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How should a 25-year-old earning 50k manage their salary?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 01, 2025

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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Money

Hello sir, I am Ganesh, unmarried and just started 25 years old in life..I am earning 50k per month salary. I need a detailed plan for managing my salary in different areas. My expenses 15000 Save money for parents Have to invest somewhere for future use Have to save some amount for emergency situations. Extra expenses Could you please give me a detailed process on it.

Ans: At 25, you have a great opportunity to build a strong financial base. Managing your salary properly now will help you in the future. Below is a detailed breakdown of how to allocate your income effectively.

1. Understanding Your Monthly Income and Expenses

Your monthly salary is Rs. 50,000.

Fixed expenses, including rent, food, and bills, are Rs. 15,000.

You want to save for your parents.

You need to invest for future growth.

You want to save for emergencies.

You have extra expenses that vary.

A structured approach will help you meet all these goals.

2. Allocating Your Salary Efficiently

A good way to divide your income is using a structured plan. You can follow this method:

50% for essential expenses – This covers rent, food, bills, and necessary costs.

30% for investments and savings – This will help grow your money over time.

10% for emergency savings – This ensures you have money for unexpected situations.

10% for extra expenses and lifestyle – This is for entertainment, travel, and hobbies.

This allocation ensures that you balance living today and securing your future.

3. Managing Fixed Expenses

Your fixed expenses are Rs. 15,000, which is 30% of your salary.

You are already spending within a good limit.

Always track where your money is going.

Avoid unnecessary spending on subscriptions and impulse shopping.

Use cashback offers and discounts whenever possible.

Reducing unnecessary spending can increase your savings and investments.

4. Supporting Your Parents Financially

Set aside a fixed amount every month for them.

If they need medical support, consider a health insurance plan.

Instead of giving a lump sum, help them with small monthly contributions.

Discuss their financial needs so you can plan effectively.

Even a small, regular contribution will make a big difference over time.

5. Saving for Emergency Situations

You should have at least 6 months’ expenses saved for emergencies.

Set aside Rs. 5,000 per month in a liquid fund or savings account.

This money should only be used for medical, job loss, or urgent needs.

Keep the emergency fund separate from other savings.

This fund will provide peace of mind during unexpected financial difficulties.

6. Investing for Future Growth

Your investments should be planned based on your goals and risk tolerance.

Mutual Funds: Start SIPs in equity mutual funds to build wealth.

PPF: Invest Rs. 12,500 annually for safe long-term growth.

NPS: Consider investing in NPS for retirement savings and tax benefits.

Gold: Avoid investing in physical gold, but digital gold or gold ETFs can be considered.

Investing early will help your money grow faster over time.

7. Managing Extra Expenses and Lifestyle Costs

Keep a budget for travel, entertainment, and hobbies.

Avoid spending too much on unnecessary things.

Use credit cards carefully and pay bills on time.

If you want to upgrade your lifestyle, increase your income first.

Planning for extra expenses ensures you enjoy life without financial stress.

8. Planning for Career Growth

Your salary will increase over time, so plan for future growth.

Upskill yourself with new courses to get better job opportunities.

Consider setting aside money for certifications or higher studies.

Networking and learning new skills can boost your income.

Improving your career will increase your earning potential and financial stability.

9. Tax Planning to Save Money

Use deductions under Section 80C by investing in PPF, ELSS, or NPS.

Get health insurance to save tax under Section 80D.

Keep records of all investments and expenses to file tax returns easily.

Use HRA and other tax-saving options to reduce taxable income.

Smart tax planning will help you keep more of your earnings.

10. Tracking and Adjusting Your Financial Plan

Review your budget every month.

Track investments and savings to ensure you are on the right path.

Increase your investment amounts whenever your salary increases.

Avoid unnecessary debt and maintain financial discipline.

Regular tracking helps in achieving long-term financial success.

Finally

You have made a great decision to plan your finances early. By following this structured plan, you can balance your expenses, support your parents, save for emergencies, and invest for a secure future.

Stay disciplined, track your finances regularly, and keep increasing your savings as your income grows.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 11, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello I am 28 year old my in hand salary is 40kpm I am married women currently no child. How I manage my expense and savings ? In which fund I invest for secure future.
Ans: First, let's understand your current financial standing. With an in-hand salary of Rs 40,000 per month, you have a stable income. Being married and currently without children provides a unique opportunity to focus on building a strong financial foundation.

Compliments and Understanding

You're already ahead by thinking about your financial future. Many don't plan at your age. It shows your foresight and responsibility. Your proactive approach is commendable and will surely pave the way for a secure financial future.

Creating a Budget

A budget is the cornerstone of financial planning. It helps track income and expenses, ensuring that you live within your means and save for future goals.

Step-by-Step Budgeting

Income: Your monthly take-home salary is Rs 40,000.

Essential Expenses: Include rent, groceries, utilities, transportation, and healthcare. Aim to keep these below 50% of your income, which would be Rs 20,000.

Discretionary Expenses: Allocate 30% of your income to dining out, entertainment, and personal shopping. This would be Rs 12,000.

