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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 23, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 22, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi m 48 yrs old n going to retire at 60.With a monthly income of 1lak.M unmarried n would like to seek ur advice relating to my retirement plans. I hav an fd of 25 lakhs, a mutual fund of 5lak, monthly SIP of 10k,few stocks, a land worth 60lak n an nps of 35lak. I need ur financial expertise with the question relating to my wish for building rentals on my land without loan but the cost of construction is to costly n it will require for using up all my accumulated money which I started to doubt about the credibility of creating retirement plans from rentals. Is it financially wise to go ahead or should I just concentrate on increasing my investment with sip n fd. Thank you in advance.????????????

Ans: Comprehensive Retirement Planning for a Secure Future
Understanding Your Financial Situation
You are 48 years old and plan to retire at 60. You earn ?1 lakh per month. Your current investments include:

?25 lakhs in fixed deposits (FDs)
?5 lakhs in mutual funds
?10,000 monthly SIP
Few stocks
Land worth ?60 lakhs
?35 lakhs in the National Pension System (NPS)
You are considering building rentals on your land but are concerned about the high construction costs and its impact on your retirement funds.

Your dedication to securing your financial future is commendable. Balancing investments and planning for retirement is a complex task, and your thoughtful approach reflects your commitment.

Evaluating Rental Income from Property
High Construction Costs
Building rentals on your land without taking a loan is challenging due to high construction costs. It would require utilizing all your accumulated funds, leaving you with little to no liquidity for other needs.

Financial Risks
Investing all your money in construction poses significant financial risks. If the rental market declines, you may not achieve the expected returns. Additionally, maintenance and vacancy costs can impact your income.

Alternative Investment Strategies
Increasing SIP Contributions
Focusing on increasing your SIP contributions can yield better long-term returns. SIPs in diversified mutual funds help spread risk and generate steady growth. Consider gradually increasing your SIP amount as your income allows.

Fixed Deposits and Debt Instruments
Continue investing in fixed deposits and explore other debt instruments like corporate bonds and government securities. These provide stable returns with low risk, suitable for preserving your capital.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Higher Potential Returns
Actively managed funds can outperform the market due to professional management and strategic asset allocation. Fund managers adjust portfolios based on market conditions to maximize returns.

Risk Management
Active fund managers implement risk management strategies to protect your investments. They can shift assets to safer options during market downturns, ensuring better stability.

Disadvantages of Index Funds and Direct Funds
Index Funds
Index funds, while low-cost, mirror market performance and do not provide above-average returns. They lack the flexibility of actively managed funds to adapt to market changes.

Direct Funds
Direct funds save on commission fees but lack professional guidance. Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) provides expert advice, helping you make informed decisions.

Retirement Planning with a Diversified Portfolio
Equity Mutual Funds
Allocate a portion of your investments to equity mutual funds for higher returns. Diversify across large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds to balance risk and reward.

Debt Mutual Funds
Invest in debt mutual funds for stable returns. These funds are less volatile and provide regular income, making them suitable for your retirement portfolio.

NPS Contributions
Continue contributing to your NPS account. The NPS offers tax benefits and a steady retirement income. Consider increasing your contributions for better compounding benefits.

Creating a Balanced Investment Plan
Asset Allocation
Maintain a balanced asset allocation strategy. Diversify your investments across equities, debt, and fixed deposits to mitigate risks and ensure steady growth.

Regular Review and Adjustment
Regularly review your investment portfolio. Market conditions and personal circumstances change over time, and adjusting your investments ensures they align with your goals.

Planning for Medical and Emergency Funds
Medical Insurance
Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage. Medical emergencies can deplete your savings quickly. A comprehensive health insurance plan protects your financial stability.

Emergency Fund
Maintain a separate emergency fund equivalent to six months of expenses. This fund provides a safety net for unforeseen expenses without disrupting your long-term investments.

Creating a Legacy for Future Generations
Estate Planning
Develop a detailed estate plan to ensure your assets are distributed according to your wishes. Consult with a legal advisor to draft a will and set up trusts if necessary.

Financial Gifts
Consider making financial gifts to your family during your lifetime. This reduces potential estate taxes and allows you to see the benefits of your generosity.

