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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 10, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Ashok Question by Ashok on Jun 20, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 51 years old with SIP 10000/- PF 1cr chits of 50lakh FD 16lakh properties worth 7.5cr getting rents of 90k how do i plan for retirement at 60years

Ans: It’s great that you are planning for your retirement early. With your current investments and assets, you're on a good path. Let’s explore how to optimize your strategy to ensure a comfortable retirement at 60.

Evaluating Your Current Financial Situation
Monthly SIP and PF
You are currently investing Rs. 10,000 monthly in SIPs. You have Rs. 1 crore in PF. These are solid foundations for retirement planning.

Chit Funds and Fixed Deposits
You have Rs. 50 lakhs in chit funds and Rs. 16 lakhs in fixed deposits. These investments offer liquidity and moderate returns.

Property and Rental Income
Your properties are worth Rs. 7.5 crore, generating Rs. 90,000 in monthly rent. This is a substantial asset base and a steady income stream.

Importance of Diversification
Balancing Risk and Returns
Diversification is key to managing risk. By spreading investments across different asset classes, you can achieve a balanced portfolio.

Rebalancing Portfolio
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to align with your financial goals and risk tolerance. This ensures optimal asset allocation.

Exploring Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds
Equity mutual funds invest in stocks. They have the potential for high returns, making them suitable for long-term goals like retirement.

Advantages
Equity mutual funds offer capital appreciation and hedge against inflation. They can significantly grow your wealth over time.

Risks
They come with market risks and volatility. Having a long-term perspective is crucial to ride out market fluctuations.

Debt Mutual Funds
Debt mutual funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds. They offer stable returns with lower risk, suitable for short to medium-term goals.

Advantages
Debt funds provide regular income and preserve capital. They are less volatile compared to equity funds.

Risks
They carry interest rate risk and credit risk. Changes in interest rates can affect the fund’s returns.

Hybrid Mutual Funds
Hybrid mutual funds invest in a mix of equity and debt. They offer a balance of risk and return, making them suitable for investors with moderate risk tolerance.

Advantages
They provide diversification and reduce risk. They offer potential for growth with lower volatility than pure equity funds.

Risks
They can underperform in both rising equity markets and falling interest rate scenarios. Regular monitoring is essential.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Benefits of SIP
SIP allows you to invest a fixed amount regularly, which helps in averaging out the cost and reducing the risk of market volatility.

Power of Compounding
Investing through SIP leverages the power of compounding. Reinvesting returns helps your money earn returns on returns, leading to exponential growth.

Discipline and Convenience
SIP automates the investment process, ensuring disciplined investing without worrying about market timing.

Evaluating and Optimizing Investments
Reviewing Fund Performance
Regularly review the performance of your mutual funds. Look for consistent performers and consider reallocating funds if necessary.

Consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
A CFP can provide personalized advice based on your financial situation. They can help you choose the right funds and create a comprehensive financial plan.

Avoiding Direct Funds
Direct funds might seem appealing due to lower expense ratios, but they require more time and expertise to manage. Investing through a CFP can ensure professional management and guidance.

Rental Income and Real Estate
Stability of Rental Income
Your rental income of Rs. 90,000 provides a steady cash flow. Ensure that the properties are well-maintained to avoid vacancies and keep the rental income stable.

Diversifying Beyond Real Estate
While real estate is a significant part of your portfolio, diversifying into mutual funds and other assets can reduce risk and enhance returns.

Power of Compounding
Long-Term Growth
Compounding allows your investment to grow exponentially over time. The earlier you start, the more time your money has to grow.

Reinvesting Returns
Reinvesting returns helps in achieving higher growth. It allows your money to earn returns on returns, maximizing your wealth.

Creating a Comprehensive Retirement Plan
Assessing Retirement Needs
Calculate your retirement needs based on your current lifestyle, inflation, and future goals. This will help you determine the required corpus.