Savings and Investments: The remaining 20%, or Rs 8,000, should go towards savings and investments.

Emergency Fund

An emergency fund is a financial safety net. It should cover 3-6 months' worth of essential expenses.

Building an Emergency Fund

Start by setting aside a portion of your savings each month until you reach this target. A liquid fund is ideal for this purpose due to its low risk and easy access.

Investment Strategy

Investing wisely is crucial for wealth creation. Given your profile, a mix of investment options can provide stability and growth.

Mutual Funds

Mutual funds are excellent for long-term wealth creation. They offer diversification, professional management, and flexibility.

Actively Managed Funds: These funds aim to outperform the market through expert selection of securities. They are ideal for those who seek higher returns and are comfortable with moderate risk.

SIP (Systematic Investment Plan)

SIPs allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly. It inculcates discipline and averages out the cost of investment over time, reducing the impact of market volatility.

Debt Funds

Debt funds are suitable for conservative investors. They invest in fixed-income securities and provide steady returns with lower risk.

Diversification

Diversification reduces risk by spreading investments across different asset classes. This ensures that poor performance in one area does not drastically impact your overall portfolio.

Insurance Planning

Insurance is crucial for financial security. It protects against unforeseen events and ensures that your family's needs are met in your absence.

Life Insurance

Opt for a term plan with adequate coverage. Term plans offer high coverage at low premiums and are ideal for income replacement.

Health Insurance

Healthcare costs are rising. A comprehensive health insurance policy covers medical expenses, ensuring that your savings are not depleted by medical emergencies.

Retirement Planning

Retirement planning is essential for financial independence in later years. Start early to benefit from the power of compounding.

NPS (National Pension System)

NPS is a government-backed pension scheme. It offers tax benefits and helps build a retirement corpus.

Mutual Funds for Retirement

Equity mutual funds are ideal for long-term growth. They have the potential to generate higher returns, aiding in building a substantial retirement corpus.

Tax Planning

Efficient tax planning increases disposable income. Utilize available deductions and exemptions to reduce tax liability.

Section 80C Investments

Investments under Section 80C of the Income Tax Act offer tax deductions. Options include PPF, EPF, and ELSS.

Health Insurance Premiums

Premiums paid for health insurance qualify for deductions under Section 80D. This reduces taxable income while ensuring health coverage.

Goal-Based Planning

Financial goals provide direction and motivation. Categorize them into short-term, medium-term, and long-term goals.

Short-Term Goals

These include building an emergency fund and saving for a vacation or a gadget. Allocate funds in liquid or short-term debt funds.

Medium-Term Goals

These could be saving for a car or a down payment on a house. Consider balanced funds or debt funds for these goals.

Long-Term Goals

Long-term goals include children's education, retirement, and wealth creation. Equity mutual funds and SIPs are suitable for these goals due to their potential for high returns over time.

Review and Rebalance

Regular review of your financial plan is crucial. It ensures that your investments align with your goals and risk tolerance.

Annual Review

Conduct an annual review of your financial plan. Assess your progress and make necessary adjustments.

Rebalancing

Rebalancing involves realigning the weightings of your portfolio. It helps maintain the desired level of risk and return.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

Certain financial mistakes can derail your plans. Being aware of these can help you avoid them.

Overspending

Stick to your budget and avoid impulse purchases. This ensures that you live within your means and save for future goals.

Inadequate Insurance

Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance. This protects against financial hardships due to unforeseen events.

Ignoring Inflation

Inflation erodes the value of money over time. Ensure your investments generate returns that outpace inflation.

Investment Tips

Here are some additional tips to enhance your investment strategy.

Start Early

The earlier you start investing, the more time your money has to grow. This maximizes the benefits of compounding.

Stay Invested

Stay invested for the long term to ride out market volatility. Short-term market fluctuations should not deter you from your financial goals.

Seek Professional Advice

A certified financial planner can provide personalized advice. They can help you create a tailored financial plan that aligns with your goals and risk tolerance.

Final Insights

Your proactive approach towards financial planning is commendable. By creating a budget, building an emergency fund, investing wisely, and planning for insurance and retirement, you're on the right path. Regular reviews and avoiding common pitfalls will ensure that you stay on track.

Your financial journey is unique, and with careful planning and disciplined execution, you can achieve your financial goals. Remember, the key to financial success is consistency and patience.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 30, 2025

Money
My salary was 30000 and my savings was 00 and my personal loan was playing around 15k,and my bike emi was 7800 and my rent was 3000,so please suggest how can i manage my salary for future
Ans: Thank you for being honest about your current situation.

You have shown courage to seek help.
That itself is a big step forward.

Rs. 30,000 monthly salary with high EMIs is difficult.
Still, with discipline, you can turn things around.

Let us build your financial plan slowly.

It will not be easy in the beginning.
But with steady action, you can move forward.

? Understand Your Cash Flow

– Salary is Rs. 30,000 per month.
– Personal loan EMI is Rs. 15,000.
– Bike EMI is Rs. 7,800.
– Rent is Rs. 3,000.
– Total fixed expenses are already Rs. 25,800.
– That leaves only Rs. 4,200 per month.
– This is not enough for food, transport, and savings.