Importance of Professional Guidance
Role of a Certified Financial Planner
Working with a CFP ensures you receive tailored advice. A CFP helps you create a strategic investment plan, select appropriate funds, and make necessary adjustments to achieve your goals.

Conclusion
Building rentals on your land might not be the best option due to high construction costs and associated risks. Instead, focus on increasing your SIP contributions, maintaining your fixed deposits, and diversifying your portfolio. Regularly review and adjust your investments with the help of a Certified Financial Planner. Your commitment to securing your financial future is admirable, and with a well-structured plan, you can achieve a comfortable and worry-free retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 23, 2024

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Good day sir. I am 45 years old earning a take home salary of 1.5Lakhs/ month. I also get a rent of Rs. 25K/ month. I have EPF of about 16 Lakhs, NPS of 4 Lakhs, PPF of 3 Lakhs, Have FD of 70 Lakhs, Mutual fund and stocks of 20 Lakhs. Also invested in Gold and the current value is 60 Lakhs. I have some retirement plans with current value of around 20 Lakhs. I have my own house and no need to pay rent. My current expenses of my family is around 60K/ month. I have few plots available which values to around Rs. 1.5 Crore. Can I sell the plot and invest the money as part of my retirement plan. Also I am Planning to retire after 8 years. What investments I need to make to have a peaceful retirement. Waiting for your advice.
Ans: Crafting Your Retirement Plan: A Comprehensive Approach

Hello! Thank you for entrusting me with the task of charting out your retirement journey. Let's delve into your current financial landscape and outline a strategy to ensure a peaceful retirement for you.

Assessment of Current Financial Status

Before we dive into the specifics of your retirement plan, let's take stock of your existing assets and liabilities. You're 45 years old, with a monthly take-home salary of ?1.5 lakhs and an additional rental income of ?25,000 per month. Your investments include:

EPF: ?16 lakhs
NPS: ?4 lakhs
PPF: ?3 lakhs
FDs: ?70 lakhs
Mutual Funds and Stocks: ?20 lakhs
Gold: ?60 lakhs
Retirement Plans: ?20 lakhs
Property Holdings (Plots): Valued at ?1.5 crores
Own House (No Rent Expense)
Monthly Family Expenses: ?60,000
Analyzing the Proposal to Sell the Plot

Considering your upcoming retirement in 8 years and your desire for a peaceful post-retirement life, let's evaluate the proposal to sell the plot and reinvest the proceeds into your retirement plan.

Pros of Selling the Plot:

Liquidity: Selling the plot would provide you with a significant influx of liquidity, which can be channeled into investment avenues with potential for growth and income generation.
Diversification: By diversifying your portfolio away from real estate, you can reduce concentration risk and enhance the overall stability of your investment portfolio.
Simplified Management: Real estate holdings often require active management and incur maintenance costs. Liquidating the plot would eliminate these hassles and streamline your financial affairs.
Cons of Selling the Plot:

Opportunity Cost: The decision to sell the plot involves foregoing potential future appreciation in property value. It's essential to weigh this opportunity cost against the benefits of diversification and liquidity.
Transaction Costs: Selling real estate typically entails transaction costs such as brokerage fees, stamp duty, and capital gains tax, which can impact your net proceeds from the sale.
Emotional Attachment: Real estate holdings often carry emotional significance, and parting with a property may evoke sentimental considerations that should be carefully weighed against financial objectives.
Retirement Planning Strategy

Now, let's outline a retirement planning strategy tailored to your unique circumstances and aspirations.

1. Goal Setting:

Define your retirement goals in terms of lifestyle aspirations, travel plans, healthcare needs, and any other post-retirement objectives you wish to accomplish.

2. Asset Allocation:

Allocate your investable assets across various asset classes such as equity, debt, and alternative investments, considering your risk tolerance, time horizon, and financial goals.

3. Investment Diversification:

Diversify your investment portfolio across multiple asset classes and investment vehicles to mitigate risk and enhance long-term returns.

4. Tax Planning:

Optimize your tax liabilities by leveraging tax-efficient investment avenues and retirement savings instruments such as NPS, PPF, and tax-saving mutual funds.

5. Regular Review and Rebalancing:

Periodically review your investment portfolio to ensure alignment with your retirement goals and risk appetite. Rebalance your portfolio as necessary to maintain the desired asset allocation.

