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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 23, 2025

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Prajwal Question by Prajwal on Apr 16, 2025
Money

Hello Sir. I currently have a home loan of 52 lakhs with 16 years remaining on the tenure. Following the recent RBI repo rate update, my interest rate has been reduced to 8%. I now have a lump sum of 5 lakhs available. Could you please advise whether it's more beneficial to use this amount to make a prepayment towards the principal of my home loan or to invest it in stocks or mutual funds? Which option would offer better financial returns in the long run - closing the loan early or investing for potential growth?

Ans: Many banks have marginally reduced home loan interest rates, and your current rate at 8% is already among the better ones in the market.

Now, let's evaluate your decision clearly and simply — whether to use the Rs. 5 lakh lump sum to prepay your home loan or invest it for long-term growth.

 

Understanding the Current Loan and Investment Scenario
You have a home loan of Rs. 52 lakh.

 

The remaining tenure is 16 years.

 

Current interest rate is 8% per annum.

 

You have Rs. 5 lakh available for use.

 

You are thinking whether to prepay or invest.

 

This is a common and important financial decision.

 

We must assess it from all angles before choosing.

 

The right decision depends on goal, emotion, tax, and future cash flows.

 

Emotional Perspective: Peace of Mind vs. Growth
Prepaying reduces debt. It gives mental peace.

 

You feel more in control. EMI burden reduces.

 

You sleep better with lower outstanding balance.

 

But it stops your money from growing faster.

 

Investing in mutual funds or stocks offers growth.

 

But it comes with risk and market ups and downs.

 

If peace matters more, prepaying makes sense.

 

If growth is your priority, investing is better.

 

Know what feels right to you emotionally first.

 

Loan Prepayment: What Happens Financially
Your interest rate is 8% now.

 

If you prepay Rs. 5 lakh, your total interest reduces.

 

Your tenure may reduce. Or EMI may reduce.

 

Prepayment early in the loan saves more interest.

 

It gives guaranteed return. No risk is involved.

 

The effective return is same as your loan rate.

 

So, prepayment offers you a risk-free 8% return.

 

There is no tax to pay for this gain.

 

It is also simple and stress-free to do.

 

But once paid, that money is locked.

 

You can’t use it again unless you refinance.

 

Prepaying also lowers your home loan tax benefits.

 

Home Loan Tax Benefits You Must Consider
You claim Rs. 2 lakh yearly deduction on interest.

 

You also claim Rs. 1.5 lakh under 80C for principal.

 

These benefits reduce your taxable income.

 

So, effective cost of loan is less than 8%.

 

If you prepay, these benefits reduce or stop.

 

That means you lose part of the tax advantage.

 

If your tax slab is 30%, loan cost is closer to 5.6%.

 

In this case, investing may be better long-term.

 

Investing That Rs. 5 Lakh: Pros and Potential
You can invest in mutual funds for long-term.

 

Equity mutual funds can deliver 10% to 12% annually.

 

Over 10 to 15 years, it may grow 3-4x.

 

You also maintain liquidity with this approach.

 

You can withdraw in emergencies if needed.

 

Mutual funds are flexible and diversified.

 

Choose actively managed mutual funds only.

 

Do not invest in index funds.

 

Index funds just follow the market. No expert help.

 

In falling markets, index funds fall sharply.

 

They do not protect downside risk.

 

Skilled fund managers in active funds manage risks.

 

They can outperform the market over long term.

 

Actively managed funds offer better returns potential.

 

Also avoid direct plans without guidance.

 

Direct funds save cost, but lack expert advice.

 

You may pick wrong funds or exit at wrong time.

 

Regular plans through MFDs with CFPs offer support.

 

They help with reviews, rebalancing, and discipline.

 

That adds more value than low fees of direct plans.

 

So, choose regular funds with an MFD having CFP tag.

 

If you invest Rs. 5 lakh today in such funds, it can grow well.

 

Your Risk Appetite and Financial Behaviour
Are you okay with market ups and downs?

 

Can you avoid panic during a fall?

 

Can you hold on for 10-15 years?

 

If yes, investing is good for you.

 

If no, then prepaying loan is safer.

 

You must assess your risk profile.

 

Talk to a Certified Financial Planner for help.

 

Choose the option that matches your risk appetite.

 

Liquidity and Emergency Planning
Once you prepay, the Rs. 5 lakh is gone.

 

You can't get it back easily.

 

That reduces your liquidity.

 

If you invest instead, you keep access.

 

That money can be withdrawn in emergencies.

 

Liquidity is important in uncertain times.

 

Always maintain an emergency fund.

 

It should cover 6 to 12 months’ expenses.

 

Prepay only if this fund is already ready.

 

Don’t use all cash for prepayment.

 

Keep some buffer aside always.

 

Opportunity Cost of Prepaying vs Investing
Prepaying gives 8% return. No risk.

