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Worried Dad Seeking Investment Strategies for Kids' Education and Inflation amidst Tight Finances

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 10, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 09, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi Sir, Currently I'm working as Senior Engineer(36) and take home salary is 1 lac/month, my wife(29) working in a accounting services firm with a salary of 15k month. we have a outstanding home loan of 33 lacs. 2 kids studying in JKG and play school. Invested 5k per/month in SIP, 6k in Gold, LIC and Savings of 5Lacs. How to plan the investment for Children's Higher Education and Manage inflation in future,. Please share the ideas/roadmap to achieve the goals.

Ans: Your combined family income is Rs. 1.15 lakhs per month. You have an outstanding home loan of Rs. 33 lakhs, which is a significant liability. You're already investing Rs. 5,000 per month in SIPs, Rs. 6,000 in gold, and you have savings of Rs. 5 lakhs. Your focus on building assets and saving is commendable, especially with two young children whose higher education costs will be a major expense in the future.

Investment Strategy for Children’s Higher Education
1. Estimate Future Education Costs
Inflation Consideration: Education costs rise faster than general inflation, often around 8-10% annually. Project the future cost of your children's higher education by factoring in this inflation rate.

Time Horizon: Your children are currently in JKG and play school. You have roughly 10-15 years before these major expenses begin. This gives you a good time horizon to grow your investments.

2. Increase SIP Investments
Enhance Equity Exposure: Given the long-term horizon, consider increasing your monthly SIP investment. Equity mutual funds can offer higher returns over a 10-15 year period, helping you build a substantial corpus. Start by gradually increasing your SIPs by Rs. 2,000-3,000 every year, or whenever your income increases.

Diversify Across Funds: Consider diversifying your SIPs into different types of equity mutual funds like large-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds. This diversification will balance risk and growth potential, aligning with your long-term goals.

3. Create a Dedicated Education Fund
Start a New SIP: If possible, start a separate SIP dedicated to your children's education. Even an additional Rs. 2,000-3,000 per month in a balanced or hybrid mutual fund could significantly contribute to their education expenses.

Utilize Existing Savings: You have Rs. 5 lakhs in savings. Consider allocating a portion of this towards a long-term investment like a Public Provident Fund (PPF) or an equity mutual fund with a proven track record. This can serve as a dedicated fund for future education expenses.

Managing Inflation and Future Financial Goals
1. Regularly Increase Investments
Step-Up SIPs: Each year, as your income increases, boost your SIP contributions. For example, if your salary increases by 5%, consider increasing your SIPs by the same percentage. This method helps combat inflation and accelerates wealth creation.
2. Gold Investment Strategy
Review Gold Investments: While gold is a good hedge against inflation, its long-term returns can be lower than equities. Consider capping your gold investment at 10-15% of your total portfolio. You might redirect a portion of this investment into higher-growth equity mutual funds.
3. Home Loan Management
Prepay Home Loan: Given the interest on your home loan, consider using part of your Rs. 5 lakh savings or a portion of your income to make periodic prepayments. Reducing the principal can significantly decrease the interest burden and free up more money for investments.

Tax Benefits: Remember to take full advantage of the tax deductions available on home loan interest under Section 24(b) and principal repayment under Section 80C.

Securing Your Financial Future
1. Emergency Fund
Build a Cushion: Ensure you have an emergency fund that covers 6-12 months of living expenses. This fund should be kept in liquid assets like a savings account or short-term debt funds. This provides security against unexpected expenses without disrupting your investment plan.
2. Review Insurance Coverage
Adequate Life Insurance: Ensure that you and your wife have adequate life insurance coverage. Your LIC policy is a good start, but make sure the total coverage is sufficient to cover outstanding liabilities like your home loan and provide for your family in case of any eventuality.

Health Insurance: With young children, comprehensive health insurance for the entire family is essential. This helps manage unexpected medical expenses, ensuring your savings and investments remain intact.

