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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 04, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2024Hindi
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Hi sir.. I have invested 2000 rs sip in each of the following funds. 1.parag Parikh flexi cap 2.pgim flexi cap 3.canara robecco emerging equities 4.sbi magnum midcap 5.bandhan banking and psu fund I am 27 years old and have been investing in these funds since 3 years..plz check my funds and give me some suggestions if needed

Ans: It seems like you have a well-diversified portfolio with exposure to different market segments and investment styles. However, here are a few suggestions to consider:

Review Performance: Evaluate the performance of each fund relative to its benchmark and peers. Look for consistent performance over different market cycles. If any fund consistently underperforms, consider replacing it with a better-performing alternative.

Assess Diversification: Ensure that your portfolio is adequately diversified across asset classes, sectors, and market capitalizations. While you have exposure to flexi-cap, mid-cap, and banking sectors, consider if there are any gaps in your diversification that need to be addressed.

Risk Management: Consider your risk tolerance and investment horizon when reviewing your portfolio. Mid-cap and emerging equities funds tend to be more volatile, so make sure you're comfortable with the level of risk in your portfolio.

Stay Informed: Stay updated on market developments and periodically review your portfolio to make necessary adjustments based on changing market conditions or personal circumstances.

Long-Term Perspective: Since you're relatively young with a long investment horizon, focus on long-term wealth creation and avoid making impulsive decisions based on short-term market fluctuations.

Overall, continue to monitor your portfolio regularly and make adjustments as needed to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Consider consulting with a financial advisor for personalized advice based on your individual situation.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 27, 2024

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Hello sir, i am 32 years old and just started a SIP investment of 7K per month for the following funds for wealth creation for next 10 - 15 years. Core portfolio (60%) 1. Parag Parikh flexicap fund - 1.5K 2. JM Flexicap - 2K 3. Navi Nifty 50 - 0.5K Satellite portfolio (40%) 1. Kotak Emerging Equity Fund - 0.8K 2. JM Midcap fund - 1K 3. Tata smallcap fund - 0.7K 4. Edelweiss midcap 150 momentum 50 - 0.5K Could please review and advise me whether the above funds is to be considered good. Please provide some suggestions if changes required.
Ans: Your SIP portfolio seems well-diversified across various categories of equity funds, which is a good approach for long-term wealth creation. Let's review each fund and provide some suggestions:

Core Portfolio (60%):

Parag Parikh Flexicap Fund: This fund follows a flexible investment approach across large, mid, and small-cap stocks. It's known for its quality stock selection and has delivered consistent returns over the years.
JM Flexicap Fund: Another flexi-cap fund, providing exposure to companies across market capitalizations. Ensure you review its performance and consistency compared to peers.
Navi Nifty 50: Investing in an index fund like Navi Nifty 50 provides exposure to India's top 50 companies. It's a low-cost option with a focus on large-cap stocks.
Satellite Portfolio (40%):

Kotak Emerging Equity Fund: This fund focuses on emerging companies with high growth potential. Review its performance and ensure it aligns with your risk appetite.
JM Midcap Fund: Mid-cap funds like JM Midcap can offer higher growth potential but come with higher volatility. Monitor its performance and risk closely.
Tata Smallcap Fund: Investing in small-cap funds can provide exposure to high-growth companies. Ensure you're comfortable with the risk associated with small-cap investing.
Edelweiss Midcap 150 Momentum 50: This fund follows a momentum-based investment strategy, focusing on mid-cap stocks showing positive price momentum. Understand its investment approach and risk profile.
Suggestions:

Monitor Performance: Regularly review the performance of your funds and ensure they're meeting your expectations. Consider replacing underperforming funds with better alternatives.
Risk Management: Given the higher allocation to mid-cap and small-cap funds in your portfolio, be prepared for higher volatility. Ensure your risk tolerance aligns with the risk profile of these funds.
Review Fund Selection: Consider diversifying across fund houses to reduce concentration risk. Also, consider adding an international equity fund or a debt fund for further diversification.
Long-Term Perspective: Stay focused on your long-term investment horizon and avoid making knee-jerk reactions based on short-term market movements.
Overall, your SIP portfolio appears well-structured for wealth creation over the next 10-15 years. However, regularly monitoring and reviewing your portfolio's performance is essential to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Consider consulting with a financial advisor for personalized guidance based on your individual circumstances.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 28, 2024

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Hi, I am 22 years old doing SIP of Rs. 16,000 in following funds :- 1. Quant Flexi Cap Fund:- Rs. 4000 2. Parag Parikh Flexi Cap:- Rs. 3000 3. Nippon India Large Cap Fund:- 2000 4. HDFC Balanced Advantage Fund:- 2000 5. Quant Mid Cap Fund:- 1500 6. Motilal Oswal Mid Cap Fund:- 1500 7. Bandhan Small Cap Fund:- 1000 8. Axis Small Cap Fund:- 1000 Please do a review my portfolio as well as these selected funds. Also please give your suggestions. Thank you!
Ans: Your dedication to investing at such a young age is impressive and sets a strong foundation for your financial future. Let’s review your current portfolio and provide suggestions for optimization.

