Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Should I rebalance my 50-20-20-10-10 mutual fund portfolio?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 16, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
CA Question by CA on Jul 03, 2024Hindi
Money

Dear Sir, can you please comment on my mutual fund portfolio 1) ICICI Equity and Debt Hybrid Fund -40% 2) HDFC Focused 30 Fund - 20% 3) Quant Large & Mid cap Fund - 20% 4) UTI Nifty 200 Momentum 30 Index Fund - 10% 5) Mafang ETF -10%

Ans: It's wonderful that you are investing in mutual funds. Your portfolio includes a mix of hybrid, focused, large & mid-cap, index, and ETF funds. Let’s evaluate each part of your portfolio in detail to understand its strengths and areas for improvement.

ICICI Equity and Debt Hybrid Fund - 40%

Hybrid funds are a balanced investment option. They invest in both equity and debt instruments.

Advantages:

Provides balanced growth with lower risk due to debt component.
Suitable for moderate risk tolerance.
Considerations:

Hybrid funds might not deliver high returns compared to pure equity funds.
Regular monitoring is necessary to ensure the fund aligns with your goals.
HDFC Focused 30 Fund - 20%

Focused funds invest in a limited number of stocks. This can lead to higher returns but also higher risk.

Advantages:

High potential for returns due to concentrated portfolio.
Suitable for investors with high-risk tolerance.
Considerations:

Higher risk due to less diversification.
Performance depends heavily on selected stocks.
Quant Large & Mid-Cap Fund - 20%

Large & mid-cap funds invest in both large-cap and mid-cap stocks, providing a mix of stability and growth.

Advantages:

Balances stability of large-caps with growth potential of mid-caps.
Good for long-term wealth creation.
Considerations:

Mid-cap stocks can be volatile.
Requires regular review to ensure it meets your investment objectives.
UTI Nifty 200 Momentum 30 Index Fund - 10%

Index funds track a specific index. They are passively managed and generally have lower fees.

Disadvantages:

Limited potential for high returns as they only match the index performance.
Cannot outperform the market, only mirror it.
Benefits of Actively Managed Funds:

Actively managed funds can outperform the market with skilled management.
Fund managers can adapt to market changes and seize opportunities.
Mafang ETF - 10%

ETFs track an index or a sector and are traded like stocks.

Disadvantages:

Similar to index funds, they cannot outperform the index.
ETF performance is tied to the market or sector it tracks.
Portfolio Evaluation and Recommendations

Diversification:

Your portfolio shows a good level of diversification. You have hybrid, focused, large & mid-cap, index, and ETF funds. Diversification spreads risk and can improve returns.

Risk Management:

Your portfolio has a balanced mix of high-risk and moderate-risk investments. The hybrid fund and large & mid-cap fund balance risk with stability. However, focused funds and mid-cap stocks carry higher risk. Ensure your risk tolerance matches the portfolio's risk level.

Active vs Passive Funds:

You have a mix of actively managed and passive funds. Passive funds like index funds and ETFs have lower fees but may not outperform the market. Actively managed funds have the potential to outperform the market due to professional management. Consider increasing the proportion of actively managed funds for potentially higher returns.

Rebalancing:

Regularly rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. Market changes can shift the balance, so periodic adjustments ensure alignment with your investment goals.

Considering Tax Implications:

Understand the tax implications of your investments. Equity mutual funds held for more than one year are subject to long-term capital gains tax. Hybrid funds with a higher equity component follow similar tax rules. Plan your investments considering tax efficiency.

Assessing Investment Goals

Review your investment goals. Are you investing for long-term wealth creation, retirement, or a specific financial target? Align your portfolio with your goals to ensure it meets your needs.

Importance of Regular Monitoring

Regularly monitor your investments. This helps in identifying underperforming funds and making necessary adjustments. Review the fund's performance, expense ratio, and market conditions.

Avoiding Common Investment Mistakes

Not Reviewing Portfolio:

Regularly review your portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals.
Ignoring Market Trends:

Stay informed about market trends and economic conditions.
Overlooking Fund Performance:

Monitor fund performance and compare it with benchmarks and peers.
Seeking Professional Advice

Engage with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized advice. A CFP can help you design a comprehensive investment plan, select suitable funds, and provide ongoing support.