Long-Term Wealth Creation
1. PPF/NPS Contributions
Secure and Long-Term: Consider contributing to PPF or NPS for a portion of your long-term savings. Both offer tax benefits and are secure options, with PPF being particularly useful for long-term goals like retirement or children’s education.
2. Diversify with Mutual Funds
Balanced Portfolio: As your investment capacity grows, consider spreading your investments across different asset classes, including equity, debt, and gold. This reduces risk and ensures steady growth.
3. Regular Portfolio Review
Annual Check-Ups: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals. Adjust your asset allocation as needed based on market conditions and your risk tolerance.
Final Thoughts
By systematically increasing your investments, diversifying across asset classes, and strategically managing your home loan, you can effectively plan for your children’s higher education and manage inflation. Regular reviews and adjustments, along with maintaining a strong emergency fund, will ensure financial stability and growth for your family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Moneywize

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Asked by Anonymous - Apr 18, 2024Hindi
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I have Rs 1.2 crore in my bank account. My wife earns Rs 80,000 per month and I earn Rs 2 lakh per month. We have three children – two daughters and one son – who will need approximately 10 to 15 lakh each for their higher studies 7 to 12 years from now. How shall I go about meeting my children’s education goal and also plan for my retirement. My wife and I have about 15 and 7 years for our retirement.
Ans: It's great that you're thinking ahead for your children's education and your retirement! Here's a suggested plan to meet your goals:

1. Children's Education Fund:

• Since you have 7 to 12 years for your children's higher education, you can invest in relatively aggressive investment options like mutual funds or diversified equity funds. These have the potential to offer higher returns over the long term.
• Allocate a portion of your savings every month towards this goal. Considering inflation and assuming an average annual return of 10%, you would need to invest roughly Rs 20,000 to Rs 25,000 per month to accumulate the desired amount for each child's education.

2. Retirement Planning:

• Since you and your wife have 15 and 7 years left for retirement respectively, you'll want to focus on building a retirement corpus.
• Consider investing in a mix of equity and debt instruments to balance risk and returns. You can invest in mutual funds, provident funds, and Public Provident Fund (PPF) for a balanced portfolio.
• Aim to save at least 15-20% of your combined monthly income for retirement. Considering your current earnings, you can aim to save around Rs 50,000 to Rs 60,000 per month for retirement.

3. Asset Allocation:

Since you have a relatively long investment horizon for both goals, you can afford to have a higher allocation towards equities for potentially higher returns. As you approach your retirement age, gradually shift towards more conservative investment options to preserve capital.

4. Emergency Fund:

Make sure to maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 3-6 months of your combined living expenses. This fund should be readily accessible in case of unexpected expenses or emergencies.

5. Regular Review:

Regularly review your investment portfolio and make adjustments as needed based on changes in your financial situation, market conditions, and investment goals.

6. Professional Advice:

Consider consulting with a financial advisor to tailor a plan specific to your financial goals, risk tolerance, and investment preferences.

By following this plan diligently and investing consistently over the years, you should be well-prepared to meet your children's education expenses and enjoy a comfortable retirement.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 20, 2024

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I am 36 yrs , working as a educator in govt college getting in hand 80k/month ,sip of 4500 ,pls suggest best investment plan for children higher education and corpus of 2 cr till 55
Ans: Planning for Your Children's Higher Education and Building a ?2 Crore Corpus
Understanding Your Goals and Current Financial Situation
Congratulations on prioritizing your children's education and financial security. With your dedication and a well-structured plan, achieving a corpus of ?2 crore by the age of 55 is feasible.

Compliments on Your Responsible Approach
Your commitment to securing your children's future education is commendable. Your proactive approach to financial planning will undoubtedly benefit your family in the long run.