Portfolio Review
Diversification Across Funds
You have diversified across various categories, including flexi cap, large cap, balanced advantage, mid cap, and small cap funds. Diversification helps in spreading risk and capturing growth from different market segments.

Fund Categories and Allocation
Flexi Cap Funds: These funds offer flexibility to invest across market capitalizations. They balance risk and reward effectively.

Large Cap Funds: Large cap funds are stable and less volatile, providing consistent returns over time.

Balanced Advantage Funds: These funds dynamically manage equity and debt, offering a balanced approach to growth and stability.

Mid Cap Funds: Mid cap funds are riskier but can deliver higher returns than large cap funds. They offer growth potential.

Small Cap Funds: Small cap funds are the most volatile but can provide significant growth over the long term.

Recommendations for Portfolio Optimization
Assessing Risk and Returns
Your portfolio is well-diversified but leans towards higher risk with significant exposure to mid and small cap funds. At your age, a higher risk tolerance is understandable, but it’s crucial to maintain a balance.

Adjusting Fund Allocation
Increase Allocation to Large Cap and Balanced Advantage Funds: These funds provide stability and consistent returns. Increasing your investment in these funds can balance the risk from mid and small cap funds.

Review Flexi Cap Funds Allocation: You have a substantial allocation to flexi cap funds. Ensure these funds are performing well and meeting your investment goals.

Monitor Mid and Small Cap Funds: Keep an eye on the performance of mid and small cap funds. Consider reducing exposure if they are too volatile for your risk tolerance.

Regular vs. Direct Funds
Investing through regular funds with the help of a Certified Financial Planner ensures you receive expert guidance. This helps in making informed decisions and optimizing your investment strategy.

Long-Term Investment Strategy
Goals and Time Horizon
Identify your financial goals and time horizon. Long-term goals like retirement or buying a house can tolerate higher risks. Short-term goals require safer investments.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Continue with your SIPs to benefit from rupee cost averaging. This reduces the impact of market volatility and helps in disciplined investing.

Emergency Fund
Ensure you have an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses. This provides financial security in case of unforeseen events.

Health and Life Insurance
Consider getting adequate health and life insurance coverage. This protects your investments and provides financial security to your family.

Conclusion
Your proactive approach to investing is excellent. By adjusting your fund allocation and maintaining a balanced risk profile, you can achieve your financial goals more effectively. Regular reviews and guidance from a Certified Financial Planner will ensure your investments stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Gurus, I'm investing 29k Sip in below funds. Can you pls look into these and suggest if any changes needed for better. 1. Uti nifty 50 index - 4k 2. Parag parikh flexicap - 6k 3. Jm flexi cap - 6k 4. Quant midcap - 6k 5. Quant smallcap - 3k 6. Nippon india small cap - 4k
Ans: You have a well-diversified SIP portfolio with an investment of Rs 29,000 per month. This includes exposure to large-cap, flexi-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. The diversity in your portfolio is commendable. It reflects a balanced approach, combining growth and stability. However, there is always room for optimization.

Re-evaluating the Index Fund Allocation
Your current allocation includes an index fund. Index funds track the market and are passively managed. While they are low-cost, they may not outperform actively managed funds over the long term.

Actively managed funds provide the advantage of expert fund management. This can lead to better returns, especially in a dynamic market like India. It might be beneficial to shift this allocation to a well-managed large-cap or multi-cap fund. This could enhance the growth potential of your portfolio.

Flexi-Cap Funds: A Balanced Approach
You have allocated Rs 12,000 in flexi-cap funds. Flexi-cap funds are versatile as they invest across market capitalizations. This flexibility allows fund managers to capitalize on market opportunities.

However, ensure that both flexi-cap funds are distinct in their investment strategy. Overlapping strategies may reduce diversification benefits. Consider reviewing the performance and investment style of these funds. This will help you avoid redundancy and maximize your portfolio's growth.

Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds: Growth Potential with Risk
Your portfolio has a significant allocation to mid-cap and small-cap funds. Mid-cap and small-cap funds are known for their high growth potential. However, they also come with increased volatility.

It is important to ensure that your risk appetite aligns with this allocation. Mid-cap and small-cap funds should ideally form a smaller portion of your portfolio if you are risk-averse. On the other hand, if you are comfortable with market fluctuations, these funds can contribute to long-term wealth creation.

Considering the Overlap in Small-Cap Funds
You have two small-cap funds in your portfolio. While small-cap funds offer high growth, having multiple funds in the same category might lead to overlap. This could reduce the effectiveness of diversification.

