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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 09, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 11, 2024Hindi
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Hi Vivek, We are 43 y/o couple without kids, and plan to retire by 55. I want to aggressively invest for our retirement. I earn 4.5L p/m and our expenses are 75K. We have 9L in shares, 10L in Gold Bonds, 20L in corporate FDs, 40L in EPF, a paidup house and 10L in NPS. We have 1.2Cr in bank account earning 7% interest. Can you help us invest better, we can aggressively invest aroud 2L, which MF should we further invest in to comfortably retire?

Ans: Hi Vivek,
It's fantastic to see your proactive approach to retirement planning. With a clear goal of retiring by 55 and a solid financial foundation, you're well-positioned to achieve your aspirations. Let's explore how we can optimize your investments to support your retirement plans:
1. Assessing Your Current Portfolio: You've built a diverse portfolio with investments in shares, gold bonds, corporate FDs, EPF, NPS, and bank deposits. This demonstrates a prudent approach to wealth accumulation and risk management.
2. Identifying Investment Opportunities: Given your goal of aggressive investing, we can consider allocating a portion of your investable surplus to equity mutual funds. Equity funds have the potential for higher returns over the long term, although they come with higher volatility.
3. Choosing Suitable Mutual Funds: When selecting mutual funds, it's essential to consider factors such as your risk tolerance, investment horizon, and financial goals. We can explore options across different categories like large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds to diversify your portfolio effectively.
4. Setting Realistic Expectations: While investing aggressively can potentially accelerate wealth accumulation, it's crucial to remain mindful of market risks and volatility. A disciplined approach to investing and periodic portfolio reviews are key to staying on track towards your retirement goals.
5. Monitoring and Reviewing: Regularly monitor the performance of your investments and reassess your financial plan as needed. Adjustments may be necessary based on changes in market conditions, economic outlook, or personal circumstances.
Remember, achieving financial independence requires patience, discipline, and a long-term perspective. By working together to craft a tailored investment strategy, we can help you navigate towards a comfortable retirement.
Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 15, 2024Hindi
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Hi Dev, We are 43 y/o couple without kids, and plan to retire by 55. I want to aggressively invest for our retirement. I earn 4.5L p/m and our expenses are 75K. We have 9L in shares, 10L in Gold Bonds, 20L in corporate FDs, 40L in EPF, a paidup house and 10L in NPS. We have 1.2Cr in bank account earning 7% interest. Can you help us invest better, we can aggressively invest aroud 2L, which MF should we further invest in to comfortably retire?
Ans: Given your aggressive retirement goal, let's optimize your investment strategy:

Asset Allocation: Review your current asset allocation to ensure it aligns with your retirement timeline and risk tolerance. Since retirement is your primary goal, consider gradually shifting towards a more conservative allocation as you approach retirement age.
Equity Investments: With a 12-year horizon until retirement, you can afford to have a significant allocation to equity mutual funds. Focus on diversified equity funds across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap segments to maximize growth potential.
Debt Investments: While equity provides growth potential, consider debt funds for stability and regular income. Short to medium-term debt funds or dynamic asset allocation funds can be suitable for this purpose.
Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs): Since you have a monthly surplus of 2L, consider starting SIPs in mutual funds to harness the power of compounding. Allocate a portion of this surplus to equity SIPs and another portion to debt SIPs based on your risk appetite.
Tax Planning: Evaluate tax-saving investment options like Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS) to optimize tax efficiency while also contributing towards your retirement corpus.
Regular Review: Periodically review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your retirement goals, risk tolerance, and market conditions. Adjust your asset allocation and investment strategy as needed.
Professional Advice: Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to develop a personalized retirement plan tailored to your specific financial situation, goals, and risk profile.
Remember, achieving your retirement goal requires disciplined investing, regular review, and staying focused on your long-term objectives. By making informed investment decisions and staying committed to your financial plan, you can work towards a comfortable retirement.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 15, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello, I am Avinash 40 year old IT professional and wishes to retire in next 5-10 years. I do have 38 lakh MF investments, I stay in own house on bangalore. I do not have any liabilities. I have 45 lakh worth EPS and 20 lakh worth PPF. Invested in NPS both tier 1 and 2 for 5 lakh each. I do have SGB worth 6 lakh. But I do have 50 lakh amount invested in FD. I want to invest some amount to invest to other asset class may be equity. I want to retire with corpus of 4 cr and my monthly expenditure in 50k. Pls guide.
Ans: Dear Avinash,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your financial details and retirement goals. It’s impressive that you have planned your finances well and have a clear vision for your future. Let’s analyze your current situation and chart a strategic path towards achieving your retirement corpus of Rs 4 crore, while also ensuring a smooth retirement with monthly expenses of Rs 50,000.