Evaluating Investment Options
SIP Investment:

Currently investing ?4,500 per month.
Consider increasing SIP amount gradually to align with your target corpus.
Income and Expenses:

Monthly in-hand income: ?80,000.
Assess your monthly expenses to identify surplus funds for investment.
Investment Horizon and Risk Profile:

Goal: Achieve ?2 crore corpus by age 55.
With a long-term horizon, a balanced approach with moderate risk is advisable.
Tailored Investment Strategies
Education Fund for Children:

Open a dedicated education fund for each child.
Allocate a portion of your monthly surplus towards these funds.
Diversified Investment Portfolio:

Consider a mix of equity, debt, and hybrid mutual funds.
Aim for a diversified portfolio to mitigate risk and optimize returns.
Systematic Investment Planning (SIP):

Increase SIP contributions annually to align with your financial goals.
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio as needed.
Tax-Efficient Investments:

Explore tax-saving investment options like ELSS funds to optimize tax benefits.
Utilize tax-saving instruments effectively to maximize returns.
Emergency Fund Provision:

Maintain a separate emergency fund equivalent to at least 6-12 months of expenses.
Ensure liquidity to cover unforeseen expenses without impacting your investment corpus.
Monitoring and Reviewing Your Plan
Regular Portfolio Review:

Assess your portfolio's performance at least annually.
Make adjustments based on changing market conditions and financial goals.
Education Fund Tracking:

Monitor the growth of your children's education funds.
Adjust contributions as necessary to ensure they remain on track.
Financial Advisor Consultation:

Consider consulting a certified financial planner periodically.
Get personalized advice on optimizing your investment strategy.
Conclusion
By adopting a disciplined approach to investing and gradually increasing your SIP contributions, you can achieve your goal of building a ?2 crore corpus for your children's education and your retirement. Stay focused, review your progress regularly, and make informed decisions to ensure financial security for your family's future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 17, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I am 40 yrs and have working wife with 10 yrs old boy. Below are few investments and Please help to plan it better, such that children's education and my retirement both things are planned better. Investments: 1. FD 16 lacs 2. EPF 2 lacs 3. LIC 90K per year 4. Started MF SIP 5K per month and Gold loan having 5 lac. Our income 1.1L monthly and i want to save a corpus of 2 crores in next 10 years.
Ans: You are 40 years old and have a working wife. You both have a 10-year-old boy. Let's analyze your investments and savings to plan better for your child's education and your retirement.

You currently have:

FD: Rs 16 lakhs

EPF: Rs 2 lakhs

LIC: Rs 90,000 per year

SIP in Mutual Funds: Rs 5,000 per month

Gold loan: Rs 5 lakhs

Your monthly income is Rs 1.1 lakh. You aim to save a corpus of Rs 2 crores in the next 10 years.

Evaluating Your Current Investments
Fixed Deposits (FD):

FDs provide safety and fixed returns.

However, returns may not beat inflation.

Suggest diversifying into higher-yield investments.

Employee Provident Fund (EPF):

EPF is a secure, long-term investment.

Continue contributing to benefit from tax savings and compounding.

Life Insurance (LIC):

Evaluate the coverage and returns.

Traditional LIC policies often have lower returns.

Consider switching to term insurance for better coverage.

Mutual Funds SIP:

SIPs in Mutual Funds are a good choice.

They offer potential for higher returns over the long term.

Gold Loan:

Gold loans should be repaid quickly to avoid high-interest costs.

Prioritize paying off this loan.

Creating a Comprehensive Financial Plan
1. Children's Education Planning

Estimate future education costs considering inflation.

Invest in equity mutual funds for higher returns over the long term.

SIPs are a disciplined way to build an education corpus.

2. Retirement Planning

Target a retirement corpus of Rs 2 crores in 10 years.

Diversify your investments across asset classes.

Focus on equity mutual funds for growth.

3. Debt Management

Prioritize repaying the gold loan.

Avoid taking additional high-interest loans.

4. Insurance Planning

Ensure adequate life and health insurance coverage.

