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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 13, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 12, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi sir, i have a land of 1.5 cr and no loans. Also I have my own house.My age is 38. I am working in IT, and due to heavy work pressure, I want to quit. Is it fine if i quit my job and can survive for next 30 years by investing land.. Thanks.

Ans: Understanding Your Current Financial Position
At 38 years old, you have a significant asset base. Owning a piece of land valued at Rs 1.5 crore and having no loans is commendable. Your own house further adds to your financial stability. Your achievements are noteworthy, and it's clear you've worked hard to build a secure foundation.

Evaluating the Decision to Quit Your Job
Quitting your job due to work pressure is a significant decision. It's important to assess whether your current assets and potential investments can sustain you for the next 30 years. Let's break down this decision into various factors that need consideration.

Assessing Your Monthly Expenses
First, calculate your monthly expenses. Include all essential costs like food, utilities, healthcare, insurance, and any dependents' needs. Understanding your monthly expenditure is crucial in determining if your investments can cover these costs for the next 30 years.

Estimating Future Inflation
Inflation impacts the purchasing power of your money over time. An average inflation rate of 5-6% per year can significantly increase your expenses over the years. Consider future inflation to ensure your investments can keep up with rising costs.

Potential Income from Land
Your land valued at Rs 1.5 crore is a substantial asset. However, it is essential to understand the potential income it can generate. Selling the land and investing the proceeds is one option. Alternatively, leasing it out could provide a regular income stream.

Investment Options for Long-Term Stability
Investing the proceeds from the sale of land requires a well-thought-out strategy. Given the long-term horizon, a mix of equity, mutual funds, and debt instruments can provide growth and stability. Let's explore these options in detail.

Advantages of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds are a strong consideration for your investment strategy. Fund managers actively select securities to outperform the market. This can offer higher returns compared to passive options like index funds, which merely track a market index without active oversight.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Index funds have limitations, as they do not adapt to market changes. They may underperform during market downturns. Actively managed funds can adjust their strategies based on market conditions, providing a more dynamic approach to investing.

Regular vs Direct Funds
Direct funds require significant market knowledge and time. Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with Certified Financial Planner (CFP) credentials offers professional management. This guidance ensures your investments align with your financial goals.

Creating a Diversified Portfolio
Diversification reduces risk. A balanced portfolio includes equity for growth, debt instruments for stability, and some liquid assets for immediate needs. This approach ensures a steady income stream and capital preservation over time.

Importance of Liquidity
Maintaining liquidity is crucial. Keeping a portion of your investments in liquid funds or short-term instruments ensures you can access cash quickly. This prevents the need to liquidate long-term investments in emergencies.

Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWPs)
Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWPs) can provide regular income. By investing in mutual funds and setting up an SWP, you can withdraw a fixed amount periodically. This ensures a steady income stream while allowing the remaining investment to grow.

Health Insurance and Emergency Funds
Adequate health insurance is vital to cover medical expenses. Also, an emergency fund with at least six months' worth of expenses ensures you are prepared for unexpected costs. These safeguards protect your financial stability.

Tax Implications
Understand the tax implications of selling your land and other investments. Long-term capital gains tax applies to profits from the sale of land and equity investments held for more than a year. Consulting a tax advisor can help optimize your tax strategy.

Risk Management
Effective risk management is crucial for long-term financial security. Diversifying your investments, maintaining liquidity, and having an emergency fund are key components. Regularly reviewing your portfolio and adjusting based on market conditions helps manage risks.

Long-Term Perspective
Investing with a long-term perspective is essential. Equity investments, while volatile in the short term, tend to deliver higher returns over the long term. Patience and discipline are crucial in achieving long-term financial success.

Regular Monitoring and Review
Regularly monitoring your portfolio's performance is necessary. Setting up a system for monthly or quarterly reporting helps track progress towards your goals. This ensures transparency and accountability in your investment journey.

Leveraging Professional Advice
Consulting with a Certified Financial Planner provides valuable insights. Their expertise helps navigate complex financial decisions and optimize your investment strategy. Regular consultations ensure your financial plan remains on track.

Stress Management and Mental Wellbeing
Quitting your job due to work pressure highlights the need for stress management and mental wellbeing. Consider exploring ways to manage stress, such as taking a sabbatical, seeking professional help, or finding a less stressful job within your field.