Understanding Your Current Financial Landscape
You have diversified your investments across various asset classes, which is commendable. Let's break down your current financial standing:

Mutual Funds: Rs 38 lakh
EPS: Rs 45 lakh
PPF: Rs 20 lakh
NPS: Rs 10 lakh (5 lakh each in Tier 1 and 2)
Sovereign Gold Bonds (SGB): Rs 6 lakh
Fixed Deposits (FDs): Rs 50 lakh
Your total current investments amount to Rs 169 lakh (1.69 crore). You have no liabilities, which is a strong position to be in.

Evaluating Your Investment Portfolio
Mutual Funds
Your Rs 38 lakh investment in mutual funds is a solid foundation. Given your retirement timeline of 5-10 years, it’s crucial to ensure your mutual funds are aligned with your risk tolerance and retirement goals. Active management of these funds can offer potential benefits over index funds. Actively managed funds, run by experienced fund managers, can adapt to market conditions and potentially outperform benchmarks. This flexibility can be advantageous in achieving higher returns, essential for meeting your retirement target.

EPS and PPF
Your EPS of Rs 45 lakh and PPF of Rs 20 lakh are stable, low-risk investments providing security and tax benefits. However, they may not offer the high returns needed to reach your Rs 4 crore goal. The PPF, with its assured returns and tax benefits, should continue to be part of your portfolio, but relying solely on these for growth could be limiting.

NPS
The NPS is another excellent retirement tool, offering a mix of equity and debt exposure. Given your contributions, it’s vital to ensure that the asset allocation within your NPS is optimal. Typically, the equity portion of NPS can offer higher returns compared to its debt counterpart, but it's essential to balance it according to your risk tolerance.

Sovereign Gold Bonds
Your Rs 6 lakh investment in SGBs is a good hedge against inflation and market volatility. However, gold typically offers moderate returns compared to equities and should be a part of a diversified portfolio rather than a core growth driver.

Fixed Deposits
You have Rs 50 lakh in fixed deposits, which are safe but offer lower returns compared to other investment avenues like equities or actively managed mutual funds. To achieve your retirement goal, it might be beneficial to redirect a portion of these funds into higher-yielding investments.

Strategic Recommendations for Achieving Rs 4 Crore
Diversify into Equity Mutual Funds
Given your Rs 50 lakh in FDs, consider reallocating a significant portion to equity mutual funds. Equity mutual funds, especially actively managed ones, have the potential to provide higher returns over the long term. While FDs offer safety, the low returns may not suffice to reach your Rs 4 crore target. Actively managed equity mutual funds, with professional fund managers, can navigate market complexities better and aim for higher growth.

Optimize Your NPS Allocation
Review and possibly adjust your NPS Tier 1 and Tier 2 allocations to ensure a higher equity component. This can enhance the growth potential of your NPS contributions. Given the tax benefits and long-term growth prospects of NPS, a higher equity allocation can significantly impact your retirement corpus positively.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Periodic review and rebalancing of your portfolio are essential. Market conditions change, and so should your investment strategy. By regularly assessing your portfolio, you can ensure it remains aligned with your goals and risk tolerance. This proactive approach can help in mitigating risks and capitalizing on growth opportunities.

Consider Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity mutual funds can be an excellent way to enter the market gradually, reducing the impact of market volatility. With Rs 50 lakh in FDs, you can systematically transfer a portion into SIPs. This disciplined approach can harness the power of compounding and rupee cost averaging, enhancing your portfolio’s growth potential.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Ensure that a part of your FDs or a separate liquid fund acts as an emergency fund. This fund should cover at least 6-12 months of your monthly expenses. Having a robust emergency fund ensures that you do not have to dip into your retirement corpus for unexpected expenses, maintaining the integrity of your long-term financial plans.

Addressing Potential Concerns and Misconceptions
Disadvantages of Index Funds
While index funds are often lauded for their low costs and simplicity, they lack the flexibility of actively managed funds. Index funds are designed to match market returns, not exceed them. In a volatile market, actively managed funds have the advantage of making strategic moves to potentially outperform the index. Therefore, in your case, actively managed equity funds might be a better choice to achieve your ambitious retirement goal.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct mutual funds, while having lower expense ratios, require a good understanding of the market and regular monitoring. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide professional expertise and guidance. A CFP can help in selecting the right funds, regular monitoring, and making necessary adjustments based on market conditions and your changing financial goals. The added value of professional advice often outweighs the cost difference between direct and regular funds.