Building a Strong Financial Foundation

Emergency Fund:

Maintain an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses.
This provides financial stability and avoids liquidating investments.
Insurance Coverage:

Ensure adequate insurance coverage for life, health, and assets.
This protects you from financial setbacks due to unforeseen events.
Debt Management:

Manage your debts efficiently.
Avoid high-interest debt and focus on timely repayments.
Enhancing Financial Literacy

Enhance your financial literacy. Learn about different investment options, market trends, and financial planning strategies. This knowledge empowers you to make informed decisions.

Advantages of Investing through MFDs with CFP Credentials

Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credentials offers several benefits:

Professional Guidance:

Access to expert advice and personalized investment strategies.
Regular Reviews:

Periodic reviews and rebalancing of your portfolio.
Tailored Investment Plans:

Investment plans tailored to your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Building Good Financial Habits

Develop good financial habits to achieve long-term financial goals:

Living Within Your Means:

Avoid overspending and live within your income.
Saving Regularly:

Save a portion of your income regularly.
Automate your savings to ensure consistency.
Investing Wisely:

Make informed investment decisions based on your risk tolerance and financial goals.
Setting Realistic Financial Goals

Set realistic financial goals. This helps in creating a focused investment plan. Your goals could include retirement, children's education, buying a house, or any specific financial target.

Creating a Long-Term Financial Plan

A long-term financial plan is essential for financial security. This includes:

Setting Financial Goals:

Define your financial goals and time horizon.
Creating a Savings Plan:

Develop a savings plan to achieve your goals.
Investing for the Future:

Invest in a diversified portfolio to grow your wealth.
Importance of Regular Rebalancing

Regularly rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. This ensures that your investments remain aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Emphasizing Financial Discipline

Financial discipline is crucial. Stick to your budget, avoid unnecessary expenses, and prioritize savings and investments. This will improve your financial situation over time.

Recognizing the Importance of Financial Education

Financial education is vital. Learn about personal finance, budgeting, and investing. This knowledge empowers you to make informed financial decisions.

Engaging with a Certified Financial Planner

Engaging with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) provides valuable guidance. A CFP offers personalized advice, helps you design a comprehensive financial plan, and assists in selecting suitable investments. This ensures that your investments align with your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Final Insights

Your mutual fund portfolio has a good mix of diversification and risk management. However, regular monitoring and rebalancing are essential to ensure alignment with your financial goals. Consider increasing the proportion of actively managed funds for potentially higher returns. Enhance your financial literacy to make informed decisions.

Engage with a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice and ongoing support. Stay disciplined, avoid unnecessary expenses, and focus on long-term wealth creation.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 23, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Hello Madam, please review & advise on my mutual fund portfolio. SIP of 5000 each in UTI Nifty 50 index fund, Parag Parikh flexicap, Quant flexi cap & 3000 each in ICICI Midcap 150 index fund & Kotak large 7 midcap fund. All Started since 4 months, current age 42 & can do SIP for 2-3 years & plan to keep the accumulated amount as it is for next 5 years. I have some investments in equity shares(25%), SGB(25%) & FD's(50%) as well. Expecting to retire in next 6-7 years. Thanks
Ans: It's great to see you diversifying your investments through mutual funds. Let's review your portfolio and provide some guidance.

Starting with your SIPs, investing 5000 each in UTI Nifty 50 index fund, Parag Parikh flexicap, and Quant flexi cap offers a balanced approach across different market segments. These funds provide exposure to large-cap, flexi-cap, and multi-cap segments, respectively, allowing for diversification and potential growth opportunities.

Adding 3000 each in ICICI Midcap 150 index fund and Kotak large & midcap fund introduces exposure to mid-cap stocks, which have the potential for higher growth but also come with increased risk. Given your investment horizon of 2-3 years for SIPs and plans to keep the accumulated amount for the next 5 years, it's essential to monitor these funds closely, considering the market conditions and fund performance.