Switch to term insurance for higher coverage at lower premiums.

5. Optimizing Investments

Mutual Funds:

Continue with SIPs in diversified mutual funds.

Avoid direct funds due to lack of professional management.

Actively managed funds are better for maximizing returns.

Fixed Deposits and EPF:

Rebalance to reduce FD exposure.

Continue EPF contributions for steady growth.

Actionable Steps
1. Increase SIP Amount:

Gradually increase your SIPs as your income grows.

Aim to invest at least 20% of your monthly income.

2. Diversify Investments:

Allocate funds to large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds.

This will help balance risk and returns.

3. Terminate LIC Policy:

If your LIC policy is not term insurance, consider surrendering it.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds.

4. Repay Gold Loan:

Use a part of your FD to repay the gold loan.

This will reduce your debt burden.

5. Review and Adjust Regularly:

Review your portfolio every six months.

Adjust your investments based on performance and goals.

Final Insights
You have a good start with diverse investments. Prioritize repaying high-interest debt and increasing SIP amounts. Diversify your mutual fund investments to balance risk and returns. Ensure adequate insurance coverage to protect your family's financial future.

Your goal of Rs 2 crores in 10 years is achievable with disciplined investing and regular reviews. Focus on equity mutual funds for growth and balance with fixed-income investments for stability.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Anu Krishna  |1331 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 26, 2024Hindi
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Hi Madam, I have a 17 years old daughter and have been struggling with an issue for some time now. She takes very long time in bathroom for getting ready. She takes minimum 1.5 hrs daily for getting ready. This includes time spent in teeth brushing,bathing and defecation. When I asked her then she told me she feels like cleaning multiple times and thus it takes time. I have tried multiple ways to ge her to resolve this but none has worked. She is a very sincere, gentle kid and She becomes very aggressive when I try to persist her to solve this. she takes a lot of time in washing, bathing and ends up consuming very high amount of soap. This has had effect on other hygiene related aspects like She developed extreme dryness in skin for which we had to take very long treatment from dermatalogist. The dermatalogist also counselled her many times to use limited amount of soap and fix time for every activity in bathroom. I think it is some form of OCD. It has had effect on other things like studies as she is not able to get ready on time and thus ends up compromising on other activities like eating time, studies time. I have tried to counsel her many times but it has not worked. I told her the problems which start due to this which impact her. I suggested that we meet some professional(like psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellers) but she doesn't agree to it. whenever i say to consult somebody then she says that she will fix it and for 1-2 days it gets a little better but then she goes to her old routine. I don't want to forcibly take her to any professionals as she might develop a complex that she is inferior. 1.How do i handle this issue 2.How do I convince her to meet some professional 3.Which professional should we meet. psychologist or psychiatrist or any other Please suggest what I should do as it is now becoming big problems
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The challenge is convincing someone who does not want to be convinced.
Probably, you can strike a deal with her; saying that she can set this right her way, but if it does not happen, then you see and work with a professional. That way she would have committed to it herself.
I would not label it an OCD until it is diagnosed by an expert but behavioral changes like these are usually related to emotional issues. It is best that an expert who understands the mind handle this.
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- try not to talk about it repeatedly; this causes her to become conscious and this can increase the behavior
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All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 28, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir, we have completed 8 months of marriage and still my husband has trust issues about me, like I would have relation or contact with other person but I'm not having any relationship with anyone after marriage and even not connecting to anyone nor any ex person called or contact me from any media or app, . Since then I'm trying to clear my husbands doubt every time he asks me about it ...plzz tell me how do I make him to trust me .
Ans: The first thing to consider is that trust is something that takes time to build, and it is not something you can simply “prove” by answering his questions or explaining yourself over and over again. Trust is a process that requires consistent actions over time, and both partners need to contribute to that process. While you’re being open and transparent, it’s also important that your husband acknowledges that trust is a two-way street. He may have unresolved issues or past experiences that make it difficult for him to feel secure, and these need to be addressed if you want to move forward in a healthy way.