Potential Alternative Income Sources
Exploring alternative income sources can provide additional financial security. Freelancing, consulting, or part-time work in your field can generate income while allowing for a better work-life balance. This reduces the pressure on your investments to cover all expenses.

Financial Independence and Early Retirement
Achieving financial independence and retiring early (FIRE) requires careful planning. Ensuring your investments can generate enough income to cover your expenses for 30 years is challenging but achievable with the right strategy. Regularly reassess your financial plan to adapt to changing circumstances.

Importance of Lifestyle Adjustments
Consider potential lifestyle adjustments to reduce expenses. Simple changes like cutting unnecessary costs and adopting a frugal lifestyle can significantly extend the longevity of your investments. Balancing enjoyment and financial prudence is key.

Family and Dependents
If you have family or dependents, their needs should be factored into your financial plan. Education, healthcare, and other expenses should be accounted for to ensure their well-being is not compromised.

Estate Planning
Estate planning is crucial for ensuring your assets are distributed according to your wishes. Creating a will, setting up trusts, and nominating beneficiaries for your investments are important steps. This provides peace of mind and clarity for your loved ones.

Final Insights
Quitting your job and relying on your land and investments to sustain you for 30 years is a significant decision. Assessing your monthly expenses, future inflation, and potential income from land is crucial. Investing the proceeds from the land sale in a diversified portfolio ensures growth and stability. Actively managed funds offer professional oversight and potential for higher returns. Maintaining liquidity, having adequate health insurance, and creating an emergency fund are essential. Consulting with a Certified Financial Planner and regularly reviewing your strategy will guide you towards achieving financial security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 16, 2024Hindi
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I am 48 years old I am planning to quit. I have 3 lands worth 85 lakhs, FD 15 lakhs, PF 60 lakhs, MF 50, 3 houses.
Ans: Retirement Planning at 48 Years Old
Congratulations on your successful investments and planning for retirement. Let's delve into optimizing your assets and ensuring a comfortable retirement.

Assessing Your Assets
Real Estate
You have three lands and three houses, amounting to a substantial asset base of 85 lakhs. However, real estate can be illiquid and may require maintenance costs.

Fixed Deposits (FD) and Provident Fund (PF)
Your FD of 15 lakhs and PF of 60 lakhs provide stability and security. They are essential components of your retirement portfolio.

Mutual Funds (MF)
Investing in MF with 50 lakhs demonstrates a diversified approach to wealth accumulation. MF offers growth potential and flexibility.

Retirement Goals and Lifestyle
Lifestyle Expectations
Define your desired lifestyle post-retirement. Consider travel, hobbies, healthcare, and other expenses.

Retirement Age
Determine the age at which you plan to retire. This will impact your investment strategy and corpus requirements.

Creating a Retirement Investment Strategy
Asset Allocation
Diversification
Ensure a balanced allocation across asset classes: equities, debt, real estate, and liquid assets.

Real Estate Management
Optimize Returns
Evaluate the potential of your real estate assets. Consider rental income, property appreciation, and market trends.

Fixed Income Instruments
FD and PF Management
Review the interest rates and tax implications of your FD and PF. Explore options for higher-yielding fixed income instruments.

Mutual Funds
Equity and Debt Funds
Continue investing in MF for growth. Consider a mix of equity and debt funds based on your risk tolerance and investment horizon.

Risk Management
Insurance Coverage
Ensure adequate health and life insurance coverage for yourself and your family. This provides financial security during emergencies.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This provides liquidity and peace of mind.

Tax Planning
Tax-Efficient Investments
Optimize tax benefits through investments like ELSS (Equity-Linked Savings Scheme), tax-free bonds, and NPS (National Pension System).

Capital Gains Tax
Understand the tax implications of selling real estate or MF units. Plan strategically to minimize tax outflows.

Professional Guidance
Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
Consult a Certified Financial Planner to customize your retirement plan. They can provide personalized advice and strategies.

Retirement Transition
Phased Retirement
Consider a phased approach to retirement if you wish to gradually reduce work commitments. This can ease the financial transition.

Financial Review
Regularly review your investment portfolio and retirement plan. Adjustments may be needed based on changing financial goals or market conditions.