Asset Allocation Strategy
Create an asset allocation strategy that balances growth and stability. Allocate a portion of your portfolio to equity for growth and a portion to debt for stability.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses. This ensures that your long-term investments remain untouched during emergencies.

You’ve done a commendable job of building a diversified portfolio. Your proactive approach to retirement planning is admirable. Balancing various investments shows your commitment to securing your financial future.

Final Insights
You’re on the right track with your current investments. To achieve a comfortable retirement at 60, continue to diversify and review your portfolio regularly. Increasing your SIPs, leveraging the power of compounding, and consulting a CFP can enhance your strategy. Your rental income provides a stable cash flow, and with disciplined investing, you can achieve your retirement goals.

Remember, the goal is to align your investments with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Stay informed, review your investments regularly, and seek professional advice when needed.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 10, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello, I am 32 Years old with a Loan of 1.25 cr on my 4 Properties earning Annually approx 18-20 lakhs (excluding Rental Income). Balance of SSY and PPF is 9.5 lakh as of now. I wish to retire by 50 with a monthly income of 5 lakh.
Ans: It’s great that you’re thinking about your financial future and planning for retirement. At 32 years old, you have a solid foundation with four properties and an annual income of 18-20 lakhs. Your balance of 9.5 lakhs in SSY and PPF is a good start. Let’s dive into your goal of retiring by 50 with a monthly income of 5 lakhs.

Current Financial Snapshot
Income and Assets
Annual Income: 18-20 lakhs (excluding rental income)
Properties: 4 properties with a loan of 1.25 crores
SSY and PPF: 9.5 lakhs balance
Liabilities
Loan: 1.25 crores on properties
Retirement Goal
Retirement Age: 50 years
Monthly Income Post-Retirement: 5 lakhs
Planning for Retirement
Evaluating Your Goals
Retiring at 50 with a monthly income of 5 lakhs is ambitious but achievable with the right strategy. It’s important to consider inflation, investment returns, and tax implications.

Creating a Retirement Corpus
To achieve a monthly income of 5 lakhs post-retirement, you need a substantial corpus. Assuming a lifespan of 80 years, you need to plan for 30 years of retirement. Let’s break down the steps to create this corpus.

Investment Strategy
Diversifying Investments
Equity Mutual Funds: High growth potential but volatile. Ideal for long-term growth.
Debt Mutual Funds: Provide stability and regular income. Lower returns compared to equity.
Hybrid Funds: A mix of equity and debt. Balanced approach.
SSY and PPF: Safe and tax-efficient. Continue contributions.
Power of Compounding
Investing early allows your money to grow exponentially due to compounding. The longer the investment period, the greater the growth. Start investing regularly and stay committed.

Managing Liabilities
Loan Repayment
Your 1.25 crore loan on properties needs to be managed efficiently. Prioritize loan repayment to reduce interest burden. Consider prepaying whenever possible.

Rental Income
Utilize rental income to support loan repayments and boost savings. Rental income can also supplement your retirement corpus.

Detailed Investment Plan
Equity Mutual Funds
Equity mutual funds are essential for long-term growth. They offer high returns but come with market volatility. Diversify across different types:

Large-Cap Funds: Invest in well-established companies. Lower risk.
Mid-Cap Funds: Invest in medium-sized companies. Higher growth potential.
Small-Cap Funds: Invest in smaller companies. Highest growth potential but high risk.
Flexi-Cap Funds: Invest across all market capitalizations. Provides flexibility and diversification.
Debt Mutual Funds
Debt funds offer stability and are less volatile than equity funds. They are ideal for generating regular income and preserving capital. Types of debt funds:

Liquid Funds: Short-term investments with high liquidity.
Short-Term Debt Funds: Suitable for 1-3 year investment horizon.
Long-Term Debt Funds: Suitable for more than 3 years. Provides better returns with moderate risk.
Hybrid Funds
Hybrid funds invest in both equity and debt, offering a balanced approach. They aim to provide growth with stability. Types of hybrid funds:

Balanced Funds: Equal exposure to equity and debt.
Aggressive Hybrid Funds: Higher exposure to equity.
Conservative Hybrid Funds: Higher exposure to debt.
Safe and Tax-Efficient Investments
SSY and PPF
Continue contributing to SSY and PPF. They offer tax benefits and guaranteed returns. Ideal for long-term savings.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Regular investments through SIPs in mutual funds can help build a substantial corpus over time. SIPs provide the benefit of rupee cost averaging and compounding.