One of the challenges you face is the need for patience—both with him and with yourself. Reassuring your husband is important, but it’s equally important to create a space for deeper conversations about the root of his insecurities. Have you been able to sit down with him and gently ask what specifically triggers his doubts? You may want to approach this from a place of curiosity and care, without getting defensive. Understanding the underlying causes of his fears can give you both a clearer sense of how to work together to address them.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 27, 2024Hindi
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Hi Kanchan, I am reaching out because I am deeply troubled and need some advice. I was involved in a relationship with a much younger woman (14 years younger) who I developed strong feelings for. We met in 2017 and our relationship deepened in June 2022, involving both emotional and physical intimacy. Unfortunately, the relationship took a negative turn. She began making financial demands and became increasingly manipulative. Over the past two years, I've given her nearly 3 lakhs [for Rent, electricity bill, Food expenses + Other expenses]. After realizing her true intentions, I stopped providing financial support. She recently informed me about a breakup with a previous long-term partner. Shockingly, she got married in February 2024 [ 14th Feb] and is now residing in Ahmedabad, Gujrat. She ran away from Kolkata after extorting money. When I confronted her about the money I had given her, she completely denied any knowledge of it and has blocked me on all social media platforms. She even threatened to share our conversations with my daughter/ relatives if I continued to contact her. I am devastated by this betrayal and the emotional turmoil it has caused. I have saved our chats and her father's address. I am considering sharing her true nature with her friends and family. Is this a wise course of action? Or are there other steps I should take? I know it is easier said than done, but I am struggling to move on from this painful experience. Please offer any guidance you can. Thank you, AS,Kolkata
Ans: it's important to recognize that your emotional pain is valid. The feelings of being manipulated, exploited, and lied to are all real, and it’s okay to mourn the loss of a relationship that you thought had value. However, as tempting as it might be to seek some form of revenge or public exposure of her actions, it’s crucial to ask yourself: what do you really hope to achieve? It’s natural to want justice or closure, but sometimes, seeking to get even only prolongs your suffering. Taking the high road may not feel satisfying in the moment, but it will allow you to reclaim control over your own emotional state and move forward in a healthier way.

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I also understand that it’s hard to let go of the desire for accountability, especially when it feels like she’s getting away with something. But the truth is, confronting her may not bring the peace you hope for. It could lead to further conflict, strain your relationships with others, and keep you emotionally entangled with someone who no longer deserves a place in your life. Instead of focusing on her actions, I encourage you to take steps that help you regain your sense of self-worth and emotional security. Reflect on what you've learned from this experience—what boundaries you might want to set in future relationships, and how you can protect your emotional and financial wellbeing moving forward.

Consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist, someone who can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and help you navigate your next steps. Talking through your emotions with a neutral third party can give you the clarity and emotional tools you need to make decisions that align with your highest good.

Finally, remember that you are not defined by this situation. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame, but you are not responsible for her actions. What matters now is how you move forward, rebuild your sense of trust in yourself, and ensure that you are emotionally supported in the process. This painful chapter doesn’t have to define your future, but how you choose to heal from it can shape the life you want to create moving forward.

