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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 03, 2024Hindi
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I am an NRI moved back to India. I have farmhouse and farm with 12 acres (no income now and building with agroforestry and permaculture concepts - invested about 2 crore ) , a landed property worth 85 to 90 lacs, cash of about 6 crores. Having a job with salary of 78 lacs per anum. My expenses would be 2 lacs per month and wanted to keep aside 1 crore for my son's higher education ( in 9th grade now and may go to overseas for studies). How can generate passive income with less risk investments and plan to retire may be in 4 years. Right now i am 42

Ans: Understanding Your Financial Situation
You have a diversified asset base including a farmhouse, land, cash reserves, and a well-paying job.

You also have significant expenses and plans for your son's education.

Planning for Education
Set aside Rs. 1 crore in a safe, low-risk investment for your son's education.

Consider options like fixed deposits, debt funds, or bonds.

Generating Passive Income
Passive income can be generated through various low-risk investments.

Fixed Deposits: They offer stable returns with low risk.

Debt Mutual Funds: These funds invest in bonds and fixed income securities.

Government Bonds: Safe and provide fixed returns.

Monthly Income Needs
You need Rs. 2 lakhs per month for expenses.

This translates to Rs. 24 lakhs per year.

Income from Investments
To generate Rs. 24 lakhs annually, invest in low-risk options.

Assume an average return of 6%.

You need a corpus of Rs. 4 crores invested at 6% to generate Rs. 24 lakhs per year.

Allocation of Rs. 6 Crores
You have Rs. 6 crores in cash.

Step 1: Set aside Rs. 1 crore for your son's education.

Step 2: Invest Rs. 4 crores in low-risk options to generate passive income.

Step 3: Keep Rs. 1 crore as an emergency fund.

Investment Options
Fixed Deposits: Safe, offer guaranteed returns.

Debt Mutual Funds: Diversified and managed by professionals.

Government Bonds: Very safe with assured returns.

Balanced Approach
A combination of fixed deposits, debt mutual funds, and government bonds balances safety and returns.

Professional Guidance
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) ensures professional management.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Time-Consuming: Direct funds need constant monitoring.

Lack of Guidance: Without expert advice, you may miss crucial opportunities.

Benefits of Regular Funds
Professional Management: Regular funds are managed by experts.

Convenience: Saves time and provides professional insights.

Preparing for Retirement
You plan to retire in 4 years at age 46.

Ensure your investments generate enough passive income.

Inflation Consideration
Factor in inflation while planning for future expenses.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund of at least Rs. 1 crore.

This provides financial security against unforeseen circumstances.

Tax Planning
Consider tax implications of your investments.

Tax-Free Bonds: Offer tax-free returns.

Debt Funds: More tax-efficient compared to fixed deposits.

Regular Review
Review your portfolio regularly with a CFP.

Conclusion
Your financial situation is strong with diverse assets and income sources.

Focus on low-risk investments to generate passive income.