Ensuring a Comfortable Retirement
Monthly Withdrawal Strategy
Post-retirement, it’s crucial to have a systematic withdrawal strategy to manage your Rs 50,000 monthly expenses without depleting your corpus prematurely. An SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan) in mutual funds can provide a regular income stream while keeping your corpus invested and growing. This strategy can ensure a steady cash flow while your investments continue to appreciate.

Inflation and Tax Considerations
Your retirement plan should factor in inflation and taxes. The Rs 50,000 monthly expense today will increase over time due to inflation. Therefore, your investments should grow at a rate higher than inflation. Additionally, tax-efficient investment strategies can help in maximizing your returns. For instance, long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds are taxed favorably compared to interest income from FDs.

Healthcare and Insurance
Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage. Medical expenses can significantly impact your retirement corpus. A comprehensive health insurance policy can safeguard your investments. Additionally, if you hold any investment-cum-insurance policies like LIC or ULIPs, consider surrendering them and reinvesting the proceeds into mutual funds. These policies often offer lower returns and higher costs compared to pure investment options.

Final Insights
Achieving your goal of a Rs 4 crore retirement corpus is ambitious yet achievable with strategic planning and disciplined investing. By diversifying your portfolio into actively managed equity mutual funds, optimizing your NPS allocation, and systematically transferring funds from low-yield FDs, you can enhance your portfolio's growth potential. Regular reviews and professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner can further align your investments with your retirement goals.

Remember, retirement planning is not just about accumulating a corpus but also ensuring a steady, inflation-adjusted income post-retirement. By following a strategic approach and making informed decisions, you can look forward to a comfortable and financially secure retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Money
Dear Mr.Arora I am 43yrs old with one son at 8. Wife is working with 13LPA ( may work only for next 5 yrs). We are in Hyderabad. Myself employed with 25LPA. We both have term Insurance of 2 & 1Cr resp. I have one flat of 0.7Cr and recently procured 1.5Cr flat and small piece of lant in village. Paying Ulip-SIP last 5yrs for 25Kpm & still to pay for 10yrs. My total passive income is 30Kpm. House Exp 70K & EMI 60Kpm. Family tour 0.5L/Yr . Presently i have 5L on MF/Equity & FD is 25L. I want to invest 50L each in MF & Shares , boost FD from 25 to 100L in next 12-15 yrs & 1Kg GOLD ( No fixed time period), Emergency liquid cash of 15-20L at the time of retirement. I m planning financial retirement at 55. Pls suggest your opinion to adopt best possible way of saving & investment. Thank you
Ans: Dear Mr. Arora,

Thank you for sharing the details of your financial situation. Your current setup reflects a solid foundation with both you and your wife earning well, alongside having substantial assets and insurance coverage. Your long-term goals and aspirations indicate a keen interest in securing a stable and prosperous future for your family. I understand the importance of making informed and strategic financial decisions, especially when planning for an early retirement. Let's dive into a detailed analysis and recommendations tailored to your needs.

Income and Expenses Analysis
Income:

Your combined annual income stands at Rs 38 LPA (Rs 25 LPA for you and Rs 13 LPA for your wife).

Passive income is Rs 30,000 per month.

Expenses:

Monthly household expenses are Rs 70,000.

EMI payments for the newly procured flat amount to Rs 60,000 per month.

Annual family tour expenses are Rs 50,000.

This analysis indicates a strong cash flow with significant income and manageable expenses. The goal is to optimize your investments and savings to meet your future goals.

Insurance and Protection
You have term insurance of Rs 2 crore for yourself and Rs 1 crore for your wife. This is a prudent measure ensuring financial protection for your family in case of any unforeseen events. It's crucial to review your coverage periodically to ensure it aligns with your current financial responsibilities and liabilities.

Asset Allocation
Current Assets:

Flat worth Rs 70 lakh.

New flat worth Rs 1.5 crore.

Small piece of land in the village.

Investments:

ULIP-SIP of Rs 25,000 per month, with 10 years remaining.

Mutual funds/equity investments of Rs 5 lakh.

Fixed deposits of Rs 25 lakh.

Passive income of Rs 30,000 per month.

You have a diversified asset base, including real estate, ULIPs, mutual funds, equity, and fixed deposits. However, for better returns and liquidity, focusing on mutual funds and equities over the long term can be more beneficial.

Goals and Objectives
Your financial goals include:

Investing Rs 50 lakh each in mutual funds and shares.

Increasing your fixed deposits from Rs 25 lakh to Rs 1 crore over the next 12-15 years.