It's commendable that you have investments in equity shares, Sovereign Gold Bonds (SGBs), and fixed deposits (FDs) as well. This diversification helps spread risk and aligns with your retirement goals.

Considering your current age of 42 and the plan to retire in the next 6-7 years, it's crucial to regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your financial objectives and risk tolerance.

As you approach retirement, consider gradually shifting your portfolio towards more conservative investments to protect your capital and generate stable income streams.

Overall, your mutual fund portfolio seems well-diversified, considering your investment horizon and retirement goals. However, it's advisable to periodically reassess your portfolio and make adjustments as needed based on changing market conditions and personal circumstances.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 28, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Can you review my mutual fund portfolio? I'm investing in these funds from last 3 years and I'm planning to continue for next 15 years. 55% in large cap 30 percent in mid cap 15 percent in small cap. UTI NIFTY 50 MOTILAL OSWAL NIFTY MIDCAP 150 PARAG PARIKH FLEXICAP MIRAE ASSET LARGE AND MID CAP KOTAK SMALL CAP
Ans: Your mutual fund portfolio reflects a thoughtful approach to diversification. It’s commendable that you have been investing consistently for three years and plan to continue for the next 15 years. Let's review your portfolio and provide recommendations to ensure it aligns with your long-term goals.

Portfolio Composition and Analysis
Your portfolio allocation is as follows:

55% in large cap
30% in mid cap
15% in small cap
Strengths of Your Portfolio
Diversification Across Market Caps
You have diversified your investments across large, mid, and small cap funds. This helps balance stability and growth potential.

Long-Term Investment Horizon
Investing for 15 years allows you to benefit from market cycles and compound growth, which is essential for wealth accumulation.

Selection of Funds
Your choice of funds includes a mix of large, mid, and small cap funds. Each type of fund plays a unique role in your portfolio.

Areas for Improvement
Active vs. Index Funds
Your portfolio includes index funds. While index funds are low-cost, they merely track the market. Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market and can provide better returns, especially in volatile markets.

Detailed Fund Review
Large Cap Allocation (55%)
Investing heavily in large cap funds provides stability and steady growth. However, actively managed large cap funds may offer better returns than index funds like UTI Nifty 50. Actively managed funds benefit from professional management and can adapt to market changes.

Mid Cap Allocation (30%)
Mid cap funds offer higher growth potential compared to large caps. They strike a balance between risk and return. Including actively managed mid cap funds can harness this potential more effectively than index funds like Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150.

Small Cap Allocation (15%)
Small cap funds are riskier but can offer substantial returns. Your allocation to Kotak Small Cap is appropriate for the aggressive growth segment of your portfolio. However, consider including actively managed small cap funds for better risk management and potential returns.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Professional Management
Actively managed funds are overseen by professional fund managers. They make investment decisions based on market research and trends, aiming to outperform benchmarks.

Flexibility
Active funds can adapt to market changes, reduce exposure to underperforming sectors, and increase investment in potential high-growth areas.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds can provide better returns, especially in volatile or down markets, compared to index funds which track market performance.

Regular Funds vs. Direct Funds
Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds may have lower expense ratios but lack personalized advice. This can lead to suboptimal fund selection and portfolio management.

Benefits of Regular Funds
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) ensures professional guidance. CFPs provide valuable insights, helping you choose the best funds to achieve your goals. They offer ongoing portfolio reviews and adjustments.

Recommendations for Your Portfolio
Review Fund Performance
Regularly review the performance of your funds. Replace underperforming funds with better-performing options to optimize returns.

Consider Actively Managed Funds
Shift some of your investments from index funds to actively managed funds. This can enhance your portfolio’s performance through professional management and strategic asset allocation.

Maintain Diversification
Continue diversifying across large, mid, and small cap funds. Ensure each category has a mix of actively managed funds for better growth potential.

Monitor and Adjust
Regularly monitor your portfolio. Adjust your investments based on market conditions and your financial goals. A Certified Financial Planner can help you with this process.

Conclusion
Your mutual fund portfolio is well-diversified and aligned with long-term growth. By incorporating actively managed funds and seeking professional advice, you can enhance your returns and achieve your financial goals more effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x