Conclusion
Your diversified asset portfolio lays a strong foundation for retirement. Focus on optimizing returns, managing risks, and aligning investments with your retirement goals. Seek professional guidance for a comprehensive retirement plan.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 29, 2024

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Money
My self Shubham , I have agriculture land whose value is around 1.5 cr and right now i m getting 2 lakh rs annually as i have given my land in lease for farming i m thinking to sell my land to put that money some where else what is ur suggestion whether i sell it or not. N what is the future of agriculture land in india if i keep it with self for more 10-15 years right now my age is 27 Thank you
Ans: Dear Shubham,

Thank you for reaching out with your query. Your decision to either sell your agricultural land or retain it for future gains is a significant one and requires careful consideration. Here’s a detailed assessment to help you make an informed decision.

Evaluating the Future of Agricultural Land in India
Increasing Demand for Agricultural Land
India’s growing population and rising food demand suggest that agricultural land will continue to be valuable. The government’s focus on improving agricultural productivity and rural infrastructure could increase land value. Additionally, advancements in agricultural technology can boost land productivity, making agricultural land a potentially lucrative long-term investment.

Urbanization and Industrialization
As urban areas expand, agricultural land near cities may become prime targets for real estate development. This could significantly increase the land's value. However, this also depends on the land’s location and its proximity to urban centers. If your land is near an expanding urban area, its value might appreciate considerably over the next 10-15 years.

Assessing Your Current Returns and Future Potential
Current Lease Income
Currently, you are earning Rs. 2 lakh annually from leasing your land. This provides a steady, although relatively modest, income. Over the next 10-15 years, lease rates might increase, providing higher annual returns. However, this income may not match potential returns from other investment avenues.

Potential Appreciation
Agricultural land has historically shown significant appreciation in value over time. Keeping the land for another 10-15 years might result in a substantial increase in its value, especially if located near growing urban areas or if agricultural policies favor landowners.

Investment Alternatives if You Sell
Mutual Funds
Mutual funds can offer diversified exposure to different asset classes. Actively managed funds, guided by professional fund managers, can potentially provide higher returns than the agricultural lease income. Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to select funds aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Public Provident Fund (PPF) and National Savings Certificate (NSC)
Investing in PPF or NSC can provide stable, tax-free returns with government-backed security. These are suitable for conservative investors looking for long-term wealth accumulation with tax benefits.

Equities and Bonds
Investing in equities offers potential for high returns, though with higher risk. Bonds, on the other hand, provide stable income and are less risky. A balanced portfolio, combining equities and bonds, can offer a good mix of growth and stability.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
SIPs in mutual funds allow for disciplined investing with potential for good returns over the long term. They help mitigate market volatility through rupee cost averaging. This can be a good option for regular and systematic investments.

Pros and Cons of Selling vs. Keeping the Land
Selling the Land
Pros:

Immediate access to a significant amount of capital.
Opportunity to invest in diversified financial instruments.
Potential for higher returns compared to lease income.
Cons:

Loss of a tangible asset that could appreciate over time.
No guarantee that new investments will outperform future land value.
Keeping the Land
Pros:

Steady lease income with potential for future increases.
Possibility of significant value appreciation, especially near urban areas.
Retaining a physical asset provides a sense of security.
Cons:

Lower current returns compared to potential investment alternatives.
Opportunity cost of not utilizing capital for higher returns.
Conclusion
Given your age (27) and the long investment horizon (10-15 years), you have time on your side. If your land is in a promising location near urban expansion, retaining it could be beneficial due to potential appreciation. However, if you seek higher returns and are comfortable with investing in diversified financial instruments, selling the land and reinvesting the proceeds could be a wise choice.

Consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner to develop a personalized investment strategy. They can help balance risk and returns, ensuring your financial goals are met effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 15, 2024Hindi
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Sir I retd teacher given vrs.i am having no savings.i am getting 42000 as monthly pension.i have personal loan 4lakhs and paying 17000 monthly.i have 5cent of land which if I sell I will get 25lakhs.i have no children.i am in my own house.i am getting 4000 as rent.my age is 55.if I sell the property I can live a comfortable life, but a person known to me is telling not to sell now.my only problem is that if i get money I have to spend for farm land.my husband is an officer and he earns about 1lakhs and have saving in pF . can I see the land and put a small amount in farm 2acres of land or can i wait.5cent is ideal.
Ans: Financial Position Assessment

You have a monthly pension of Rs. 42,000 and a personal loan of Rs. 4 lakhs with a monthly EMI of Rs. 17,000. You also receive Rs. 4,000 as rent. Your primary asset is 5 cents of land, valued at Rs. 25 lakhs.

You have no children and live in your own house. Your husband earns Rs. 1 lakh monthly and has savings in PF.