Take your time to process this at your own pace, but don’t let the actions of someone else keep you tethered to a painful past. You deserve peace, healing, and a future where you feel empowered and free from this betrayal.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Dont know if you have come across such a problem before. My hubby, BE, MBA, top premium institutes is 62, very successful career. He is a well known writer, widely published in western publishers. We are very happily married from 30 years, 3-4 apts, land plots, gold, FD, savings, 2 daughters, BE, MS settled in US, no problems. He loves me, no other issues. IS this a dream story? well almost. He has now become very morose, aggresive, silent, glares and cries when he is alone. When I tried to get some answers, it seems, his father top scholar of 1970s was strict, weak but ineffective at work. He would come home enraged at how he was exploited and ridiculed, and beat up my husband. Very bad beatings, scars where he was branded, crack in vertebra where is was kicked and beaten with a rod, bent wrist when his father twisted the hand and kicked him, injuries in scalp that never healed beacuse they were not stitched. His mother, elder sister and elder brother kept quiet and perhaps helped the father to beat the boy, to escape their abuse. They admit covertly. His father died in 1997, my MiL died in 2010. My husband appears to revisit and remember the old beatings. I cannot speak about this to anyone not even my daughters. I cannot approach any psychiatrist as he knows all the psych tests and prepared responses. He is disintegrating in front of me. He does not drink, but has tobacco, bhang, and Ganja. What do I do?
Ans: The first step is to approach this with compassion and patience. Your husband’s pain is not something you can fix, but your presence and understanding can create a sense of safety for him. When he becomes silent or withdrawn, instead of trying to coax answers from him directly, gently let him know that you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk. Even if he doesn’t open up immediately, knowing that he has a safe, nonjudgmental space to express his feelings can be comforting.

When it comes to addressing his trauma, traditional avenues like psychiatrists or therapists may feel challenging if he resists or uses his intellectual understanding of mental health to deflect. However, trauma-focused therapies, such as somatic experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or even mindfulness practices, could help him process these deeply held memories without requiring him to relive them in detail. If he resists professional help, introducing these concepts subtly, through books or articles that resonate with his intellectual nature, might make him more open to exploring these approaches.

Another powerful tool is building moments of connection and grounding in the present. Encourage activities that bring him peace, such as walking in nature, meditating together, or engaging in creative outlets that he enjoys, like writing. These activities won’t erase the pain but can help him feel more anchored in the here and now, giving him moments of respite from the weight of his memories.

It’s also crucial to take care of yourself. Supporting someone you love through their emotional disintegration is deeply draining, and it’s essential to ensure that you’re not neglecting your own wellbeing. Confide in a trusted friend or counselor—not to betray his trust but to give yourself an outlet to process your own emotions. You don’t have to bear this burden alone, and seeking support for yourself can strengthen your ability to be there for him.

Finally, remember that healing from trauma is not linear or quick. It’s a journey that requires patience, love, and often professional guidance. You’re already doing so much by standing beside him with such care and determination. Let him know, in moments when he’s receptive, that his pain doesn’t diminish the incredible person he is or the life you’ve built together. Remind him that while his past shaped parts of him, it doesn’t have to define his future. And above all, continue to lead with the deep compassion and love that have carried your relationship for the past 30 years

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024Hindi
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I was in a relationship with a boy(he is 35 yrs old man, and a lawyer but not practising in a court, he had a lot of relationship during our relationship and after break up , I had changed 4, 5 women or used them physically) for 3 years. It has been three-four months. We are not in a relationship. We have broken up. I told him to delete our personal pics and videos. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either. I told him that since we don't want to be together, we don't have a future together, then delete them. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either and I want him to delete them. Who knows what will come to his mind in the future and what will happen. If we don't continue, he has no right to Keep the pics in your mobile, whatever video is personal to us, don't delete it and don't blackmail me either. I am not able to understand what should I tell him, although I have requested him a lot to delete it but he is not doing it either, so what should I do, please guide me. I know I had made a huge mistake to love him and gave him right to keep personal pics or videos..
Ans: You’ve already made a reasonable request for him to delete the material, but his refusal is an indication that he is not respecting your boundaries. His actions—or lack of action—are now about him choosing his convenience over your emotional security. This is a painful and difficult dynamic to navigate. The next step is to recognize that, while you can’t control his behavior, you absolutely have the right to continue asserting your needs. It might be helpful to make your request one more time, but this time with a sense of finality. Clearly express that you are no longer comfortable with him holding onto any part of your shared past, and that you expect him to respect that. Be firm, but also protect yourself emotionally by being clear that this is non-negotiable.