 

Investing can give 10% to 12%, but with risk.

 

Over long term, investing can give more wealth.

 

But returns are not guaranteed.

 

You may see short term losses too.

 

But with 15+ years holding, risk reduces.

 

If goal is wealth creation, investing wins.

 

If goal is safety and less EMI, prepaying wins.

 

Choose based on what matters more.

 

Use Balanced Approach: Prepay + Invest
You don’t need to do only one thing.

 

You can divide Rs. 5 lakh into two parts.

 

For example, prepay Rs. 2 lakh.

 

Invest Rs. 3 lakh in mutual funds.

 

This gives you lower EMI or tenure.

 

Also helps grow wealth for the long term.

 

This gives you mental peace and future returns.

 

It is a balanced and smart approach.

 

It avoids regret in future.

 

You win both ways – safety and growth.

 

Ensure your emergency fund is not affected.

 

Check if your mutual fund portfolio is aligned.

 

Take help from a CFP-backed mutual fund distributor.

 

Review your portfolio every year.

 

Stay invested without panic during market falls.

 

That is how wealth creation happens.

 

Final Insights
You are thinking wisely about using your Rs. 5 lakh lump sum.

Prepaying the home loan gives peace and fixed savings. It is a safe path.

But investing in mutual funds has higher potential returns. It needs patience.

There is no single “correct” answer. Both are good depending on your goal.

If safety and peace are top priority, prepaying is better.

If long-term growth is your goal, then invest in mutual funds.

Ideally, a 50-50 approach works best for most people.

It gives balance. And keeps options open.

Review this decision every year with a Certified Financial Planner.

That ensures your financial journey stays on the right path.

  

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 16, 2025

Listen
Money
Home loan: Hello Sir. I have a home loan of 55 Lakhs at present. I am confused about whether I should prepay my loan or keep investing money in mutual funds for 15-20 years? Pls guide me here.
Ans: Your question is important and requires a comprehensive approach. A balanced decision depends on multiple factors. Here's a detailed guide to help you.

1. Assess Your Financial Priorities
Understanding your financial goals is crucial.

Check if your priority is to become debt-free or grow your wealth.

Consider the impact of prepaying the loan on your overall financial stability.

Think about your long-term aspirations, like children’s education or retirement.

2. Evaluate Your Loan Interest Rate
The cost of your home loan matters significantly.

Compare your loan’s interest rate with the returns from mutual funds.

If your loan rate is high, prepayment could save interest costs.

If the rate is low, you might earn better returns through investments.

3. Consider the Tax Benefits of a Home Loan
Home loans provide attractive tax benefits.

Under Section 24, interest payments are eligible for deductions.

Principal repayment qualifies for deductions under Section 80C.

Reducing your loan too quickly might reduce these tax benefits.

4. Advantages of Mutual Fund Investments
Mutual funds can help you build wealth efficiently.

Actively managed funds, guided by experts, outperform passive options over time.

Investing through a Certified Financial Planner ensures professional advice.

Mutual funds are ideal for long-term goals like retirement planning.

Taxation Alert: LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%. STCG is taxed at 20%.

5. Weighing Prepayment vs Investment
Making the right choice requires a balance.

Prepaying your loan reduces debt and saves interest costs.

Investing provides opportunities for wealth creation over the long term.

A mix of prepayment and investment may work best.

6. Importance of Emergency Fund
Before making any decisions, secure an emergency fund.

Keep three to six months’ expenses aside for emergencies.

Liquid funds or savings accounts are good for emergency reserves.

Do not use emergency funds for loan prepayment or investments.

7. Surrender Poor-Performing Policies (if applicable)
If you hold LIC, ULIP, or investment-linked insurance policies:

Assess their performance and future returns.

Poor-performing policies should be surrendered to reinvest in mutual funds.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalised guidance.

8. Advantages of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
Investing through regular funds has key benefits.

Regular funds come with expert advice from Certified Financial Planners.

Direct funds require in-depth research, which many investors lack time for.

Professionals ensure better fund selection and reduce potential mistakes.

9. Debt Reduction: Psychological and Financial Benefits
Reducing your loan has its advantages.

It provides peace of mind and reduces financial stress.

It improves cash flow by lowering EMI obligations.

However, ensure this does not drain your liquid savings.

10. Diversification and Risk Management
A diversified approach minimizes risk and ensures stability.

Split your surplus funds between prepaying the loan and investing.

Allocate funds based on your risk tolerance and time horizon.

Regular reviews ensure your plan remains aligned with your goals.

11. Long-Term Wealth Creation Perspective
Investments can help achieve your financial independence.

Equity mutual funds offer high returns for long-term wealth creation.

Avoid index funds due to their limited scope for outperforming the market.

A balanced portfolio with equity and debt ensures stability and growth.

