenses to cover unforeseen financial challenges or expenses.
Keep this fund in a liquid and easily accessible account such as a savings account or liquid mutual fund.
Consult with Financial Advisor:
Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner or investment advisor to tailor an investment plan that suits your specific goals, risk profile, and financial situation.
A professional advisor can provide personalized guidance and help you navigate the complexities of investment planning, ensuring you make informed decisions.
By implementing a structured investment plan tailored to your goals and financial circumstances, you can work towards securing your children's future education and marriage expenses while also saving for your own house purchase. Stay disciplined in your savings and investment approach, and regularly monitor your progress towards achieving these important milestones

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 20, 2024

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I am 36 yrs , working as a educator in govt college getting in hand 80k/month ,sip of 4500 ,pls suggest best investment plan for children higher education and corpus of 2 cr till 55
Ans: Planning for Your Children's Higher Education and Building a ?2 Crore Corpus
Understanding Your Goals and Current Financial Situation
Congratulations on prioritizing your children's education and financial security. With your dedication and a well-structured plan, achieving a corpus of ?2 crore by the age of 55 is feasible.

Compliments on Your Responsible Approach
Your commitment to securing your children's future education is commendable. Your proactive approach to financial planning will undoubtedly benefit your family in the long run.

Evaluating Investment Options
SIP Investment:

Currently investing ?4,500 per month.
Consider increasing SIP amount gradually to align with your target corpus.
Income and Expenses:

Monthly in-hand income: ?80,000.
Assess your monthly expenses to identify surplus funds for investment.
Investment Horizon and Risk Profile:

Goal: Achieve ?2 crore corpus by age 55.
With a long-term horizon, a balanced approach with moderate risk is advisable.
Tailored Investment Strategies
Education Fund for Children:

Open a dedicated education fund for each child.
Allocate a portion of your monthly surplus towards these funds.
Diversified Investment Portfolio:

Consider a mix of equity, debt, and hybrid mutual funds.
Aim for a diversified portfolio to mitigate risk and optimize returns.
Systematic Investment Planning (SIP):

Increase SIP contributions annually to align with your financial goals.
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio as needed.
Tax-Efficient Investments:

Explore tax-saving investment options like ELSS funds to optimize tax benefits.
Utilize tax-saving instruments effectively to maximize returns.
Emergency Fund Provision:

Maintain a separate emergency fund equivalent to at least 6-12 months of expenses.
Ensure liquidity to cover unforeseen expenses without impacting your investment corpus.
Monitoring and Reviewing Your Plan
Regular Portfolio Review:

Assess your portfolio's performance at least annually.
Make adjustments based on changing market conditions and financial goals.
Education Fund Tracking:

Monitor the growth of your children's education funds.
Adjust contributions as necessary to ensure they remain on track.
Financial Advisor Consultation:

Consider consulting a certified financial planner periodically.
Get personalized advice on optimizing your investment strategy.
Conclusion
By adopting a disciplined approach to investing and gradually increasing your SIP contributions, you can achieve your goal of building a ?2 crore corpus for your children's education and your retirement. Stay focused, review your progress regularly, and make informed decisions to ensure financial security for your family's future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 08, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 45 years earning 2.1laf per month and investment is 20K per month MF since last six months. PPF(18 lakhs) NpS(7Lakhs)and HDFC policy (9 lakhs) and PF 38 lakhs are my savings still today. I have 2 twin boys studying 2nd standard. Please suggest investment plan for my son's education and retirement plan.
Ans: Understanding Your Financial Position
First, let me appreciate your disciplined approach to saving and investing. You earn Rs. 2.1 lakh per month and already invest Rs. 20,000 per month in mutual funds. Your existing savings in PPF (Rs. 18 lakhs), NPS (Rs. 7 lakhs), an HDFC policy (Rs. 9 lakhs), and PF (Rs. 38 lakhs) are commendable. This demonstrates a strong foundation for future financial goals, including your sons' education and your retirement.

Evaluating Your Current Investments
Your current investments provide a mix of safety, tax benefits, and potential growth. Here’s a breakdown:

Public Provident Fund (PPF): With Rs. 18 lakhs, PPF offers tax-free returns and safety. However, its long lock-in period limits liquidity.

National Pension System (NPS): With Rs. 7 lakhs, NPS is good for retirement due to its low-cost structure and tax benefits. But, it's not very liquid and has some equity market exposure.

HDFC Policy: The Rs. 9 lakhs in the HDFC policy should be carefully reviewed. Often, investment-cum-insurance policies offer lower returns due to high charges. You might consider surrendering this policy and reallocating the funds to higher-yielding investments.

Provident Fund (PF): Your PF savings of Rs. 38 lakhs are a solid, risk-free investment with decent returns and tax benefits. This forms a crucial part of your retirement corpus.

