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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 12, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
mohan Question by mohan on Apr 11, 2024Hindi
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My son wants to invest in mutual fund at least sip 1500 rupees monthly please suggest me a good long term fund.

Ans: For a long-term investment horizon, you might consider recommending a diversified equity fund with a track record of consistent performance. Look for funds that have a good mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap stocks to spread out the risk. Additionally, choose a fund with a proven track record and a solid fund management team. Ensure that the fund aligns with your son's risk tolerance and investment objectives. It's also important to review the fund's past performance, expense ratio, and portfolio holdings before making a decision.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 24, 2024

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kindly suggest some three mutual fund long term for the age for a person of 35 having income 1,25 lakh per month wants to invest 35000 per month as he is first time investor as early as possible
Ans: For a 35-year-old first-time investor with a monthly income of 1.25 lakh and a monthly investment capacity of 35,000, here are three mutual funds suitable for long-term investment:

Large Cap Fund:
Why: These funds invest in large, well-established companies that have a track record of stable growth. They are relatively less volatile and offer a good starting point for new investors.
Potential Choice: Large Cap Equity Funds that have a consistent performance history and a low expense ratio.
Multi-Cap Fund:
Why: These funds have the flexibility to invest across market caps, i.e., in large, mid, and small-cap stocks. This diversification can help in capital appreciation while managing risk.
Potential Choice: Multi-Cap Funds that have a proven track record of delivering consistent returns across market cycles.
Balanced Advantage Fund:
Why: These funds dynamically manage the equity-debt allocation based on market valuations. In bullish markets, they can increase equity exposure, while in bearish markets, they can shift towards debt, offering a balanced approach.
Potential Choice: Balanced Advantage Funds with a disciplined investment strategy and a focus on capital preservation along with growth.
Remember to consider the fund's past performance, fund manager's experience, expense ratio, and the fund house's reputation before investing. Additionally, reviewing and rebalancing the portfolio periodically can help in aligning it with your long-term financial goals. It's advisable to consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice tailored to your financial situation and goals. Happy investing!

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

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Sir, my son is 26 years old. I would like to invest 5000/- per month in mutual fund and to be continued upto 50 years . Plz suggest suitable Mutual Fund with distribution of 5000/-. Is Index fund is good for investment ? Plz advise. rgds, Goutam
Ans: Investing for Long-Term Growth: A Comprehensive Guide

Understanding Your Investment Goals
Goutam, it's wonderful to see your commitment to your son's future. Investing Rs 5,000 per month until he is 50 years old is a prudent decision. This long-term horizon can yield significant growth through the power of compounding.

Evaluating Mutual Fund Options
Importance of Diversification
Diversification is key to managing risk and optimizing returns. Investing in different types of mutual funds can provide a balanced portfolio that captures various growth opportunities.

Equity Funds
Equity funds invest primarily in stocks. They offer high growth potential, which is ideal for long-term goals. Despite their volatility, the long-term horizon helps to smooth out short-term fluctuations.

Balanced Funds
Balanced funds invest in both equities and debt instruments. They offer a mix of growth and stability, making them a good choice for those who prefer moderate risk.

Debt Funds
Debt funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds. They provide stable returns with lower risk compared to equity funds. Including a small portion of debt funds can add stability to the portfolio.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Professional Management
Actively managed funds are managed by professional fund managers who make strategic decisions based on market research. They aim to outperform the market, providing higher returns.

Flexibility and Adaptability
Actively managed funds can adjust their portfolio in response to market conditions. This flexibility allows them to capitalize on opportunities and manage risks effectively.

Drawbacks of Index Funds
Average Market Returns
Index funds aim to match the performance of a market index. They provide average market returns, which can be limiting for long-term growth.

Lack of Professional Management
Index funds lack active management. They don't adapt to market changes, potentially missing out on opportunities for higher returns. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, leverage expert insights to maximize gains.

Recommended Mutual Fund Distribution
Equity Fund Allocation
Consider allocating Rs 3,000 per month to equity funds. This allocation taps into the growth potential of stocks. Diversifying within equity funds (large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap) can further optimize returns.