Final Insights
Your decision should reflect your financial goals and priorities.

Assess the interest rate of your loan against potential mutual fund returns.

Balance between loan prepayment and investment for optimal results.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner for a customised, 360-degree solution.

Stay disciplined and review your financial plan regularly for success.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 08, 2025

Money
Hello. I currently have a home loan of 52 lakhs with 16 years remaining on the tenure. Following the recent RBI repo rate update, my interest rate has been reduced to 7.5%. Could you please advise whether it's more beneficial to use this amount to make a prepayment towards the principal of my home loan or to invest it in stocks or mutual funds every month? I pay an EMI of 60k every month towards home loan. But I was thinking if I accumulate 30k every month extra and pay it towards home loan principle. That way I could close the home loan early? Or invest that 30k into mutual funds? Which option would offer better financial returns in the long run - closing the loan early or investing for potential growth?
Ans: You are thinking carefully about whether to close your home loan earlier or to invest in mutual funds for wealth creation. This is a very common and important decision for many salaried individuals, especially when interest rates change. Let us explore this in detail from all angles.

» Current Situation Analysis
– Your home loan balance is Rs 52 lakh.
– EMI is Rs 60,000 per month.
– Interest rate is now 7.5%, which is reasonable.
– Loan tenure remaining is 16 years.
– You are considering extra Rs 30,000 per month.
– This amount can either be used for prepayment or investment.

» Advantage of Prepaying the Loan
– Prepayment reduces outstanding principal directly.
– This lowers total interest paid in long run.
– Loan tenure reduces significantly.
– You become debt-free much earlier.
– It gives peace of mind and emotional comfort.
– Lower liability improves financial safety for family.
– With less debt, you feel more secure in uncertain times.

» Limitation of Prepayment
– Home loan is among cheapest loans due to tax benefit.
– You lose Section 24(b) deduction on interest.
– You also lose Section 80C deduction on principal.
– After tax benefits, effective cost is much lower than 7.5%.
– Prepayment reduces liquidity as money gets locked in property.
– You cannot access this amount easily for future needs.
– It may reduce your ability to invest for wealth growth.

» Advantage of Investing Extra Amount
– Mutual funds have potential to give higher returns than 7.5%.
– Over long term, well-chosen active funds can create strong growth.
– Rs 30,000 invested monthly for 16 years can build a large corpus.
– This can easily outgrow the saving from loan prepayment.
– Money remains more flexible and liquid compared to locked prepayment.
– Investments can be aligned to retirement, child’s education, and independence.
– Over time, compounding in mutual funds gives exponential growth.

» Limitation of Investing
– Market returns are not guaranteed.
– There can be short-term ups and downs.
– Wrong scheme selection or poor discipline can reduce return.
– Many investors mistakenly choose index funds for simplicity.
– But index funds only copy the market and cannot beat it.
– They lack flexibility during market corrections.
– Actively managed funds, when reviewed by a Certified Financial Planner, perform better.
– Direct funds without expert review may also mislead investors.
– Regular funds through a trusted CFP give better guidance and monitoring.

» Comparing Risk and Reward
– Prepayment gives assured saving at 7.5% return equivalent.
– Investment gives potential for higher return, usually 10% to 12%.
– The difference grows very large over 16 years.
– But investment carries volatility that must be accepted with patience.
– Safety-driven people prefer loan closure.
– Growth-driven people prefer investing for wealth creation.

» Balanced Middle Path
– You do not need to choose only one option.
– You can split Rs 30,000 into two parts.
– Use one part for loan prepayment.
– Use other part for long-term investment.
– This way, you reduce loan faster while also creating wealth.
– Balance reduces stress and keeps growth opportunities alive.
– Over time, you can adjust ratio depending on market and personal goals.

» Long-Term Wealth Creation Angle
– If you only prepay, you save interest but wealth growth is limited.
– If you only invest, you grow wealth but keep loan longer.
– Balanced approach gives you psychological relief and strong portfolio.
– When investments grow, they can later be used to close loan fully.
– This avoids locking funds too early.

» Emotional and Lifestyle Factor
– Debt-free living feels peaceful for many.
– But wealth compounding brings greater freedom in later years.
– You must reflect on which gives more comfort: early loan closure or large wealth corpus.
– Financial decisions are not just numbers; peace of mind matters equally.

» Final Insights
Your thought process is correct and practical. Loan prepayment saves interest but sacrifices growth. Mutual fund investment builds larger wealth but requires patience with market ups and downs. A balanced split of Rs 30,000 into partial prepayment and partial investment is a strong strategy. Over time, wealth creation through well-managed funds, supported by a Certified Financial Planner, can beat loan cost and create real financial independence. This way, you achieve debt reduction, liquidity, tax efficiency, and long-term wealth growth together.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
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Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
Ans: Hi,

You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

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Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

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Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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