You may want to consolidate your investment into one well-performing small-cap fund. This will simplify your portfolio and potentially enhance returns. Focus on a fund with a strong track record and consistent performance.

The Importance of Regular Portfolio Review
Your SIP portfolio should be regularly reviewed to align with your financial goals. Markets and fund performances change over time. A Certified Financial Planner can help you make necessary adjustments.

Regular reviews will help in identifying underperforming funds. They will also help in capitalizing on new opportunities. This proactive approach ensures that your portfolio remains on track to achieve your financial objectives.

Benefits of Professional Guidance
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner provides several advantages. These professionals offer personalized advice tailored to your financial situation. They also have the expertise to navigate market complexities and optimize your portfolio.

Direct funds, while low-cost, may not offer the same level of guidance. Investing through regular funds with a CFP’s advice can lead to better financial outcomes. The value of professional expertise often outweighs the cost.

Tax Efficiency and Investment Planning
Your investment strategy should also consider tax efficiency. Equity mutual funds offer tax benefits, especially for long-term investors. However, tax laws can change, and it’s important to stay updated.

A Certified Financial Planner can help you optimize your tax liabilities. They can guide you on how to structure your investments to maximize post-tax returns. This is a crucial aspect of building and preserving wealth.

Aligning Investments with Financial Goals
Every investment should be aligned with your financial goals. Whether you are saving for retirement, buying a house, or funding your children's education, each goal requires a different strategy.

It’s important to map your SIPs to specific goals. This will help you track progress and make adjustments as needed. A goal-based approach ensures that your investments are purposeful and effective.

Balancing Growth and Stability
While your portfolio is growth-oriented, it’s essential to maintain a balance with stability. Growth funds can provide high returns, but they also carry higher risk.

Consider allocating a portion of your portfolio to debt funds or balanced funds. These funds offer stability and protect against market downturns. This balanced approach can safeguard your portfolio during volatile times.

Final Insights
Your current SIP portfolio is well-structured with a strong focus on growth through equity funds. You’ve done a commendable job in diversifying across different market capitalizations. However, to further optimize your portfolio, a few adjustments and considerations can enhance your investment strategy.

Here’s a recap of the key recommendations:

Reevaluate the Index Fund Allocation: Consider shifting your investment from the index fund to an actively managed large-cap or multi-cap fund. Actively managed funds offer the potential for higher returns due to expert management.

Review Flexi-Cap Funds: Ensure there’s no overlap between the two flexi-cap funds. They should have distinct investment strategies to maximize diversification benefits.

Manage Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Exposure: Given the inherent volatility of mid-cap and small-cap funds, assess your risk tolerance. If necessary, consolidate your small-cap funds to avoid redundancy and simplify your portfolio.

Regular Portfolio Review: Regularly reviewing your portfolio is crucial. It helps in making timely adjustments and ensuring your investments align with your financial goals. A Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and guidance.

Tax Efficiency: Optimize your portfolio for tax efficiency. A CFP can help you navigate tax laws and structure your investments to maximize post-tax returns.

Align Investments with Financial Goals: Map your SIPs to specific financial goals. This goal-based approach ensures that each investment serves a clear purpose, helping you track progress and make informed adjustments.

Balance Growth with Stability: While your portfolio is geared towards growth, consider adding some stability through debt or balanced funds. This will help protect your investments during market downturns.

By implementing these recommendations, you can enhance the effectiveness of your SIP investments. It’s important to stay proactive and adaptable as market conditions and personal circumstances evolve. Your commitment to investing is commendable, and with the right strategy, you can achieve your financial goals more effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 28, 2024
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Thanks You Very Much Ma'am For Your Answer. The Reason For Not Using Instagram Was Cause I Didn't Wanted To Look At Any Other Women Instead Of Her. My Intentions Were Pure. Also I Didn't wanted a thing which can spark of cheating so there will be no fire. I am open minded I told her I will accept it. Problem is that affair continued even after engagement and marriage (till 9 months of marriage) But today's condition is that i think she has lost interest. We have tradition inwhich wife goes to their home and stay for 2-3 months. Her mother has been so influential from beginning so am telling her to comeback. She is not ready to comeback even when I am sick. I told her to come back for at least 4-5 days so we can talk. I am afraid she will mindwash her. And I can see that. I have given the best possible time yet she is complaining that I don't give time. When I told her to come back she overeated that she will never go there and that. She wasn't like this. She was with me in my everything. I am so confused. I have forgiven & forgotten everything about the past still... What do you suggest ma'am???
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
I have already made my suggestions in the initial response. Start afresh and wipe the slate clean. Rebuilding trust cannot happen overnight, so give the marriage a fair GO.
What you have shared again are problems and when you stay in that Zone, you will only be able to focus on problems. When there is an intention to solve the issue, the prerequisite is to move away from all the things that have gone wrong/bad and all the things that you think will go wrong/bad. That's the only way to solve problems. So my suggestions are still the same.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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