Balanced Fund Allocation
Allocate Rs 1,000 per month to balanced funds. This provides a mix of growth and stability, reducing overall portfolio risk while capturing market growth.

Debt Fund Allocation
Invest Rs 1,000 per month in debt funds. This adds stability to your portfolio, ensuring some portion of your investments remains relatively safe from market volatility.

Importance of Regular Monitoring
Periodic Portfolio Review
Regularly reviewing your portfolio is crucial. Market conditions and personal circumstances change over time. Periodic reviews help ensure your investments remain aligned with your goals.

Rebalancing
Rebalancing your portfolio maintains your desired asset allocation. It involves adjusting your investments to restore the original balance, optimizing your portfolio's performance.

Building an Emergency Fund
Financial Security
Before committing to long-term investments, ensure an adequate emergency fund. This fund should cover at least six months of living expenses. It provides a financial cushion, preventing the need to liquidate investments prematurely.

Understanding Tax Implications
Tax Efficiency
Understanding tax implications helps in maximizing returns. Some mutual funds offer tax benefits, enhancing post-tax returns. Consulting a tax expert or a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help optimize your investment strategy.

Conclusion
Goutam, your plan to invest Rs 5,000 per month for your son shows great foresight. A well-diversified portfolio with a focus on actively managed funds can maximize growth while managing risk. Regular reviews and professional guidance will ensure your investments remain aligned with your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 19, 2024

Money
Hi I want to start Mutual fund for my son for Rs 40,000 per month. Heis just 14 years for his studies and mariage. I will be retiring in 2027, November. Kindly suggest wher to invest.
Ans: Investing Rs 40,000 per month for your son's future is a great decision. Your goal is to provide for his education and marriage, which are important milestones. Here’s a comprehensive guide on where to invest, ensuring his future needs are met while you plan for your retirement in November 2027.

Understanding Your Investment Goals
Your primary goals are funding your son's education and marriage. It's essential to prioritize these goals and align your investments accordingly. Education expenses will come sooner, so you need a balanced approach. Marriage expenses are typically further out, so you can afford to take more risks with that portion.

Benefits of Mutual Funds
Mutual funds offer diversification, professional management, and liquidity. They spread risk across various assets, which can help achieve higher returns over the long term. This makes them a suitable choice for your goals.

Types of Mutual Funds to Consider
Equity Funds
Equity funds invest in stocks and aim for capital growth. They are suitable for long-term goals like your son’s marriage, which is likely more than ten years away. These funds can provide high returns but come with higher risks.

Balanced or Hybrid Funds
Balanced funds invest in a mix of equity and debt. They offer a balanced approach to growth and stability. These are suitable for medium-term goals like your son’s education, ensuring steady returns with moderate risk.

Debt Funds
Debt funds invest in fixed income securities and are lower risk. They are suitable for short-term goals or as a part of a balanced portfolio to provide stability. While they offer lower returns compared to equity funds, they help mitigate risk.

Asset Allocation Strategy
Proper asset allocation is crucial. It involves spreading your investment across different asset classes to balance risk and reward.

For Education (Medium-term Goal)
Allocate 60% to Balanced/Hybrid Funds for moderate growth and stability.

Allocate 20% to Equity Funds for higher growth potential.

Allocate 20% to Debt Funds for safety and stability.

For Marriage (Long-term Goal)
Allocate 70% to Equity Funds to maximize growth over the long term.

Allocate 20% to Balanced/Hybrid Funds for some stability.

Allocate 10% to Debt Funds to reduce overall risk.

Regular Monitoring and Rebalancing
Investment performance should be reviewed at least annually. This helps ensure your portfolio remains aligned with your goals. Rebalancing involves adjusting your investments to maintain the desired asset allocation. It’s essential to stay flexible and adjust based on market conditions and personal financial changes.

Risk Management
Understanding and managing risk is crucial in investing. Equity investments can be volatile, but their potential for higher returns makes them suitable for long-term goals. Balancing this with more stable investments like debt funds helps manage overall risk. It’s also important to have an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses, ensuring you don't need to withdraw from your investments prematurely.

Tax Efficiency
Investing in tax-efficient funds can help you maximize returns. Equity funds held for more than a year qualify for long-term capital gains tax, which is lower than short-term rates. Debt funds held for more than three years also get long-term tax benefits. Consulting a certified financial planner can help you navigate the tax implications effectively.