Debt Management

Prioritize repaying the personal loan. The high EMI reduces your disposable income. Consider using part of the land sale proceeds to clear this debt. This will relieve financial stress.

Asset Utilization

Selling your 5 cents of land could provide immediate liquidity. With Rs. 25 lakhs, you can clear your personal loan and still have a significant amount left. This could enhance your financial stability.

Investment Strategy

Instead of reinvesting in farmland, consider diversifying your investments. Farm land can be risky and illiquid. Here are some options to explore:

Mutual Funds: Opt for actively managed mutual funds. They offer potential for higher returns. They also provide professional management.
Fixed Deposits: For safety and guaranteed returns. They offer peace of mind.
Post Office Schemes: Safe and offer decent returns. Ideal for retired individuals.
Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS): Offers regular interest payments. Safe and government-backed.
Income Generation

Continue renting out your property for Rs. 4,000 monthly. This provides a steady income stream.

Insurance Review

Review your insurance policies. Ensure adequate health and term insurance coverage. This protects against unforeseen events.

Husband's Contributions

Leverage your husband's income and savings. His PF savings can be a good backup. Plan together for a secure retirement.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner

A CFP can help you make informed decisions. They offer professional advice tailored to your needs.

Final Insights

Selling your land can provide immediate financial relief. It allows you to clear your personal loan and invest the remaining amount wisely. Diversifying your investments ensures financial stability and regular income.

Avoid reinvesting in farmland due to its risks. Leverage your husband's income and savings for a secure future. Consulting a CFP ensures you make the best decisions for your financial well-being.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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I am a 25 year old girl. I have good job and happy career wise. I am in a relationship with a boy who is very career oriented, and runs from the marriage topic also. My parents are now behind to me to get married. I am also interested in getting married and settle in my. When I told my boyfriend about this. He gets furious. He don’t want to communicate with me on this. He don’t give any attention to my problem. He says if you really love me then you will love and you will do whatever needed to be done. Now everything is on me.I am very confused what to do. I can’t tell my parents about him, as he is not ready. I also have a fear, that this boy is not going to marry me, so am I leaving good boys which my parents are showing me. Am I already late...what if I don’t get anyone, will I have to compromise in my life If I will delay. Please help!!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let me start with the most important thing- you are far from late. You are only 25; I would say this is your time to focus on your career and live a little. But if you are ready for marriage, then that is great too. But do not ever think that it's too late. It isn't even a little late. If anything, in today's day and age, it's early.

Now coming to your boyfriend- have you ever asked him if he has any plans to get married or if he intends to continue this relationship without ever committing to marriage? It's important that you discuss this. And his dialogue, "if you really love me then you will love and you will do whatever needed to be done" doesn't make any sense because you can tell him the same. I suggest you speak to him openly and let him know that you want to get married- if not right now, but somewhere down the line you want marriage. If his intentions are not the same, he should let you know so that you can move on and find someone who shares the same outlook as you. And, to be honest, not paying attention to your problems is concerning. In a relationship, two people should help each other out in times of trouble.

Please have the talk and reconsider the relationship according to how it goes.

Best Wishes.

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I (27M) have recently started searching for prospects through Arranged Marriage Platforms. I got connected with a Lady (25F) & we seemed to be getting along quite well, through chatting & phone calls. When we were planning to meet in person, for our first Date, she picked a place which is one of the most expensive ones in our City & just a single Date over there may cost us around ?10 Thousand. Though, I am earning pretty well (?30Lakh/Annum), I am reluctant to spend so much amount on our First Date, whilst we are still in the process of getting to know each other. If I'd been Married to her, I'd be willing to spend that much for celebrating our Wedding Anniversary. But this is just our First Date & I am not even sure whether we'd be getting Married or not. The Date is scheduled for next Month & I'm still in Dilemma, whether I should request her to meet up at a more affordable venue or ask her to split the expenses, equally or proportionate to our Earning (She earns just around ?6 Lakh/Annum). I'm afraid that being so Straight-forward & upfront about Money Matters, at this stage, might give her a negative impression about me. She seems to be having a lot of Materialistic Expectations from me, as I earn much more than her & she has been hinting me about her expectations such as Expensive Gifts & Vacations abroad. Even though I am a person who's very cautious & disciplined with Money, I'd be glad to spend generously, for the happiness of my Life Partner, but not at this stage, when we haven't even committed to each other. Please suggest me, how can I handle this situation without coming off as too miserly? Moreover, I'm also planning to discuss some important matters, such as how we'd be handling our Finances in the Future. But I am worried, whether it would be appropriate to bring up this matter, in our very first personal meet-up? I'm afraid that she might Judge me as too Money-minded & I might lose out on a suitable match. Please Help me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your concerns are completely valid. Splurging, especially at this stage, is unnecessary. Good connections can be built anywhere; expensive places play no part in it. Also, being disciplined about money is the right approach.