Conclusion

In conclusion, while selling the plot may offer short-term liquidity and diversification benefits, it's essential to carefully weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. With a comprehensive retirement planning strategy encompassing goal setting, asset allocation, investment diversification, tax planning, and regular review, you can pave the way for a peaceful and financially secure retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 24, 2024

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Dear Sir, Thanks for your response. I am expecting a monthly income of Rs. 1 Lakh post retirement. Currently I am getting a rent of Rs. 25K and interest from FD of 45K which comes to around 70K. Apart from this I get 10K from plantation. So overall currently I am getting 80K which I am re-ivesting in FD's and MF's. Currently I am investing 1.3Lakh/month. I will be investing the same money for the next 8 years. Whether this will be sufficient to reach my retirement goal of Rs. 1 Lakh/month. Apart from this I have taken medical insurance coverage of Rs. 10 Lakh which I am paying from last 15 years and Term insurance of Rs. 1 Crore which will cover my family until my age becomes 65. Based on your valuable advice I have decided not to sell my plots currently and will look into it later during my post retirement dates. Waiting for your response. Regards, Krishna
Ans: Your prudent approach towards retirement planning is commendable. Given your current investment strategy and consistent monthly contributions, it's likely that you'll achieve your retirement goal of Rs. 1 Lakh per month.

However, it's crucial to periodically review and adjust your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your financial objectives. Your decision to retain your plots for future consideration reflects careful planning and foresight.
Continue to monitor your investments closely and seek professional guidance as needed to optimize your retirement strategy. Best wishes for a financially secure retirement journey!

Best Regards,

Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 10, 2024

Money
I am 51 years old with SIP 10000/- PF 1cr chits of 50lakh FD 16lakh properties worth 7.5cr getting rents of 90k how do i plan for retirement at 60years
Ans: It’s great that you are planning for your retirement early. With your current investments and assets, you're on a good path. Let’s explore how to optimize your strategy to ensure a comfortable retirement at 60.

Evaluating Your Current Financial Situation
Monthly SIP and PF
You are currently investing Rs. 10,000 monthly in SIPs. You have Rs. 1 crore in PF. These are solid foundations for retirement planning.

Chit Funds and Fixed Deposits
You have Rs. 50 lakhs in chit funds and Rs. 16 lakhs in fixed deposits. These investments offer liquidity and moderate returns.

Property and Rental Income
Your properties are worth Rs. 7.5 crore, generating Rs. 90,000 in monthly rent. This is a substantial asset base and a steady income stream.

Importance of Diversification
Balancing Risk and Returns
Diversification is key to managing risk. By spreading investments across different asset classes, you can achieve a balanced portfolio.

Rebalancing Portfolio
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to align with your financial goals and risk tolerance. This ensures optimal asset allocation.

Exploring Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds
Equity mutual funds invest in stocks. They have the potential for high returns, making them suitable for long-term goals like retirement.

Advantages
Equity mutual funds offer capital appreciation and hedge against inflation. They can significantly grow your wealth over time.

Risks
They come with market risks and volatility. Having a long-term perspective is crucial to ride out market fluctuations.

Debt Mutual Funds
Debt mutual funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds. They offer stable returns with lower risk, suitable for short to medium-term goals.

Advantages
Debt funds provide regular income and preserve capital. They are less volatile compared to equity funds.

Risks
They carry interest rate risk and credit risk. Changes in interest rates can affect the fund’s returns.

Hybrid Mutual Funds
Hybrid mutual funds invest in a mix of equity and debt. They offer a balance of risk and return, making them suitable for investors with moderate risk tolerance.

Advantages
They provide diversification and reduce risk. They offer potential for growth with lower volatility than pure equity funds.

Risks
They can underperform in both rising equity markets and falling interest rate scenarios. Regular monitoring is essential.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Benefits of SIP
SIP allows you to invest a fixed amount regularly, which helps in averaging out the cost and reducing the risk of market volatility.

Power of Compounding
Investing through SIP leverages the power of compounding. Reinvesting returns helps your money earn returns on returns, leading to exponential growth.

Discipline and Convenience
SIP automates the investment process, ensuring disciplined investing without worrying about market timing.