SIP for Disciplined Investing
Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly. SIPs instill discipline and reduce the impact of market volatility. Investing Rs 40,000 per month through SIPs ensures regular savings and takes advantage of rupee cost averaging, helping you buy more units when prices are low and fewer when prices are high.

The Role of a Certified Financial Planner
A certified financial planner (CFP) can provide personalized advice, considering your specific financial situation and goals. They can help you choose the right mutual funds, ensure proper asset allocation, and adjust your plan as needed. A CFP can also assist in understanding the fine print and managing risks effectively.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds Over Index Funds
Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market through expert stock selection and timing. While index funds simply replicate market indices, actively managed funds can potentially offer higher returns through professional management. They can adapt to market changes and capitalize on opportunities, making them more suitable for achieving specific financial goals.

Avoiding Direct Funds
Direct funds might seem appealing due to lower fees, but they require more active involvement and expertise. Investing through a CFP and opting for regular funds ensures professional guidance and management, which can significantly enhance your investment outcomes. The slight increase in cost is often outweighed by the benefits of expert advice and support.

Investing in Children's Education
Education costs are rising, so it’s vital to plan well. Mutual funds can provide the necessary growth to keep up with these costs. Choosing funds with a good track record and aligning them with your time horizon is key. Balanced and hybrid funds can offer a mix of growth and stability, making them ideal for medium-term goals like education.

Investing in Marriage Expenses
Marriage expenses can be significant. Long-term investments in equity funds can help grow your corpus over time. Starting early and staying invested allows you to benefit from compounding returns, making it easier to meet these expenses when the time comes.

Retirement Planning
While your primary focus is on your son's future, don’t neglect your retirement planning. Ensure that your investments also account for your retirement needs. Balanced funds can provide growth and stability, while debt funds can offer safety. A CFP can help integrate your retirement planning with your overall financial goals.

Financial Discipline and Regular Savings
Regular savings and disciplined investing are crucial. Automate your investments through SIPs to ensure consistency. Avoid the temptation to time the market; instead, stay focused on your long-term goals. Regular savings and disciplined investing can lead to substantial wealth accumulation over time.

Insurance Considerations
Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance. This protects your family’s financial future in case of unforeseen events. Avoid investment-cum-insurance policies like ULIPs, which can have high costs and lower returns compared to mutual funds. Pure protection plans, like term insurance, offer higher coverage at a lower cost.

Estate Planning
Estate planning ensures your assets are distributed according to your wishes. Create a will and consider setting up trusts if necessary. This can provide peace of mind and ensure your son’s future is secure even if something happens to you.

Education on Financial Literacy
Educate your son on financial literacy. This can empower him to make informed decisions in the future. Teach him the basics of saving, investing, and managing money wisely. Financial literacy is a valuable skill that will benefit him throughout his life.

Understanding Market Cycles
Markets go through cycles of growth and decline. Understanding these cycles can help manage expectations and reduce anxiety during downturns. Staying invested during market lows can lead to substantial gains when the market recovers. Patience and long-term perspective are essential in investing.

Diversification
Diversification reduces risk by spreading investments across different assets. Avoid putting all your money in one type of investment. By diversifying, you protect your portfolio from significant losses and increase the potential for returns.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This provides a financial cushion for unexpected expenses or job loss, ensuring you don't need to dip into your investments prematurely.

Keeping Updated with Financial News
Stay informed about financial news and trends. This helps you make informed decisions and adjust your strategy as needed. However, avoid making impulsive decisions based on short-term market movements.

Regular Review and Adjustment
Review your investment plan regularly. Life circumstances and financial markets change, so your plan may need adjustments. A CFP can help ensure your plan remains aligned with your goals and adjusts as needed.

Final Insights
Investing for your son’s future is a wise and thoughtful decision. By choosing the right mutual funds, maintaining proper asset allocation, and staying disciplined, you can achieve your financial goals. Regular monitoring, risk management, and professional guidance are crucial for success. Keep educating yourself and your son about financial matters to make informed decisions.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Money
Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
Ans: Hi,

You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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