Plan for your son's education and maintain an emergency fund.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 16, 2024Hindi
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I am 56 year old Monthly income is 50K i.e pension. Presently I am investing 20 K in SIP, corpus is 20 lacs. PPF 15Lacs. Bank FDs 40 lacs, 2 resedential Plots worth 1.25Cr. 01 daughter She is MBBS and doing MD from Govt Medical College. I have my own house, no loans. I feel there should more income through passive mode. Kindly suggest is this invesment are ok and what are available avenues/opportunities for me to generate passive income.
Ans: First, congratulations on your well-managed finances. With a stable pension income, significant investments in SIPs, PPF, and FDs, and valuable real estate, you have a solid financial foundation.
Evaluating Your Investments
Monthly Income and Savings
1. Pension: You receive a monthly pension of ?50,000.
2. SIP Investment: You invest ?20,000 monthly in SIPs, which is a commendable practice for long-term growth.
Existing Corpus
1. Mutual Fund Corpus: Your SIPs have built a corpus of ?20 lakhs.
2. PPF Investment: You have ?15 lakhs in PPF, offering stable, tax-free returns.
3. Fixed Deposits: You have ?40 lakhs in bank FDs, providing secure but lower returns.
Real Estate Holdings
1. Residential Plots: Your two residential plots are worth ?1.25 crores, a significant asset.
2. Own House: You have your own house, ensuring no rental expenses.
Enhancing Passive Income
To increase passive income, consider the following strategies:
Rebalancing Your Portfolio
1. Diversify Investments: While FDs and PPFs are safe, they offer lower returns. Consider reallocating some funds to higher-yield investments.
2. Mutual Funds: Continue with SIPs, but explore equity-oriented balanced funds for higher returns with managed risk.
Exploring Dividend-Paying Investments
1. Dividend Stocks: Invest in blue-chip companies with a history of paying consistent dividends. This provides regular income and potential capital appreciation.
2. Debt Mutual Funds: Consider debt funds that offer better returns than FDs with moderate risk.
Real Estate Income
While not suggesting real estate as a primary investment, consider leveraging your existing assets:
1. Rent Out Plots: If feasible, rent out the residential plots for additional income.
2. REITs: Consider investing in Real Estate Investment Trusts (REITs) for regular income without the hassle of managing properties.
Fixed Income Instruments
1. Senior Citizens' Saving Scheme (SCSS): This scheme offers higher interest rates for senior citizens and provides regular income.
2. Monthly Income Plans (MIPs): Invest in MIPs offered by mutual funds that provide monthly dividends, ensuring a steady income stream.
Reviewing and Adjusting Investments
1. Consult a CFP: Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner to ensure it aligns with your financial goals.
2. Stay Updated: Keep informed about new investment opportunities and adjust your portfolio accordingly.
Considering Risks and Returns
1. Balanced Approach: Maintain a balance between risk and return by diversifying across various asset classes.
2. Risk Management: Ensure a portion of your portfolio remains in low-risk investments to safeguard against market volatility.
Planning for Future Expenses
1. Medical Expenses: With your daughter pursuing MD, future medical expenses should be planned for, possibly through a dedicated health fund.
2. Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to at least six months of expenses.
Conclusion
Your financial strategy is commendable, and you have built a robust portfolio. To enhance passive income, consider diversifying into higher-yield investments while maintaining a balanced risk approach. Regular reviews and adjustments with the help of a Certified Financial Planner will ensure your investments remain aligned with your goals.
Genuine Compliments and Appreciation
Your diligent financial planning is impressive and sets a great example. Your commitment to securing your financial future and providing for your family is truly admirable.
Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 01, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello mam, The question is for my cousin. He is 35 years old and married. He is having 2 children. He is having a corpus of 10 lakhs in hand. Can you please suggest some investment idea to generate passive income
Ans: Your cousin, at 35 years old, is at a pivotal stage in life. With a spouse and two children, his financial decisions impact not just his future but also his family's well-being. His current corpus of Rs 10 lakhs is a good starting point, but he needs a strategy that ensures long-term security and steady growth. The goal here is to generate passive income without exposing the corpus to undue risk.

Importance of Financial Planning
A well-thought-out financial plan is key to achieving passive income. Since he has a family, his investments must balance safety, growth, and income. Investing without a plan might yield short-term gains but can jeopardize long-term financial stability. Therefore, a disciplined approach is essential.

Avoiding High-Risk Investments
While high returns are tempting, it is crucial to avoid high-risk investments, especially with a corpus that needs to last. Investments that promise unusually high returns often come with significant risks, including the loss of the principal amount. These can include unregulated schemes or speculative assets.

Stay Away from Get-Rich-Quick Schemes: These are often too good to be true. They can lead to losing your hard-earned money.

Stick to Regulated Investments: Ensure that his investments are within regulated and well-established avenues to protect his principal.

Diversification for Risk Management
Diversification is the key to managing risk while aiming for steady passive income. By spreading investments across different asset classes, he can reduce the impact of poor performance in any one area.

Equity Funds: While equity investments carry some risk, they also offer the potential for higher returns. Opt for actively managed funds over index funds. Actively managed funds are guided by professional managers who can navigate market ups and downs more effectively.

Debt Funds: These are less risky compared to equity funds and provide more stable returns. They are suitable for generating consistent passive income.

Hybrid Funds: These combine the elements of equity and debt, balancing risk and return. They can provide a good mix of growth and income.

Benefits of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
While direct mutual funds have lower expense ratios, regular funds offer the advantage of professional advice. Especially for someone not deeply involved in market monitoring, regular funds managed by a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can be more beneficial.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds: Managing direct funds requires constant market analysis and an understanding of when to rebalance or exit. This can be challenging without professional help.

Advantages of Regular Funds: A regular fund, managed through an MFD with CFP credentials, provides ongoing guidance. This can help in making informed decisions, aligning investments with financial goals, and optimizing the portfolio as per changing market conditions.