Tax Planning
Efficient Withdrawal Strategy
Plan your withdrawals to minimize tax liabilities. Utilize the annual tax exemptions on long-term capital gains.

Tax-Efficient Investments
Invest in instruments that offer tax benefits under Section 80C, such as ELSS funds, PPF, and SSY.

Risk Management
Insurance
Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance. It protects your family and your investments in case of unforeseen events.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover 6-12 months of expenses. It provides financial security during unexpected situations.

Monitoring and Rebalancing
Regular Review
Review your portfolio annually to ensure it aligns with your goals. Make adjustments based on market conditions and personal circumstances.

Rebalancing
Rebalance your portfolio periodically to maintain the desired asset allocation. It helps manage risk and optimize returns.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Professional Management
Actively managed funds are managed by professional fund managers who make investment decisions based on market research and analysis.

Potential for Higher Returns
Active management aims to outperform the market by selecting high-potential securities. It can provide higher returns compared to passive funds.

Flexibility
Fund managers can respond to market changes and take advantage of investment opportunities, offering flexibility and adaptability.

Final Insights
You have a solid foundation with a diversified investment strategy and a clear retirement goal. To retire by 50 with a monthly income of 5 lakhs, focus on:

Diversifying Investments: Spread investments across equity, debt, and hybrid funds.
Managing Liabilities: Prioritize loan repayment and utilize rental income.
Compounding: Start early and stay invested for long-term growth.
Tax Planning: Optimize withdrawals and invest in tax-efficient instruments.
Risk Management: Ensure adequate insurance and maintain an emergency fund.
Regular Monitoring: Review and rebalance your portfolio periodically.
Your proactive approach and disciplined investing will help you achieve your retirement goal. Stay committed and keep monitoring your progress.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 12, 2024

Money
Hello, i am aniket age 27 currently working with pvt company with monthly 35k salary and side income of around 40k,i have mutual fund lumpsum around 22 lakh and FD of 45 lakh and real estate 70 lakh,my question is i want to retire at 40 age so how i can plan accordingly to that?? I have no debt
Ans: Dear Aniket,

Firstly, congratulations on your successful career and diligent financial planning so far. It's impressive to see your commitment to early retirement at the age of 40. Retiring early is a challenging goal, but with a well-structured plan, it is certainly achievable. Let's delve into a comprehensive strategy to help you attain this dream.

Understanding Your Current Financial Position

You currently earn Rs 35,000 monthly from your primary job, and an additional Rs 40,000 from side income, totalling Rs 75,000 per month. You have Rs 22 lakh in mutual funds and Rs 45 lakh in fixed deposits. Additionally, you own real estate worth Rs 70 lakh.

The first step towards early retirement is understanding your current assets and future requirements. Your combined savings of Rs 67 lakh (mutual funds and FDs) and Rs 70 lakh in real estate give you a solid foundation.

However, real estate can be illiquid and might not provide immediate funds when required. Therefore, our focus will be on liquid and semi-liquid assets for your retirement planning.

Setting Clear Retirement Goals

Define Your Retirement Lifestyle:

Your retirement lifestyle significantly impacts your financial requirements. Consider the following aspects:

Living expenses: Monthly and annual requirements.
Travel and hobbies: Costs for hobbies, travel, or other interests.
Healthcare: Future medical expenses.
Inflation: Anticipate the rise in costs over time.
Determine Your Retirement Corpus:

Calculate the corpus needed to sustain your desired lifestyle. Typically, a retirement corpus should be about 20 to 25 times your annual expenses. Given the goal of retiring at 40, your corpus needs to cover a longer period, increasing the importance of accurate estimation.