I understand that you are worried about coming off miserly, but you are not. You are merely being responsible. You can suggest another more affordable place and see how she reacts. If she is okay with it, then great. If not, then you should rethink this match. You don't want to marry someone who is in it for the money. Now, coming to discussing how to split the finances, I would suggest you wait a bit. A first date might not be the right place for it. If all goes well, and you think this woman can be a suitable match, bring it up politely on the second or third date, to have clarity on it early on. For instance, you can casually start by giving an example of a friend who recently got married- something like, "Rohan's wife takes care of the groceries and stuff, while he pays off the bill." And then mention that you were wondering how you two should split it if you happen to get married. It is a reasonable question and should not show you off as money-minded. It's always best to discuss these important matters in the initial stages to avoid any conflict in the future.

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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024
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Hello, I am married for 4 years. And someone from my office loves me. He wants me to love him also even if I am married. That office colleague take too much efforts for me, he listens everything about me, he cares about me. But my husband only focused on his work. So I want love, that boy is the best for the love. But loving another man even if you have husband is cheating. I don't know but I feel that I want both of them and I am confused about it. I also love that man from my office. I am so much confused.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are feeling undervalued by your husband but the "I want both of them" approach has never worked out well for anyone, especially in an exclusive relationship. You have a few options here-
You speak to your husband about how the lack of attention from him is affecting you and work on it with him.
Tell him openly about this man and let him know that there's a slight chance that you might develop feelings for him if your husband continues to pay all his focus on work and none on you. This could shake him up from his slumber and help him realize that he has not been fair to you.
Opt for separation- if you do not have an open marriage, you cannot have both of the men. It isn't moral to do this behind your partner's back.

I strongly suggest you consider doing the first option. Communicate your feelings of loneliness to your husband and seek help from a marriage counselor. It can do wonders for your relationship.

Best Wishes.

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Hello Dr.Shakeeb, I’m a 55 yrs male, had stents implanted in 2020 because of bad food habits and lack of regular movement, things have improved since then with better control on food habits. My problem is belly fat which is embarrassing and my weight is 77kgs, I was on knee braces for last 30 days bcoz of a slight ligament strain, so not able to do strenuous exercises. Pls suggest a workable regime for belly fat elimination considering my case history.
Ans: Hello Sir. Thank you for your query. Reducing belly fat requires a combination of calorie control, low-impact exercises, and lifestyle changes, tailored to your health history. Start by maintaining a slight calorie deficit of 200-300 kcal/day, focusing on a balanced diet rich in lean proteins, complex carbs, and healthy fats while avoiding sugary and processed foods. Drink 2-3 liters of water daily to stay hydrated. Engage in low-impact activities like brisk walking for 30-40 minutes daily, which is gentle on the knees and heart-friendly. Incorporate simple core-strengthening exercises such as pelvic tilts, seated knee lifts, and standing side bends to activate abdominal muscles without straining your knees. As your ligament strain heals, consult Physiotherapist about gradually increasing exercise intensity, including light resistance training. Prioritize 7-8 hours of quality sleep and manage stress through mindfulness to lower cortisol levels, which can contribute to belly fat. Small, frequent meals can keep your metabolism active, and tracking progress through waist measurements rather than just weight will help you stay motivated. These adjustments will promote gradual, sustainable fat loss while ensuring safety and heart health. I wish you healthy and active lifestyle.