Evaluating and Optimizing Investments
Reviewing Fund Performance
Regularly review the performance of your mutual funds. Look for consistent performers and consider reallocating funds if necessary.

Consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
A CFP can provide personalized advice based on your financial situation. They can help you choose the right funds and create a comprehensive financial plan.

Avoiding Direct Funds
Direct funds might seem appealing due to lower expense ratios, but they require more time and expertise to manage. Investing through a CFP can ensure professional management and guidance.

Rental Income and Real Estate
Stability of Rental Income
Your rental income of Rs. 90,000 provides a steady cash flow. Ensure that the properties are well-maintained to avoid vacancies and keep the rental income stable.

Diversifying Beyond Real Estate
While real estate is a significant part of your portfolio, diversifying into mutual funds and other assets can reduce risk and enhance returns.

Power of Compounding
Long-Term Growth
Compounding allows your investment to grow exponentially over time. The earlier you start, the more time your money has to grow.

Reinvesting Returns
Reinvesting returns helps in achieving higher growth. It allows your money to earn returns on returns, maximizing your wealth.

Creating a Comprehensive Retirement Plan
Assessing Retirement Needs
Calculate your retirement needs based on your current lifestyle, inflation, and future goals. This will help you determine the required corpus.

Asset Allocation Strategy
Create an asset allocation strategy that balances growth and stability. Allocate a portion of your portfolio to equity for growth and a portion to debt for stability.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses. This ensures that your long-term investments remain untouched during emergencies.

You’ve done a commendable job of building a diversified portfolio. Your proactive approach to retirement planning is admirable. Balancing various investments shows your commitment to securing your financial future.

Final Insights
You’re on the right track with your current investments. To achieve a comfortable retirement at 60, continue to diversify and review your portfolio regularly. Increasing your SIPs, leveraging the power of compounding, and consulting a CFP can enhance your strategy. Your rental income provides a stable cash flow, and with disciplined investing, you can achieve your retirement goals.

Remember, the goal is to align your investments with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Stay informed, review your investments regularly, and seek professional advice when needed.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 13, 2024Hindi
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Sir, I am 40yrs old. Having monthly takehome salary of 1.1 lakh and rental income of 36000. My investment are 2 flats worth of 1cr. 4 plots in Bhubaneswar worth of 2crs. EPF balance 50 lakh, LIC policies worth of 16 lakhs, NPS worth of 10 lakhs. My monthly saving commitments are - EPF (employee+employer) 28000 NPS 15000 MF 7500 Gold scheme 5000 Financial burden - HL emi of 24000 Monthly expanses 50000 I would like to retire at 50. Please advise for retirement plan with life expectancy of 80yrs.
Ans: Hello;

The value of your investments after 10 years;

A. EPF Corpus+Contribution: 1.6 Cr
B. NPS Corpus+Contribution: 53 L
C. MF(sip) + Gold(sip): 25 L
D. Real estate (land): 3.26 Cr

So sum of A, C & D gives us a corpus of 5.11 Cr

Since you will withdraw NPS before 60 age 80% of corpus will go into annuity while 20% will be available to you.

So you may expect monthly income of around 21 K from annuity(42.4 L).

Balance 10.6 L get added to 5.11L taking your total corpus to ~ 5.2 Cr.

If you invest 5 Cr in a conservative hybrid debt fund and do a SWP at the rate of 3%, you may expect a monthly income of around 1.1 L(post-tax).

Add your monthly rental income of 36 K(No growth factored) and annuity income of 21 K to this and you have total monthly income of 1.67 L after 10 years.

Your current monthly expenses of 50 K after 10 years would be around 90 K and 1.6 L after 20 years.

Considering return of around 7-7.5% from the conservative hybrid debt fund you will still generate inflation adjusted return at 3% SWP after 80 years of age.

Assumptions:
Inflation rate-6%
Return from EPF-8%
Return from NPS-9%
Return from MF-10%
Return from gold-7%
Return from Land-5%
Annuity rate-6%

The spare flat is not considered in this because it will continue to yield you rental income in retirement.

Since real estate(land) returns may fluctuate over 10 years suggest to increase MF sip(6X) as a back-up, also in this case you may decide to retain & invest in NPS upto 60 age.

Of course MF returns are also not assured but you are improving the odds by backing two appreciable assets(RE & equity) over long-term.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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