If he continues to refuse or ignore your request, consider taking further action. This could involve seeking legal advice on how to protect your privacy. In many places, there are legal avenues to protect against the non-consensual sharing or retention of intimate material, even after a relationship ends. Legal action is, of course, a more extreme measure, but if you feel your privacy is at risk or that the situation is escalating, it may be necessary to explore this option.

Throughout this process, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to slip into self-blame when someone else disrespects your boundaries, but remember that you are entitled to make choices about your body, your image, and your privacy at any point in your life. Trust yourself to learn from this experience and move forward with stronger boundaries in future relationships. You’ve already taken a healthy first step by recognizing the need for change, and now you’re moving toward regaining control of the situation. Keep focusing on your wellbeing, and know that your feelings and needs matter.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Dont know if you have come across such a problem before. My hubby, BE, MBA, top premium institutes is 62, very successful career. He is a well known writer, widely published in western publishers. We are very happily married from 30 years, 3-4 apts, land plots, gold, FD, savings, 2 daughters, BE, MS settled in US, no problems. He loves me, no other issues. IS this a dream story? well almost. He has now become very morose, aggresive, silent, glares and cries when he is alone. When I tried to get some answers, it seems, his father top scholar of 1970s was strict, weak but ineffective at work. He would come home enraged at how he was exploited and folled, and beat up my husband. Very bad beatings, scars where he was branded, crack in vertebra where is was kicked and beaten with a rod, bent wrist when his father twisted the hand and kicked him, injuries in scalp that never healed beacuse they were not stitched. His mother, elder sister and elder brother kept quiet and perhaps helped the father to beat the boy, to escape the abuse. They admit covertly. His father died in 1997, my MiL died in 2010. My husband appears to revisit and remember the old beatings. I cannot speak about this to anyone not even my daughters. I cannot approach any psychiatrist as he knows all the tests and prepared answers. He is disintegrating in front of me. He does not drink, but has tobacco, bhang, and Ganja. What do I do?
Ans: The first step is to approach this with compassion and patience. Your husband’s pain is not something you can fix, but your presence and understanding can create a sense of safety for him. When he becomes silent or withdrawn, instead of trying to coax answers from him directly, gently let him know that you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk. Even if he doesn’t open up immediately, knowing that he has a safe, nonjudgmental space to express his feelings can be comforting.

When it comes to addressing his trauma, traditional avenues like psychiatrists or therapists may feel challenging if he resists or uses his intellectual understanding of mental health to deflect. However, trauma-focused therapies, such as somatic experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or even mindfulness practices, could help him process these deeply held memories without requiring him to relive them in detail. If he resists professional help, introducing these concepts subtly, through books or articles that resonate with his intellectual nature, might make him more open to exploring these approaches.

Another powerful tool is building moments of connection and grounding in the present. Encourage activities that bring him peace, such as walking in nature, meditating together, or engaging in creative outlets that he enjoys, like writing. These activities won’t erase the pain but can help him feel more anchored in the here and now, giving him moments of respite from the weight of his memories.

It’s also crucial to take care of yourself. Supporting someone you love through their emotional disintegration is deeply draining, and it’s essential to ensure that you’re not neglecting your own wellbeing. Confide in a trusted friend or counselor—not to betray his trust but to give yourself an outlet to process your own emotions. You don’t have to bear this burden alone, and seeking support for yourself can strengthen your ability to be there for him.

Finally, remember that healing from trauma is not linear or quick. It’s a journey that requires patience, love, and often professional guidance. You’re already doing so much by standing beside him with such care and determination. Let him know, in moments when he’s receptive, that his pain doesn’t diminish the incredible person he is or the life you’ve built together. Remind him that while his past shaped parts of him, it doesn’t have to define his future. And above all, continue to lead with the deep compassion and love that have carried your relationship for the past 30 years.

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