Building a Diversified Investment Portfolio

Balancing Risk and Returns:

Your current investments in mutual funds and FDs show a balanced approach. However, considering the early retirement goal, you might need to reassess the asset allocation.

Equity Investments:

Equity mutual funds provide higher returns compared to fixed income options. Allocate a portion of your savings to diversified equity mutual funds. These funds can potentially deliver inflation-beating returns over the long term.

Debt Investments:

Fixed deposits offer safety but lower returns. To balance risk, consider debt mutual funds. These funds provide better returns than FDs with relatively low risk.

Avoiding Real Estate and Index Funds:

Real estate investments are illiquid and can be cumbersome to manage. Similarly, index funds, though low-cost, might not always provide the active management required for early retirement planning. Actively managed funds, selected with the help of a Certified Financial Planner, can offer better opportunities for growth.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP):

SIP is an excellent way to invest regularly and benefit from rupee cost averaging. Investing a fixed amount monthly in selected mutual funds can help build a substantial corpus over time.

Emergency Fund:

Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This fund ensures liquidity in case of unexpected events and prevents the need to dip into retirement savings.

Insurance and Healthcare

Life Insurance:

As you have no debt, your insurance needs primarily cover income replacement and family protection. Ensure you have adequate term insurance to protect your family in case of unforeseen circumstances.

Health Insurance:

Healthcare costs can be significant, especially in later years. Opt for comprehensive health insurance that covers you and your family. Consider a family floater plan for broader coverage. Ensure it covers critical illnesses and hospitalization expenses.

Estate Planning:

Estate planning involves preparing for the transfer of your assets to your beneficiaries. A well-drafted will ensures your assets are distributed according to your wishes. Consider consulting a legal expert to guide you through this process.

Tax Planning

Utilizing Tax Benefits:

Tax planning can significantly enhance your savings. Utilize tax benefits under Section 80C, 80D, and other relevant sections to maximize deductions and reduce taxable income.

Invest in Tax-efficient Instruments:

Consider tax-efficient investment instruments like Equity Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS) for tax savings and growth. ELSS funds provide dual benefits of tax savings and equity market returns.

Reviewing and Adjusting Your Plan

Regular Monitoring:

Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals. Market conditions and personal circumstances change, necessitating adjustments in your strategy.

Rebalancing:

Rebalance your portfolio periodically to maintain the desired asset allocation. Rebalancing helps manage risk and ensures your investments stay aligned with your goals.

Professional Guidance:

Consider seeking advice from a Certified Financial Planner. A CFP can provide personalized advice, ensuring your investments align with your retirement goals. Their expertise can help optimize your portfolio for maximum returns while managing risk.

The Road Ahead

Given your target of retiring at 40, you have 13 years to build your corpus. Start by setting clear goals and estimating the required corpus. With your current savings and strategic investments, you can accumulate the necessary funds.

Focus on a diversified portfolio balancing equity and debt investments. Avoid real estate due to its illiquidity. Use SIPs for disciplined investing and maintaining an emergency fund. Adequate insurance, tax planning, and estate planning are crucial.

Stay informed and flexible, adjusting your strategy as needed. With diligence and a well-structured plan, your goal of early retirement is within reach.

Final Insights

Your goal of retiring at 40 is ambitious but achievable with careful planning. You have already built a strong financial foundation, which is commendable. The key now is to enhance and protect these savings through strategic investments and planning.