? Manage Personal Loan First

– Personal loan EMI is too high.
– Rs. 15,000 EMI on Rs. 30,000 salary is 50%.
– That is putting pressure on your life.
– Call your bank.
– Request for EMI reduction or extension of tenure.
– Even 2 years extra can reduce EMI.
– Explore loan consolidation if possible.
– Goal is to reduce EMI to under Rs. 10,000.
– If you get bonus or extra income, repay loan part.
– Do not take new loans until old one is cleared.

? Consider Postponing Bike EMI Temporarily

– Rs. 7,800 bike EMI is also high.
– If bike is not essential, try to sell it.
– Use the money to close the loan.
– Or check if loan can be restructured.
– Focus on reducing total EMI burden.
– If both loans continue, your cash flow will stay tight.
– Cut this pressure as soon as possible.

? Keep Rent Low and Fixed

– Rent is Rs. 3,000, which is okay.
– Do not shift to bigger house now.
– Save housing upgrade for later.
– Keep rent stable for 2–3 years.

? Control Daily and Monthly Expenses

– You have only Rs. 4,200 left after EMIs and rent.
– You must control daily spending strictly.
– Use cash envelope method.
– Withdraw Rs. 4,000 and use only that for month.
– No food delivery, no online shopping.
– Carry food from home if possible.
– Take public transport or walk more.
– Every rupee saved helps future plan.

? Start Emergency Fund Slowly

– Once EMI pressure reduces, start saving small.
– Start with Rs. 500 per month.
– Put it in a separate savings account.
– Do not touch for monthly expenses.
– This is your emergency fund.
– Build it till it reaches Rs. 15,000 first.
– Later grow it to Rs. 50,000.
– This protects you from sudden expenses.

? No Mutual Funds or SIPs Now

– Right now, you should not invest in mutual funds.
– You are not yet ready for that step.
– First clear your loan.
– Then save some emergency money.
– After that, SIP can start slowly.
– Don’t follow others blindly.
– Build your base first.

? Avoid Taking Direct Funds Later

– When you start mutual fund SIPs later,
do not go for direct funds.
– Direct funds look cheaper.
– But they give no service or guidance.
– You may choose wrong funds or stop at wrong time.
– Invest only through regular funds with MFD and CFP support.
– It gives proper support during ups and downs.

? Stay Away from Index Funds Always

– Index funds copy market blindly.
– They do not protect in crashes.
– Actively managed funds adjust faster.
– They give better performance long-term.
– Index funds have no human expertise.
– You need a strong planner-backed fund.

? Avoid Real Estate and Annuities

– Do not buy land or flats for investment.
– They need big money and have poor liquidity.
– Also, do not go for annuities.
– They give poor returns and no flexibility.
– Focus on mutual funds later, when ready.

? Build Basic Insurance Cover

– If you don’t have term insurance, don’t buy now.
– Wait till your EMI load reduces.
– But try to get health insurance of Rs. 3–5 lakhs.
– It avoids medical burden later.
– Pick simple policy with low premium.

? Boost Income Wherever Possible

– Try part-time jobs if possible.
– Use evening or weekend hours.
– Look for online skill-based income.
– Tutoring, delivery jobs, freelancing may help.
– Even Rs. 3,000 extra per month makes a difference.
– Use any bonus or gift to repay loan faster.

? Track Everything on Paper

– Write down your income and expenses.
– Use small diary or free mobile app.
– Know how much you spend on food, mobile, transport.
– Cut non-essentials wherever possible.
– Monthly review builds control.

? Follow 3-Phase Strategy

– Phase 1: Clear loans and manage cash flow.
– Phase 2: Start saving monthly and build emergency fund.
– Phase 3: Begin investing through SIP in regular mutual funds.

– Don’t rush between phases.
– Spend minimum 6–8 months per phase.
– Don’t skip steps.
– Each phase builds a solid base.

? Build Discipline First

– Success comes from habits, not income alone.
– Learn to say no to wasteful spending.
– Control emotional buying.
– Set simple goals each month.
– Celebrate small wins like saving Rs. 500.

? Create Basic Safety Net First

– No big moves till loans are cleared.
– No credit card debt.
– No new EMI for TV, phone or furniture.
– Wait for better cash flow first.

? Focus on Financial Literacy Slowly

– Read simple articles on saving and budgeting.
– Watch short videos in Tamil or Hindi.
– Learn about compounding and inflation.
– Don’t follow tips or hot stocks.
– Real wealth grows slow and steady.

? Finally

– You are under pressure now, but not stuck forever.
– Clear personal loan and bike loan first.
– Keep expenses tight and focused.
– Save little by little in emergency fund.
– Then start SIPs in mutual funds.
– Use only regular funds with Certified Financial Planner support.
– Avoid index funds, direct funds, and real estate.
– Stay away from annuities.
– Focus only on your financial freedom.
– Track your money monthly.
– Improve your skills and income slowly.
– You can build wealth step by step.
– It takes time, but it is possible.
– Stay hopeful and stay disciplined.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Money
Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
Ans: Hi,

You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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