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Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

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Dear Anu Krishna, I'm 48 married with 2 kids daughter in 10th and son in 5th. Wife works as a VP in a large firm. Since post COVID there has been almost no intimacy. I tried to talk to her and she says that I'm a sex maniac. I said once in six months at least she says not interested. She s fit in good health exercises and all tests are ok. Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. We go on tours and trips and functions and everything externally is normal. I buy her gifts and we go out to restaurants etc. Everything except intimacy. I've tried to talk about 50 times but she doesn't want to talk not seek any help. Infact the signs of this started from 2016. She's 43 now. I m thinking of now seperating from her. Im really fed up. Nothing is working, and she's adamant. I've pulled on for kids but maybe I can be together for a few more years. I can't live with her forever. You generally ask people to get help and talk etc which is done and tried and yet no solution. Can you agree for once that there is a genuine case to not continue It's my life I know but I think I'm 100% right and that i have hit the end of the road. Inhold you in high regard hence writing to you Sameer
Ans: Dear Sachin,
Thank you for your kind and respectful acknowledgement of me.
Now,
You wrote:
Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. - What was shocking? You have not shared this!

Lack of interest in sex can be due to:
- change in hormones
- boredom in the bedroom routine
- lack of intimacy outside the bedroom

Now, what I must agree on is something that we can keep aside, yeah? My job is to try and guide people to put things together of course, if that's what they want. You seem to have already believed that nothing can work; how can anyone guide you? When you claim that you nothing is working, I will still ask you, "How do you know that you have tried everything to know that nothing is working?"

Also, if you have decided to separate, what more can I suggest? You feel that you are 100% right, BUT you know what: If you actually were 100% right, you would not be here checking in with me...Just playing the mirror here for you.
I still would suggest that you work on your marriage; communicate and rebuild...it's a long path BUT the fruits of it can be amazing!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi , I am married 2.5 years ago to a man , who is very less in education compared to me , this marriage was done as a compromise or in worries about my future as my parents are no more .. He and his family is average in all case ..cleanliness, hygeiene , social relations, religious practices , education , self respect , financial well being ... all these things are either meaningless for them or they vary poor in those . Nor even they have moral values , as they have cheated me by hiding my husband's age to me . I told them that we strongly believe in astrology and will not go without it . Still they gave me wrong information about his age and he is very elder to me .As I am well educated , employed and self dependant. So they somehow trapped me for marriage. After 3-4 months of marriage my husband was diagnosed (a type of oral cancer) caused due to consuming gutkha and ciggarettes. He lied and denied to have any disease still i started his medication . In some time I lost my job also still continued his treatment , tried to help him in his business , it made a big impact on my sqving too :( But because of his careless business practice , it didnt work for him. Also I paid many times his car's EMI . And supported in all types of expenses be it house hold , his medication or business . He has parental properties in village but they are hardly using it for their own use and wanted to use my money till now . As I now denied to give more money , now they have started looking to sell or rent / lease their property for their use . I have spent lot of money on them , I hardly believe they will try to pay it out fully to me or give some part of property for my safe future now :( I am now 43 and have no children . At other hand my brother is also alone( even being his wife and 2 sons) Wife is quarrelsome and has a history of false case of dowry on my brother and due to this my brother and my family sufferered a lot , its been 20 years now . But this has tortured my brother me and my mother a lot in past .Sis-in-law never let my nephews to stay or sit for some time with us (me or my mother ). And now as my both nephews have grown up my sis-in-law told them lie as if she was victim and , we were the culprit . Children were innocent , they didnt knew the fact , hence taking mother's side now. I thought that as my sis-in-law doesn't like us so unwillingly I decided to marry with a compromise , thinking that after my marriage all will be fine in brother's home , But nothing improved. And now my brother , after my marriage is emotionally alone at home , I feel very sorry about this . I want to go back and take care of my brother , as now he is 53 and emotionally very weak , diabetic and suffering other disease too . Sis-in-law is least interested in his health , care .. so as her children. Going back to parental (it is my father's home, so i also have legal right on that property )home and leaving husband is not so easy, .. Elder Nephew and sis-in-law can become very violent as they are always . I dont want to endanger my brother's health and if I dont go then also .. brother is taking care of him alone ..that too very casually ..how can i make all things correct . Please suggest .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Hello! Excuse me...
Take care of yourself first before trying to save someone else.
Your brother is a grown man and knows what is to be done. Allow him to process his life's situations. By stepping into it especially in your state of mind will make things worse. Also, if you want guidance on this, kindly post another question else it will get confusing for all of us here.

First think of what you must do to make things better for yourself. Ask yourself whether you are interested in continuing the marriage. A lot of your time, money and energy has been invested in it and based on a lie. You have no clue what else they have lied about...do you want a marriage that is standing on a bed of lies? is it possible for you to trust your husband and his family all over again? What can they do so that you place trust in them again?

If this is not possible, the you are in a place where you need to make decisions about your marriage and your life in general.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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