Regularly monitor your progress, adjust as needed, and stay committed to your goal. With the right approach, you can enjoy a comfortable and fulfilling early retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Money
Hi i am 42 years, and having an income of 80000/- per month and i have 60 lacs in Mutual funds , 10 lakhs in shares, and 20 lakhs in NPS by employer and i have loans of 32 lakhs home loan, 11 lakhs OD, and 3 lakhs car loan. I want to reture at the age of 50. How to plan retirement at 59. I have two kids one is in plus1 and another us in 8th standard.
Ans: First, let's assess your financial situation. You have a monthly income of Rs. 80,000. Your investments are as follows:

Rs. 60 lakhs in mutual funds
Rs. 10 lakhs in shares
Rs. 20 lakhs in NPS by employer
You also have loans:

Rs. 32 lakhs home loan
Rs. 11 lakhs overdraft (OD)
Rs. 3 lakhs car loan
Your children are in Plus 1 and 8th standard. You wish to retire at 50. This is a tight timeline, but with careful planning, it can be achievable.

Evaluating Your Debt
Debt management is crucial for your retirement plan. Your loans total Rs. 46 lakhs. This is significant, given your income. Let's look at strategies to manage and reduce this debt.

Home Loan
Your home loan is the largest debt. Consider refinancing for better interest rates. Paying extra towards the principal can also reduce the loan term and interest.

Overdraft (OD) and Car Loan
These loans should be prioritized for repayment. OD usually has high interest rates. Focus on clearing this debt quickly. The car loan, though smaller, should also be cleared to reduce monthly outflows.

Building Your Retirement Corpus
You aim to retire at 50. This requires a substantial retirement corpus. Let's break down the steps to achieve this.

Mutual Funds
Your Rs. 60 lakhs in mutual funds is a good start. Continue investing and ensure your portfolio is diversified. Actively managed funds can offer better returns compared to index funds. These funds have professional managers who make informed decisions to maximize returns.

Direct Shares
You have Rs. 10 lakhs in shares. Diversify your stock investments to mitigate risks. Regularly review your portfolio and stay updated with market trends. This proactive approach can enhance your returns.

NPS (National Pension System)
Your Rs. 20 lakhs in NPS by your employer is a stable investment. NPS offers tax benefits and a mix of equity and debt, balancing risk and return. Continue contributing to NPS to build a robust retirement corpus.

Setting Financial Goals
It's essential to set clear financial goals for retirement and children's education. Let's outline these goals and how to achieve them.

Children's Education
Your children are in Plus 1 and 8th standard. Higher education costs can be significant. Start by estimating these costs and creating a dedicated investment plan. Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in mutual funds can be a good option. They offer flexibility and potential for high returns over time.

Retirement Planning
You wish to retire at 50, which means you have 8 years to build your corpus. Considering inflation and post-retirement expenses, aim for a substantial corpus. Regularly increase your SIP amounts in mutual funds. This disciplined approach will help you accumulate wealth.

Tax Planning
Efficient tax planning can save you money, boosting your investments. Utilize all available tax benefits under sections 80C, 80D, and 80CCD. Investing in tax-saving instruments like ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme) can provide dual benefits of tax saving and wealth creation.

Insurance
Insurance is vital for financial security. Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance.

Life Insurance
Consider term insurance for adequate coverage. It offers high coverage at low premiums. Avoid investment-cum-insurance policies as they often provide lower returns compared to mutual funds.

Health Insurance
Ensure you have a comprehensive health insurance policy. Medical expenses can be high, and a good policy can protect your savings.

Reviewing and Adjusting Your Plan
Financial planning is not a one-time activity. Regularly review and adjust your plan based on changing circumstances.

Annual Review
Conduct an annual review of your investments and financial plan. Assess your progress towards goals and make necessary adjustments.

Market Conditions
Stay informed about market conditions. Adjust your investments based on market trends to optimize returns.

Benefits of Working with a Certified Financial Planner
A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide expert guidance tailored to your needs. They can help you create a comprehensive plan, manage investments, and navigate tax laws. Consider consulting a CFP to enhance your financial strategy.

Final Insights
Your goal to retire at 50 is ambitious but achievable with careful planning. Prioritize debt repayment, continue investing in mutual funds and shares, and ensure adequate insurance coverage. Regularly review and adjust your plan to stay on track. With discipline and expert guidance, you can achieve financial independence and enjoy a comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |956 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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Money
I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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