Creating a Passive Income Strategy
Generating passive income requires a balanced portfolio that provides regular returns without exposing the corpus to high risk. Here’s how he can structure his investments:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): An SWP allows him to withdraw a fixed amount regularly from his mutual fund investments. This ensures a steady flow of income while the remaining investment continues to grow.

Dividend-Paying Mutual Funds: These funds provide regular dividend income, which can be used as a source of passive income. However, the amount may vary based on the fund’s performance.

Debt Funds with Monthly Income Plans (MIPs): MIPs are a conservative investment option. They primarily invest in debt instruments, ensuring stability, with a small portion in equities for growth potential.

Long-Term Perspective and Compounding
Given that he is 35, it’s essential to think long-term. Investing with a focus on long-term growth, while drawing passive income, can provide both stability and wealth creation over time. The power of compounding will work in his favor, especially if the investments are allowed to grow over many years.

Reinvesting Surplus Income: Any surplus income generated from these investments should be reinvested to take advantage of compounding. This will help in growing the corpus further, leading to more significant passive income in the future.

Regular Portfolio Review: The investment landscape changes, and so should the portfolio. Regular reviews with a Certified Financial Planner will ensure the investments remain aligned with his financial goals.

Managing Expectations
While the goal is to generate passive income, it’s important to have realistic expectations. He should focus on steady growth and income rather than chasing high returns. This approach will help in protecting his capital and ensuring a stable financial future for his family.

Understand Market Realities: Equity markets can be volatile, and debt markets can be affected by interest rate changes. A balanced approach will help in managing these risks.

Regular Income Over High Growth: Prioritize investments that offer regular income, even if it means slightly lower growth. The focus should be on stability, especially with a family depending on the income.

Importance of Emergency Fund
Before committing the entire corpus to investments, it’s crucial to set aside an emergency fund. This fund should cover at least 6 to 12 months of expenses. It ensures that he does not have to liquidate investments prematurely in case of unexpected expenses.

Liquid Funds: An emergency fund can be parked in liquid funds, which offer easy access to money while providing better returns than a savings account.

Accessibility: The key feature of an emergency fund is its accessibility. Ensure that the funds are easy to withdraw without penalties or losses.

Final Insights
Investing Rs 10 lakhs to generate passive income requires a careful, well-planned approach. It’s vital to avoid high-risk investments and get-rich-quick schemes. Instead, focus on building a diversified portfolio that balances risk and return, offering steady income while preserving and growing the corpus.

Diversify Across Asset Classes: Spread investments across equity, debt, and hybrid funds to manage risk effectively.

Use Professional Guidance: Leveraging the expertise of a Certified Financial Planner will help in making informed decisions and optimizing the portfolio.

Stay Disciplined: Stick to the plan, regularly review the portfolio, and adjust based on market conditions and personal goals.

Reinvest and Compound: Whenever possible, reinvest income to take advantage of compounding, growing the corpus over time.

By focusing on these strategies, your cousin can create a sustainable source of passive income, ensuring financial stability for himself and his family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Money
Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 28, 2024
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Thanks You Very Much Ma'am For Your Answer. The Reason For Not Using Instagram Was Cause I Didn't Wanted To Look At Any Other Women Instead Of Her. My Intentions Were Pure. Also I Didn't wanted a thing which can spark of cheating so there will be no fire. I am open minded I told her I will accept it. Problem is that affair continued even after engagement and marriage (till 9 months of marriage) But today's condition is that i think she has lost interest. We have tradition inwhich wife goes to their home and stay for 2-3 months. Her mother has been so influential from beginning so am telling her to comeback. She is not ready to comeback even when I am sick. I told her to come back for at least 4-5 days so we can talk. I am afraid she will mindwash her. And I can see that. I have given the best possible time yet she is complaining that I don't give time. When I told her to come back she overeated that she will never go there and that. She wasn't like this. She was with me in my everything. I am so confused. I have forgiven & forgotten everything about the past still... What do you suggest ma'am???
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
I have already made my suggestions in the initial response. Start afresh and wipe the slate clean. Rebuilding trust cannot happen overnight, so give the marriage a fair GO.
What you have shared again are problems and when you stay in that Zone, you will only be able to focus on problems. When there is an intention to solve the issue, the prerequisite is to move away from all the things that have gone wrong/bad and all the things that you think will go wrong/bad. That's the only way to solve problems. So my suggestions are still the same.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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