Investment Plan for Your Sons' Education
Given your sons are in 2nd standard, you have around 15 years before they start higher education. This time frame allows for a balanced investment strategy that maximises growth while managing risk. Here’s a structured plan:

Step 1: Estimating Future Education Costs
Education costs are rising, and it's crucial to estimate future expenses accurately. Assuming an annual inflation rate of 6% for education costs, let’s calculate the future cost of a four-year course.

Let's assume the current cost of a good quality higher education is around Rs. 10 lakhs per year.

Using the formula for compound interest, Future Value (FV) = Present Value (PV) * (1 + r)^n

Where:

PV = Rs. 10 lakhs
r = 6% (0.06)
n = 15 years
FV = 10,00,000 * (1 + 0.06)^15 = Rs. 23,96,000 approximately per year

For a four-year course, you will need roughly Rs. 95,84,000 for each son, totalling Rs. 1.92 crores.

Step 2: Investment Strategy
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in Mutual Funds: Continue your current SIPs and gradually increase them as your income grows. Actively managed funds can offer better returns compared to index funds, as professional fund managers aim to outperform the market.

Diversification: Spread investments across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. This will balance risk and growth potential.

Equity-Oriented Child Plans: Consider mutual fund schemes specifically designed for children's future needs. These plans often have a lock-in period, ensuring disciplined saving.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY): If your sons were daughters, SSY would be an excellent choice for secure, tax-free returns. Instead, look for similar secure options tailored for boys.

Regular Review: Monitor the performance of your investments annually. Adjust the portfolio based on market conditions and changing financial goals.

Retirement Planning
Retirement planning requires a detailed assessment of future expenses, inflation, and life expectancy. Given your current age of 45, you likely have 15-20 years before retirement. Here’s a structured approach:

Step 1: Estimating Retirement Corpus
Estimate your monthly expenses post-retirement. Assuming your current monthly expense is Rs. 1 lakh, and you expect to maintain the same lifestyle:

Consider an inflation rate of 6%.

Using the formula for compound interest, FV = PV * (1 + r)^n

Where:

PV = Rs. 1 lakh
r = 6% (0.06)
n = 20 years (till retirement)
FV = 1,00,000 * (1 + 0.06)^20 = Rs. 3,21,000 approximately per month

You’ll need to plan for at least 20 years post-retirement. Thus, your annual requirement would be Rs. 3.21 lakhs * 12 = Rs. 38.52 lakhs.

For 20 years, considering the inflation-adjusted returns, you will need a significant corpus.

Step 2: Building the Corpus
Increase Contributions to NPS: Enhance your NPS contributions to benefit from its long-term growth and tax benefits. Diversify your NPS portfolio to include a balanced mix of equity, corporate bonds, and government securities.

Mutual Funds: Continue with SIPs in diversified mutual funds. Increase the amount periodically. Actively managed funds with a focus on blue-chip stocks can offer stability and growth.

Public Provident Fund (PPF): Continue contributing to PPF for its tax-free, secure returns. The long-term nature of PPF aligns well with retirement goals.

Employee Provident Fund (EPF): Maintain and possibly increase your EPF contributions if feasible. EPF offers risk-free, decent returns and is a cornerstone of retirement planning.

Health Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health insurance. Medical costs can erode your savings significantly. A robust health insurance plan safeguards your retirement corpus.

Step 3: Adjusting Investment Strategy
Reduce Equity Exposure Gradually: As you near retirement, gradually shift from equity to debt funds. This reduces risk and ensures capital preservation.

Diversify: Include debt funds, balanced funds, and government bonds in your portfolio. This provides stability and regular income post-retirement.

Review and Rebalance: Regularly review your portfolio. Rebalance it to maintain the desired asset allocation and adjust for market changes and personal financial goals.

Benefits of Investing Through Certified Financial Planners
Opting for regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) has several benefits over direct funds:

Professional Guidance: A CFP provides expert advice tailored to your financial goals, risk tolerance, and time horizon.

Regular Monitoring: CFPs monitor your portfolio regularly, making necessary adjustments to optimise returns and manage risks.

Comprehensive Planning: CFPs offer holistic financial planning, considering all aspects of your financial life, including taxes, insurance, and estate planning.

Behavioural Coaching: A CFP helps you stay disciplined and avoid emotional investment decisions, which can be detrimental to long-term goals.

Administrative Support: Managing investments can be complex. A CFP handles the paperwork, compliance, and administrative tasks, allowing you to focus on your life and career.

Final Insights
Your disciplined saving and investing habits are commendable. With a well-structured plan, you can comfortably achieve your sons' education and your retirement goals. Focus on increasing your investments gradually, diversifying your portfolio, and seeking professional guidance to optimise returns and manage risks. Remember, regular reviews and adjustments to your financial plan are crucial to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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