Acquiring 1 kg of gold.

Maintaining emergency liquid cash of Rs 15-20 lakh at retirement.

Planning for financial retirement at 55.

Investment Strategies
Mutual Funds and Equities
Investing Rs 50 lakh each in mutual funds and equities is a sound strategy for wealth accumulation. Here are some recommendations:

Diversified Equity Funds: Actively managed funds can outperform index funds by leveraging market opportunities. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) ensures professional management and alignment with your risk profile.

Blue-chip Stocks: Investing in shares of well-established companies with a history of stable returns and growth potential.

Sector Funds: Allocating a portion to sectors expected to grow, such as technology or healthcare, can yield higher returns.

Fixed Deposits
Increasing your fixed deposits to Rs 1 crore over the next 12-15 years ensures stability and security. Consider the following:

Laddering Strategy: Staggering your fixed deposit investments over different maturities to manage interest rate fluctuations and provide periodic liquidity.

High-Interest Accounts: Opt for banks or financial institutions offering higher interest rates for long-term deposits.

Gold Investment
Acquiring 1 kg of gold is a long-term goal. Gold can act as a hedge against inflation and currency fluctuations. You can achieve this through:

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Regularly investing small amounts in gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds.

Physical Gold: Purchasing gold coins or bars periodically.

Emergency Fund
Maintaining an emergency fund of Rs 15-20 lakh at retirement is crucial. This fund should be easily accessible and kept in liquid instruments such as:

Savings Accounts: High-interest savings accounts offer liquidity and some returns.

Liquid Mutual Funds: These funds provide higher returns than savings accounts while maintaining liquidity.

ULIP and Insurance Policies
You mentioned paying ULIP-SIP for the last five years with ten years remaining. ULIPs often have higher charges and lower returns compared to mutual funds. Consider the following options:

Review ULIP Performance: Assess the performance and charges of your ULIP. If the returns are not satisfactory, it might be beneficial to surrender the policy and reinvest in mutual funds.

Term Insurance: Ensure your term insurance coverage is adequate and consider increasing it if needed. Avoid mixing insurance and investment; keep them separate for better returns and protection.

Retirement Planning
Planning for retirement at 55 requires a strategic approach to ensure financial independence and stability. Here are some key steps:

Retirement Corpus Calculation: Estimate the amount needed to sustain your lifestyle post-retirement. Consider factors like inflation, life expectancy, and medical expenses.

Regular Savings and Investments: Continue regular investments in mutual funds, equities, and fixed deposits. Increasing your SIP amounts periodically can help grow your retirement corpus.

Review and Rebalance Portfolio: Periodically review your investment portfolio with a CFP to ensure it aligns with your retirement goals and risk appetite.

Passive Income Enhancement
Your current passive income of Rs 30,000 per month is a great start. Enhancing passive income streams can provide additional security. Consider the following:

Dividend Yielding Stocks: Invest in companies with a history of paying consistent dividends.

Rental Income: If possible, rent out your properties for additional income.

Interest Income: Utilize interest from fixed deposits and bonds.

Comprehensive Financial Review
It's essential to conduct a comprehensive financial review periodically. This includes:

Assessing Goals: Ensure your financial goals remain relevant and adjust them as needed.

Tracking Progress: Monitor the performance of your investments and savings.

Adjusting Strategies: Make necessary adjustments to your investment strategies based on market conditions and personal circumstances.

Tax Planning
Effective tax planning is crucial to maximize your savings. Consider the following:

Tax-Saving Investments: Invest in tax-saving instruments under Section 80C, such as ELSS mutual funds, PPF, and NSC.

Health Insurance: Premiums paid for health insurance are eligible for deduction under Section 80D.

Tax Harvesting: Utilize tax harvesting strategies to minimize capital gains tax on your investments.


I commend your proactive approach to financial planning. You have a clear vision for your future and have already made significant strides in securing your family's financial well-being. Your disciplined savings and investments demonstrate a strong commitment to your goals.


Planning for early retirement and ensuring a comfortable lifestyle for your family is a significant undertaking. It's understandable to seek the best possible strategies to achieve these objectives. I appreciate the trust you place in seeking professional guidance.

Final Insights
Your financial journey is on a solid path, and with strategic planning and disciplined execution, you can achieve your goals. Regularly reviewing your financial plan with a Certified Financial Planner will ensure you stay on track and adapt to any changes in your circumstances. Focus on optimizing your investments in mutual funds and equities, enhancing your passive income streams, and maintaining a robust emergency fund. With a comprehensive approach, you can secure a prosperous future for yourself and your family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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